I don’t know how many of you saw last week’s insert on Sky News about Johannesburg and crime, purportedly as part of its build-up to Soccer World Cup 2010, but it merits a response.
How dare Sky suggest that Johannesburg is one of the most dangerous cities in the world and that people are too scared to venture out of their houses?! If it had bothered to watch the local news, it would have seen many of us racing out of our homes — to the nearest cop shop to report intruders.
Besides, what is the point of doing a World Cup FAQ if geniuses like Sky News don’t even take the time and trouble to read it?
It seems obvious to me that by covering all aspects in one column, people are battling to take it all in. Accordingly, in the build-up to 2010 I’ll be dealing with one segment at a time.
Today: South African airports and domestic carriers.
Before I begin, I have to confess that I am terrified of flying. The only airline I ever use is Bells Airways; a treble in the departure lounge and as much scotch as the stewardesses are prepared to serve during the flight.
I’m often asked to analyse this fear in order to diagnose what causes it. I hate the take-offs with a passion; that bit in the air is nerve shattering; and landing just about wipes out what’s left of me. The bit where you collect your luggage after the flight is fine.
(Send your diagnosis on a postcard to Riaan Wolmarans, PO Box 213, Johannesburg, 2190).
And, yes, I’ve heard the seven million accounts of how flying is safer than driving.
Mind you, a distant cousin of mine was killed in a car crash last week — a fucking plane fell on him!
Where was I? Oh yes, our planes and airports.
First of all, ignore all the garbage you read about local airlines. Yes, Nationwide did have its entire fleet grounded, but it has found out what the problem was. Many of its technicians had left their supplier manuals in their lockers and Nationwide noticed that most of them were bookmarked to the first page. You know, the bit about: “Thank you for choosing the Boeing Mark III spiegel engine with air con and automatic windows etc etc …”
Apparently Nationwide’s techies are now required to finish at least a chapter a week or they won’t be allowed to work on the planes.
I mean, what is the point of airlines buying perfectly good engines if they’re going to lose them during flights?
Although we’re sure you’ll enjoy the gentle banter provided by our pilots on some of these flights. Here’s a recent example:
“Morning ladies and gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. Welcome aboard this Nationwide flight 617 from Cape Town to Johannesburg, the weather looks clear, so we hope you’ll enjoy your time with us. We’ll be cruising at an altitude of 32 000 feet … what the f… was that?! Make that 8 000 feet … Goeie genade! We’re going to DIEEEEEEEEE!”
Big kidders!
But hey! Don’t let me spoil it for you by giving you the ending.
Secondly, please ensure that you pack your luggage neatly. Ground staff at the airports are finding it very time consuming wading through all your stuff, deciding what they like, trying it on, checking whether their bums look fat in the mirror and then returning it to the conveyors for you to retrieve.
This leads to unnecessary delays and overcrowding inside the terminals.
This in turn makes it difficult for the guys inside the airport to signal their mates in the parking lot who are awaiting your presence in the second “arrivals hall” — where they will assist you in reducing your load even further.
Always remember that while begging for your life not to interrupt the “attendants'” train of thought. This could prove very unhelpful!
Thirdly, always keep some money secreted somewhere about your body. From the time you leave the terminal, until the time you almost make it to a taxi, chances are all forms of currency and negotiable instruments will have left your possession.
If you remember to do this, it’s just a quick trip to the toilets to retrieve your hidden stash. Don’t worry about not being able to get it out — most tourists who use this method find that it’s already in their underpants by the time they get to the toilets.
Always remember: Johannesburg may well be one of the most dangerous cities in the world, but the chances of you making it there, alive, are very slim indeed.
Those who do arrive safely, we trust that you will enjoy your stay with us.
Next week: Fatality rate among tourists dips below 75%.
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