This weekend I ended up in the emergency room thanks to a contact lens. The simplest way to explain why is to declare upfront that I am an export grade idiot. Simply put, contact lenses and I are not a good combination. Over the years, I’ve had some eye-watering experiences with these slippery little pieces of plastic.
The other day, for instance, I accidentally poured my last set of contact lenses down the sink, forcing me to switch to glasses. Then, lo and behold, I discovered a pair I’d forgotten about. So I’d abandoned them in the first place because I’d accidentally put antibacterial handwash (don’t ask, it’s a long story) in the lens cases, but I thought I’d give them a try anyway.
This is why I now have a painfully swollen left eye. The left lens, as it turned out, was completely saturated with the handwash, and while it wasn’t so painful at the time, after I removed the damn thing I knew all about it. I was in agony for the rest of the day, nose streaming from the tears leaking into my sinuses, and woke up the next morning with my eye half closed, looking like a drunk.
As the day wore on, it got worse. Imagine someone squirting lemon juice into your conjunctiva at regular intervals and you’ll have an idea of what it felt like. Sluicing my eye out with saline solution didn’t help. It got so bad that I started weeping and pacing, which is why, after Sunday lunch (we discussed ET and he-who-shall-not-be-named) I ended up at Sunninghill Hospital.
I’d insisted wearing contacts in the first place because I wanted to make a good impression on my lunch companion. Didn’t want to look all nerdy, with the glasses and all. And then I refused to remove it on the suggestion of said lunch companion because I didn’t want to walk half blind … which, of course, is exactly what I did for the next 24 hours.
This was not my first contact lens disaster by any means. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve lost lenses at the back of my eye. This happens when the lens slips behind your eyeball; while sometimes it’s possible to retrieve it by rubbing your eye, most of the time all you can do is wait.
Occasionally up to several days.
Then there are the times I’ve scratched my cornea trying to remove a lens. The times I’ve tried to remove lenses I wasn’t even wearing (you’d think I’d notice that the world was somewhat more chiaroscuro than usual, but the force of habit is a powerful one, especially when one is as switched off as I am). Last year, I lost a pair during a trip to Mpumalanga, when I stored them in a glass because I’d forgotten my contact lens case. My mother drank them in the middle of the night.
Eventually some nice, but not especially impressive young doctor put a yellow substance in my eye which numbed the pain … but only temporarily. Eventually, in desperation, my mother took me to a pharmacy where I picked up Voltaren drops, not the kind you use on your back, the kind you put in your eyes (there is a difference). So I can see well enough to drive, which is something. As an aside, everything in this blog entry besides this paragraph was typed on an iPhone. When you’re squinting through one barely functional eye, poking at a virtual keyboard is easier than scrabbling myopically across the keys.
I think I might use the iPhone for future blog entries — say for the next time I demonstrate a direct causal relationship between a contact lens and the emergency room. As my mother says when she shakes her head: “Only you, Sarah. Only you.”
Brilliant, I completely relate – especially the trying to remove lenses I am not wearing and scratching my cornea as a result.
Thanks for sharing – this was hilarious! I am a fellow contact-lens wearer and have tried to take out lenses that aren’t there and lost a scrunchie already. I’ve even put both lenses in the same eye once! Although I always been too paranoid to use contacts soaked in anything other than solution…even water is a no-go for me. You’ve reinforced this paranoia …which can only be a good thing.
Okay, this was really funny. I have the hard lenses and I have a plunger that I use to remove it. Once I plungered my eyeball instead of the lens! My optometrist sister then told me about people that did that and ripped out some vital eye bits. Needless to say, I only wear glasses now!
What a wonderful laugh to end the day and you do have my sympathy. My eyes totally hated contacts, so I’m back to glasses. Now only have long distance one, so look blurrly at people when not wearing them!
I was taught, as all good Zulus are, that it is not good to laugh at another person’s misfortunes.
But this was jolly funny. Hope that eye’s fine now.
I handle my lenses with no problem except the one time that I went on a all-nighter and fell asleep drunk (very drunk) without removing them. I woke up much later that day and my eyes were fused shut. After much trouble, I got my eyes open and lenses out, but a day later I was afflicted with severe conjunctivitus and was practically blind with very narrow tunnel vision.
So my mates took me to a bar a day or so later and I was apparently staring insolently at a brawny fellow without knowing. I remember hearing someone saying “What are you looking at”, but I did not register that he was referring to me. I woke up with a black eye. This guy punched me off my barstool into my open eye. I did not see it coming.
Very careful with contact lenses now.
I haven’t laughed that much in ages. Thanks for the comic relief. My mom wears contacts and she fortunately has not accomplished any of the above yet.
Nice and refreshing. Better than juju. Hope you keep your promise about the boy!
Hahahaha! I bet your mom keeps her glasses of water far away from you now! I’ve been thinking about getting contacts – maybe I should stick with the spectacles.
I see, I see, I get the picture – lol
A friend put on her glasses on the morning after a night out…and eureka! her sight had miraculously improved and then remembering she didn’t take out her lenses!!
I stopped using those things due to some of those disasters. One evening I went to a party in Joburg all the way from Pretoria of which I was suppose to sleep over and I had forgotten my contact lens case back home. You guys know that you can’t spend the whole night wearing those things let alone sleeping while still wearing them and I’ve been drinking mind you. I didn’t wanna throw them away nor store them in any other place. I wouldn’t drive back home for a thing as small as that. I didn’t even plea with anyone about my situation. So when the party got over and people went sleep, I was forced to stay up with my sore,red and dry eyes while poep dronk for the rest of the night til 5am. I had to wake the guys I came with up right away so we could go back home to Pretoria.
My son wears them, day and night, for weeks at a time and I nag obsessively about how bad that is for his eyes. He’s dying for a laser op and I tell him it’s the first thing he saves for once he’s qualified and working. The medical aid doesn’t cover (in real terms) glasses and contacts, so he opts for the contacts and uses really old glasses in emergencies. Problem is, he’s a bit old now for the Hary Potter look…and they perch on his nose in such a way that he has to squint inwards to see through the lenses.
But seeing him even spread a slice of bread without an occular accessory is screamingly funny. He lies the slice of bread flat on one hand, half-an-inch from his nose and smears the marg towards him, usually ending up with marg all over his glasses. Make me realise how blessed I am to be far-sighted.
May God spare my vision! And yours too, Sarah Britten.
And here I was worried that I probably am the only contact lens user that has had a lens play “hide and seek” on the eye ball for 5 weeks!!! I found solace in your article, thank you.
Oh, this is so funny!! I am printing a copy to show my husband as he has had to help me on countless occasions to FIND a lens which I pushed into the corner of my eye, under the lid – folded into four I might add – all because I was trying to remove my eye make-up and forgot I had my lenses in!! AND he keeps on asking me how this would be possible? Also scratched my cornea and have the scars to prove it! Let’s start a contact lens support group – judging by all the comments – it would be a hillarious session every time!
You are this stupid, and visibly impaired? And yet you are still driving? Please tell me your registration number, so that I can drive up the first side street should I encounter you!
Bob, to whom was your comment directed to?
Fantastic, I can relate…..this is a brilliant piece I must say