Michael Trapido
Michael Trapido

Al-Qaeda training camp a disaster

The media and certain political parties appear to be up in arms over the so-called failure of the Hawks, crime intelligence and the State Security Agency (SSA) to report on their alleged monitoring of an al-Qaeda training camp in South Africa.

This is a no-brainer.

Our top police units and SSA work with police and intelligence units from around the world and very seldom share information as it compromises their investigations.

This is not only applicable to local units but those involved in combatting terrorism around the world. It is the way that these units HAVE TO OPERATE. If they were to leak information it would compromise not only their assets on the ground but future intelligence gathering and — where applicable — arrests.

The good news is that I have stumbled upon a Wikileksoosniks report which contains a telegram sent by a commander in the field to al-Qaeda head Ayman al-Zawahiri who took over from Osama bin Laden.

It reads :

Supreme Commander

I note with regret that we are unable to supply you with any of the recruits who trained in South Africa for the following reasons :

1. They are all overweight!

2. When told to order supplies they did an “arms” deal which cost us billions and all we have to show for it are submarines on bricks and aircraft that nobody can fly. Their budget was $12 567 which they overshot by $2.2 billion.

3. When accounting asked for vouchers they said they would only submit them to a commission of inquiry (whatever that is).

4. When we stopped their pay they went on strike. Soldiers on strike? Never heard of such a thing.

5. They put in a request that our main airforce base in Yemen be used as a place where the wedding guests of one soldier could land (are they being serious?)

6. Ever since they’ve been back there have been shootouts with both the police and the traffic police — where did they learn this?

For the above and many other reasons (too numerous to list here) please don’t allow our recruits to be trained in South Africa again. They are picking up extraordinary habits probably unprecedented elsewhere on the planet.

We pride ourselves on delivering maximum firepower to any target on any given day.

All this lot has achieved is getting themselves fired.

Yours incredibly sincerely,

Ground Commander

Pakistan Tribal Area

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  • 8 Responses to “Al-Qaeda training camp a disaster”

    1. bernpm #

      Enjoyed your take on this news item.

      I always thought that these were the guys SA send to the DRC, their mission being to pick up the weaponry they had ordered and test them in the DRC to prevent SA citizens from knowing about their existing Al Qaeda link.

      May 14, 2013 at 1:38 pm
    2. Enough Said #

      :-)

      May 14, 2013 at 3:29 pm
    3. Sterling Ferguson #

      @Trapido, you have the ability to make people laugh when everyone is crying. However, Al -Qaeda look at Africa as a good place to establish a base because most of these countries are weak and fragile.

      @Enough Said, you should learn to smile.

      May 14, 2013 at 6:20 pm
    4. Nigel #

      I loved the name given to the equally unprepared Boeremag training get-togethers, which were usually over a braai and beer, they were referred to as Al-Cadac

      May 15, 2013 at 8:52 am
    5. Enough Said #

      @Stirling

      An unlearned smile is better that a dysfunctional brain. ;-)

      May 15, 2013 at 6:29 pm
    6. Shafinaaz Hassim

      Genius reporting. Best I’ve seen on the topic.

      May 17, 2013 at 11:30 am
    7. Hameeda #

      The best article on this topic by far

      May 17, 2013 at 7:29 pm
    8. Gill katz #

      So funny!

      May 19, 2013 at 6:59 pm

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