So, two teenagers had intercourse in a public toilet today. At 3pm. The one in the afternoon.
I had just come from a meeting in Melville when I decided to withdraw some cash at Campus Square. On my way from the ATM I went into the public restrooms next to the Standard Bank. The first person I saw was a girl in school uniform so I immediately recoiled, imagining the shrill screams of “pervert” if I’d wandered into the Jill’s. No, the sign outside confirmed that I was in the right place. So I went back inside. I’ve never quite understood why we have separate restrooms anyway.
That’s when I realised that the girl was with a boy, also in uniform. They were listening to a song on one of those Sony Ericsson Walkman phones and having an animated conversation about it. That’s how I discovered that they were listening to Coldplay. (That’s a band, for the benefit of the over 35s). Within a few seconds, a stall became available and they took it. Both of them. And then they stopped talking. The only sound emanating from inside the stall was the unmistakable rustle of garb-shedding. And Coldplay. I was still waiting outside for a stall.
And then things got out of hand. Let’s just say I shared many a room during my student days. I know the sound of carnal exertions when I hear it. And those two were locked in an illicit scrum. I shifted uneasily. Look, I’m no prude by any stretch of the imagination. My restlessness did not originate from any moral high ground or disgust at what was going on in there. And if you’re thinking “Have today’s kids no morals?” please get off your high horse. Twenty years ago, I hung around the Student Union building of my campus. If there was any truth in the world, many kids from that era would have been christened Middle Stall. Don’t pretend you don’t know exactly what I’m saying.
No, I was worried about more practical issues. What if someone walked in at that moment? I would look like a sick old bastard (SOB) eavesdropping on kids doing the nasty in a restroom. On the other hand, if I did my civic duty and try to talk them out of it, I might come across as a SOB having a conversation with kids bonking inside a bathroom. The parameters that constitute a threesome are a bit fuzzy to me and I wasn’t willing to have them clarified to me in the bathroom at Campus Square.
As luck would have it, a visibly shaken elderly gentleman emerged from one of the other stalls. I rushed past him without making eye contact and locked myself inside the stall. After the elderly gentleman left I was left in there listening to the sounds of Coldplay and the other … thing I was trying to block out. The huffing and puffing finally subsided and the two hormone victims left, cooing and giggling. I heaved a huge sigh of relief. Did I mention that it was 3pm? You know; the one in the afternoon?
I bet someone will start wondering if this sort of things happens regularly at Campus Square. As the old saying goes, one pale male politician does not a Zille-sque cabinet maketh. I can neither confirm nor deny this. Quite frankly, I don’t care. I’ll tell you what worries me, though. My teenaged son. The two kids in that middle stall were not much older than he is. He owns a Sony Eriksson Walkman too. And he often listens to Coldplay on his phone.
Call me paranoid but this worries me. I have written at length about the effect that music has on human behaviour. That’s why you can’t have Holy Mass without “Amazing Grace”. It would just mess up with the collection plate tally. By the same token, not too many gang-bangers plan a drive-by while listening to jazz. But I bet they listen to 50 Cent, though. Oh I’m sorry, Fiddy. So I can’t take a chance here. I ain’t about to become Middle Stall’s grandpa. Coldplay has just made it into the banned list at my house alongside Metallica, Ja Rule and Judy Boucher.
I can guarantee that at least one of my dear readers will judge me for my seemingly blasé attitude towards moral decay. And maybe they’ll be right to blast me. Where I grew up, that nonsense would never have flown with grown-ups. There would have been a hastily-arranged meeting between flesh and sjambok. Those were the pre-Bill of Rights days. I’m told that nowadays my only responsibility is to butt in when someone’s rights are being violated — excluding my right to have a peaceful, fornication-free crap inside a mall.
I’m curious, though. What would you have done?
silwanekanjila@gmail.com
Look, im already worried about my 9 year old daughter, who insist on getting a phone with bluetooth/mxit facilities…
This is indeed worrying, Ndumi. I’ve read in People Mag and YOU that a lt of middle-class kids have sex in malls. Thier parents don’t imagine it could happen and they’re often shoked.
I wonder if they used protection.
You’re right that a lot of parents in privileged communities are generally lax in dealing with their children’s bad behaviour. That is really sad because sex traumatises a child’s body. Surely a high-school child is not ready for that!
I am with you in banning Coldplay. Not because listening to them is likely to ignite teenage lust, but because they’re crap.
I can’t promise that this will stop your eldest from trying to schtup girls in dodgy toilets. Maybe buy / build him a chastity belt?
That’s just a jaw-dropping scene where you absolutely become mute…words unable to come. What if they tell you to eff-off and mind your own effing business?…the teenage boy probably takes out a knife and chase you around, just then, somebody walks in on the little drama and it appears you guys are fighting over the little girl…and then we read about “Ndumiso the pervert in a loo fight over a school girl”
I would of asked to see their ID’s and if they were underage I would have made a citizens arrest. Ja right? Nah I think I would have just started laughing loudly, kids hate being laughed at.
Ask to join in
“I’ve never quite understood why we have separate restrooms anyway”. When I was young I did understand but -with gender equality high on everybody’s agenda- I think it could help if we start at basics. Doing away with separate rest rooms could be one of them.
“After the elderly gentleman left I was left in there listening to the sounds of Coldplay and the other … thing I was trying to block out.”
The most important question: did you enjoy it as any SOB would? or just jealous about missed opportunities?
With world population becoming denser by the day, we will have to share our previously private encounters. Running out of space so to say.
Pervert? no just understandable curiosity, I would say. After all, the space in a toilet cubicle does not leave much room to play around. Hence the Cold play replacing the foreplay.
How ingenious.
I would have pretended that i was a born-again zealot…”Sorry there, do you have a minute? I wanna share a story with you and maybe introduce you to God.”
I can guarantee those hormone-heightened cretins would have vacated that lavatory as if it was a Pig Farmer’s Convention at Mexico City Hall.
Now for that son of yours, borrow his phone for a second or so because yours is flat. Replace his memory card with yours; just load some Ringo, PhuziChemist, Jabu Khanyile and JZ’s Mshimi Remix(the dub version). I can guarantee that his soul will shudder and crack enough for the ColdPlay to have at least one day’s rest…maybe, give it a try. you never know
Ndums, Beeld is running a similar sotry today of such school kids having intercourse in public places. According to the Beeld story, the Pretoria Metro busses provide a perfect “stadium” for this school kids. What would I have done ? In relation to the Beeld sotry, the Tshwane Metro spokesperson says they will handle such cases in future to the police as they are on the increase.
Where are we in time?, where the romans were just before their fall. Moral code, or values we have none – we have failed ourselves, our communities, our country, the world. Even the animals i am sure, despise us human beings. We thrive on dishonesty, greed, lies, lust,selfishness.
We have no honour, no conscience and nothing else of worth left in us.
Force the kids to listen to Juluka. It always put me in a philosophical mood
Glad that despite my best efforts, I don’t have children. I would probably fled in embarrassment. As for your son, be pragmatic. Buy him condoms, make sure he knows how to use them properly – yes, demonstrate – and check he has them on him at all times! And be ready to listen and talk non-judgmentally at any time. Oh, and pray! Thank God it’s not my problem, this is easy advice to GIVE.
How about yelling ” This is the police, we have this building surrounded. Come out slowly with your hands or we will shoot you.”
If the young man still felt the urge after hearing that then NOTHING will stop him.
We were all teenagers once and at that age the hormones do cartwheels and flickflacks. Parents need to instill healthy attitudes about sex and love. The rest is up to them.
My maternal instincts would’ve certainly kicked in and I would’ve spoken to them and asked them to stop (at least for that moment when I was still around)
Modern as we are these days its still not okay to turn a blind eye to mischievous teenage behaviour just because we feel the parties involved will not appreciate our intrusion. Yes they have rights, but right to privacy may and should be infringed if it is in the interest of an individual (our youth especially)
I’d have bashed loudly on the door of the middle stall, preferably with a book or something that made an impressive noise, and then read them the riot act. Throwing water over the stall door might have been a further option…
Then if the guy looked dangerous, run like hell to call security while he’s still getting himself together
What would you have done if it were your own kid in there? He could have been putting his girlfriend in danger, never mind the disrespect to everyone else. It takes a village to raise a child, and all that.
i was gonna shove condoms under their door…i now feel your anxiety, silwane!
In light of this story about a 10 year old impregnated by her 21 year old uncle, I think that perhaps we should be more worried about the sex taking place in the family home than the sex in the middle stall:
http://www.iol.co.za/index.php?set_id=1&click_id=13&art_id=vn20090606160945265C687197
“That is really sad because sex traumatises a child’s body. Surely a high-school child is not ready for that!” From which orifice did Phillipa extract this little piece of wisdom?
Teenagers have been having sex since the species evolved. While it was evolving, in all likelihood. And while pregnancy can traumatise a girl’s body, I am mystified as to how, say a pair of 15 year olds can be physically harmed by common or garden pomping?
i’m with throwing water over the stall, yell at them to get a room!
You people make a cheap joke of it. It is natural but there is a place and a time for everything under the sun. We must always try to act in a civilized and responsible way so we don’t cause embarrassment to other people, because what is normal to some may not be to others. The non-Christian education system of today has left a very big moral void in the lives of the school children.
I am impressed at the “discipline” you demonstrated in that holi-hour. You passed the “fitness-for-fatherhood” test.
What would I have done? I would have ran to the security and informed them that there are kids who are doing drugs in the loo. To puit cherry on top I would have sealed it with a warning that the kids could be violent, you see?
Basically I would have made it someone elses problem. Why? Because my beautiful daughter KNOWS that she would face the prospect of “hangpal” if she tried me like that.
@Sarah: Are you talking from experience perhaps? Am I surprised?
Kuyadabukisa ukuzwa lokhu.. the world is realy becoming a mess..
what i would have done in your situation Ndumiso,is quietely go out of that place and leave the sinners alone.. shame.
I probably would have started singing “Amazing Grace” or maybe left in embarrassment.I guess I won’t know until it happens to me.
Yep, the events of the SRC office in the Student union building and MTB still haunt me!!
Is there a connection between Nonti and Ndumo?
Are you going to be at the Cape Town book fair on Saturday, I would like for you to sign my books?
Fuze you should have restored order there
I will be the last to ever stand on a soap box and shout “moral decay” considering i was once in my early twenties and vividly remember gross sexual acts in the THAT club’s loo.
But really I would have been mortified to say the least.
The problem is…it’s never a good thing to overhear another’s huffing and puffing, young or old!
Haikona Mpintshi!Konakele ezweni.This reminds me, next time u r in Durbs I,ll take u to the BEACHFRONT ,for a beer of course,therafter u can pick up one piece of Durban’s finest…IMVUBU collection.This one’s on me…Hey, keep in touch Bra!Will be launching ASINCWADENI BOOK CLUB soon.
erm..i’m sorry..Phillipa, are you being deadly serious when you write the stuff you’ve just written? Or is this a new level of dead-pan that i haven’t previously encountered?
“surely a high school child is not ready for that!” say what again?
the “GET A ROOM!” advice is usually the best. it’s in their own language, see? (i.e for all you people who last encountered zits when Mandela was on Robben Island -it’s what their peers would do to them, and usually embarasses them to quit it in a hurry)
Well … Um … I think … Er … No, I daren’t comment … How’s that old saying go? … Let him who is without sin throw the first stone … or something like that anyway … ya well no fine – I just can’t … my conscience won’t allow me
Mapholoba, once again you’ve completely outdid yourself! brilliant writing! just one thing, What’s wrong with Metallica???!!
i think your course of action was the best. leave them be. how were YOU to know they weren’t hiding samurai swords under those school blazers?
That you left the scene without doing anything says much about the kind of society we have today.Gone are the days when somebody’s child was your child too. In those days seeing a child doing anything wrong elicited a reaction in a parent which would culminate in a fair warming of one’s behind.Sadly,Silwane, you raise a finger to these little brats you end up in a slammer for abuse ( abuse my foot!).Spare a thought for present day kids who have all the ‘democratic rights’ but have lost their moral compass.What would it profit for a kid to have all rights (minus concomitant responsibilities!) and yet lose his soul and his moral compass? Even if you gave the sinning pair,it would not have addressed the problem. Condoms simply address the symptoms not the underlying problem and by the way the kids have an aversion for them. We need to re-instil African values of self-respect and respect for others. It might seem old-fashioned and outdated but virginity testing works!
Oh man, cat’s among the pigeons now. Virginity testing? Behind warming?
…and these are supposed to be “African values” consistent with respect for others? Hardly. Respect for a start is a universal value not an African one, though it most certainly is an important African value.
But for the life of me I cannot see how violating the bodies or emotions of young girls and boys teaches them anything worth learning. You say virginity testing “works”. In what way, in relation to what? I’d say it “works” to put women in their place as sexual/reproductive assets fully under the control of a male (father, husband, chief, whoever). The testing process robs young girls of dignity and invites them to be blamed for losing their virginity – even though many young women are pressured or bullied into sex, by older men and not just boys their age.
Just think how young women who’ve been sexually abused feel? It’s a replay of the abuse and she has to face humiliation. The so-called testing is totally unreliable scientifically – leading to girls being labelled non-virgins even though they’ve never had sex (and who would believe them if they tried to say that).
I’m with the group who would intervene and remonstrate with the randy young people but if you assaulted either of them, I’m sorry but you have NO right and you deserve to be locked up along with your “African values”.
@Mpho: as connected as Mbeki is to the ANC! LOL! i H think we just happened to spend some time (not together) at SU at some point in our lives!
I’m soooooo not having children! The shocking stats that come out almost weekly about what they get up to, the kinds of dangers they face its enough to make me want to tie my tubes! Everyday as the bilogical clock ticks steadily I become more convinced that I just shouldn’t have them. Whats the point, the nieces and nephews are fine, maybe I’ll adopt…at the age of 15 or so…
What the hell is wrong with Metallica?!
Well, I imagine that you could take note of the school blazers and write an indignant letter to the school.
Alternatively, a particularly vicious, loud, and noxious evacuation may have a similar effect in dousing their amours.
However, like so many things, teaching ones children self-respect, self-love and being entirely open and frank about sex and masturbation begin at home.
Teach your child to love themselves and what sex can and should be, without religious hypocrisy or moral ambiguity clouding your judgement.
An educated, loved child, has a greater chance of making an informed decision than one from whom the facts of life are hidden or otherwise shrouded in secrecy or taboo.
Gicve them condoms.
At least they were in a stall … Reminds me the of the time I witnessed the same thing in some dive off Point Road in the old South Africa. If it’s not in a public loo it will be in a car or even at the movies. Ja, saw that too.
I’m with you on Metallica-only worthwhile song is “Whiskey in the Jar”
CHA NJE UBHALANINI FUTHI MASHIY’AMAHLE…
Please update your column, Ndumiso!
K Fine seng’linde kwanela…ubanjwe yini so I can deal with it…
One thing I’ve learnt about nowadays kids,is that if he/she ain’t yours just let them be.You might just be inviting trouble from some “moked out kidos” for no apparent reason just because you interferred. Seemingly they all want to learn the hard way and you might end up ubheka phezulu njengeNtshebe yakwaMashu for butting in. I would have let them bonk like rabbits in peace,just like you did baba!
How Hectic, I wouldn’t have known what to do, but I guess my older sister instincts would have kicked in. I would have banged that door down, and pulled those two and got their parent’s numbers.
How brave are those two? They clearly took extracurricular activities out of school to a new level..! Very disappointing
I thought Whisky in the jar was a Thin Lizzy song!
As long as they used a condom…
Our world has gone from bad to worse and you ask yourself why!!! Here you are reading a colum writen by a concern parent and an excellent writer if i might add and a character like Benzol on June 5th, 2009 at 2:18 pm goes and comments and you ask you wonder why this world is so sick… Benzol get a life!!!!