“If Zuma is corrupt, then we want him with all his corruption. We want him with all his weaknesses. If he is uneducated, then we want him as our uneducated president.” (Julius Malema ANCYL president at Cato Manor) Zuma, he said, understood South African economics, which amounted to: “Put a bread on the table. We don’t want sophistication.” (Times)
Pink Floyd should regroup for a South African tour:
We don’t need no education
We don’t need no thought (leave it, I’ve adapted it)
No Zille garden boys in the classroom
Teachers leave them kids alone
Hey! Teacher! Leave them kids alone!
Hey! Teacher! You want a hiding?
Hey! Teacher! Drop the fake accent!
And a partridge in a pear tree.
Fabulous stuff!
Which means that after the elections we simply have to find a place for Malema on account of him having turned down a spot on the ANC parliamentary list.
Think about it, where is there a desperate need for someone who feels nothing for education and is quite happy to accept corruption as part of the normal day-to-day running of a major operation? Someone who is a great wit (although here I’m probably half right) and is used to dealing with the negative press that comes with the territory?
No doubt about it, Malema was born to take control of OR Tambo Airport.
Of course we all know that because of that airport and Home Affairs we now need visas if we wish to enter the UK. One month after Malema takes charge the only way you’ll be able to access Britain is by flying to France, watching Papillon on the flight over, driving to the French side of the English Channel and hoping you can land a raft on a remote part on the other side.
Short of that I’d have to say that a one-eyed leper with “Jihads R Us” printed on his T-shirt wearing a bell around his neck — the kind used to warn people of the Black Death — and waving a live hand grenade has a better chance of getting through Heathrow than any South African.
Along the lines of: “ding ding ding Heathrow announces the departure of rendition flight 744 to Kabul. Could all South Africans without visas kindly board through gate 7 … and take your bloody wood with you. Does the terminal look like a raft building centre?!”
Picture Sky’s interview with Graeme Smith at the Twenty20 World Cup:
“Graeme as one of the favourites did you think it was wise to bring only eight players this close to the tournament.”
“We actually brought sixteen players and eight officials but the raft capsized and we lost two-thirds of our touring party in the channel.”
Unfortunately SAA are currently drowning in a deluge of negative publicity with everything from crews being bust with drucks at Heathrow, enormous financial problems, strikes and even Carte Blanche having a programme on Sunday night wherein it was alleged that no less than 15 druck syndicates are operating out of OR Tambo. Can we fix all that?
Hell no!
So surely the next best thing is to put Malema in control of the whole thing. As he has already stated regarding Zuma, he’d be happy to have him as president even if he turns out to be corrupt. This nest of corruption should therefore be his ideal placement. While he might not be able to stop the syndicates, improve the finances or even put an end to the strikes, he could certainly see off the media with the currently unemployed pack of sniffer dogs.
Is he any good with animals?
Well he undoubtedly seems to know lots and lots about snakes and a bit about the odd mouse or two — overqualified if you ask me.
Anyhow if anyone from the media or one of Zille’s garden boys comes within 500m of OR Tambo they’ll think they’ve just stepped onto the set of The Omen. The sight and sounds of fifteen homicidal Rottweilers — their nails trying desperately to get a grip on the concrete floor as they try to turn a corner — with Malema shouting encouragement in the background — should be enough to see off even the bravest cameraman Carte Blanche has on their panel.
So even though all the corruption and waste should continue unabated, at least we won’t get to hear about it. Moreover we could introduce euthanasia for those who wish to end it all but aren’t able to do it themselves. None of the subtlety of a clinic in Switzerland for our mob:
“I’m sorry Mrs Blowfeld but you only have about 6 months to live.”
“Thank you for your honesty doctor. Could you call me a cab for the airport and ask your receptionist if I could just have one of those press cards you have on sale in the lobby?”
“Certainly. Should I just make sure that Malema hasn’t kennelled the dogs while he’s visiting Nogoma?”
“Thank you doctor.”
For his part Malema would be spending most of the day at the airport in between popping out to threaten the country and insulting the opposition and ANC leaders before heading home for tea and biscuits.
Why stop at one airport; put the whole lot under his control. Then us Kaapenaars won’t be fighting with the Traffic Control rottweilers about waiting at the “Drop and Go” at CT Intl; we’ll keep moving or…
An uneducated population falls for a simple message like “bread on the table”.
“White bread for all” (as opposed to the hated subsidised brown) was one of the simple slogans that gor the Nats into power with the poor white vote in 1948. Much to their own surprise – never mind to Smuts’ surprise!
Smuts actually called the trade unionist Rae Simons to his office and complimented her on having warned him. She repeated to him – “you lost touch with your people”.
Far out, Traps, far out. Hilarious.
Check JULIUS Schleicher – Nazi Spokesperson, Editor” Der Stürmer ” the similaritys are staggering
Really, Traps. Do you think you are being FUNNY ?
This sort of stuff tends to put me seriously off Thought Leader – moderated, nogal
A smashing take on Africa’s Paris Hilton, albeit the boy/man version.
Your five stars are fully deserved sir.
Whatever…
* (sies another Malemaphobia)
Traps – great article. With Rotties running around we won’t have many people at ORT and that should solve the “Followed from the airport” theft problem. Perhaps they could be trained to do the theft on site and really stop tourists in their tracks?
For all Malema’s oddball statements, there is a strain of reason within his words that speaks to the wider frustrations of the poorest and least privileged constituents of the Congress Alliance. In a country where unemployment is close to a staggering 40 percent, you’re probably dealing with a situation where an even bigger proportion of households contain one or more members who survive by one form of illegal economic activity or another. In such a situation the line between corruption and legitimacy is meaningless, and the people forced to survive by illegal means have their own conception of what is right and just. Chop shops, hijackings, drug trafficking, breakins, etc. are thus part of the moral economy of the poor. Within this moral economy people have ideas by which they make sense and find legitimate reason for activities forbidden by those who have no need of the compulsion to survive by crooked means. The very sustenance of poor households depends on forbidden forms of economy, and the people involved don’t need an education on how to keep that thriving. Zuma appeals to their awareness that the “legitimate” economy beyond the realm of their self-constituted world is unequal and unjust. If indeed he is corrupt, he mirrors the means by which they survive in an unjust world. Malema knows this. He may not make sense to Traps but he certainly does to the poor.
Traps,
You missed another red-facer; for what appears to be the best of reasons, Amazon refuses to post parcels to South Africa anymore. The only way to use this (otherwise) global service is to pay a vast amount extra for courier delivery.
(you lot already need visas for france, traps. i’ve heard that schengen visas are going to become even more of a pain to get. ag, shame.)
Traps, a short year ago your blogs were characteristically sharp and sober. Is it my imagination or are you experiencing rising levels of hysteria? While the rest of us chuckle at your hilarious wit (in no half-measures) I sometimes wonder if your humour reflects a grin of mirth or a grimace of panic ….
Paul – I know about Amazon and it’s a great shame for those of us who read a lot and have to wait months for the new books we want.
Mundundu – France as well? What bad luck…we’ll have to start rafting from Spain…
Yeah well – my daughter’s new passport has just been stolen by the Post Office – in London!
Traps, I don’t think the bit about the garden boys is funny. If anything, it’s humiliating to those blacks who have to do domestic work (even cleaners etc.). Maybe we shouldn’t joke about it.
The thing about this country is that ‘public opinion’ is measured in a very narrow way. Mostly it is middle-class opinion. That is why a lot of us might be puzzled as to how, when we know that Zuma is so obviously unfit to govern, millions of people seem to think otherwise. or why, after the ANC had gotten such bad press due to ‘slow service delivery, two-thirds of voters voted for it. Perhaps if we got off our all-knowing, middleclass pedestal we might be in line with what the rest of SA is actually thinking. The DA is not likely to secure votes if certain people in that party still continue to potray blacks as dim-witted and unable to make political decisions that are in their interests. Only 45% of eligible voters voted in the previous election. Presumably, a large chunk of the 55% was black and if many of them vote now; they will likely vote for the ANC; despite the bad press it has been receiving. Perhaps if/when the DA adresses more authentically the issue of race as being an essential determinant of class instead of denying this obvious fact, then we will see a significant shift in voting dynamics
Trotsky makes a lot of sense. Sadly…
Very funny…
Maybe it will not be as funny 20 years from now when Malema is an entrenched dictator. He can do more harm to South Africa than the damage Mugabe has done to Zimbabwe.
The ANC must reform him.
Phillipa – nobody would ever call highly educated politicians “garden boys” except Malema.
Of course we have to rub his nose in it.
Belle – I feel a bit better acquainted with my audience and what part of my humour they like and what they don’t. This makes it far easier to be a bit more expressive.
In terms of South Africa I could not be more positive. I feel that we are getting around to that robust debate Kollapen suggested awhile back.
We really are a different mob and that’s why I love this country and all the people.
In terms of Malema – Max Clifford on steroids could not have created a profile this high in such a short time.
Go Julius you good thing!
Well done, Traps…