“When I am king you will be first against the wall,” intones Thom Yorke of Radiohead in Paranoid Android.
Well, when I’m president and queen of the universe as well as boss of everyone, I will propose that the following people be put up against a wall and shot at dawn for egregious, inconsiderate and otherwise intolerable behaviour.
Most of you probably have a list of your own. This is mine:
1. Motorists who chuck cigarette butts out of their cars. And smokers who chuck their butts wherever to they feel like it. This is my pet hate of all pet hates. Why do smokers regard the world as their personal ashtray? Why is this level of incontinence regarded as socially acceptable? I’ve attended dinner parties where the smokers happily chucked their butts off the balcony into a neighbour’s garden below. I’ve stood on the top of a mountain beside a road passable only by 4x4s and watched a travel companion chuck his cigarette onto the ground without giving a shit. People who do this must be eliminated from society.
Ditto for:
2. Motorists who don’t indicate to turn left at traffic circles. Off with their heads.
3. Motorists who travel with kids not strapped in. There are no words, except for ones ruder than those that appear in this post.
4. People who congregate in front of escalators and lifts in order to have a fat chat, blocking access for everyone else.
5. People who heat up fish in microwaves in open plan offices.
6. Dead Sea cosmetics sales people in malls. I run screaming whenever I see one approaching me.
7. People who hoik up phlegm in public. And people who dig vigorously in their ears with their little fingers. And sniffers. Heaven spare me from the sniffers.
8. People who use the words “totes” and “amazeballs” in proximity to one another, especially on Twitter. Remember this: “complete” is a word often found in proximity to “wanker”.
9. Loud, annoying laughers who sound like mating jackass penguins. And people who pronounce “year” as “yer” and “right” as “raat”. No mercy for them.
10. Drunks who want to strike up conversations when you’re sober.
11. Mouth kissers, the worst of the awkward huggers.
12. And finally, though this list is by no means exhaustive, people who use my name repeatedly, as if they’re trying to sell me a used car. I know my own name. I’m not confused as to whether you’re speaking to me or someone else. If I sense you’re trying to soft-soap me, I hate you immediately and for all eternity without the possibility of redemption.
No clemency, no commuted sentences or extenuating circumstances for any of them. As Thom Yorke sings, “The dust and the screaming (Come on rain down)/ The yuppies networking (On me)/ The panic, the vomit (From a great height)/God loves his children, yeah”. Or something like that.
Good grief Sarah! What crawled up your leg, Sarah? Sarah, do you feel better now? Hm, Sarah?
A perfect start to a very long list. Long live butt-kickers of butt-flickers!
Yes! Yes! All of them yes! But especially people who stand in doorways etc, and dead sea minerals malljackers. No! You can NOT ask me something!
The idiot who fills up his/ her 2 litre water jug at work first thing in the morning from the cold water dispenser leaving all other colleagues to drink warm tap water for hours afterwards.
Agree add to that right lane hoggers. And then the people in the EC snort snot as if it is a genetic fault and was born that way. Stand in a bank que or shop and this dying snort roars up behind you, and it is men and woman snorting snot.
Whew Sarah, make sure you leave out someone otherwise you are going to be somewhat lonely. I believe in mercy killing; me last.
You started off so well Sarah
Motorists who chuck cigarette butts out of their cars – Agreed, its littering, its against the law.
Motorists who don’t indicate to turn left at traffic circles – Again its against the law.
Motorists who travel with kids not strapped in – Indeed, its dangerous and breaks the law.
But then people with accents, people who want to chat, people trying to earn a living, and heaven forbid people laughing? Whats next people who drive outdated cars? Or people who don’t drive sponsored Range Rovers?
How about intolerant people? Ready? Aim! Fire!
You seem to have a jolly modest list for someone who aspires to be “president, queen and boss” of all things called everyone… You’ve been reading Alice again, haven’t you? Could we add whoever orchestrated yesterday’s unprecedented post-liberation massacre in the North west province?
If I were Ruler of all you’d be damned lucky to get any proposals from me – I’d just go ahead and have it done, and my list would be way more serious than yours Sarah. I’d go for the criminals that have run the world to the detriment of so many poor and powerless people. If it were possible to get through that frightfully long list I’d move on to the motorists who insist on using their phones without a hands-free kit. The poor who genuinely can’t afford a kit will just have their car crushed in front of them, but the vast majority will remain in their car for the crushing. Then we could move on to the plethora of other motorist related inconsiderations and by then the population should be sufficiently reduced for a relaxing of the autocracy and perhaps even a ‘return’ to democracy…
This sounds like only the begining of a long list………!
To solve all your problems quickly, you could consider to remove yourself from this planet. Poor soul. Maybe Mars might become an option soon
That’s fighting talk, Ndumiso. Love it!
I despise the people who chuck burning stubs of cigarettes in traffic the most…and and those who do not get tired of telling one thy’ve grown fat…every single time they see one.
@Sarah
Re your # 2: Far worse than the ‘lefties’ are those who do not indicate they are turning right and are highly incensed when you proceed assuming that they will drive straight on
Especially # 12 is my bete noir.
Example. Xolani Gwala is interviewing one of our smarmy legislators or on radio with obviously a mountain of s**t to hide. The answers are inevitably peppered with ‘you know, Xolani’, ‘you see Xolani”, ‘you should understand Xolani’
To quote you: ‘(it is) as if they’re trying to sell me a (very used and decrepit) car. I sense (they’re) trying to soft-soap me, I hate (them) immediately and for all eternity without the possibility of redemption’.
And that applies to just about every one of them
At a shopping center last week, saw a man in a wheelchair at the back of the queue for the elevator. Stupid lazy sods in front of him could not walk 10 meters to the escalator. Almost told them to stop breathing my oxygen.
@Bait Verhagen#
Ditto: Double penalty for those who ‘smarmed’ their way through this morning’s Xolani show,
esp’ the minister who denied that a massacre was anything other than a “labour dispute” Off with his head. [Reminded me of the classic indifferent response to the murder of Steve Biko by Pietie someone or other who should be dead and forgotten. "It leaves me cold" he said... ]
Oh Dear! The world and people are as they are. You can either focus the majority of your psychic energy on the things that upset you or you can focus it on the good things. I try to do the latter as there is no gain in the first.
Roundabouts rely on courtesy and an understanding of the Highway Code (I don’t remember the SA term for it). I’ve always thought that South Africa isn’t a particularly good place to build them. It would be interesting to see the comparative accident stats on SA roundabouts.
Almost perfect list of niggly aggravators for immediate culling, however please may I beg clemency for the Dead Sea people, they are pretty persistent its true, however their redeeming factor being, that goop and stuff they sell is pretty damn good, I hunt them down in the malls in Aussieland to get my personal fix and girly prezzies.
Of motorists there are many who should face summary execution for the benefit of humanity….like the guy behind in the queue at an intersection who squeezes past on the left and charges into the intersection, cutting off those in front on the opposite side wanting to turn and who are legitimately first.
Or the ‘motorist’ at the back of the queue stuck behind a slow moving vehicle, who jumps out and accelerates like hell, cutting everyone else off the instant the gap becomes available.
People who try and do a flipin u-turn on a freaking freeway – r u effing NUTS!!