This has been a long time in the making and I apologise to my detractors and supporters alike for it taking this long to pen the follow-up to “I blame your mother for your laziness” which came in for much debate, as anticipated, and I hope that it opened people’s minds to how most men weigh up “a good prospect” for a companion. I will continue to take the heat for my brothers so that they don’t have to, but can reap the rewards as their partners maybe start to see that taking care of your man and allowing him to be a man is not necessarily mutually exclusive to being a modern, liberated “equal partner” in a household.
I feel it is vital that I venture to explain my abscondense from blogging lately. You see, the Mail & Guardian doesn’t pay me — a certain confectionary company which makes the best chocolate in the world does and I have been rather preoccupied with keeping my job since February, when a rather major change happened which necessitated even stronger action from me and this has taken up most of my evenings, which I would have otherwise spent writing leisurely — for no pay — and or drinking beer.
So, now that that is out of the way let me proceed with shedding some light on the subject of relationships between the male and the female of our species, specifically around courtship.
If you are a traditional man, you are automatically branded a chauvinist and backward, but only if you try to live by those traditions that perpetuate you as a leader of the household and king of your own little debt-ridden kingdom. Where the woman benefits, you are required to uphold those benefits and those traditional values will be called nice names like chivalrous, gentlemanly and polite. But when you uphold those traditions that maintain you as king of the castle and rightful head of the household, you will be labelled backward, chauvinist and a caveman — a double standard here, anyone?
Here is an example: when you are to meet a girl for the first date, you are often required to beg for the date because a woman who approaches you is traditionally deemed forward and women still hold the retarded notion that if she approaches you, you will figure her a slut and proceed to use her before casting her aside or passing her digits on to your boys. This couldn’t be further from the truth, but this is how a lot of women live their lives, refusing to take the control of the engagement into their own hands, but rather allowing themselves to go on with the ride, which is fuelled by the said unfortunate gentleman, with the requirement from the woman being only to spruce herself to be served up as the proverbial banquet spotted dick.
Chivalry requires that the gentleman makes the evening’s plans before the fetching young lady and transporting her to the venue where he will wine and dine her, open doors and pull out chairs for her as he goes and all in the hope that maybe, just maybe she will be willing to spend the rest of her life with him. If not the rest of her life, then maybe for a weekend away in the Drakensberg, which he will also have to fund, if you were wondering.
If it all goes well, the young man will be standing outside the women’s door after the date angling for a kiss, which he most probably won’t get (it being the first date and everything). And you guessed it, he will also have to initiate this phase of the date and hope for the best, putting himself out there for rejection.
The theory then goes that if she gives the young man absolutely nothing on the first date, then she is a good woman, worth another date — I personally have never gotten this bit — you reject me and that makes you better than a girl who doesn’t reject me?! This is ludicrous, but these are women we are dealing with here, not the most rational people.
So because the young man, well, is young and still foolish, he calls her for another date, but in the interim the woman has been tossing and turning, calling friends for support and praying that the guy she turned down for a goodnight kiss and made to feel generally unattractive and unwanted actually calls her for a second date!
What?! Yeah, I know, beats me too — it’s a delicate dance, this courtship business.
Second date comes along and the woman puts on her best “I want nothing to do with you” show in order to really hook this guy, because apparently the longer she holds out the better a woman she is. And this goes on and on until finally, the magic three months have gone past and she gives it up, because that’s what women worth their salt do, they wait.
In the meantime the poor guy has been on a rollercoaster of emotion, not knowing whether she liked him or not, but has had to stick by his guns for the supposed prize, because we too have been brainwashed to believe that rejection means a good upbringing and solid morals. Sad, really.
So the masochist carries on until he gets the girl or the girl allows herself to be had and they get married and are in their marital home — the roles then are reversed. The tradition that he has carried on the whole courtship should now apply to the woman, right? You’d think for sure, but then you’d be modelled a chauvinist with caveman tendencies.
Traditionally, the man works, and the woman takes care of the home. Granted, these days everyone works, but how much of that traditional dance of marriage should be compromised due to the changed times and the roles of married people in the modern relationship? If you are a guy and are thinking that perhaps after all that work you did during the courtship and the financial investment you made in the relationship and by extension on her, you should get a break, then you are gravely delusional — you are now expected to do half the housework as well, as the modern good husband does.
Things have just gotten exponential for the woman, and the relationship requirements have curved into creating her as the queen of the castle, not an equal partner. A wife is superior to a man in every respect in our society these days and even the law says that, just try to divorce her for cheating on you and you’ll see. She’ll be given half your stuff to take and go spend with the guy she cheated on you with.
If you expect your wife to cook, clean, wash or even to participate in bed, then you have a high mountain to climb. Women are busy these days, you see, they have jobs more important than yours and don’t have the time to be a good wife when there is a corporate ladder to climb and the Gucci pot of gold at the end of the rainbow to chase.
After all that the man is traditionally expected to go through during courtship, all the traditional values in a marriage have to be shifted — the chores are shared and the man’s movement carefully monitored because God forbid he actually goes out with mates and enjoys himself without her.
So the modern man is supposed to provide and the woman will supplement that provision because she is not satisfied with what the man provides, which means that he also has to do his part in the home with the housework. Have you seen an unhappily married man? He has this hollow look in his eyes as he stands at the till at the mall with a woman in tow and he always watches you with fond memories when he sees your trolley with two things in it — a case of beer and two hundred rand’s worth of biltong on your way to watch the weekend’s sport activities.
There are benefits to being married, of course, but they are becoming very few and get eroded with every new issue of Cosmo. In time only the illusion of love and sowing your seed will remain the only benefits of marriage. And since we already know that love is a biochemical reaction that can be replicated, the hope of breeding will be the only benefit left.
In my life right now I see to every single aspect of my life from laundry to meals, to financial planning and back again. I want to breed my rugby player kids, and this is probably the only benefit to a relationship — I wouldn’t risk artificially inseminating a surrogate — lest my kids be called “test-tube babies” at creche, kids are cruel even at that level of their development.
Ladies, you are leaving us less and less choice in the matter and as soon as medical science develops a tonic to replicate feeling loved and fulfilled, which they are probably close to, and with the way blow-up-doll technology is accelerating towards the physical replication of anatomy and aIl, and it becomes more acceptable to breed laaities in a lab, you will become very dispensable to us.
Now all that is left to focus on is the legalisation of the prostitution industry and clean it up so it is safe for practitioners and customers alike — presto!
I rest,
The Sumo
sumobarin@gmail.com
I have been living alone for the last 30 years and will not change that for all the tea in China. I have been in and out of several relationships as any other ordinary human would have. I am currently unattached and believe me when I tell you I am quite content. Marriage is for the poor and the religious. No, I am not a deranged psychopath.
I agree whole heartedly, try going shopping with your girlfriend/wife and not buy her anything you qill be labelled stingy. She can go shopping and not buy you anything and its okay.
Gosh, you are one unhappy and muddled chap, aren’t you? The level of bitterness in your post is quite startling.
I thank god or whatever means the good that I am not in the dating game anymore. Instead, I am in a marriage (13 years and counting) where we share – our thoughts, our domestic tasks, our money, our bodies, our jokes. He has his own interests and goes out to pursue them as I do mine, which adds interest to our marriage.
Combine your comment that women are “not the most rational people” with your preoccupation with sex and being owed – well, honey, no wonder you’re not having the best of experiences! Plus, if you think that love is just a biochemical reaction which can be replicated, you’ve never got past the first base of sex. Believe me, sex is fun and sexual attraction is necessary, but it’s not what will carry you through for decades of married life, it’s a quite different kind of love which you have obviously never experienced. Why not abandon the dating scene for a while and spend some time with intelligent, egalitarian, happily married couples of long standing? They can teach you a thing or two.
The sad part is that women nowadays get advice about men from other women on these feminist mags(Cosmo)…and they dont know wat the f they talking about.
Women, even the most progressive ones, still feel it is part of culture for you to pay lobola for them, and turn around and say they wanna keep their surname when getting married. This freedom has not made women free…it just made them dom.
Way to go SUMO. And YES it does get worse every day!
@Sumo
I’ve often wondered why you chose the image of the back end of a Sumo wrestler. Now I understand. It’s the perfect avatar for a Troglodytic ‘spotted dick’.
As to your pivotal question: “… how much of that traditional dance of marriage should be compromised due to the changed times and the roles of married people in the modern relationship?”
I guess you missed that part of the maths course, eh? The answer is 100%.
You obviously view relationships purely in terms of transactions: X amount of (time, money, courtesy, whatever) for X amount of sex. Has it never occurred to you that YOU must earn a woman’s respect and trust before she will be inclined to be intimate with you????
And that the reason for that is precisely the CAVEMAN mentality you exhibit. Men, in general, have a physical strength advantage over women. The potential for abuse of that strength is always present in male-female relationships. One way a woman assesses the emotional maturity (aka self-control) and reliability of a man is by getting to know him AS A PERSON first.
Sex is not just sex for women. The consequences of even one impulsive sexual encounter can cost her her future and even her life in the age of AIDS. That in itself constitutes a sound reason for not ‘putting out’ as you call it.
Unlike erections, relationships are not automatic; they take time and sensitivity to establish.
Otherwise, stay home and read a book.
Between the ‘Babe’ column and this, spring is clearly here and all minds are turning to sex. Hell, we girls were more empowered during the 60s/70s than this!
But the urge to pick up a man’s laundry and make his lunch was never very strong in me. And as you so rightly pointed out, the other gender is expendable for all but one exercise. (Which is not quite the way I planned it, but there you go).
The test comes in how you train your children and my son cooks as well as I do, knows which end of a clothes’ peg to attach to the clothes’ line, but still lives in a pit which most of us would call a bedroom. I wander in about twice a week and get rude, but I refuse to clean up after him. As long as he lives in that mess, no one will want to marry him and he’s all, for most intents and purposes, mine and extremely useful to have around!
I generally don’t enjoy reading people’s opinions but you have captivated me to the last word.
Your thoughts- interesting and entertaining with some hint of truth. I absolutely agree with you on the point that career is WAY more important than anything else hence I prefer to delay marriage and enjoy my independance
@ Sumo You might enjoy Ira Levine’s The Stepford Wives (the book, not the movies). You would fit right into the life in Stepford.
You’ve been obsolete since artificial insemination was developed in the 60s.
As for your solution to what you see as an intolerable situation (being responsible for your own laundry, meals, etc.), prostitution seems perfect. Given that you already view courtship and marriage as financial transactions in exchange for sex and little rugby players, artificial wombs and sperm banks are the answer to your prayers.
Aside: Why is it that women are expected to do your laundry? Would you expect to do hers? Looking after YOURSELF is what it means to be an ADULT. It has nothing to do with being male or female. Women do not have a special laundry-cooking-cleaning gene.
Reproduction: Of course, you understand that in the absence of a human mother you will have to do everything for the little rugby players from nappy changes and feedings to doctors’ visits, schooling, etc. entirely on your own–when you’re not having sex with your blow-up doll or the ‘hired’ help, that is.
Then, again, perhaps you’d better not produce offspring. Evolution is in the direction of greater intellectual development, not regression.
@Guy Good for you. Single and contented trumps married and miserable any day. Given that over 50% of marriages end in divorce, learning to live happily on one’s own makes sense to me.
Emasculated, you’ve definitely been picking the wrong kind of woman!
Sumo, if you can’t tell whether a woman is interested in you by the end of your first date, there’s definitely something wrong with your radar.
Oh and Sumo, if you think that women aren’t rational you have a lot to learn about them, and about men too who can be so irrational it’s beyond belief. Just look at the guys with fat beer bellies who wear shorts that start under the belly yet who would criticise a woman for being 10 lbs overweight and who doesn’t show her excess weight like that. Look how men look at other women’s legs and cleavage but don’t want their woman to dress like that. The list is endless …
I’m sorry, perhaps I’m mistaken but aren’t you guys the ones who choose these women you speak of with such disdain!!!!!!! If you can’t do better, who’s fault is that?
I respect Guy for knowing that marriage is not for him, all I ask is that I not be judged because I want it.
Sumo… you clearly know a lot of insecure, dodgy women and I think you need to ask yourself why you are constantly drawn to these types of women. I know a lot of great women, perhaps I can introduce you to some, actually never mind. They have personalities and opinions and I know that just wont do!
Hi Sumo, A marriage is what you make of it and should not be entered into until you have established what you expect from it. My eldest son would like to be a kept man and househusband. My middle son will definitely wear the pants and God help the wife if she cheats. The third one decided to cut out women altogether as partners – he is a driven successful man who needs a man to understand his needs. He is good at everything he does. Women all adore him and he has endless women friends but I do not think he wishes to procreate thank God. Sad loss to the gene pool in a way. Eldest son’s woman is a career woman who doesn’t want kids either but should they happen said son will do the house husband thing. You are definitely not sure what you want yet and so it is a good thing not to have children until you do. Some men are in need of organising women and some women need to feel they are in charge. Make sure before you marry someone that your goals are the same but be prepared for things to change mightily when children come into the picture. Draw up a list of non-negotiables for the girl who seems to be miss right and she must do the same Exchange them and really think about the ones where you differ and see if a middle ground can be reached.
Sumo you’re a misogynisitc fool and I don’t blame any woman for treating you like one.
Very interesting read, factual and funny. We all have choices in life and we are the ones who must make those choices for ourselves. Being married is ot easy, its about a whole lot of compromising and sacrificing, if you can’t to that, don’t get married. Women are beautiful, loving and intelligent humans as well as are men, and we are all sometimes irrational, women are mostly emotional, which appear as if they are irrational. Otherwise I enjoyed reading this blog.
Think it might just be because you’re a terrible pig that women make it so difficult for you. Perhaps cyberspace is a more viable option for ‘men’ like you.
Good grief you guys – grow up! Women have suffered oppression for hundreds of years and are still by no means truly liberated. Can’t you men take what you dish out, or what …? If women are so bad then just turn gay. There you go – all sorted out.
Wasting your time mate, your article will be nitpicked by the opposite sex, unable to fathom what you are trying to express. Cleverly contrived justification is all you will get.
Funny how most women hate your article and most men empathise with you
Get involved with an asian woman and you will not look back. Caucasian women are a waste of time.
Married 30 years, thanks be to God, and would have been a selfish shell-fish if not for that. But I have understanding for guys for whom things didn’t work out or who would rather like to postpone.
Live the way you like brother, get merried to be devirced there must be insurrence policy for that
I am failing to comprehend why most ladies are attacking the Sumo. Not everything he says is not true. Actually he made very interesting points. Why not you ladies respond like wise i.e. with solid points? This is just me thinking out loud!
@ Alpheus re: thinking out loud
Really? I guess that explains the ‘sound of silence’….
The day I witnessed the birth of my second child, I began to see women as very special beings and my respect for my wife multiplied. The birth of a child is such an amazing thing that can only be carried out by a special being. Women are to be respected, adored and taken care of.
That a man encounters 200 bad affairs with women does not represent the billions out there. In statistic 200/2billion is negligible. Sumo may be fishing for Gold fish in a muddy pool.
People, get over yourselves! This column is equivalent to a stand-up show. Enjoyed it but will go on with my whipped life as a married man now.
@ Reality Check
“As Above, So Below”…
Looking after YOURSELF is what it means to be an ADULT. It has nothing to do with being male or female. Women do not have a special laundry-cooking-cleaning gene.
“Women do not have a special laundry-cooking-cleaning gene.”
clearly you don’t, but your ability is much better than any (ok, most) men. but maybe that has to do with 2000 odd years of men at the helm.
@sumo, aye brother. i don’t plan to get married, however if i get snared i think i’d be the first victim. must be a weak female gene in my system. need some malt to flush it away.
For me, this was mostly how any kind of romantic interest worked in South Africa during the major part of my life spent there. It was only after I left and travelled widely that I realised this does not have to be the norm, and there are many wonderful women out there. But for my part, I also believed some of those things about a woman’s “forwardness” that you mention. Which was the sad result of living in a society where everyone felt/feels the need to conform, and which I was sucked into as a younger guy.
So — agree with you Sumo — SA women, you’re not doing yourselves ANY favours when men up going abroad to find themselves partners, because you are too cold/immature to put yourself on the line. And considering they can get dual-citizenship into the bargain too…….
And just to qualify my last statement — you know who you are. The rest of you, God bless you for having a heart that doesn’t only feel for YOU.
Sumo, i’m not here to agree or disagree with you, but if you were reading what you just wrote, would you date YOU, let alone marry? i didn’t think so either. You’re better off without a woman in your life, and womankind is definitely the better for not coming across you. Even our president comes across as more progressive. Enjoy yourself.
Thanks, Dawn.
Oh people, what happened to your sense of humour!!! You go, Sumo. I am a woman, and I certainly appreciated your sense of humour. That said, I will not clean after my better half – though I love him to bits. All the hard, man-stuff in the house is done by hired help, and I am happy. All the soft, woman-stuff is done by machine and more hired help. We are living happily ever after. Try it.
So true Sumo!!!