These animal activists, what a fuss they make about matters beyond their ken. So filled with neo-colonial, white racist presumptuousness.
They arise from scoffing their Steers burgers (herds of cattle, eyes rolling at the stench of imminent slaughter, slashing and trampling in frantic but futile attempt at escape) and Kentucky Fried Chicken (a shoebox existence of ripped claws and clipped beaks, then hooked, hanged and beheaded) in order to berate that old imperialist whipping boy, the Zulu.
These wrist-flapping, sodden-handkerchiefed whiteys fail to understand that the survival of the Zulu kingdom apparently depends on an annual ritualistic shot in the arm. Without it, the kingdom would falter, it is believed. If this requires the protracted killing of a bull by any means possible — strangulation, ripping, tearing, biting, gouging and suffocation with sand stuffed down the animal’s oesophagus — then so be it.
Ernest Hemingway, for one, would surely have loved it. A virile young bull wrestled into oblivion by virile young men. Some canny marketing and the hand-to-hoof combat at the King’s Kraal would very soon relegate to strictly for sissies, the Pamplona running with the bulls.
The real hombres — small dicks admittedly, but big hearts — would flock to Zululand, brimming with machismo. Death in the Afternoon, indeed.
As King Goodwill has sagely noted, we need to have more reverence for ancient ritual. He is to encourage more circumcision with a rusty assegai blade and virginity testing with a stubby forefinger, but there are many other old Zulu customs that could be embraced in the modern age.
Just think back to the great Zulu king, Shaka. As Zuluphile historian Desmond R Morris records in The Washing of the Spears, it was not only young bulls who suffered a sand choking: “Defective children and all but one child of a multiple birth were suffocated at once by an earthen clod stuffed into the mouth.” No doubt that the Moaning Minnies will object, but think big savings on the welfare budget.
Then there was the useful ritual of witchdoctors sniffing out evil spirits. When a wizard was identified, the witchdoctors “flicked him with a gnu’s tail, whereupon he was dragged off to have sharpened stakes pounded up his rectum, while an impi was dispatched to exterminate his family root and branch, destroy his crops and burn his kraal”. And Thabo Mbeki thought that the Polokwane putsch was harsh?
The darkies shouldn’t be allowed to have it all to themselves. A European civilisation that gave the world pâté de foie gras, seal clubbing and founded an entire religious faith on the beheading of the king’s tiresome mistresses, need not stand back for anyone.
The Bible is a particularly rich repository of Judaeo-Christian ritual, especially regarding female subservience. Deuteronomy explains that to take a wife requires no more than to find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes.
That’s it. She’s yours for the price of a haircut, manicure and little black number. And to seal the liaison with a bit of cross-cultural fusion, á la Julius Malema, some breakfast and taxi money the morning after.
Also according to Deuteronomy, one alternatively could just wait for your brother to die and take his widow. In the Book of Ruth, on the other hand, there is a scheme on how to buy some land and get a woman thrown in, a clever little sweetener in these times of flagging property sales.
But when it came to high political office it remains Shaka who set the pace, with a Receiver of the Royal Spittle and a Wiper of the Royal Anus. Perhaps in our rich new culture, even if deprived of his controversial elevation to the post of National Director of Public Prosecutions, there could be work yet for the likes of Menzi Simelane.
Your reading matter of Morris is extremely superficial. Why not read something intellectual like ‘Rope in the Sand’ by an authority like Prof John Laband, or ‘View Across the River’ by another authority like Prof Jeff Guy if you want to enlighten readers on Zulu history?
The biggest problem is the vegan and animal rights movement in South Africa is controlled by a control freak who is losing control.
The sooner the better, then maybe the Zulu monarch will talk to real concerned people who do not want to merely impose their aganda on him. He is not stupid you know.
King Goodwill Zwelithini web site: http://www.zulumonarch.co.za/
The Universal Zulu Nation:
http://www.zulunation.com/
Speaking out against injustices in the form of outdated rituals, is vitally important in our diverse society undergoing transformation. I am however, uncomfortable with HOW you do this. In the process of protesting these injustices, you seem to be using your soapbox to diss the entire African culture in a belittling way. I’m not sure what purpose this serves other that to feed your supremacist tendencies and listen to your own nauseating voice.
what a looney tune you are!!!!
your certainly not hesitant to show your racist attitude. Not sure it does anything to better humankind except feed the stagnant thoughts that are still cluttering up the hate rhetoric and keeing the demise of civilizations mired in the dark ages…..I bet you thought you were on the cutting edge – ha!
Brilliant William …
Hey “Same bull different day”, what on earth do you mean by “The biggest problem is the vegan and animal rights movement in South Africa is controlled by a control freak who is losing control.” You clearly have NO CLUE that millions of concerned empathic people are turning to veganism every day around the world.
And those who argue against animal rights are just as bad as the racist Nats or Nazis. Which are you?
@Oscar Melamed
Those outsiders who want to control Zulu culture and tradition are control freaks.
I support animal rights.
Why can a compromise not be reached whereby the tradition goes ahead with some modification so it is accetable to both the traditional Zulu and those like myself who are concerned about animal rights.
By the way I despise vegans who try and preach to me. They think they are the only ones who care about animals.
Stupid, Know it all commentary are very bad for the future of this country. Does it make anyone look smart when they insult and trample others or is it good for having a conversation with you friends that are like minded.
Oh gaaard, these responses were to be expected. Thanks for the equal-opportunity laugh.
William, you leave out that wonderful ancient ritual known as train surfing. This rite-of-passage was after all founded in this, the cradle of civilization.
Good for a Sunday giggle. Thank you.
Bet the hordes will be less than humorous by the time they open this on Monday, during working hours, on someone else’s time.
Interesting post and equally interesting responses.The Zulus do tend to do things with more flair tho I think. Thabo and Manto those much maligned denialists of HIV and ARV’s were really doing much the same thing but with no imagination. Allowing the weak to die and those who were strong enough to survive which is probably also why they screwed up the health, security and education systems. Had the white man not brought his Judeo-Christian beliefs and survivalist practices here to Africa the continent would not be in the mess it is in now. Man and nature existed in harmony and the mineral wealth under the ground was undiscovered virtually. When there was drought things died or toughened up, if people got sick they died and yes sharpened sticks up the rectum for those who practised sex and got caught out may have seemed barbaric to these softhearted ancestors of mine but if one brought that back you would have a rapid end to teenage pregnancies and AIDS etc. For all our so called scientific progress the white man is pretty directly responsible for the mess the world is in now including crime. Too many people too little space and resources. Africans lived without all this materialism b4 quite happily, ethnic cleansing took place occasionally but that was the law of the jungle. Death a part of life. One bull so much dust.
Sigh – do you think Jonathon Swift had it so hard?
“A European civilisation that gave the world pâté de foie gras, seal clubbing and founded an entire religious faith on the beheading of the king’s tiresome mistresses, need not stand back for anyone.” I have to agree on this one. The English upper classes still think there is no problem with fox hunting – a herd of fops on horseback with a pack of beagles chasing after a fox – the poor bugger then getting torn apart by the dogs. Anyone for tea?
Just when I think the South Africans will learn something of culture, world-views etc, I discover that most wear racist glasses that prevent them from seeing anything. No wonder the Africans feel denied.
So this baby seal walks into a club…
@Same Bull different day
“The biggest problem is the vegan and animal rights movement in South Africa is controlled by a control freak who is losing control.”
OMG dude really? I didn’t know!! Who is it?? Better I go cosy up to him/her/it then. *rolls eyes* The movement is not controlled by anyone because it consists mainly of freethinking people who decided to adopt a vegan diet because they feel that universal rights extend to animals too; people who have come to this conclusion after researching and reflecting on the facts. It wouldn’t hurt you to find out more before you condemned vegans and animal rightists as “being the biggest problem”. We are not. We’d like to be part of the solution.
“I support animal rights.”
Which ones if you don’t mind me asking? The right to life?
“Why can a compromise not be reached whereby the tradition goes ahead with some modification so it is accetable to both the traditional Zulu and those like myself who are concerned about animal rights.”
A compromise cannot be reached between two parties if one party refuses to discuss the matter. It’s that simple.
@Oscar Melamed
Whats your point? Hitler was supposed to be a vegetarian of sorts and he was also a control freak of note. Yes I know the difference between vegans and vegetarians, you don’t need to tell me.
Heather Mills, (Ex Beetle – Sir Paul McCartny’s former wife) is a vegan releasing a book on veganism and appears to be a control freak of note that broke up their marriage.
Also Google “Another sex scandall for Heather Mills” and “Hard Core evidence that Heather Mills porn past is back in the open” and “Heather Mills accuses meat eaters of ‘vandalising’ the planet”.
My point is veganism is not the B-all and end all. I respect peoples right to choose that life style and in fact would encourage anyone considering it.
However, King Goodwill is not going to become a vegan I don’t think, so change the ritual, stab the steer in the jugular with an assagei to appease the ancestors and kill the bull quickly and everyone is happy, except the vegans, control freaks, and lunatic fringe of the animal rights movement.
Nice article to make one chuckle over Monday work blues. Pity most bloggers (ie Dave Harris) take themselves so seriously that they can’t recognise satire when it bludgeons them on the nose.
For the dull/serious witted; satire mocks everyone and proves that ‘many a true word is said in jest.’
Brent
Same Bull, it is my understanding that the animal rights people are opposing the method and not the slaughter itself.
Loved it William, you managed to upset both sides. A true art in been able to do this to perfection.
he he he
Activists by their name stir up emotions and cause people to take sides from emotions .
If the King communicated with NSPCA, as requested; the world wide ridicule avoided.
An NSPCA Livestock Inspector could “stun” the Bull as it falls, before “Warriors” perform their ritual to death.
The animal is alive but senseless to torture, pain and shock.
Is this racist, imperialist, supremacist any “cist” you can name ?
Activism condemns; with no alternatives.
National SOCIETY for PREVENTION of cruelty to animals is a service to society. Disaster Managers !
With minimal aid from government; have to remove devastation of cruel “owners” who abuse, neglect or allow animals to breed.
SPCA funds are low as the old, charitable people who gave money and time, are dying and the young leaving.
I challenge readers to give a small donation, to your local SPCA as you WILL need them to heal, help, find, fetch or search for your and others’, terrified animals.
BAN FIREWORKS New Year – animals have acute hearing in excess of humans and suffer ear agony that can drive them insane.
Prove you are a human – no childish bang, bangs – Please !
Why did M&G really publish this?
When will we learn just to laugh?
The problem i have with modern day society is that we scoff at anything which we don’t understand and aren’t suitable for us. Why don’t we close down all the abbatoirs then for mistreating our prized Woolies steak?
The minute we make an effort to understand each other’s cultures and beliefs will be the day we start making real progress.
@Neuren
Ask EvylShnukums if he/she is opposing the method of slaughter or the slaughter itself. EvylShnukums and a few other vegans are regular contributors to this debate.
@EvylShnukums
A group of paranoid South Africans cannot get beyond the fact that the Zulu monach would not talk to them. Ag shame.
Some in the animal rights movement are not interested in compromise. They want to stop the bull being slaughted. There is nothing is SA law to enforce that.
I do not believe in the right of animals to life. I do oppose cruelty and do not eat meat myself but do not insist others stop meat eating, I am not a control freak. I have debated this before and am totally happy with my position.
I love it. Pushing us to laugh at ourselfs.
Ho ho! This was fun indeed! Shreds ripped off every person, and yet each feels as if they are hard-done-by.
“Same Bull” – it’s an Illuminati conspiracy. I am merely a vegetarian, not ranking high enough to see the bigger picture, ie vegan. However, you know too much…who told you the name of “Him” – the freaking control super-freak? The main mushroom-muncher himself? Err…who is it, anyway?
Same Bull, it would be hypocritical of me to consider the viewpoint of vegans in this argument, as I am not a vegan, I have on the other hand have been exposed to the horror of the meat industry. The meat industry is a far larger topic than a ritual slaughter and should therefore be discussed separately. What is really at issue here is the sadistic suffering that the bull is subjected too as part of a cultural ritual.
@Kelly
Very serious conspiracy yes, not just a conspiarcy theory. I’m so worried I have an Illuminati protection charm above my front door.
I also have a degree in psychology so its easy to pick out the control freaks in internet forums. Its also easy to find out who they are by talking to animal rights activists. People let slip without them even knowing it.
What concerns me most is a group paranoid mind set, very often with a strong racist component in the sub-conscious that cannot move forward and compromise.
They want the Zulu to stop their pre-modern traditions at all costs. Their message is subtle, they seldom speak about it openly but will obstuct any possibility of progress and do everything possible to create schisims in society.
@Kelly
Spot on. Easy to track down. Ask around in the right circles.
“The arrogance of the Zulu royal family in refusing to address this issue has not been too helpful, even more so that ARA is represented by an outspoken white man.”
http://www.thoughtleader.co.za/sentletsediakanyo/2009/12/04/ukweshwama-what-is-all-this-bull/
So who represents Animal Rights Africa, is he also vegan?
As a non South African, I think I should inform you all of how completely ridiculous you all seem to the outside world when all you seem to do is run around calling each other racists even when race has very little to do with what you are debating.
Can you really not move past it?
So did anyone ask the bull? I presume that if I was the bull and this bunch of homosapien maniacs declared that I should die for some superstitious crap that belonds in the last millenium, I would humbly beg them to make it quick and painless. The issue here is not the killoing of a bull, it is the manner in which it is killed. This speaks volumes about the people who see fit to kill it in this way.
Foie Gras, seal clubbing and the other counter arguments simply highlight the same cruelty in other cultures. In no way does this absolve the Zulu from trying to weed it out in theirs. To extend this idiotic argument one may say that South Africa need not have abolished apartheid since it still exists in India and Palestine. Sure the Zulu would be the first to see the problems there.
People who abuse animals are far more likely to abuse other people. In a country with a violence problem surely we should be moving away from it in all of its forms?
What if Animal Rights Africa do not want to meet the Zulu King until they can be guaranteed animal life (rights) equals human life (rights).
Very much a vegan principle I guess.
I am not suggesting control freak conspiracies.
I’m just saying that is the real world position they are attempting to negotiate from. That is why they make so much fuss about the monarch not meeting them. Everything is King Goodwill’s fault. They are innocent.
Animal right = human rights????
Tell that to a Masai warrior who needs to provide for his family, while he has his spear trained on a buffalo.
@Kathan Pillay= a good one- pity its lost in all the noise of emotion