A Vaalie, a Capetonian and a Zulu were driving along one day in a car …
But wait, before I continue I need to make a quick detour, to explain myself. That’s the price of living in the new South Africa, I guess. I have to make sure that no one is inadvertently “disadvantaged” by this piece. I love the Afrikaans language. Not enough to actually learn to speak it mind you, but as an offhand sort of subject, I find it very fascinating. I’m also not unaware of the fact that this admission is not politically correct. “Hawu, a black guy saying he likes Afrikaans? Clearly he’s an agent of the former oppressive regime!” But thankfully, I’m not in the business of being politically correct. Besides, aren’t we all supposed to be reconciled and rainbow-nationed? Almost every single movie of the new South Africa ends with the massive kasie mama passionately embracing the Boer oom. That’s the South Africa I live in. Mandela’s Mzansi. We passionately stifle each other across the colour line. Back to the story.
I was travelling along with the two Afrikaans ous, making them say funny things in die taal for my amusement. Things went well, till I tried a Victor Matfield impersonation. The Vaalie was livid. “Nee man, you can’t say ‘ek‘ like that! Gautengers don’t say ‘ek‘ like that!” Oh. Askies, man.
As it turns out, there’s a difference between Cape and Gauteng Afrikaans. For one thing, Vaalies (indeed, Gautengers, Vrystaaters and everyone else behind the Boerewors Curtain) do not say “ek” like they’re from Mitchells Plain. Your Blou Boel says “ack”. That was my mistake. I somehow managed to make Victor Matfield sound like Pieter de Villiers. And Vaalies don’t say “ma en pa”. They say “maw en paw”. Or so I was told.
Personally, I prefer Gauteng Afrikaans, if only because of the way certain Capetonians pronounce Paarl. That throaty, gargling “R” sound. Very off-putting.
Then the Capetonian, perhaps feeling a bit left out of things, started telling me these awful Afrikaans jokes. I can’t remember any of them (my brain does that with bad jokes), but I do remember that they all rhymed. All his jokes rhymed. As if that weren’t impressive enough, he wasn’t even speaking vintage Afrikaans. It was a gut-wrenching hodgepodge of broken English and Afrikaans. But still, the sentences rhymed! Determined to find out whether this was a common phenomenon, I emailed the handful of Afrikaners that I know. I got mixed responses, but here are some of the better examples of what I call Afrikaans rhyming slang.
“Hoe linker hoe flinker, hoe regter hoe slegter” was probably favoured by your Boer granny. Apparently this little tongue twister was what you said when your hand twitched or your eye flickered. A left-hand twitch meant that you’d be losing some ront and a right-hand flicker meant you’d be gaining some. I’m sure you’ve also heard of a “bietjie wyn vir die pyn”. Want to serenade your loved one? Try “My heart is in pyn, want jy is so fyn!”
Like I said, I like the Afrikaans language. Maybe it’s because I really enjoy pap en wors. Or the sound of Wikus van der Merwe’s accent. Perhaps the reason is that the thought of a Zulu liking Afrikaans will really mess with Eugene Terre’Blanche’s head.
Kif, swaer. The iBhunu’s will be chuffed.
Yes, the iBhunu’s are chuffed. Thanks god for a positive and amusing piece. You da man.
Vintage Charlie….love it.
haha! Yah durbanites are also bad at mauling afrikaans. Such an expressive language. I once said “Goeie More” on the phone to this tannie, who switched straight into english. My pronunciation must be rubbish.
Thanks for the laugh, between the Dirtbin va CT article and this one its nice to laugh at ourselves intead of the usual doom and gloom.
Koos was walking through his veld one day when he spots someone drinking water from a pool.
He shouts, “Moenie die water drink nie, dis vol skaap k*k”.
The other guy says, “I’m from England, mate, speak English!”
Koos replies, “Use both hands, you get more that way”.
Lived 9years in Cape Town and eventually warmed up to the Kombuis Afrikaans (thats why they call it).
Maybe its why i had a hard time with Vaaliekaans.
Nice piece “ma se kind”
The Vaalies say ack spring oor die hack op my back. My paw het ‘n stront huis by die see.
But the Swartlanders use the “r” in that gurgling throatal sound, want baie van hulle brgei.
Great humorous piece that transcends the usual. Great job!
Nice one, very different. Keep em coming.
Quite frankly, I do not think the Genuine Afrikaners born and bred in the Cape, care a hoot about opinions from the Transvaal and Free State. and even Natal- (Natal we can still tolerate to some extent-reasonably civilised))We are the original descendants of the Huguenots etc etc and
we have our own CULTURE/WAY OF SPEAKING AFRIKAANS
OU OWN FOOD.WAY OF LIVING>OUR PEOPLE HERE COME FROM SLAVES,FROM FARMERS WHEREEVER AND WE ARE PROUD OF OUR HERITAGE.!!dIE kAAP IS DIE kAAP EN ONS IS DIE kAAP!!dIT IS HOEKOM JULLE ALMAL kAAP TOE HOL;oNS GAAN NIE NA JULLE HELL HOLE TOE NIE!
Nee wat, hou dit maar alles vir julle self.Hier in die Kaap is on Afrikaans en ons bly lekker ons eet snoek en waterblommetjies en ons kan lekker fees vier met ald ei Banjos en Moppies ens. Hou maar julle Transvaal.Vrystaat en Natal,cregaons soek dit nie.
lekka lekka Sipho! If I really want to impress an “uitlander” I do my bit of Zulu with clicks….impressed awe follows…
Why the hell doesn’t everyone just speak English?
Lekker! Thank you.
Great read, GC!
@Yvonne
Frankly, I’m insulted that you think Natal is a bit civilised. We’ve spent years cultivating an image of savagery and decrepitude, and we don’t appreciate it when people don’t take our efforts seriously!
Yvonne…i think you missed the Ox-wagon
I can’t pronounce things at all – I blame it on the Durban upbringing. I actualy sound more English when I try and break my face trying to enunciate Afrikaans words. And I can’t roll my Rs either so I do sound like a complete prat.
Nice one Charles.
Love it! Fantastic piece which thoroughly entertained me.
entertaining comment. we are all so much less homogenised than even we like to think
Mandrake, no I did not miss the Ox Wagon
AT ALL. yOU SEE WE DID NOT TREK TO tRANSVAAL OR WHEREVER, we also did not farm with cattle so we had no oxen, only cows for milk and meat. We farmed wine and sheep and still do. You can NEVER become a Cape Tonian,or Bolander or Swartlander etc. etc. you have to be born here and your forefathers for at least a couple of generations and then only do you feel at home. Yes, we are very different. Tradition and culture plays a great role in our daily life.We are not snobs at all, we just prefer our own people.
What ever happened to those verkramptes that posted in the RSA Forum,which has been axed and is now a non political forum,boy ou boy did we have fun,the pro apartheid and the civilized ones the anti apartheid ones.So if there are ex RSA Forum ones here,lets have a restart here on this forum,it will be very very intersting when old political enemies can continue to debate,the issues that confront the New Rainbow nation