A friend of mine sent me a link to a story about a man from Bushbuckridge who attempted suicide in protest over the state’s meddling in his private life.
Ever since a young, sweaty, cross–eyed Afrikaner SAP constable caught up with me on the foyer of the EG Malherbe Library at the then University of Natal in the early 90s, and proceeded to kick the bejesus out of my ribcage while shouting ‘Ek sal jou bliksem jou [naughty word that rhymes with punt],’ I have steered clear of championing causes. My motto in life since then has been, ‘I will only get involved in the struggle if they start threatening beer production’.
And frankly, Tito and Trevor are starting to piss me off just a little. I mean; R40 for six bottles filled with fermented crushed malt juice and some yeast? What the hell are we paying for here? This would make sense if there was like a one gazillionth of an ounce nugget of platinum in there. I’d probably have a kilo by now.
But this story has made me mad and I’m coming out of retirement. Silwane the weak–bellied revolutionary is back. Let’s be clear on the facts of the story:
Witty Malapane, a man from Bushbuckridge (amazing how it’s always some place obscure), frustrated with having his hands being tied by our pinko–liberal, punk–ass laws, broke the windows in his house, popped them into his mouth like peanuts, set his house on fire and tried to commit suicide.
This whole fracas was triggered off when his “daughters told him that they would do as they pleased, and that included going out with men at any time they felt like it, because they have rights.” The dirty little tramps.
I hope Thabo Mbeki is happy.
But seriously; what kind of country are we living in that forces honest men to resort to this type of destructive behaviour? Why can’t a man be able to lay down the law inside the confines of his own freaking house? Every aspect of our lives is governed by rules and we all know that there is a silent ‘or else’ at the end of each rule.
For instance, I’d love to walk on stage while Steve Hofmeyr was busy polluting the atmosphere with his ‘music’ and trash all his equipment to make him stop. But the law says I can’t and if I proceed, there’s an ‘or else’ that will culminate in my front teeth being knocked out with a brick for ease–of–forced–fellatio at C–max. Why can’t a man do the same in his own house? Is it really unreasonable for a man to insist on chastity for his own daughters until they can afford to get their own houses and make their own rules?
Okay, I’ll admit that our Witty over there seems a little ‘thick as thick does’ to paraphrase Forrest Gump. He must have been sipping on some potent witblitz when he made these decisions (and let’s not lose sight of the fact that we have Tito and Trevor to thank for that one; what with the price of a beer quart these days). But let me see if I’m getting this one right;
My horny little harlots are irritating me. That short little man at the Union Buildings says I can’t mete out some traditional foot–up–the–rump justice. So I break my own windows, snack on the glass fragments and torch my own house?
Witty is clearly a little witless — probably from silica–deficiency, which explains his dietary habits. And you must admit; the bit where the reporter, Riot Hlatshwayo (clearly born circa 1976 with that name) describes how “when it became too hot, he jumped out of a window’ displays the type of spinelessness that is part of the rot in our society. People just don’t have the cojones to stick to their guns anymore. If you promise to burn for a cause, stick to your convictions goddamnit. But let’s not judge the victim here.
Riot the reporter goes on to describe how the “police have opened a case of malicious damage to property against Malapane.’ Whose property? What the hell is going on here? You mean to tell me I cannot sommer smash up my own things? I dare anybody to come arrest me now. [Picks up his beer bottle, hoists it high up, realizes there’s still a little bit left, drinks all of it and then smashes it to smithereens on his own floor.]. I double dare the cops to come for me, those yellow–bellied bastards scared of the idiots running amok in Alexandra killing innocent people. It’s much easier arresting innocent people trying to instil moral values on their kids.
It’s enough to make a man smash his own windows and eat glass. Which brings me to my point. The young lion of EG Malherbe Library roars again. I have decided to make a stand against this injustice. This brave man from Bushbuckridge needs our help. I have a sneaky plan that even that Machiavellian man on the hill won’t see it coming.
On the 14th of June, Witty appears in the Bushbuckridge magistrate’s court on these ridiculous charges of breaking his windows and consuming his own glass. Please join me as we protest outside the court with our ‘Free Witty’ placards and threaten to smash window panes on the floor and eat the fragments. I have successfully managed to organise a sponsor: Glasfit. I approached PG Glass but they said they only have that shatterproof rubbish. We can’t have that.
This is the kind of thing that’s forced me to vote ACDP in the next elections. The Rev. Meshoe was the only one with the vision to see where this was going and he made a gallant stand against this amoral constitution. On the 14th of June let’s all go to Bushbuckridge and show them that we are gatvol and that we are not afraid.
We few! We happy few! We band of glass bandits! Who will bleed with me on the 14th?
silwanekanjila@gmail.com
Sorry I will be busy on the 14th of June.
Eish, Ndums. Man, that was funny. I think I must subscribe to the Sowetan!!! I keep looking at the calendar; surely this is April Fool’s story. Poor Witty Malapane. Free Witty indeed!! Heeeeeeeheee.
I bet the poor fellow’s not feeling so witty after that little snack… Oh, and far from being an “obscure place”, Bushbuckridge has been in the limelight several times in the past. Let’s see:
1. There was the Battle of Bushbuckridge when the provincial boundaries were drawn. Bush (as we who know it well call it) rejected the notion of being lumped with the bucolic people of Ramathodi (Limpopo), arguing they were culturally closer to that centre of cool, hipness and moral rectitude called Mpumalanga.
2. Then, more recently, there was the EXECUTIVE mayor of Bush, who felt his position as first citizen was under threat from some political upstart. He hired men to kill his rival. (After all, he felt he wasn’t ready to give up his perks, such as the car fitted with a blue light with which he regularly forced the donkey carts of the local populace off the roads of Bush.) When the foul deed was done, he decided to allow himself a 100% discount off the agreed fee. Naturally the henchmen were not so chuffed, so he snuffed one out. The other henchman went to the coppers and the mayor was arrested. ‘Strue, I was there last month when the coppers bundled him into a police car, hands cuffed behind his back.
So no, Bush does not owe its prominence solely to Witty and his band of wanton harlots..
Considering that i’ll be recovering from a moerste hangover, i think it would be irresponsible for me to drive from Port Elizabeth to Bushbuckridge. And my little Fiesta doesns’t have GPS so i have no hope of finding that place anyway.
i promise to smash the first beer i consume(empty) and pretend to be eating the shards while reaching for the next cold one.
Viva Silwane Viva!
Erm, I’m gonna have to do a bunk on that one, due to a pesky allergy to glass. When I eat glass I swell up painfully and bleed from every orifice, annoying, and not a pretty sight.
Seriously though, Witty should be checked out for Bipolar or some similar disorder, that knd of behaviour is unlikely to be just random nuttiness.
hahaha, I LOVE the way you write!!
More power to your beer arm.
Good luck with the campaign… I’m too far away to join you on the day.
May I get some supporters from abroad ???
Ah man this is a great read. wish i,ll be there with you come the 14th guess its true “the law is a bitch”
Fuze, please count me in. But as long as you promise that, after chewing on those shards of glass, we will wash them down with a couple of litres of the amber, fermented liquid that comes in green bottles?
Hey, why don’t you invite Michael Trapido to the event (in his quality as a criminal attorney)??? Usually the guy has a couple of good ideas. Maybe he would confirm it on that…
Silwane ..you are great..i like your style !!!
Nice one.
By the way, Mbeki turns 66 on 14 June. It would be a good way to celebrate his birthday.
Forward to June 16 (minus 2) Forward!
Three sets of shrinks are needed here:
The first set, to treat the obviously sick Witty; the second set to treat the nutty cops who arrested Witty instead of sending him for mental observation; and the third set to treat all those who will be protesting on June 14.
Seriously though, that was a poignant story told in jest. You write very well, Fuze. Don’t drink too much beer. We are addicted to the Silwane Files and if anything happens to you, we will bliksem you.
Wish I could be there to join you on the 14th! Haven’t laughed as hard as I just did for ages, your blogs are hysterical – keep them coming, I always look for a new blog from you. You have a huge fan in New York!
All the best!
Lol!! Oh, maaan! The nerve of the police! How dare they go around arresting people because they display self destructive behaviour and, when crunch time came – chickened out?? They should leave the poor man to his demise… it’s enough humiliation as it is – portraying yourself as a dim-witted character like that. But then again, if they let him be, they would be enablers and more people would torch their houses and eat glass when frustrated. Now, if I were to join you on your protest – i’d be an enabler too
Jösses!
I’m out of touch.
You mean that you get 6 beers for R40? Over here I pay SEK 52 for one beer and the Swedish Krona is stronger than the Rand.
This stuff also taste like it’s the residue left over from Polar Bears mating.
Count your blessings.
A pity Witty had a bitty of a fitty.
Ndumiso
So very funny – AND so very sad.
When I was starting a family – I prayed that I would get two of the same sex. I did NOT want a girl and a boy. I could only afford two – and I wanted them to be friends. I got two girls – so much easier than two boys.
So much easier to be a woman – with choices. They can be stay at home mothers or they can be career women. Men have no choices – they have to have stiff upper lips and soldier on. I feel so sorry for our very, very marginalised men.
Good stuff – clearly Witty was pretty cut up about the whole thing BUT he did miss out on being the 2008 Darwin award winner by not staying the course.
btw Carly B does have a serious bipolar point though.
oh blah blah blah . . . just give me the address where you get 6 bottles for R40 we are paying R52 for 6 – Yup! R8.50 each – please take up the cause for us
jose, you’re not going to get any support from a broad in this one.
gerrie, bet your beers aren’t 750ml either.
ndums, I’m going to make sure I’m busy that day. I once went to Bush to open a shop next door to the KFC that had pap n wors on its menu, so I’m cured.
Sorry, china.
Would have joined you but I remember one evening as a student during one of my protests, I smashed a glass jug (from my coffee maker) in my residence room which I paid almost R30 000 for a year’s stay. My residence warden was obviously not impressed with my behaviour the next morning I noticed a note sleeped under my door, the note red “come and see me today at 15:00″ Mr…House warden.
On arrival i was welcome with a R50.00 rand fine or 50 hours of community service on Saturday mornings. I couldn’t imagine myself waking up early in the morning on a saturday after downing a couple the night before as well as sleeping at an unusual hours of the morning thanks to djing. I opted for the fine.
So I do relate to you and good luck for the 14th, I’ll probably be tired after the “million man march” trip (from Grahamstown to Pretoria).
All the best, I’ll be downing liquids with you
i am already bleeding, chuckling myself senseless at firstly the way you have articulated the story and at our man witty for being witfull, wittless.
but june 14th is far off and i am sure by then they will other worthy causes to play troy to, that dont involve chewing glass. But with you on that, you will need to write an update on this after june 14th – will hold you to that.
Okay Sili I’m with you. See you in Cape Town on the 14th. You will identify me by my plack hard. My House My Fire. Doos!
p.s as luck would have it apparently his daughters have now moved out.
Ndumi
What happened to Witty on the 14th….you have to finish the story.
Nice One.