And I’m perturbed, mainly because unfriending anyone online is a big deal. It really is. Facebook, you see, has changed the nature of friendship quite profoundly for those who have entered that apparently innocuous blue and white portal, garlanded with cheery suggestions of “You haven’t talked to her lately” and such anodyne prompts as “What’s on your mind?”.
There be dragons.
Facebook has forced us to formalise our connections with others, so that they are listed, categorised, and relentlessly, constantly updated. It’s a form of Benedict Anderson’s imagined community, constantly, simultaneously lived and living in real time. There is no casual cutting of ties, no allowing acquaintances to drift gently into the past. Instead, they are always there, their exploits and their photos, their all too often vapid self-regard and their Farmville herds constantly evolving before your eyes.
So when friendships end in the real world, they must end on Facebook too. Purging one’s friend list of people one has never met or would have trouble distinguishing from a bar of Protex Herbal is not the issue. But when you unfriend people you’ve actually met, the online realm takes on a new and awful significance. In the past, I’ve unfriended a couple of people with whom I’ve had disagreements or other awkward entanglements in the bricks and mortar world. They were deeply hurt, and I was forced to relent. They considered the unfriending a provocative gesture, and I had to make amends.
Because of all of this, it feels strange to be on the receiving end of an unfriending, especially as I thought I got on quite well with the individual in question. Granted, when we did meet it was a disaster, but hardly — I thought — enough to unfriend me.
Unfriending, in the context, is drastic. There’s no going back on an unfriending: it’s tantamount to a declaration of cold war. No matter that it is unlikely that we’ll never meet again, the fact of it will remain concrete and immovable, a marker of how it is not possible to be liked by half of the people one meets even a fraction of the time and that, for all our best intentions, a lot of the time our interaction with other human beings is an unmitigated cock-up.
Thus the virtual world complicates our lives even as it expands our horizons. As a result of the first unfriending, I had what one might describe as an exchange with another friend introduced to me by the first; consequently, I unfriended this person too, and more than that, adjusted my privacy settings so that they cannot find me. That’s not just unfriending: that’s a statement of intent never to have anything to do with that individual ever again. In the absence of personal contact, it’s the closest gesture we have to the middle finger.
So we use these digital proxies to express anger and betrayal, to declare our frustration that what we imagine is real connection with other souls must end, so often, in a crater and a plume of smoke. And there’s the rub in all of this: no matter how virtual our friendships become, the hurt they cause is still so very real.
So glad it’s not just me that does the ‘curl up and die with mortification’ thing when online friends aren’t.
Part of the challenge we face with social media is the lack of the visual and body language cues we understand. And critically there’s a lack of variation in the communication options. It’s only unfriend. In direct interactions there are far more shades of grey. A turned back; joining another group at the coffee shop. What that allows is the gradual re-assimilation to friendship.
But when the action has been the absolute cut-off, how does the subtle dance of re-connection happen?
On August 4th, 2009 you did a post that you deleted your profile on facebook completely. What gives?
I have a FB but usually only go on it if I’ve recieved an hotmail email that a message/photos have been posted to my FB account,or if I want to post messages/photos myself.. that there are grown adults who genuinely fret over facebook relations astounds me,I think if you limit your usage and are not the kind to constantly have your FB page loaded for optimum stalking and obsessing,then that limits how much ‘hurt’ ‘virtual friendships’ cause.
Also,if you don’t want to get unfriended,don’t add people you don’t know/like.I can have a huge bust up with my friends in real life,but we’d never think to ‘defriend’ each other,in my experience girl friends of mine usually tend to unfriend people, mainly guys who they didnt know in the first place and whose awkward flirting/messages have got too wierd/annoying.
A real friend wouldn’t unfriend you as what are we five?,and neither would friendly aquaintences as when do you even talk to them enough/know them that well to cause enough offence for them to care to unfriend you?
Please tell me how to unfriend and ban forever – I’ve got loads of people I said ‘yes’ to in the heady days of just starting my account, but being a luddite I’ve failed to mete out the punishments that will soon be heading their way!
When I was kid, I had an imaginary friend. Now I am on Facebook, I have 300 imaginary friends.
I don’t belong! Never did and now never would. I cannot believe that seemingly intelligent adults behave this way…for God’s sake get out into the real world and grow up a bit!
I unfriend people all the time. Most because I hate having my bandwidth wasted by stupid stuff like personal messages to the boyfriend, Wife / husband.
What is wrong with a telephoine call? Why must the world know you are going to be late or you are sorry for XYZ? The worst are those describing the best screw last evening or how pissed they got.
I am sorry but these are not friends they are braindead who really should start working for a living or earning what they are paid.
Something similar happened to me one and I just cancekked my account. I did not regularly update any way. Funny thing is, I was on my way to facebook before I came here.
That is because ‘online’ is real. Before the internet, did you blame the phone when someone ended a friendship during a call?
I thought you gave up on Facebook a while back?
Sarah, I “unfriended” only one person on FaceBook because their politically fundamentalist views were so unacceptable to me.
I have a simple rule. If I haven’t interacted with you, whether virtually or physically, then I unfriend you. Plain and simple. I have little online drama as a consequence…
@VinceR: I eventually reactivated my profile after a couple of months because it was too impractical to maintain my networks without being on FB. I did delete most of my photos and personal information though.
It’s possible to reactivate any account that has been deactivated, so there’s always that option. But I think that if I ever do venture onto Facebook again, I will reduce my presence there dramatically. I’ll be the author of a book I want to promote, a contact for people who know me personally and who want to stay in touch, perhaps a potential business associate, though I am not sure it makes sense to mix one’s business and personal life. – Sarah Britten 04/08/09
Uhm Sarah, seems you’re getting too personal with Facebook again…maybe it’s time for some cold turkey again!!
Good grief!! This reminds me of primary school and the fights over who was whose best friend. What comes to mind is the question I used to ask my children when they came running to me to tell me what someone did…. “Well what did you do to deserve it?”
@Hugh Robinson: the facebook updates you receive are clearly more interesting than the ones I do.
http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com is a great resource for those interested in entertaining FB updates.
(I know it is a generalisation but) The vast majority of people who claim to be “above” Facebook can’t use it properly and are too comfortable in their luddite nest to do anything about it. You don’t have to unfriend someone because their statuses are irritating. Hide them.
Unfriending someone is 1) cowardly 2) a big deal and 3) pathetic. You should only unfriend someone who has wronged you entirely and you should make it abundantly clear you are doing so. It should just be a formality, a consequence of a fight. Don’t unfriend someone and not tell them you have or why you have. Facebook doesn’t let you know if you have been unfriended.
I have been unfriended before, not by anyone of great consequence. In a fervid status debate she announced that she would not be voting in our National Elections, so I called her names, and so did all my politically aware friends. It was funny and I only realised 2 months later that her self-loathing status updates were not polluting my feed. She re-added me. I laughed and accepted and immediately hid her updates.
Sarah, the distinction you make is exactly right – removing a “friend” you’ve never actually met (or met once at a party) hardly counts as an event. I do regular culls of any online acquaintances.
But when the relationship is real, there is something very callous, cruel and final about ending it on facebook. I haven’t been able to do it with ex boyfriends even when the break-up was raw and awful. But then you face the opposite problem of being constantly updated on the life of someone who upsets you. A catch22 for the modern world
Yep – technology has succeeded in commoditising relationships. Facebook etc, dating sites – it’s seriously completely dehumanizing. I refuse to be part of this. You will never catch me on them. I am only interested in REAL relationsips with REAL people, that can only be ‘unfriended’ in person.
My kid brother unfriended me.
That hurt me a great deal. We were so close growing up, and even in his teenage years he was someone I turned to for advice and he did the same.
But we drifted apart it seems, but I always thought we had our friendship, and then, he unfriended me.
That bruised my ego so much I actually could not speak to him for 3months.
I asked him why he responded “its not personal, we just aren’t friends, thats all!” how is it not personal?
but he apologised, and im still hurt, i lost my best friend on facebook. My friends say he is up to no good, and doesn’t want you to see it.
Its ok. maybe im not cool enough to be his friend, i am fast approaching 30, and he is in his early 20s.well i sympathize with everyone thats been unfriended.
I have only unfriended mindless stalkers, women who cant keep their clothes on and men who like to plast naked women on their profile, everyone else,is fine by me!
there are some people who I really want to the FB relationship with but am a bit scared to do it as they might be offended! I think I am going to start by deactivating their status updates
So Arelle, how do you “unfriend” someone in person? Arrange a meeting and tell them you never want to see them again?
Unfriending in real life is usually tacit and implicit.
Hi Sarah,
Here is a concept you might like to chew on for a future blog post. I think it is related to this debate too.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eudaimonia
“So we use these digital proxies to express anger and betrayal, to declare our frustration that what we imagine is real connection with other souls must end, so often, in a crater and a plume of smoke.”
“Thus the virtual world complicates our lives even as it expands our horizons.”
Be careful of living in cyber space. The world of ideas is transient, illusionary, illusive. But there is a real world of substance somewhere out there too… although, beware, it is fragile. May you find it.
Sarfeffrikin
@Hugh Robinson: Before the FaceBook era, back in 2000, I got very drunk, entertained a woman who was not my wife (I was married at the time) and drunk-posted to Usenet about how I got laid like a Roman last night.
Good times.
And yeah, if / when it happens again, I’ll be sure to share it on FaceBook and I won’t give a shit who unfriends me.
Unfriending on Facebook is like breaking up over sms but far more cowardly.
Sarah u’re correct, but the worst thing about being unfriended is that u’re being told that u don’t matter in a world that isn’t that important in any case. That’s like a drunk guy telling u that u’re the worst drunk he’s ever seen. Ouch! It must really hurt.
Fortunately, I’ve never had that bad luck. The worst that happens is that we keep each other in the list but don’t talk to each other for months. If ever we miss each other, we just get back to it like nothing ever happened.
Stop the presses! “Unfriend” is the Oxford Dictionary word of the year:
http://mashable.com/2009/11/16/unfriend-word-of-the-year/
I’ve long been fascinated by the Social Media fad. I’ve used and studied it for some time now. IMHO Facebook and other Social Media mechanisms are for the most part, only used by children, the challenged and socially inept.
I find it strange that people actually think Social Media can be used with any measure of success in order to enhance business, social relationships or any other segment of our lives, especially in our country with our unique demographics and a distinct lack of access to technology. In my experience it actually does the reverse and is used as weapon against an offending brand or as a tool to further sour interpersonal relationships.
The only benefit I see is that a handful of “experts” are milking a few consulting dollars out of the ignorant.
It’s all a hyped-up crock that is just going to fade away when the next new toy comes along.
I have unfriended a lot of people from my list, simply because they were acquaintances at one stage in my life. I do not feel they need to know what is happening in my life now hence the clean up from the friends page.
Nevertheless one lady felt fit to write to me to ask why. Of all the nerve! I think she may have come off as desperate.
sigh…
Here’s a selection of wonderfully passive aggressive Facebook updates:
http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2009/11/16/ever-wonder-why-facebook-doesnt-come-with-a-dislike-button/
I’m always astounded that some people can have like 200 friends on facebook. Who has the time to maintain all those relationships? I recently gave in and joined up because I had a few work related situations like ‘check out my portfolio’. Its a convenient way to share photos of the kids with family abroad and I got back in touch with old varsity friends. I’ve made it my home page now because its far less depressing than News24 with its horror stories. I refuse to friend family members who would be shocked by my occassionally colourful language or radical thoughts at 2 in the morning. And my 30 or so friends are real friends, ie. people I see on a regular basis if possible. People who are interested in what I think and what I do. Five months ago I lost a dear friend to a car accident and I still can’t bring myself to ‘unfriend’ her, even though her face regularly haunts me on the ‘write on her wall’ prompt. Sometimes I send her a message or phone up her cell and leave a voicemail message. Its good just to hear her voice. Its not all bad this technology. Now playing vampire wars is a serious waste of time… I wish I could stop, but I can’t!
Thank you. I did the facebook thing when it first appeared [whenever: even weeks seem like years these days]. Now i find it hard to face the page, it has become somehow so immensely complex, with add-on’s and etceteras and, naturally, vapid comment. So i have found this particular journey through article and comments to be enlightening.
The idea of ‘unfriending’, is problematic enough… even deciding whether to respond to a ‘friend’ request itself is complex. Friends in the ‘real’ world are rare… in fact I generally have issues understanding what friendship is in the first place… ‘unfriending’ is an idea outside my limited parameter of ‘friending’.
I tend to the view that anyone i haven’t known for about thirty years doesn’t yet qualify to enter into friendship potential…. And then this business of “poking” someone always seems to be subliminally obscene.
Maybe Facebook: is more appropriately a place for making acquaintanceships, that may, over half a century of real time, blossom into friendship.
Networking and friendship in any event always seem inappropriate… a major reason why i was never able to sell insurance since the sales model always seemed to require one to canvass all one’s known contacts, which always seems rude and ill bred.
Now i understand that when one ‘friends’ someone on Facebook that one is most probably a multiple recipient and the intent on the sender’s part is more mass marketing than old fashioned “friendship”. ‘
Trend website’s view on the phenomenon of unfriending (and yes, the horrible typo in the heading bothers me too):
http://www.trendsspotting.com/blog/?p=1691
Priya it’s amazing you have any friends at all with that attitude. I wouldn’t unfriend someone without telling them and frankly it is passive aggressive to drop someone without an explanation.
If you stop friending people you don’t actually know, it won’t be a problem.
My rule of thumb is “if we weren’t friends in high school/ soccer team/ work/ wherever I supposedly know you from, then we’re not friends on FB,” and I regularly turn down friend requests. And certainly from people I don’t actually know!
Hence, no FB drama–just a nice way to keep up with folks who live far off and whom I might otherwise lose track of inadvertently.