Let me congratulate former editor Ryland Fisher for giving up a powerful position in society to focus on keeping his family together.
From the little one can pick up from his decision to quit, Fisher – like millions of other men in SA – had to stay away from his family for almost two years because he desired to fulfil his ambition of being one of SA’s and the continent’s leading editors.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with ambition and a desire to contribute to society but this always comes at a huge price to the family. He was away from the women he had committed to spend his life with and did not see his children much except when he could run away for a weekend.
Considering the strain families are taking we have to commend Fisher for putting his family first and encourage other men to do the same. In fact it is partners and wives who need to insist their men come back home. The home is the cornerstone of a socially cohesive society.
Strong, solid and loving families in SA are undermined by an outdated desire to be heroes and providers – notions that promote patriarchy and male domination.
What makes this worse is the absence of partners and women who do not insist that the love of family comes first. Nothing should come before the love of family as it is the cornerstone of a strong nation. If the family unit is weak, the nation will be weak.
There is a lack of women’s voices or organisations to educate boy children and men about their obligation to their families and people they claim to love. We need stronger voices that talk to men about what they owe their families: love. Love is the only reason why we’re here on earth.
These weaknesses have made it easy for money, power, status and ambition to bring with it the elevation of politics, the struggle or success as the most important thing in a man’s life. If you really think about it you realise that the families of some of the greatest heroes of the struggle were broken. The African community has passively absorbed the notion that a man can abandon his family for the struggle for freedom or to take a powerful position and thus make more money.
Some women want men who are somebodies, who are heroes and big names in business, politics, sports or religion. This promotes the notion that it’s okay for a man to pursue his dreams, first, before he can give love. This makes building a solid and strong family unit a secondary matter.
The family has become a threatened species, over 50% of children grow up without their families.
Until our women put the love of family on the agenda and address this obsession with success — measured by money, position, power, status – there’s very little hope we can get out of the trap of corruption, selfishness and greed.
Commitments to the struggle and pursuit of success have undermined the establishment of strong, solid and loving families. Of course colonialism and apartheid, the discovery of gold and diamonds, especially the Land Act of 1913, was at the heart of breaking up African families. Men were forced to abandon their families to be slaves in their own country.
It’s time women tell it like it is. They must challenge the decisions their men take in the name of love. This is what misleads men to think they are born to be providers. Men are on earth to give and spread love to their women, children and families. Period!
Well, I hope you are right, Mr. Memela, but “He has resigned in order to devote more time to his family” used to be a familiar formula in the old British Tory government for someone who had been fired for sexual misdemeanours!
Of course, when New Labour came in that stopped being a firing offense.
Yes indeed, how many children have grown up without seeing their parents, esp their fathers as they went to Gauteng and some never came back.
So blame it on the women and colonialism. Never heard anything more stupid in my life! Men do what men want to do.
If it is the case that he was away from his family for two years, why didn’t he bring them with him like most people do when they have to move in order to develop in their careers?
Once again, Sandile, a myopic, poorly written and unsubstantiated piece of sexist nonsense, wholly unconstitutional to boot.
Dear Editor, how on earth does this piece make it onto thought leader?
Here is Piere De Vos’s insights on the myth of the “nuclear family”:
http://constitutionallyspeaking.co.za/a-marriage-made-in-hell/
I think you will find it a far more convincing read…….
There is a danger that this love that one of my struggle days favourite poets Sandile Memela is advocating may quarantine men from contributing to the building of a better society and well fed families. A family though a basic unit of society is not immune to deseases, wars and laws that are part of our existance. Men and women have a responsibility to help shape a society where children will be safe, healthy and happy.
Love is difficult when one does not have the basics of shelter, clothing and food. There are people who must take the cudgels to ensure that their families and those of others have access to these. This does not mean they do not love their wives or husbands but that they express their love fully and unselfishly. No one can claim Walter Sisulu failed to provide love to his family but there are men who spend every night in their homes and yet are feared by their children.
Indeed the South African family has been devasted by effects of colonialism and apartheid. As we move out of the devastation the inviolability of family life as advocated by OR Tambo is cardinal. That however should not be simplistically counterposed to the role that we have to play in society.
Spread the LOVE……
Sandile, this is what millions need to hear.Powerful piece brother! Was wondering are you joining the Elders now? Well Parliament will need this as well.Those men and women see their families exactly if not worse than migrant labourers. Taking us back to basics. No hyping but humble advice requesting our attention to focus on ourselves as well. Congatulations for a good , moral and foundational piece!!
Why does ‘ntozakhona’ sound so much like Dave Harris? Has he adopted a new alias?
Even in this pretentious Memela-parade of platitudinous preaching, he found the opportunity to cheer for the ‘colonialism, apartheid and the discovery of gold and diamonds’ incongruity that Memela somehow had to fit in – and which has no relevance to an editor who went to work somewhere else in the world for almost 2 years and “did not see his children much except when he ‘ran back’ home sometimes for weekends.’’
There is a balance between work and play which sometimes escapes us.
The parent who provides for the family and spends quality time with them is indeed fortunate because they have managed to strike the balance.
Many parents struggle to make ends meet, and it becomes much more complicated to provide materially and guide their children through life.
Lets set aside all the innuendo of sexism etc..
Good family values determine the future of humanity.
What I’m hearing is men being absolved of any responsibility to actively build their families, be role models to their sons, protect their daughters and be husbands to their wives. Until they are stopped by women, it’s okay for them not to stick around, to be away from home so that they can provide or just because they don’t want the responsibility. At what point do men, especially those raised without their fathers/families, draw the line and without instruction from anyone besides their own conscious, draw a line in the sand for the sake of their children?
@ Sandile Memela. The first thing one learns about writing (or editing) is to avoid repetition,
Not only do I agree with Noob, but this is actually one of the worst pieces of writing I have ever come across – even comparing if with your previous embarrassments.
At least it was shorter; which only highlights your repeating:
‘family /families’ – 18 times, ‘love/loving’ – 9 times, ( ‘love of family’ twice; ‘family first’ 3 times), ‘man/men’ about 8 times and I didn’t bother with ‘wives, women’ etc .
If you google ‘AVOID REPETITION IN WRITING”, over 210 websites all emphasize what rank beginners know: ‘Eliminate the repetitive word or phrase; Avoid redundancy and unnecessary repetition like the plague. It is annoying; a killer, the cardinal sin of laziness. Use pronouns, synonyms or different word forms. Read what you have written out loud. Let someone else read it to check for repetition and other annoyances.
Although the contents attempt to be profound, the standard of writing is so low that I too am astounded that M & G actually published it.
.
Mehlolo! Chairman of the Bored, what is he on about?
Finally someone has made the connection!!! When all the shouting is done and yet another `expert` has spoken volumes on the socio-economic state of SA, we finally realise the simple truth that forms the very basis of the mess we got ourselves into! Absentee Fathers and sometimes Mothers( how many kids are by the Ouma…?!) who simply do not understand what parenting really is, or who refuse to take responsibility for their offspring ,are the reason we have a rebellious youth, lost childhood and communities out of control.This leads to the current crisis of a society on the brink…
@ noob & charlotte: if you must understand me correctly, you must say there is no fear expressed – steve biko.
i am not intimidated.
@ Sandile Memela There are no “musts” about it: I don’t ‘must’ have to ‘understand you correctly’ and I don’t ‘must’ have to ‘say there is no fear expressed – steve biko’.
Rather thank me for some constructive criticism – in fact, the third time I have drawn your attention to your most glaring writing mistake i.e. repetiveness.
Take it on the chin, man, and learn from it, instead of being defensive.
@ Sandile. Sorry, typo in second last line: should be ‘repetitiveness’
Any relationship requires a compromise in one way or another. When we decide to to get married or have children we have to know that our career ambitions come second to the welfare of our relationships. So, i very much agree with Mr Memela but i would also like to add that our families have to realise that in order for us to play our roles effectively, we first need to be happy as individuals. If daddy is going to pass on positive energy to his son, he, as an idividual needs to posses that positive energy which he may be getting from doing the job he loves. If we do things we love and enjoy we tend to be more positive people which means we can share this positivity with those around us.
It’s all good and well to have parents that are completely involved in the everyday lives of their children. but if they are misrable what good can they be to their children?