The Sumo
The Sumo

Sexual intercourse and the perils of reckless engagement

Disclaimer: I aim to offend no one person or group of people with this blog, really, I don’t.

A lot has been done in terms of attempting to teach the South African public about the dangers of unprotected sex and, looking at the statistics of infection rates of terminal sexually transmitted diseases, one would be inclined to deduce that most of that education has indeed fallen on deaf ears, or ears that refuse to listen to reason.

Therefore it is thus that The Sumo, being a responsible member of society, has taken it upon his already lard burdened self to do his, for once — little bit, in aid of awareness of firstly the dangers of unprotected sex and secondly the unfortunate consequences.

You must appreciate, my dear reader, that the intervention offered here by The Sumo relates to his life, his experiences and his fears which have all come to sum up the reason why The Sumo takes such good care of himself as far as these rather exhausting engagements with females who are lucky enough for Eros to smile upon them, allowing The Sumo to show them fervour by letting them share the place where he lays his head are concerned.

Sex is very serious business in this day and age. Not ‘business’ as in the erection inducer peddling corporates that feed the eyes while starving the loins or also the criminal underbelly that peddles relief for such desires, whether illegally or otherwise disguised – no, I’m talking about the act of acquiring a partner and running through the process that culminates in heavy breathing and utter satisfaction session (for at least one party) after the standard three-minute period in the case of The Sumo (I am a man, not a machine).

I mean, sex is serious business in the sense that the dangers that are associated with the engagement have been steadily growing through the ages and I would think that they are now very close to their peak. We have HIV & Aids which are almost guarantees for termination of one’s life ultimately as a consequence of an ill-advised engagement. So as I said, this is very, very serious business.

Even if the consequence does not result in the expiry of one’s life, some of the results of reckless engagement quite closely resemble diamonds in the sense that they are forever. Kids are another arguably unfortunate consequence, mostly for the children than the parents in most cases, but sometimes the parents carry the most burden because being responsible and/or bound by their faith are obliged to care for these unexpected offspring with their lives, freedoms and careers often making way for the sacrifice.

We all have very personal short-comings (get your mind out of the gutter; does everything have to be of the flesh with you?). Some people are naturally jealous of others and cannot help themselves, some are judgmental, others are unable to love a fat person and many are closet racists and xenophobes.

So as an imperfect male of the species as well, it would be fitting that I have one such base shortcoming as well. I must say, from the onset, that I am very ashamed of this and only share it here because I believe that it shall go a long way into educating the nation or maybe, if I’m lucky, will dissuade even one person from engaging in reckless sexual behaviour.

My one of many, though probably most shame inducing, shortcoming is that I cannot extend my love to all people equally as all are of Gods creations. I cannot love all of my fellow man the same apparently. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not racist or xenophobic or anything that vile. No, my shortcoming is that I don’t think I can love an ugly child even if it were mine (and paternity tests, in triplicate, had proven this beyond any measure of doubt).

I’m a fat person who has been at the end of some of the worst verbal abuse by a group of people on another as a result of that person’s physical attributes, therefore I should be sympathetic to anyone else who is prejudiced because of their looks, yet I still don’t believe that I could love an ugly or aesthetically challenged even of mine — not the same as a aesthetically pleasing child anyway.

This of course pains me to no end, but I have thought about it and found that it is not only about me. After all Sdudla – It’s Bigger than You!, many people are shaped by their prejudices, but not only shaped, but also protected by them from the very perils that would alter their lives irreparably.

Such, I believe is my shortcoming. It has allowed me to make very informed, though extremely shallow, choices in the people I choose as mates. You see — I’m picky as a result of my self-absorbed, though yet still perceived, inability to love aesthetically displeasing offspring which may spawn from a merger of seed and gene with a female of extraordinarily unwelcoming aesthetics with the rather dashing Sumo.

Our contribution as men to the genetic make-up of the offspring is minimal, I heard this last week at my local bar, therefore it is unfortunately largely up to my mate how my offspring shall come out.

Now stay with me here as I make a few uneducated assumptions on ugly women; it would seem, from my vantage point as an eligible and very enticing bachelor, that ugly woman have the short end of the stick when it comes to picking a mate for the evening, or even harder, for a longer term where the fellow has to be seen in public with the said unfortunate lass.

Don’t judge me, ask any guy, when all else fails at the club or bar with the ladies you would have actually wished to exchange bodily fluids with, guys (1) Hit on anything female in the club with the un-pretty being the last to be attended to and (2) [and as a last resort] the help – waiters etc.

Guys, tell me I’m lying!

Therefore, it is general consensus that the less than pleasing ladies will have the last of the pick of the eligible guys. Same goes for fat guys with woman, usual when a nutrient retentive individual hangs around long enough at the club he will be finally picked up by some woman who has exhausted her options and has lost out with the hunks and having no choice, settles on grateful 147 kg Tub-O- Lard. So ladies, you have no foot to stand on and judge me either.

With the perils of ugly woman lurking in the shallows of time in the wee hours of the night, one has to thus be careful. The easy women are ugly or have something hideously wrong with them. Choosing such as mates can only lead to unhappiness, therefore The Sumo, knowing this, avoids such places and woman choosing to rather spend a quiet evening at home with a bucket of chicken and a case of Castles.

The above (a) keeps me disease free and (b) ensures that I cannot bare the unfortunate offspring who would be both aesthetically dismal and nutrient retentive. I would not subject my own to such; it would be irresponsible of me to be so reckless as to introduce a group of people to the world who would have extremely painful childhoods resulting in them being unstable adults.

Take a page out of The Sumo’s book; think hard about the consequences of your actions before you engage in risky sexually escapades. If you cannot do it for yourself, do it as a service to your unfortunate spawn, which may result as a consequence of two and a half minutes of pleasure and further, if you cannot do it for them, you selfish bastard, do it because it is hard to love an ugly kid.

“… Daddy, Daddy … I want some candy! Daddy! … ”

I rest,
The Sumo
[email protected]

  • Odette

    “The above (a) keeps me disease free and (b) ensures that I cannot bare the unfortunate offspring who would be both aesthetically dismal and nutrient retentive.”

    I should hope you’re not “baring” any offspring. :-)

  • http://letpeoplespeak.amagama.com Lyndall Beddy

    Sumo

    It is only people who consider themselves ugly who care about looks. Attractive people really don’t care. Think about Carlo Ponti and Sophia Loren!

    AND have you heard of plastic surgery?

    But since you are being so open – do us a piece on condoms! I am curious – apparently there are now flavoured and special ones around, which did not exist when I was young – when the world had the pill and was AIDS free anyhow!

    Getting people intested in condoms as fun seems to me the best way to help.

  • Alan in Botswana

    Churchill: You madam, are extremely ugly!

    Madam: And you Sir are extremely drunk!

    Churchill: Yes madam, but the difference is that I shall be sober in the morning!

  • siyabonga ntshingila

    A friend of mine once let me in on the shooting range theory.

    It is,loosely, that as the night begins, a man is like a sniper, carefully picking out his target and tracking them with great precision and no small amount of focus.

    As the evening wears on and he meets with little success, he reverts to man’s natural R5 wielding scattergun approach, raining a hail on anything that moves and gleefully picking up whatever should fall.

    That said, sjoe! this sex game is laank hectic.

  • Bonny Parker

    Sumo, isn’t this all a bit high brow for such a ‘light’ subject? I mean, you’re talking about a pretty ‘average joe’ thing here… And where does Love feature in all of this?

  • http://letpeoplespeak.amagama.com Lyndall Beddy

    Alan in Botswana

    Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for a million pounds?

    Lady: Sure.

    Churchill: Would you sleep with me for a hundred pounds?

    Lady: What do you think I am – a prostititue?

    Churchill: Madam, we have already established that – now we are negotiating your price.

  • 10G

    Sumo, I see you are not only paranoid of being turned down, based on your looks or should I say size, you even have an option of what you’d rather do than being rejected. That could be a (man’s) purpose of going to a club but you could also go there just to see others putting their foxxy skills at use or just to get drunk, sweaty, (you could loose inches) and come home penniless, with your mates.

  • Ntombizonke Mehlomakulu

    Sumo I couldn’t read the whole article, I just got bored. AIDS is not scary its a diseases its manageable.We cannot just teach children but advice them

  • http://www.thoughtleader.co.za sgubhusenkwishi

    Sumo
    if a man today can opt for castration procedure and lead his life like an oxe without worrying himself with women and sex.
    I assume life can be more easier than it is for the most.
    The only question left will be that of procreation for many!
    I hope we can have enough time to enjoy our meals and drink without even looking at women.

  • http://thoughtleader.co.za/silwane Ndumiso Ngcobo

    Bah!

    Methinks The Sumo does not trust his aesthetically pleasing genes sufficiently to overcome any grimness-carrying genes from a hypothetical minger (to borrow an un-PC term from the pub).

    After all, somebody’s got to do it.

  • Paul

    Lyndall: I believe that second quote is actually attributed to George Bernard Shaw and a West End actress that he had taken to dinner at a fancy restaurant.

    George was a bit of a mommy’s boy who lived at home into his 40s, and a misogynist to boot. Sounds more like his style than Churchill’s (who was probably married at the time).

  • http://letpeoplespeak.amagama.com Lyndall Beddy

    Paul

    Sorry- thought it was Churchill because it was so like the Lady Astor quote.