Robert Mugabe
Hi, I’m Bob,
I am in my late middle ages, which is exactly how I run my country, like the Late Middle Ages. A great famine followed by a bubonic plague-like population reduction. But enough about history, let’s talk about me. As I’m being forced to enter into power sharing I figured that I’d get a part-time job to fill in all those spare hours. Something that requires people kills.
At first I thought about being the CEO of a large chemical company but that would take years of government and environmental studies before I achieve anything like the recognition I deserve. No good at all. What I’m looking for is something in ICBM sales, preferably somewhere in Asia. My contact details are set out above.
If I’m not in ask for Grace.
Osama bin Laden
Hi, I’m Osama,
Much as I’ve enjoyed cave dwelling these past few years I’m actually beginning to find it all rather tiresome. If it’s not American bombers overhead then you can guarantee that some of my geniuses will be fiddling around with heavy equipment just as I’m settling down to Days of our Lives.
I mean, what is the point of trying to keep track of the intricacies of this wonderful show when half the time the explosions are interfering with my signal and then my barbarians are making such an awful din that I might as well be watching a silent movie? If I have to count the number of times I’ve had to go outside and pistol whip those morons I’d be here all day! It’s not as if I haven’t explained to them time and time again that this is a serial, so if I miss an episode I might as well not watch at all! You lose the continuity.
If anyone knows of somewhere clean, with a modicum of security (a couple of Scuds, one or two SAM’s … no questions asked) and good television reception, kindly drop off the address at the usual place. You know where.
It will be collected.
George Bush
Hi, I’m George
People often ask me whether I’m sad to be handing over to the new president in a couple of months. Hell no!
When I leave our trade deficit will be well over a trillion dollars, the taxpayers will be footing the bill to bail out Wall Street fat cats and our manufacturing index will stand at its lowest point in years.
And that’s just financial.
Our troops are all over the globe. Those that aren’t in Afghanistan and Iraq now will probably land up in some other far-flung conflict soon. Iran is going nukkeler. Pakistan, who we’re shelling from Afghanistan, are nukkeler and could get nasty some time real soon and India, with our blessing, has built up quite a decent little nukkeler stockpile.
So I phoned the South African president this week and asked him if I could come live there.
It’s not safe here anymore.
Julius Malema
Hi, I’m Julius.
Got home late from a meeting of the Youth League last night because one of our members believes that he has discovered the secret of fire. Exciting stuff!
You’ll also be amazed to learn that we have started a knitting club to help us win the election. We hit each other with clubs and see whose bones take the longest to knit.
We’re thinking of patenting it.
Don’t forget to DIE FOR ZUMA!
Sarah Palin
Hi, I’m Sarah
Today I thought I’d give my readers my favourite recipe just to show them what a wholesome, good ol’ all American gal I really am. Hold on to your britches folks because it’s :
Moose a La Orange
[Take pictures with bloody moose and kids for press in order to try and lure all those Hillary Clinton voters. Who knows, could to be tons of homicidal Alaskan moose hunters among them?)
Ingredients
Directions
Preheat oven to 350°.
Down three glasses of brandy neat.
Place moose on serving platter and smother with sauce (mix all the ingredients you haven’t used).
Serve with wild rice, or potatoes and parsley.
Best served with a decilitre of Chateaux Detroit Carburettornet (It’s a red, don’t let the colour fool you).
Next week: Feeding starving people on discarded hockey pucks
What about Thabo? Rumour has it that he has lots of time on his hands. And a fair amount of parsley, sage and rosemary too. Especially Rosemary.
Or, no, that’s Jacob Zuma.
So hard to tell the difference.
Traps – I’ve just got to get some of what you are smoking when you write a blog! : ) Who is your supplier?
Okay, let’s continue with the list:
* Godzille
Here I am, a leader of the small faction of small opposition parties. Yesterday, No man! I meant to say ‘everyday’ I go out to my constituency; I make sure that I don’t leave the hall without mentioning the ANC name,10 times.
By the way, Clamour, fume and enraging stuff are what make me. Forget about policies, we’re just there to oppose whatever ANC comes up with. It should be noted that I (in my kindergarten) have a wannabe pale leader. We use him as a laughing stock; he’s our laboratory for comedy. Remember (recently) we made him to stand for the presidency of the country, fully knowing that he’ll be trashed and embarrassed by gigantic ANC MPs in parliament. Actually, it worked he was indeed embarrassed. Our experiment did work.
* Erstwhile Transkei despot
Here I am, a leader of a breakaway faction of United Dum Motionless party, a leader of the every small kindergarten faction of other small kindergartens.
I don’t tolerate diverse views from my class. By the way, tolerance is something I never believed in, I once ruled a homeland called Transkei,, I banged the hell out of who ever opposed or protested for their rights. Remember, I’m the one who sent the junta to beat the hell out of teachers who were marching because their well not satisfied with their work conditions and salaries.
I, now, pretend as if I am man of ethics but my conscience speaks the opposite.
* Mulder
Here I am, a leader of right wingers and a class monitor for the chauvinistic OUVS students. The word change for me (us) means everyone should speak Afrikaans; by the way Afrikaans (according to our belief) is still the first language in SA and it should remain so. The majority of the land should remain with elite, if not, then we’ll make a lot of noise using our ally (AgriSA). We’ll even threaten to leave the country.
My kindergarten was formed by Mulders, and we will do everything to keep it within family-lines, Mulders’ clan. We’re even thinking of calling it FF+Mulderism.
Even our alliances, the unions should also be led by Mulders. We’re didn’t intend to nepotic, but it just (incidentally) happened.
We’re representing only farmers, and few miners.
* Erstwhile defence speedster and my mini-me
Unfortunately, we pushed ourselves out of the party and we’re making a lot of noise now outside. And again unluckily Greef (defence union leader) is celebrating for our departure. He even said ‘Good riddance’, we wonder what he meant to say.
I suspect, he said that because of our incompetence and poppycock-ish behaviour with the state organ. Remember no so long ago, I (sic) offered a military training to juntas (that continues to trash innocent civilians) of our neighbouring northern state. Where there’s an immovable object, an ever-oily face power drunk tyrant who’s ruling the country like his spaza shop. For us he’s a hero, he deserved to be praised. Actually, if I were to stay for longer I was going to [personally] train more of his juntas myself.
But now, I (with my mini-me) intending to form a ‘doomed-to-fail wannabe anc party. I wonder how awful it’s going perform not to mention power stiffs amongst us.
But I suppose it’s worth trying; if the former Transkei despot has tried, why can’t we?
Happy now!!!
In Fairness I believe
Rod like you must get your gunja from Cape Town hey! It’s like amazing.
Traps that should have been ama-zing as it is twice as potent!!!
Good humour is “a laugh and a tear”. You are on the right track!!
Far out, Michael, far out!!!
Jon: whoever you are, you just had to mention Mbeki’s name. I am sick of these ciber cowards who spew vitriol for absolutely no reason and try to escape their own miserable little lives by saying 9wholly unsolicited) bad things about those entrusted with public office.
Traps, that moose recipe looked authentic. ‘Fess up…have you been at the moose again?
Jacob Zuma could blog about the “dead duck”.. the quack-quack khosa.
Blade Nzimande could blog about taking over the African National Communists.
Desmond Tutu could blog about how sad he is now that the quack-quack khosa has gone.
Manto could blog about quack doctors and quack medicine.
Vavi could blog about viva, viva, Vavi.
Winnie Mandela could blog about waht the Woman’s League get up to when they have a night on the town.
Malema, like Camus, could blog about the dilemma posed by suicide.
Jane Duncan of The FXI could blog about why she doesn’t answer my letters.
Should I forget about Thabo, then?
Thabo who?