I’m a born and bred Jo’burger, so I take security seriously. This also applies to matters of the heart. When it comes to feeling anything for anyone, I have taken comprehensive measures to prevent anyone from getting to me. There’s the boom and the ADT guard, the four-metre wall, the electric fencing, razor wire, beams, security lighting, burglar bars and panic buttons.
But some bastard always works out how to scale the walls and get through the bars. (Usually because I’m a soft touch and always letting the guard take an evening off.)
Last year was especially bad and I swore I’d never allow it to happen again. But of course it always does. At least last weekend’s encounter was a brief scratch rather than a stab with a stiletto between the ribs but it still hurt and I’m still angry.
I thought this was just me who was so stupid but an exchange with another woman on Twitter led to realise that it happens to others too. “It still baffles my mind how you can be such a big part of someone’s life and then BOOM, you’re nothing to them,” she tweeted. “That freaks me out. Happened to me before and it’s made it very hard for me to trust anyone,” I tweeted back. We bonded over our mutual frustration at how we fall for this every time.
Here’s the thing I will never understand: why some men are all over you one minute and completely lose interest the next. What is it with you lot? Is it the thrill of the chase? The toddler who screams for the toy in the shop and drops it for something else the moment he has it? (“It’s like a fucking sport for them!!!” as the other woman complained.)
You are the ones who barge into our hearts, even briefly, and somehow you’re also the ones who get to decide that we’re not worth the bother after all — so when we become attached enough to care about seeing you again, you’ve already moved on and guess who feels like the shop-soiled reject on offer at 60% off. Thanks for nothing, you shits. It’s not as if I wasn’t flush with the floor boards before you came along to remind me that my feelings count for nothing. “Don’t force your way into my life and then leave,” as my Twitter friend tweeted. “It’s not fair.”
That’s what really grates. That we’re not worth the effort of an explanation. That things like basic courtesy –- like, say, if you very specifically and deliberately invite a woman out to a social do the next day and she never hears from you again despite attempts to make contact, this is technically rather rude -– somehow don’t apply to you.
The upshot of all of this is that every time I heal up and scab over, my carapace grows thicker. I’m calloused and battle-scarred, and chances are I’ll miss the chance to connect with somebody nice because I’ve decided that humanity –- especially that section of humanity in possession of a Y chromosome — is best avoided because I cannot face getting hurt again.
I’m so tempted to tell this latest one what I think of him — that based on available evidence, if he’s under the impression he’s a better person than the mutual acquaintance whose character he slated during our conversation at the dinner party where we met, he’s seriously misinformed — but I know I’ll just look like a bunny boiler if I do. Hey, I’m just another stupid female falling for a forked tongue — something we’ve been doing since the Garden of Eden.
Just please tell me, gentlemen (and I use that term ironically), why do you do this to us? What is the motivation? I’d like to understand, so I can take preventative measures. In the mean time, I think I’m going to have to dig a moat and fill it with crocodiles.
@ Michelle
“…I think men get a worse deal in a relationship with a woman – they have no idea of the extent of manipulation a woman is capable of…”
This is one mature statement I have heard from a woman in a long time… It tells me how how truthful Michelle is about her obeservations; how brave she is not to succumb to the ‘sisterhood’ falacy…
Oh dear, such a litany of pain and bitterness and distrust in these comments.
Not much inclined to add to it all, so I’ll just say, I don’t know, Sarah.
But I do wish your heart a swift recovery and really hope that next time round you’ll not be so painfully disappointed.
Sarah, please learn men’s psychology and you will appreciate why they behave like that, and appreciate that women also contribute towards the awkward behaviour of their opposite sex.
Sarah, I think you’ve been blessed with marvelous comments. That’s why we write in the hopes of encountering thoughtful readers we can learn from.
I loved the honesty of The Praetorian, Catherine Walters and Tirelo.
I think there may be something to Philip’s comment about consumerism, maybe in these days of internet dating and reality shows, relationships have also become commoditised. There’s always another out there…
Peter, Michelle and Just a Bloke also gave comments that interested me.
In the end, at the end of a relationship we can go on and on about what a wanker our erstwhile beloved was, but that doesn’t leave us feeling good, nor does it get us anywhere. It’s an act of delusion. We chose this sorry piece of humanity, we chose to invest time and love with them – if they turned out to be a wanker then it means that there is probably something severely flawed with our assessment of them and us.
Back to the drawing board. And the drawing board is always us – what do we need to change about us and how we manage relationships. It’s been a long time, and I’m still at the drawing board, and not unhappy with the work. This too shall pass. x
’tis He of Apocalyptic Visions with Feeble Outcomes, I’m back. Painting is good therapy for the broken-hearted, Sarah. Paint. No, not with lipstick, with paint. Paint Joburg’s skylines (oh you’ve done that) then when you’ve done the tower, delete it in red with an impulsive, violent slash of the paintbrush (oh you’ve done that too?) and in this act of defiance and exorcism you free yourself of the bonds and shackles of fiefdom thus annointing yourself Princess Sarah, Maiden of Sacred Largesse… kind of like a Joan of Arc, you trump all the evil and dumb thoughts, words and deeds of ordinary men and enter into a league of self-enlightenment where it’s just You versus You. This is also known as the Ninth Circle of Hell; place of rest for the wicked and the damned, but it’s okay. Here, have a sip of some Jeyes Fluid carbolic acid – good for the soul…
Thank you for being so open and vulnerable.
Guard your heart young lady.
Don’t give away your powerful captivating tool too easily. Men should be strong but are weak. Remember, when Eve ate the fruit, Adam was standing right there but he did nothing. It was, I believe, his job to protect her…and he failed. But forgiveness is important. Forgive others and yourself.
Perhaps refer any interested guy who wants to date you , to your Dad, you, know, to get permission…and approval from him.
Allow time for your soul to heal…listen to Michael Bolton.
Then when you are ready…Love like you have never been hurt…and give yourself completely to your husband.
Oh yes, speaking of husband. Try meeting guys at church. (But still be weary, there are wolves amongst the sheep) Wait until you are married before intimacy…you will have a greater chance of your marriage succeeding. And ask God for a husband. be specific. List the qualities. My wife did, and she got me!! i still frustrate her, but that’s Gods problem, not mine. I agree with Phillip Cole above, the West is now too “clever” for God and this is sending society down a slippery slope of moral decay…I’m afraid there will be less gentlemen out there than previously thought…true, woman don’t help by being attracted to the “bad boys”.
Keep the faith, young lady!
Regards,
A Gentleman
Have you ever considered that you are drawn to lousy men? I’m a babyboomer and have been with my man for (ahem) over 30 years. And for the record we’re both atheists.
I often think women get exactly what they think they deserve.
Be an Amazon.
Why do we do this? Because we’re immature (well, the ones you seem attracted to).
I’m at the stage of my life where I see my wife as more than a bed-fellow and suckling machine to my children. We’re a couple of swells. Chums. Confidants and lovers. But it took some years of training to get me ‘caught up to speed’ with things. And the lessons (including having my nose occasionally rubbed in it) coupled with maturity and contentment have made me a better man. Far better. And my wife’s divorcee friends notice it too. And they are trouble.
Women and men do seem to make the same mistake over and over again – a woman will marry a drunk or abuser the second time as well as the first, and a man will marry a flirt again and again. Sometimes these are rolemodels from parents or childhood.
Sarah, I cannot help but feel that you are manipulating us. You are clearly an intelligen person with an excellent grasp of English- you must know that your person ‘stuff’ is not for public consumption. Why would you choose to do so unless you know it will resonate with many hurt people? Using that pain to generate a response does not seem to be very nice. I will take your question at face value though and respond with my tuppence:
* there is an infantile, narcissistic culture growing that asks ‘what’s init 4 me?’
* wisdom and prudence are required. Choose properly, be careful. Remember that crocodiles need a permit and are not loyal either
* chastity. keep it for marriage. we all know this in our hearts but want to pluck the flower before it blooms.
There you go, I took the bait. Kind regards.
Sarah, you didn’t participate and comment.
Don’t be blue about the romantic notion of love. Think back on the most loving things of your life. Didn’t they involve giving? Visit some older folks and give them a hug and a cheer. You’ll be amazed at how good you will feel.
How you feel will then radiate and others will be drawn to your positive, giving and loving spirit
A question to Dale, above, by above, I mean above my comment, not above as in Heaven, because being Atheists, you don’t believe in Heaven.
Why then, if you are atheist, did you get married? Unless, you were not atheist when you got married…
I find Atheists who lead moral lives, do so because they follow Biblical principles without giving glory to God. You could just as well choose to live immoral lives as your world view actually says we are just animals and survival of the fittest prevails, and so you are under no compulsion to “do good”. You could equally choose to “do bad”, and it will not matter, as Atheism has no room for individual purpose in its philosophy, nor a foundation for right and wrong.
Regards,
Ryan
(Former Atheist)
Oh Sarah
Perhaps one day you will learn that men do everything for only one reason and thats to impress you so as to get into your pants nothing less and hopefully more
Simple aint it
Anyway, Sarah, you do the same thing. Remember in January cutting dead someone who was trying to help you? Without any attempt to discuss reasons first.
Let those without sin cast the first stone.
Sarah;
Clearly you’ve got a lot of support here–undoubtedly that is a function of your willingness to be open and public about you feelings, your vulnerabilities. And that is the conundrum that you face–the very thing that makes you vulnerable to men (your openness) is also that which is able to generate so much sympathy and support for you, as evidenced here.
I suppose that i am trying to say to you “Be careful what you wish for”. Should you actually be successful in making yourself impervious to emotional attachment (thicker carapace and all of that), then you will also make yourself less attractive as a person. Cynicism, when it really defines a persons personality, simply is not very attractive–you will not only have fewer broken hearts, but fewer friends.
The downside to vulnerability is that you get hurt. The upside is that you will find friends, and, eventually, love. The secret to happiness is not to avoid love and attachment (which require risk and vulnerability), but to figure out how to become more resilient instead. Bounce back faster.
Oh, and if you have never watched “Kissing Jessica Stein”, do so, at least for the first 10 minutes. Your dating life will seem infinitely better with perspective and some humor.
Sarah, I dug a moat around my cave and filled it with crocodiles because I felt the same way about humans, women in particular, as you seem to feel about men. I have lived like that for four years. It’s getting lonely. The only way out, I think, is to trust that I am wrong about my assumptions of humans and women in particular. I hope I’m not right.
I was sadly in Angola in the 1980s as a paratrooper in the SADF. If has cost me, my sons and my familiy dearly. I also happen to have been at school with Dr Robert Smit’s children, shortly after he was murdered. I have lost contact with them and have been wondering why they have never, to the best of my my knowledge, spoken out and pursued the truth concerning their parents brutal murder?
You have some interesting comments here – and please ignore the ones that tell you to grow up! These types of questions are just as relevant as the political ones …
When I was single and these kinds of things happened, I would get quite angry at myself for dwelling on it and being upset. Rationally you know the best way to deal with it is to move on and not take it personally, but instead you keep turning things over in your head, wondering “why”? But even if he were open to explaining his behaviour, you probably still wouldn’t really understand his motivations. And if he were to “officially” break off contact, would you want him to be completely honest about why?
Actually I think the ones who “disappear” suddenly are preferable to the ones who keep you hanging on while not treating you very well, leaving you feeling crap about yourself but still hoping that the relationship will last… until you finally muster the courage to break it off.
Yes, I’ve been through the mill! (and I agree that dating in your mid-30s is so much less fun than in your 20s)
It’s the same old reason – men are born hunters – if we are not hunting, we get restless and we need the thrill of the chase…..that’s all there is to it….but unlike many wild animals, we can be tamed and domesticated…
Hey Sarah, where are you?
Almost two weeks since your last blog!
Birds of a feather flock together.
c’est la vie – it is good to get stung sometimes.
There is a different Breed of men and they differ in many ways maybe ladies need to study this and target the appropriate breed.