Warning: the next few paragraphs contain an extremely one-sided and highly indignant view on a contentious issue. No, I haven’t joined the Desperate Alliance or the selective amnesia support group that broke away from the ANC, this isn’t at all about politics. It’s bigger than that nothingness.
In the UK, the noble Birtish Beer and Pub Association is leading calls for the drinking public and government to do more to keep pubs open. Why such hysteria teetotallers ask ?
Well firstly, sod you for spurning the gift of malt, and secondly, the UK is facing a wave of pub closures that has accelerated to a rate of 50 a week. Yes that’s fifty! The same as the number of rands that get you a cold six at an unfortunately located oasis at 2am.
This in the home of the pub nogal. It’s a crisis. This is like Italy turning its back on Catholicism, Jews not making money, Zulus not taking the long route to getting chops on a braai and the DA not being outraged. What is causing this is a convergence of a number of “well-meaning” assaults on the communal imbibing of the amber nectar ; smoking bans, above inflation increases in legislated fleecing aka “sin taxes”, the recession (quick, think of a word that rhymes with “banker”) and the Gestapo approach to traffic enforcement in vogue with Plod Squads all over the world. It’s crazy. What does this have to do with SA? Well you know how we are when it comes to copying ridiculous nonsense from overseas.
As it is we are past masters at using society’s desire for fun times to fund ministerial luxobarges, the anti-smoking brigade seem to be dictating terms in the health ministry and despite what they tell you the recession still has its icy grip on our parched throats. Don’t get me started on Metro cops skulking around brandishing breathalysers like red-hot rectal probes on a flying saucer.
It’s hard out here for a (beer-guzzling) pimp. Now the snail cuddling brigade wants to convince us that devouring meat — as carnivores are wont to — is actually bad for the planet. Why? Because cows fart. No, really. Screw the emissions from the bonfire parties, ocean voyages to stop the Japanese being Japanese and the endless hot air they spew, I’m going to die from anaemia because cow farts are the enemy. And the solution? Stop eating them. Great. So just when in the course of human history did doing what only comes naturally become a danger to the planet? Should we tell the higher powers to take their sodding gift of fire with while they are at it? We can all just wrap ourselves in congealed tofu for warmth hey since we’ll probably end up doing away with electricity too.
How about we do something pro-active and innovative instead and look into the cow farts themselves? Not literally of course, though Al Gore does have the look of an … erm never mind. Drunk driving a burden on society? Organise some decent public transport then. We’ll be on it like a politician on a baby-kissing photo opportunity. Seriously. Consider this — driving home drunk means you’ve paid VAT (and likely import duties) on your car, levies and VAT on petrol, topped it off with sin taxes and VAT on your booze, possibly R100 on the traffic light temptress that you are too nice to leave out in the dark, dangerous cold, and there’s still the unofficial R50 road tax to the uniformed turd stalking the streets at 3am.
We’ll happily save on all that money and use it to fund the leisure industry.
Innovation over restriction I say. After all, we drinkers are the ones with reduced intellectual ability right? So lead the way Gaiya-fiends. Good luck with the anaemia hey. And we need to start now and engage in pro-active measures before the dry tide overwhelms us. Let’s start lobbying and making a noise like the unwashed (the dolphins need the water more you see) do. And no — screaming “chug chug chug!” will not further our cause. We need to get smart about this. Align with similar interest groups. Like smokers for example.
The Orwellian machinations have been coming up against them for decades now and yet the industry still thrives. They must be onto something. I am not a fan of smoking/smokers, but I respect my friends’ right to pop outside every now and then to add some emphysema to his impending cirrhosis. If automobiles can spew ton upon ton of CO2 into the atmosphere while stuck on William Nicol, why can’t people relieve some stress with their money and their lungs? Frankly if you are lurking around drinking-hole pavements at 3am, second-hand smoke should be the least of your concerns. Like unwashed greenies spreading their cooties around.
Drinkers of the world — unite. Happy Hour starts at 6!
Sorry to sound over-sensitive, but if you knew how many Jews in SA are reliant on charity just to eat, you might rethink your remark about Jews always making money.
Well said. GULP
@Dave- It’s ok. I think all South Africans have been oversensitive this year.
Point taken still.
It’s the last Friday of the month, so I decree happy hour starts at noon today. Here’s a poser; my son is 17 years old, has a learners license for both bike and car (cannot get license till 18), is a very competent driver (I taught him), and if I imbibe too much do I let him drive. Remember he has to drive on his own in a car to fetch me and my band of merry souls.
Dude – Paul has hit it on the head. The answer is – have children. They can do all sorts of things like run to the liquor store for you. My six year old drives me to the pub then sleeps in the car till closing time. Perfect!
Just kidding – love the article. We are here for a good time, not a long time!
I suppose it would be too much to hope I’d found a friend…being a smoker. I think we all go to hell in our own handcarts and I bitterly resent being so over-regulated.
The only good points: I now, with clear conscience, refuse point blank to give a cigarette to anyone who asks for one. It may, one day soon, be construed as murder…
…I also live at peace knowing that no friend of mine can any longer expect me to give her children under 12 a lift anywhere. It’s against the law so…let them walk!
I never knew about the essential relationship between the Zulus and braai chops, Italians and their Catholicism or even DA and outrage – I always approach people and movements with an eye to possible internal fracture and diversity. Too liberal perhaps. More importantly, I do not think it is a matter of mere sensitivity (a point that then is simply taken) to wonder at the resilient association of Jews with money. Europe almost burnt itself down on the association, an association that lay just underneath the skin throughout most of Europe’s modern history. Well, it survived the ashes. Was it A.B. Xuma who once responded to a familiar question of his time by saying that yes, some kafirs are lazy – but only some of them?
Excellent ! And, as a Jew, no affront taken.
Great read Siya!
@ MLH…hilarious!!!
Thanks god I’ve got the car, I’m too pi***d to walk.
Nice piece dude.