So there’s this book, 50 Shades of Grey, which is the fastest selling paperback of all time, faster even than Harry Potter. It’s a huge meme which is now all over the interwebs as 50 Sheds of Grey (my favourite), 50 Cents of Grey, 50 stuffed up grey lampshades, etc.
50 Shades of Grey started life as Twilight fan fiction, which should tell you all you need to know. I haven’t read any of the Harry Potter or Twilight books so chances are I won’t read this one either, but apparently it’s the story of a student called Anastasia Steele and a young mogul called Christian Grey (swop those two names around and you have pretty much most men in Western society for the past thousand years, maybe more) and a whole lot of BDSM. At first I thought they meant BDFM, and anyone who has read a Financial Mail cover story on nationalisation or the state of the jobs market will know what torturous pleasure that can be, but apparently this is the kind that literally involves whips and chains and manly thrusting.
This book has been dubbed “Mummy Porn” because it has been snapped up by middle-aged women married to boring accountants and even more boring actuaries. Apparently this is the type of thing they fantasise about:
“Christian follows with two sharp thrusts, and he freezes, pouring himself into me as he finds his release.”
You can find more here.
Clearly, there is something wrong with me, because I don’t fantasise about belts or thrusts or seven types of sin in one glance. I do have bed-related fantasies, of course, everybody does, but they revolve more around Rapid Eye Movement than anything more strenuous.
These are the things I do fantasise about:
1. Sleep. I have dirty thoughts about sleep every night. I know I have deadlines, I know I shouldn’t want it, but knowing I can’t makes it so much more … alluring.
2. Naps. There is nothing more decadent and sinful than an afternoon nap. Nothing.
3. Not walking around feeling like an extra from the set of Zombieland. This fantasy is closely linked to the Sleep fantasy, for fairly obvious reasons.
4. Green robots all the way from Main Road along William Nicol to Jan Smuts.
5. Curling up with a good book, one other than 50 Shades of Grey, prior to drifting off to 8 hours of quality oblivion.
6. Watching a movie. Pretty much the same as the book situation. The last movie I saw was Shame, and even if it featured Michael Fassbender’s schlong in the first 5 minutes, the other 94 were painful, and not in a kinky 50 shades way either. I’m hoping Ice Age 3 will erase the memory, if I ever get around to seeing it.
7. Carbs. Now that I know that Tim Noakes has said nyet to carbs, I want them more than ever. The menus at Italian restaurants are home to more verboten material than the collected works of the Marquis de Sade.
8. Rooibos tea and a rusk. Strongly suspect this is related to the Tim Noakes thing. I’m very into hot-cross-bun flavoured Ouma rusks right now. (Reassuringly, they are halaal.)
9. The feeling of moral superiority after having been to the gym. Actually going to the gym is painful and boring. But the knowledge that you have been to the gym is profoundly satisfying. In that respect, it’s a lot like writing: I hate writing, but I love having written, as Dorothy Parker said.
I have considered climbing on the heaving 50 Shades bandwagon with a book about Cape Town hippies called 50 Shades of Fey, but the American comedienne has probably already optioned that title so suspect I am out of luck. Another possibility is a collection of puzzles called 50 shades of grey matter, but as it turns out, somebody has already come up with that pun.
So I’ll stick with 50 Shades se Moer. After all, if my HP Officejet can offer not 50, but 256 shades of grey, then I have all the kinkiness in my life I can cope with.
50 Shades of Gravy – a complete history of South African Governments
Sarah – thank you. I thought I was the only one who was confused about this 50 Shades of Grey thing. I feel slightly more sane now that I know I’m not alone. Thanks!
No doubt there’s already 50 Shades of Gay. The woman who wrote this magnum opus (not Britten S, the old bat who really wrote the book) said that she prefers washing dishes to sex, so expect 50 Shades of Sunlight soon. 50 Bales of Hay (horse porn for the jodhpurs and riding croppers among us) 31 Days in May, 50 Picks of Pay, 50 Cups of Tea (you have to have read Alexander Pope to get this one) 50 Ways To Bray (Donkey porn) 50 Ways to Vry (Bloemfontein porn) 50 ways to shut me up okay I’ll stop.
Same here, don’t feel the least bit inclined to read it..
@wrexoney – brilliant
“………Ouma rusks right now. (Reassuringly, they are halaal.)”
Sheer coincidence and never guranteed by the bakers.
I attended once a meal where a “halaal fanatic” was made to query the halaal status of her food, I have dim views on this requirement. Her response was to spit the content of her mouth all over the table, covering plates, jackets, faces and shirts or dresses.
Since that day and the recent story about the dubious Halaal control mechanisms, my admiration for the consistent halaal food restrictions has faded with most other religeous fanatacisms.
And you say accountants are boring…
I have read all three books and enjoyed them. What I don’t get is why those who have’nt yet read the books slate them so easily.
Reading this sort of thing isn’t quite enough to get my plasma injector fired up. I’d much rather see a real warp core couple with ample nacelles than just reading an engineering manual.
You’ve had me laughing at my desk – quite a feat considering the start of a grey London morning Sarah!
Entertaining article.
Where is the ‘like’ function when you need it! Good one…
Haha, Peter Terry and Sarah B. Nice start to my day : )
Great article… I started reading the book yesterday and I’m completely underwhelmed. At best, you could say that both protagonists are only slightly less dreadful than the Twilight duo.
At least Harry Potter was somewhat original and written with some flair, imagination and attention to a cohesive plot (which was written with kids in mind).
The sooner this collective obsession with vampires, sociopaths and pathetic female characters in books, movies and music ends, the better.
I’ve always believed that if one is truly involved in the moment, one isn’t counting thrusts, but if she really prefers doing the washing up, that explains why she’s such a voyeur. Can so picture her scouring the dog’s food bowl while she mentally ‘creates’. Since I still haven’t bought ‘Long Walk to Freedom’ this one doesn’t have a chance, so don’t save me a copy.
Peter Terry LOL!!
@ Peter Terry: Jilly Cooper cornered the market of 50 bales of hay.
Here’s an equally hilarious review:
http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/340987215
With pictures. Animated ones nogal
I’m relieved that there are a few intelligent women left on this planet who have not sunk into that swamp of drivel. I actually had to leave my bookclub when a group of women I once respected started raving about 50Shades.
Also, so TOTALLY with you on 8 uninterrupted hours of sleep and Ouma hot-cross-bun rusks.
Hahaha….thankyou Sarah….cracked me up…so over this book….and the amount of queries at work about it…luckily my bandwagon book reading stopped with twilight…i thought it could not get any worse….but wait, apparently theyre making a movie out of 50 shades se moer
This article was really entertaining – it made my day!! (And, shockingly, I’m not actually talking about the 50 Shades part.) Loved your carbs and halaal buns references
Haven’t read 50 Shades or Twilight, but I think the problem with both is creating the idea of the perfect man in your mind – obviously no one is ever going to live up to your expectations – so you’re just gearing yourself up for discontent. Having said that, I guess the same can be said for chick flicks (of which I’m an avid watcher.) Sigh.
I was very worried this week when a colleague (22) who got married a year ago (why so young even she can’t explain) bought The Book…