So, did anyone else see the story of the Mpumalanga hitchhiker who was gang-raped by three women? Rape is a very serious matter — a gangrene that is eating away at the fabric of our society. There is nothing even remotely funny about it.
Still, it is not too often that I read a story that makes my coffee spurt out of my nose. People are always telling me how funny they think my pieces are. And then they always say stupid things like: “Your friends and family are lucky to have someone in their midst every day who is so funny.” I always get a good chuckle out of that one because everybody who knows me personally will confirm that I’m anything but funny in “real” life. I don’t think fast enough to have the kind of timing necessary to be funny. But the worst thing about always having to think up funny things to write is that it erodes one’s enjoyment of jokes. That pretty much makes me a humourless zombie. So I have to find humour in strange places such as church, the DA and Orlando Pirates websites.
This is my way of leading up to the fact that I found humour in a tragic story about a guy who was raped by three women. I’m quite ashamed about it, actually. Still, I’m not too convinced that Given Mahlalela, the journalist who wrote the article, did so with a straight face. (By the way, “Mahlalela” means “one who doesn’t have a job and spends his day loafing about”. Really.) There are subtle hints that suggest that The Loafer’s coffee was streaming out of his own nostrils as he wrote that article. This sentence is a dead giveaway:
“The victim claims he was ‘raped’ for the whole night inside the car.”
I find Mahlalela’s choice of words and use of quotation marks around the word “raped” quite revealing. That sentence screams “coffee spurting out of nostrils” to me. I hope the man has a good lawyer who can take Mahlalela and the Sowetan on for casting aspersions on the veracity of the story about his ordeal, although I have to say that I was also a little sceptical and even checked the date to see if it wasn’t April 1. Allow me to explain my Doubting Thomas ways.
A man would not ordinarily go to the police station to complain that he had had sex. Yeah, yeah — I know this was apparently not consensual. I’m coming to that. But I think that there are only three plausible explanations for why this particular man broke this rule:
1. The women were extraordinarily grim. (Not likely since men will sleep with a woman of any level of grimness as long as nobody finds out.)
2. One of the women spanked his butt when she was done with him. Don’t you just hate that?
3. The man went to the police station to brag about his experience.
I personally think that the most likely reason this guy went to the police was not to complain but to brag. Women, stop shaking your heads incredulously — guys, stop nodding vigorously. We’ve all heard this rubbish about men having sexual thoughts every six seconds, right? I call it rubbish because men do not have sexual thoughts every six seconds — it’s every second. You might be thinking: “That’s impossible, men do think about their jobs, cars and beer now and then.” If you did have that retarded thought, hit the back of you head with an open palm and say: “Stupid!” You clearly do not appreciate the concept of a process:
1. Men get jobs so that they can afford to take women on dates and to pay rent just in case the date is successful.
2. The same reason goes with cars. How else is he going to transport her to the date? Duh!
3. Men drink beer because beer improves their confidence and give them delusions of great sexual prowess. Beer is very useful during a date.
You’re most welcome.
And no, I’m no exception. From about age 13, when I first got a visit from an old woman in my dreams and puberty struck, the only thought I have ever had is: “Get poontang. Get poontang. Get poontang,” about, oh, 1 440 times a day. If you’re thinking: “A-ha! What about the eight hours or so that you’re sleeping?”, perform that palm-to-back-of-head trick I taught you up there. You obviously have no idea what men dream about at night. That’s why they have those holes in the front of men’s pyjamas. Also, why do you think men piss everywhere else except in the bowl in the morning?
Every morning my wife spends at least 10 minutes describing her dreams to me. Each time she asks me what I dreamt about, I grunt something inaudible and feign a sneezing attack.
And when a man gets some, the pleasure is not complete without the Sniff My Finger routine. That’s right; when a man scores, he is genetically duty-bound tell someone. It’s the genes, the hormones or a combination of both. We’ve all heard the story of the man shipwrecked off the coast of on an island with Cindy Crawford/Halle Berry/Beyoncé (depending on what’s your pleasure), surely? The one about how, after being stranded with the guy for weeks, Beyoncé (I guess we now all know which way I swing) finally decides to give it up to the guy.
A few weeks of blissful paradise later, she notices that the guy seems a tad unhappy and asks if there’s anything she can do to make him happy again. The story goes on to describe how the guy makes her wear his masculine clothes, paints a moustache on her and asks her to walk around the perimeter of the island while he walks in the opposite direction. And then, when they meet halfway around the island, the man sticks out his hand at “him” and says: “Hi, I’m Ndumiso. You will not believe who I’m humping.”
So you have to consider the fact that our hero victim possibly went to the police station to brag about his ménage à quatre. You take away the fact that guns were trained on him and you have a standard porn-movie scene. I would have loved to be a fly on the wall of that Mpumalanga charge office.
Victim: “… and then they dropped me off on the Barberton Road after I had finished with all three.”
Investigating officer: “My lips are sealed. If they press charges, this conversation never took place.”
Victim: “You don’t understand. They violated me!”
Investigating officer: “Yeah, yeah. I heard you the first time. Now tell me the whole story from the beginning again and don’t leave any detail out this time.”
[Officer leans back in his chair and a loud thumping sound emanates from underneath his desk as the victim retells the story of his ordeal.]
Another dead giveaway that this story is the work of a hopeless braggart is found in this quote in the article: “I was feeling pain in my manhood, but I was forced to continue with their evil work. I will not forget this day in my lifetime.” To me, this line screams: “This was an incredible experience.”
Let me quit while I’m hopelessly behind before I’m lynched for poking fun at a victim of a heinous crime. I look forward to all the comments/emails telling me what an idiot I am for being so heartless.
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61 Responses to “Orgy on the road to Barberton?”
Crazy world this, I just want to know what they used to make him keep ‘it’ up for all three all night, this is Jenna Jameson stuff here man, I’ll have what he’s having!!
Great artile dude…you hit the nail on the head, you’re not funny! BUT…you have a way of telling things that brings the situation to life. And gents, lets be honest here, if you don’t want to get it up, it ain’t going up. So I find it quite difficult to understand how three women raped this guy for the entire night. Seems a little far fetched for my liking - not to say it isn’t every mans dream! Viva the ménage à quatre!
Well written and great fun to read. I was just wondering where exactly I should stand and hold out my thumb to be sure these ladies can find me! (Oh, and they won’t need to point the guns, I’ll manage.)
I would not say you are funny . . . more as in you put humour into sarcasm – which is way better.
Maybe we need an expert on this issue but through history we are taught than rape (not the law definition) is when a man forces his stiff manhood into a vagina without consent. Now I don’t know about a definition of male rape (except anal rape), but how does a woman force an unwilling guy to get erect and then hump him – I could never understand that concept, correct me if I am wrong but if a guy gets erect…isn’t that a sign of a willing participant?
Huh! How on earth do you put a marshmallow in a parking meter - three times??? I don’t believe that having a gun pointed at you is that much of a turn-on. More of a turn-off, actually.
I reckon the bugger’s boasting or lying - maybe both. Perhaps he was caught in the act and needed an explanation to feed his wife.
Gavin "Mahlalela" Foster on February 12th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Man! you’re soo funny.
I read the story… and honestly, i thought to self, i wish those women around my area - i’d intentionally walk alone from the bar nearby. The greatest thing about it is, my girlfriend would support me as a victim - how great!
Gazi, according to the piece they gave him nothing but a peep into the barrel of a gun. And the poor was too scared. Bull! This is typical ghetto journalism that wants us to believe that tokoloshes exist, people have sex with corpses and old ladies fly around in grass brooms. Is Sowetan going the way of Daily Sun?
A part of me is ashamed for laughing the way I did reading the atrticle,but the rest of me is still laughing!!!He surely cannot be serious!If he is, at least he will rest knowing that “our police are tirelessly looking for the suspects” as Constable Nyambi said…
But then what if they were ugly? I will also report them if they were ugly. And i think there is more to this than what the journo wrote.
Lucky him if they were good looking, make that average actually, no need for them to be good looking if it was 3 of them. At least one of them would have done him right. I wonder what the other guys were doing throughout all this.
I find it hard to believe all this. Chances are he had been naughty somewhere, wife sniffed him when he can home, and then he had to come up with this story and was forced by wifey to go and report it.
Yo, Spear-Chugger, in my 18 months on Sowetan we must have run five stories about hapless souls being gang-raped by the horny harpies of uMbogimsomehwhere.
In 32 years in journalism I have never come across stories about white okes getting gang-raped (except by gangs of guys with tats and names like Jorge or Bubba). Why is it always the brothers (according to Sowetan and only Sowetan - and we all know Sowetan has a great tradition of top-flight journos and complete respect for factual accuracy, don’t we?). White okes get their mutton daggers sliced off. White okes have their one-eyed matinee idols pierced. White okes have their pink piglets changed into giant hairy razorbacks. But never gang-raped for a whole night on the road to Barberton by three nympho-nannies.
This is clearly racial discrimination. Well, either that, or it’s really true what they say about you black guys. Beware the Beefy Bayonets of Bobberton!
People are often perplexeed by the improbability of a succesful female-on-male rape when the male is unwilling. When I used to live in Johannesburg, I heard tales from some of my less fortunate comrades about nurses raping male patients by applying makeshift tourniquets to their genitals, and sometimes a piece of thick wire down the urethra just to make sure. I am damn lucky that i never visited any hospital since my birth.
This story can’t possibly be true. A fiction that is not even funny. I think you nailed him, Ndums. This bastard should be jailed for lies against common decency…..I mean Mr Mahlalela that is. He is a true Mahlalela. He probably had been drinking all night and had no story to submit and he jsut so maar made one up.
Very lucky bugger indeed! That was my comment to my friends when I first saw the article. I could do with whatever he had that night to keep my weapon up all night even in serious scary conditions.
Actually its every guy’s dream to get that thing and its mine too, get a four some without any attachments or regrets there after….How did you do it dude? One thing you should know is that you are a living legend in this game….Pass the skill and how you managed to last all three women is a mystery. I cant last with one no matter how much i try but three, that’s stuff of legends like Larry Flynt & Hugh Hefner…..U r a LEGEND BRU.
Ndumiso Mahlangu on February 12th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
Let’s imagine the ‘victim’ is telling the truth.
Let’s say he’s a sex-starved ‘victim’ who could not control his manhood when his dream presented itself without him putting any effort to get it. Let’s say he enjoyed the sex, but was screaming NO. Hey, we do afterall live in a country where if you screw a woman and she so happens to sqeak NO - you’re screwed, literally. She can report you, cause she said NO.
Ndu my drift says the bugger enjoyed it, BUT he probably squeaked NO during the intervals - the YES kinda NO - but it was still NO. The ‘victim’ therefore has a case! “Can’t wait to say NO to some damsel in distress and then go report her …” and so it goes…
Hmmmmm, notice the silence from your female fan base.
You boys are really having fun with this one aren’t you? Feel like you’re back in the boys toilets in primary school? I don’t know, just an observation.
Wow. This is really poor. There’s obviously no understanding of rape, male rape, and the repercussions of rape. And it’s in very poor taste. Simply saying something like “I know I shouldn’t find this funny BUT” doesn’t diminish the effect of what you’re saying.
This is not particularly funny.
And if you wish to stop making jokes about rape and read a variety of child abuse cases, let alone adult rape cases, you might not be so ignorant about who can do what to whom to sexually humiliate someone, regardless of sex/sexuality.
Or are you, Mr Zulu, as ignorant as Zuma, and like to take showers?
Whilst the rest of us are aware of the Female torturer in Arap Moi’s Kenya who used to humiliate male detainees, usually before she stuck pins in their penises and used pliers to crush their testicles; and the witnessed stories of Female Hutu/Tutsis in Rwanda during the Genocide grabbing other females, spreading their legs, then hammering wooden sticks up their vaginas, shortly before slitting their (sometimes pregnant) stomachs and watching them bleed to death?
Do you find that funny, or unbelievable?
Or something to make jokes about based apon your apparent total ignorance of sex/ sexuality and the possibilities and recorded histories of sexualised violence?
Spear-Chugger you got a warped funny mind.I think of sex all the time interupted by work and sometimes the partners yapping.I thought I was alone here.But 3 women at one time - I dont want to work that hard-after all there is my back to consider and in a car too - it must have been a forest of teats and bums and the occasional live snake .keep it coming
My wife is a doctor and she works at a rape center and ARV clinic in Khayelitsha. She has dealt with similar stories in the past. The latest incident was of a man who was gang raped by six women; in this case the ordeal went on for four days in a secret place. Apparently men would mention their unfortunate experience in passing as they came for their regular check-ups, even those who were raped by men.There was a time when most men were raping their female partners and didn’t acknowledge that they were doing so; worst of all the society backed those men. I fear men are doing it again on the issue of male rape, NOT leading the fight. Let’s get real guys!
Try going to a chemist and get some blue pills (Viagra) or similar drugs, give a guy enough of them in his drink mix and viola, he will ‘dance all night’. Does that constitute rape?
They were very very ugly women, I mean deperately ugly. Any girl knows that it takes only a few lagers to get a man in the mood for a moose, so they could have just gone to the local for a cure to their desperation.
Maybe they did, and had no success…..so they must be the type that fell from the top of the ugly tree and hit each branch, and even then with a complete lack of sobriety would have at least been able to score something.
It’s kinda like having the dream when you’re naked at school, all exposed and helpless - I’m not convinced that every guy would like to be in this situation. Really!! It sounds fantastic, but thinking of the opposite side of the spectrum - being accousted by three very large, ugly women in the middle of the night, in a drunk state would not make a hearty bed time story
I agree with Kgomotso and Parker F, this post didn’t leave me with a good feeling. Rape is never a joke, no matter who the victim and what was done. I found most of the comments equally distasteful too. And yes…I do have a sense of humour, but this is not funny, just in poor taste.
“Rape is a very serious matter — a gangrene that is eating away at the fabric of our society. There is nothing even remotely funny about it.”
This was the second sentence of the opening paragraph of the piece. I don’t believe that any of us (Ndumiso included) think that rape is funny. But to compare this incident to the atrocities that took place during the Rwandan geonocide is taking it a bit too far. Some people need to relax and not over analyse the piece. What ever happened to people’s Sense of Homour Quotient? Clearly non-existant judging by some of the responses. There is a Tswana idiom that goes “Leso legolo ke ditshego” for my non-Tswana speaking friends, the english equivalent is “laughter is the best remedy” Just lighten up already!!! If you ask me, i think the guy still cannot believe his luck, I imagine he’s walking around smelling his own fingers!!! I also get the feeling that he’ll be hitchiking at same spot next week!!
Mmmmh,as much as rape is a violation, i wonder, is it possible for him to get a “hard on” as i am told that Men will not have a stiffie if his mind in not “there”!!
The gist of the piece (as with many of the responses) is that male rape (of a man by a woman) is humourous, and probably not even possible. I see nothing funny about violating another person, no matter their gender.
It’s so easy to accuse someone of not having a sense of humour when they don’t agree with you. Generally I love Ndumiso’s writing and there are few things I like better than an irreverent wit. But this time, in my opinion, he didn’t hit the mark.
Maybe you should read up a little about how men can be raped. With attitudes like this I’m not surprised that so few men ever report being violated in any way.
@Odette
Lighten up.
The man-man rape is a serious thing, we all know that. This story involves two things that seem improbable to most guys, first is the idea of three women roaming the streets of Barbeton looking for victims (as raised before, if they are HIV positive this then is much more serious and sinister), secondly is the story of the victim going down on three women throughout the night, most guys can’t even satisfy one woman three is just absurd.
Point of clarification - Peeps, my reference was to the comments posted post Ndumiso’s piece, not about the piece itself, which I found quite funny, actually. It was the degeneration of the comments that was gettin to me. Of course rape is not funny, but this piece is. Don’t take Ndumiso so literally. He’s the king of sarcasm and irony, which was obviously lost to many.
Point taken and I agree with you about many of the responses. But I still stand by my opinion of the piece. I love Ndumiso’s work but this one just didn’t do it for me. Diff’rent strokes for diff’rent folks I guess.
To Odette, Kgomotso, Lebo, Slindile, Unathi, Sibo and all the other women fighting on my blog, I have one thing to say…er,…er,…
Just lost my train of thought. You have no idea how cool it’s going to be telling the okes a catfight broke out on my blog today. Did I just do it again with that sexist remark and reinforced my (scrolling up to Alisdair’s comment) “Mr. Ignorant Zulu” tag?
As for you Llewelyn, I have one word for you; anaconda-envy.
Take a step back from the myopia of machismo and consider the possibilities. He was kidnapped and held at gunpoint. When someone with a gun to your head tells you to do something, that’s called forcing you to do it. If that thing is to have sex, that’s rape. As far as I can tell, the entirety of the almost unremittingly adolescent arguments I’ve seen here focus around the assumed impossibility of this man’s physical ability to have sex with three women in a row. The limits of your thought are not the limits of the world. For the record, I completely agree with Odette. This is murky territory, Ndumiso, and I’m sorry you entered into such a sensitive topic with such a lack of sensitivity and circumspection, contributing nothing more than your personal speculations.
Some of your readers just missed the whole POINT of your story which clearly went clean over their HEADS. Talk about STIFFS - seems some of them cant even spell their names. ALISDAIR?? I’ve put it in capitals so he doesnt feel alone.
Great PIECE NN. Only advice I can give you is never doubt your THOMAS.
Mapholoba: Just like many of your articles, you have done it again, this was an interesting read, and I have gone through all the replies on this issue; however I am a tad bit concerned about some of the writers who seem to have lost their sense of humor. Yes to a certain extent one sympathizes with the victim, but that does not limit our imagination “hence the phrase” Lucky fish as most men fantasize about threesomes and, and, and… it is a free country isn’t it! Everyone is entitled to freedom of expression.
As for the spelling errors Eish I don’t know, I guess we are so intrigued buy the piece and the craftsmanship of Ndumiso’s Articles, that it really does not matter if there are typos (that’s the term) Can’t wait for the cat fight(LOL)
This was not a threesome. This was not something to be envious of. This was not a man out to get poontang. This has no relevance to your relationship with your penis, and your machismo does not hide your insecurity.
Sympathising with the victim “to a certain extent” and then heading off into wrongheaded imagination about threesomes is firstly pathetic, and secondly completely beside the point.
This was rape. And the more you deny it, the more you make tawdry references to the moronic and lowest-common-denominator zeitgeist of tasteless and unsophisticated humour that passes for intelligent discussion of male sexuality (on the “Thought Leader” blog, no less!) the more you insult men, and yourselves.
Lighten up Paddy. No-one is making light of the crime rape. This is called satire, something Irishmen are meant to be quite adept at, not to mention that NN has us all talking about it, which is the first step in acknowledgment.
Do we ban humour in the name of political correctness? The hell we do.
Wow, is that how men really think???? That rape, when it comes to men being the victim(if the criminal is a woman,) is a joke?? Well,let me see. The fellow could have been someone’s husband, boyfriend or father, possibly infected with HIV aids and then pass it on to his significant other, or have his life shortened by his female rapists indecent acts.
Still funny, huh?
Ndumiso, even though I do appreciate your sense of humor, and you hearing or reading about similar stories like this one all the time.. We can never say enough about daily HIV infections that are killing our people every day no matter how they come into contact with this monstrous disease. If this man did not have any condoms, his experience is no laughing matter but a death sentence. If it was really instant gratification on his part with no protection, well he is doomed.. And it is still not a laughing matter. Being narrow minded when it comes to rape is dangerous.
I have heard for some time now that Sebokeng is notorious for women raping men - the men are afraid to walk in the streets there at night. I’ve never believed that 2 wrongs can make a right but it does feel kinda good that the tables are turned somewhere
Nzou. You’ve missed the whole point of NN’s piece. It’s an alternative look at something that is bizaar. He is not belittling it nor making fun of the subject.
If political correctness has it way, satire and humour will be a thing of the past.
Far more tragic than even male rape.
James, thanks a lot for your reply, which is much more thoughtful than the “just get a sense of humour” replies I’ve seen around here. Unlike you, I feel that NN IS belittling it and making fun of it (and not in a clever way). I guess we can agree to disagree on that, because it’s just one blog in the vastness of the intawebz.
I agree that satire is important, but it’s also supposed to be clever and to point to something true and valuable, and I still don’t think NN’s piece does either. But whatever. Time to move on.
I certainly do not think rape is humorous or borders on even being described as satire. It is a violent act and it is not the sexual act that forms part of the rape but the violent act of forcing another to do an act they do not want to do. I read an article once of a man gang raped in a park by OTHER MEN, and in all the time he was being raped he had a hard on. So the fact that this “lucky” man can have maintained his manhood to allow the violators to rape him is an honest concept.
Which humourous narratives are acceptable or not often points to the underlying prejudices of the narrators. Rape is not funny. And a hard-on should not be equated with consent. And the no, however faint, means no and not a yes by any linguistic definition.
NN, your piece was articulate as usual but risked offence, and offend it did!
Just by the way, how much of the humour is actually scorn at the poor guy for actually saying, just this one, maybe, he just was not “up” to it, and perhaps exposing, men are not the insatiable Adonis’ tradition paints them?
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Once upon a time, Ndumiso Ngcobo used to be an intelligent, relevant man with a respectable (read: boring-as-crap) job which funded his extensive beer habit.
One day he woke up and discovered that he had lost his mind, quit his well-paying job, penned a collection of hallucinations. A bunch of racist white guys published the collection just to make him look more ridiculous and called it 'Some of my best friends are white'. (Two Dogs, ISBN 978-1-92013-718-2).
Nowadays he spends his days wandering the earth like Kwai Chang Caine, munching locusts, mumbling to himself like John the Baptist and searching for the meaning of life at the bottom of beer mugs.
The racist publishers have reared their ugly heads again and dangled money in his face to pen yet another collection of hallucinations entitled 'Is It Coz 'm Black'.
He will take cash, major credit cards and will perform a strip tease for contributions to his beer fund.
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Crazy world this, I just want to know what they used to make him keep ‘it’ up for all three all night, this is Jenna Jameson stuff here man, I’ll have what he’s having!!
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