Charlene Smith wrote an honest, truthful and soul-baring piece on the lot of the 21st-century writer. But more than anything else, it was really intelligent, well thought out, credible and well researched with references to literary icons such as Margaret Atwood. I had never heard of her until yesterday. God bless Wikipedia.
It was a sickening display of reality. I had to take a moment to let the waves of nausea pass over my body before I was moved enough to pen a response to her. This is significant because I hadn’t written anything in a week. This is how it went;
Dear Charlene,
I have just finished your excellent, self-effacing, albeit misguided piece on the fallacy of fame and the writer. I do not believe that it should go unchallenged. As a recent entrant to the world of writing, I’m a bit alarmed at some of the unintended consequences of your well-meaning article.
Soon after reading your piece, a depressed, tearful Sumo called me from eThekwini to ask me if any of it was true. There was a certain panic in his voice as he told me he’d been so shaken by the morbid picture you’d painted of the lot of the writer that he had abandoned a steak he was having to give me a ring. This is pretty serious — The Sumo just doesn’t abandon food willy-nilly. OK, allow me to explain this Sumo angle.
I have known that mountain of humanity for a while. Yes, The Sumo — please try to keep up, Charlene. When I started writing Some of My Best Friends Are White, I used to send him some of the pieces to ask what he thought. The reason I trust his opinion is because I love his writing and we share a similar sense of humour. (I may or may not even have plagiarised some of his lines in my book, but that would be a matter for our courts to decide in the future should the sodding bastard ever take me on.)
But I digress. The Sumo didn’t really believe that there was a publishing house with low enough standards to publish my profane hallucinations. The rest is history. Such a publishing house did exist (sorry, Tim). A few weeks after the release of the book I was invited to contribute to Thought Leader. Spurned on, in part, by the Idiot Factor (“If that idiot can get published …”), The Sumo tentatively expressed an interest in writing for Thought Leader. Because I believed in his talent so much, I moved swiftly to get him onboard, using cryptic emails to Vinny Maher.
It wasn’t that straightforward. I had to do some convincing before The Sumo went ahead with the whole thing. I told him to picture the life we’d have when we became famous, acclaimed authors. I painted a vivid picture of life in the fast lane with awards, accolades, being interviewed by the delicious Azania Ndoro on the Metro FM book show and smoke-filled cigar lounges in the company of Tito Mboweni. But what finally convinced him was the promise of sex on tap. “Women LUUUV clever guys and who’s smarter than writers, huh?!” I shrieked in a high-pitched, girly voice.
That’s what finally did it. You see, there is no greater motivator for males than moola and poontang. And you know I’m right too. Nothing motivates men more than sex. Or the promise of sex. I reckon it’s an evolutionary instinct embedded in our genetic code to ensure the survival of the species. This is why the planet is bursting at the seams and there are six billion of us farting and sending the carbon-dioxide/global-warming index through the roof.
I bet you that every male contributor on Thought Leader shares the same Solitary Species Repopulator (SSR) fantasy that I have. You know; being the sole male survivor after WWIII and having to … er, keep the species going, so to say. I bet you that’s what drives Trapido to write at such a frenetic pace — he’s positioning himself for that SSR role should George W accidentally sit on the “Nuke Iran” red button on his Oval Office desk, inadvertently starting WWIII. If you think it wouldn’t happen, you obviously have not been acquainted with the power of Stupid. I must confess that this whole SSR situation has an irresistible appeal to it. Imagine Germany populated by short, podgy little coloured kids with potbellies and matchstick legs. Imagine saying these words to Heidi Klum: “Jeez, wait for your turn like everybody else, goddamnit. Now where was I? Oh, yes; come in, Beyoncé.”
And Charlene, everything was going according to plan until your downer piece. It was only a matter of time before someone offered the tub of lard a writing deal. Dudette, you need to stop it. Seriously. Writing is not all that bad. Allow me to break it down to you.
Me: Oh dear, I think it’s about to rain.
Over-attentive individual: Really? How do you know?
Me: I’ve just had a few drops land on me.
OAI: Man, that’s deep. I want you to father all my future offspring.
That, Charlene, is the flip side of the coin that young writers such as The Sumo and Khadija Sharife need to hear as well. We need as many young writers as we can. Describing ourselves as duck paté is just not on. I hope I’ve made myself clear.
You’re most welcome.
Yours in ink
The future SSR
As clear as a sperm donation, Ndum! With your virility, the bank would need a 44 gallon drum. Where do you store it all?
1: Wonderful turn of phrase: “Spurned on, in part, by the Idiot Factor”. Splendid irony, young man, easily ranks up there with the “cattle of fish”.
2: What happens to us writers when we do the Will Smith 15 years after a sports conversion? Fat lot of good shooting blanks’ll do humanity. Besides my bonny one-eye matinee idol has been unemployed for so many years not even all three teams from CSI could find it.
& lastly, try to remember the maxim that inside every feature-length blog is a brief just itching to get out. Mark Twain sends telegram to publisher on sales of book: “?”. Publisher replies: “!” Say n’more.
KYSSYG
precioussssssssssssssssss
Go Ndum! Go Ndum!
I guess all this puts clarity as to why i fantasize about a ‘literary ménage a trois’ and FYI, this fantasy was conceived the day i fell in love with your satirical and witty writing and also when i discovered that you are friends with Fred Khumalo.
Alas, I’m so reluctant to write, let alone draft a piece proclaiming my findings that ‘Some of the finest (and my favourite) authors are Zulu’. I still want to work for the government.
Go Ndum! Go Ndum! Oh and hey, I got friends (wink wink)
Ok I can’t leave this alone – Llewellyn and Ndumiso, before you carry on wallowing in your greatness as writers, you should probably understand that “spurned” means “rejected”.
You probably meant “spurred” – which I suppose in this context means “riden like a race horse” – something Ndumiso would no doubt enjoy a lot more.
need to sue my father, that Bantu education “i wanna be a doctor” nonsense ended me up with a obsolete IT diploma and a boring desk-job. now i need a cheap hypnotist to extract my writer’s ambition from the nether regions of my malt-infested grey matter.
Thanks Silwane…there is yet hope for this here brother…
In a word “BILLIANT” oops, I mean “BRILLIANT”
Ndumiso, you never heard of Margaret Atwood until YESTERDAY????
I am shocked, shocked to the core.
PS I also wrote a book, two books in fact, and nobody wants my opinion on anything. No fair!
Llewellyn – I’m in the process development trade. 44 gallons of manhood = 4g of spray-dried virility.
Zamo – “…ménage a trois’…”? With Fred Khumalo? Dear, that’s no ménage a trois’ – that’s two of the wrong type.
Craig – it’s called wordplay. Like ice-creamonous.
Dr. Britten – that’s because you peddle in insults my dear girl. People want inciteful comment (did ya see that Craig?).
Hi Ndum (hope I can call you that)
I am a young black guy from the Sebokeng and was introduced to you while watching Noleen on Three talk. I have since read your book (it was hard to get a copy) and subscribed to thought leader. many of the the young people in my generation get lost trying to chase the Rand on weekdays and partying on weekends that we don’t even engage in meaningful discussions at all. we spend most of our free time looking at nude girls on the Pc and sending each other jokes, this is not all bad but there is no growth after it all. I guess what I am trying to say is that if more young black people were exposed to your thought provoking articles there would be an extra photon to our bright future.
keep writing
We kneel in awe ….
Yeah I get it Ndumi – it just makes no sense in the article. Inciteful does. We the reading public demand consistency!
If it gets you your Ally McBeal-ish dream of existing in the wake of a dozen Ndumi Girls whose sole task in life is to blow your trumpet however, wordplay away.
Jeez Ndumiso… i’ve never laughed like this!
I think, however, you must be very careful with the thought that male contributors in here share the same SSR with you. You might just find yourself in the hands of Somizi – if ya know wam’ sayin! I don’t fancy a spear-chugger giving in to that (somizi’s fiddling hands)- that’s if President JiGGA is to be referenced here!
“Charlene or Ndumiso, whose word shall I take as mine?…” (The Sumo thinks to himself between bites of his double decker triple cheese, bacon, ham and polony afternoon snack sandwich.)
I must say though that I like the whole cheerleaders shouting my name thing, that’s dope, but also the “I’m so deep I make the Big Hole look like a ditch thing from Charlene…” is also quite heart-warming.
I guess I’ll have to wait and see where this whole thing takes me.
In a word Outtie – dope!
I rest
The Sumo
Hilarious! I loved it. Keep writing and I’m sure each blog will take you one step closer to your dream.
Give me a N! Give me a D! Give me a U! Give me a M!
Ndum! Ndum! Ndum!
haha what a pleasant article to read, Ndumi I dont think you ever have to worry about being a starving writer… not when you clearly have style and talent in the sumo-loads;)
Gosh, mordantly classic and poetical astray? Please, pray!
What beats me is that you not big on talking but you can write. Keep up the good work.
Are you friends with Fred or what?
Can’t wait for your next piece.
Sipho – I have made this point before; expecting writers to be eloquent speakers is like expecting that Os du Randt is an excellent figure-skater on the basis of his scrumming prowess.
You have a valid point there. I will assume that Fred not big on talking as well because I never had the priviledge of meeting him in person.
Damn, you’re good! You had me rolling in the aisles with SSR – Klum vignette.
Ddum,
Your ego is in seeryaaas northward trajectory (together with your 100kg spear and seed it seems)- in inverse proportion to Charleens desperation to stay modest, petite and bunlike. Is this a race thing? Or is it the creative imperative? No super-ego… no muse juice?! Ask Rian Malan, who now plays in a local lang arm volksie boere Orkes
I write here from a Muizemberg backstreet backpacker cyber cafe – where the broadband is as narrow as the streets and the coffee is brak. I’m pulling my cap down and sporting super dark sunnies – hunching my “Hulk” shoulders to hide my blond surfer looks and Eugene Terreblanche piercing blue eyes. Cheeky locals try and hawk all manner of useless baubles and parking spots. They hurl vernacular Kaapse klop insults at those not paying in Euros or dollars . The False Bay Nigerian “Xhosa nostra” eye me as a possible drug squad nark or at least good for my 1999 Nokia brick cell phone and empty wallet. Maybe I could throw the Nokia WMD at them, as a G.Bush style pre-emtive strike. They would probably laugh and call me a provincial
Not sure if I can make it out of here as the traffic is gridlocked beyond belief and Eugenes horse would make a great getaway transport.
Ek verlang om op my ou KZN stoep te wees. One can only eat so much pap snoek and gold encrusted crayfish in one lifetime and pocket money is te skars to mention.
Riaan has promised me attitude lessons – never make eye contact – only greet those who might make me famous – rudely ignore all others. Charleen you are too nice!
Mapholoba, you don’t know how cool it is when I have to say: “You know, this young man Ndumiso, when we were killing that bottle of whisky at my house the other day said….” just cool. Brilliant piece once again. Looking forward to that menage a trois… or it might turn out to be a menage a duo! Is there something like that, for those who understand these things?
Gr8t
ndumiso
if you were not a writer, you would have made it to the ‘groupies hall of fame/shame!!!
like a newcomer in hollywood, bollywood or goliwood – yours is a condition called being ‘starry-eyed’. you’ll get used to it.
i enjoyed your polokwane commentary, wicked!
WOW! Let’s hope we can elect you for prez in 2009 already. However I know for sure there’s at least one male thought leader who don’t have that particular fantasy – I don’t recall his name tho’.
What a read?
This is one article that I believe has to reach and inspire as many people as possible. It doesn’t matter how one looks at it, there aren’t many ways that you can mock it ’cause Ndumi’s opinion matters more now than before, right?
Dirt off your shoulders Ndumi, you have truly levelled the playing field. When one does something and presents in the most creative/non creative manner as possible, their status catapults to levels of proprtions unheard of… well how high can it (the status) go.
Funny article indeed. So what’s you opinion on… anything?
Dear Ndumiso,
I am so sorry I have only read your piece now, what can I say life gets in the way of us finding some of it’s great aspects – of which your piece is one. You are most certainly a gifted writer, welcome to the club.
I’ll share my crumbs with you any time.
with affection,
Charlene Smith