“Right,” said the exasperated customs official at Auckland international airport to the poker-faced Chinese gentleman. “In your country, if yew make a false declaration on re-entering yer country, what happens?” Marion (The Chook) and I had arrived in Auckland from Shanghai on Saturday March 13. We had travelled Air New Zealand, a flight which is scheduled twice a week from Shanghai to Auckland and loaded with Chinese tourists. Many of the Chinese, it had now became clear to us , insisted on trying to bring in all sorts of products not allowed in New Zealand, even though the documents we had received on board had made this patently clear, and which their tour guides accompanying them also knew.
“ … on re-entering yer country, Choina … what happens?” came the peeved question again. The rhetorical enquiry lingered like the lull between the shimmer of lightning and the cascading thunder which follows.
The Chook and I couldn’t hear the muttered response as we sat waiting for our customs official to go through what we had declared on the Entry to New Zealand Form, such as more cash than normally allowed, which simply needed to be declared. But we became amused by the repetition of the question by various customs officials all dealing with a fascinating race we had had the privilege of dealing with for the last five years. One chap was trying to bring in about three kilograms of prescription medicines for which he had no prescription but a long tale we could not follow.
Eventually our customs officer came back with the required forms to record how much cash we had brought into the country in the form of US dollars and Chinese yuan. “Roight,” he said, in that lovely cracking snapper of an accent, “so yew’ve declared that you have brought cash into the country that’s more than the usually allowed amount”. His eyes twinkled with reassurance and kindness. “Above which, all yew needed to do was declare it. Well done on just doing the roight thing there.” Behind us echoed that frustrated refrain of a question like one of those final boarding calls for passengers: “Loik oi said.” Deep pause for breath. “If yew make a false declaration at the airport in yaw country, Choina. What. Will. HAPPEN?”
Our customs official raised his eyebrows as he scribbled down our declaration, and muttered an answer in sympathy with his beleaguered colleague. “Well, what will happen won’t be entoirely pleasant.” The Chook and I smirked and shook our heads all too knowingly at the debacle going on behind us, as any reader of my memoir or blogs, Cracking China, will understand. Our customs official thanked us again and we were on our way into Auckland to join the family in a six-bedroom home in North Shore. The home, now including us, like something out of Gerald Durrell’s My Family and Other Animals, includes seven highly individualistic and opinionated people.
I had been to Kiwi-land before but had never noticed the nature of the TV news which I blearily watched in a state of jet lag with Marion’s grandchildren the following day. The boys are two young, tall dudes, and, very, very theoretically, I would be the “step-grandfather” (aaaargghh!), but they just call me dude (cool). The headline news were about rare, Kiwi vintage planes, such as WWII Catalinas on an air show at Rotorua Airport in New Zealand. The other riveting bit on the headline news was the astonished reaction of the Kiwi public to a British Marine veteran’s face being erroneously used to advertise a Kiwi war museum. His face, instead of a patriotic Kiwi’s, had been used by mistake to advertise the NZ war museum for fifteen months. “See what his eyes have seen” is the slogan below his beret and craggy face as he gazes forward resolutely. This was headline breaking local news. The veteran was personally interviewed at his home where he was dressed in his full regimental uniform and wearing a glittering, cutlery service set of medals on his jacket which he was proudly showing off to the interviewer. I lapped up this island “insularity”, this homely, over-the-dinner-table nature of the local headline news. So refreshing compared to what is dished up in other, more “cosmopolitan” countries such as South Africa or propaganda-heavy China.
The next day on the TV news there was a bit about a Chinese tourist who was nabbed at Auckland’s airport for carrying half a suitcase of foods from Shanghai. Bringing organic products into the country are absolutely forbidden by NZ customs. The goods have thankfully no chance of passing the scanners at the airport. The Chinese visitor had made a false declaration on entering a beautiful island whose authorities go to great lengths to protect New Zealand’s vulnerable ecology. The Chinese gentleman paid the price, despite many warnings.
“Still having a go at the Chinese, Rod?” the reader might think. No, that is just how many of them are like from the Chinese mainland. And I have five years of experience to back that up. They are, by turn, exasperating, baffling, winsome. But from what I could see from the Kiwi customs officials, only the first two terms apply.
Said one of the dude juniors (step-grandchildren not) to me, “so dude, the school kids here in New Zealand are really difficult and terrible”. The dude juniors are also from South Africa, where students were (are they still?) a bit more respectful. “But with your size you could handle them alright as a teacher!” I will have to be a “learner teacher” initially. I have university degrees and experience, but not the required educational qualification. Any Kiwis out there in the know, please point me in the right direction to get this kind of job.
Yeah. The Chook and I are now for giving New Zealand a crack, which was always in the pipeline. So, for the nonce, welcome to Cracking Kiwi-land. I will change the title of this blog soonish.
Definitions of cracking: to give it a shot, to get a break, go crazy, excel, excellent, learn a code. Nerve-wracking at times, but the next step.
…and I did ask you so politely not to “crack” NZ. It is already cracked!
)
Ofcourse it’s china bashing because I have see other
tourists wanting to bring biltong,droewors,boerewors,
traditonal medicines eg staldruppels,oumensis,aloe
through customs at New York,Heathrow,Singapore International.
It’s not unusual for some travellers to do this.!!!
Looking forward to hearing all about your experiences in NZ, Rod!
Rod, Auckland Uni offers conversion courses to familiarise you with the syllabus. This course is free to (legal) residents.
Well, old friend, all I can say after my own first year in gorgeous Kiwi-land is that it is a cracking good country and it’s a joy to be living here!!!
Welcome to Aotearoa – the Land of the Long White Cloud.
People always amuse me. I worked in Amsterdam for 3 months – the 2 ladies who joined me actually brought Handy Andy and Domestos with them because “well, you never know what these foreign countries are like!”
Lesstatsi – I have also travelled around quite a lot and i have never seen so many people from one country trying to bring in so much illegal %$#$ when it is patently, if not blatantly clear with a kazillion warnings, NOT to. I would love any kiwis out there to comment. I am simply stating my five year experience, culminating in our arrival in Auckland. Lots of Chinese friends bid us sweet farewewell and our maid and her mother were quite emotional when they saw us off in the taxi outside our old Shanghai apartment.
Thanks Linda at 7:02 am – although we only have seen each other a few times, we go back nearly twenty years. I think the first time was that magical weekend at Hermanus in 1991 when I was jobless,and for some reason your son and Lorraine’s boy, Damian always remembered me !?!
Rod, you can also do a post grad diploma in teaching at a University. For primary teaching you do not need a degree with traditional teaching subjects but it is the case for senior school teaching. The dip takes one year(fulltime) and you will need to to some practicals as well. Before you can apply for the diploma you will need to have your SA degree(s) evaluated by the NZQA(see website) which will cost you about $750. Good luck and welcome. I am a fellow South African and have been reading your blog since I arrived in NZ about a year ago. Will be interesting to see how you crack Kiwi land.
As an expat Saffa and also an expat Kiwi I enjoy your musings about the idiosyncrasies of life and cultures different to yours. I’m very much looking forward to reading about your new life in New Zealand – I felt homesick just reading this blog. May it go well – good on yer, mate
Keep cracking it Rod!!
All the Best!!
Thanks Nadine and Janacek – good grief, Nadine, 750 dollars just to evaluate my degrees before I even start paying for the course? Holy moley. Have to put that one on the backburner.
Some years ago, I arrived in NZ from SA with…..my riding boots in my luggage. Imagine these -although washed clean- riding boots which had touched African soil and African horses, could bring down the NZ nation.
After waiting an hour or so, the NZ official handed us our boots, smelling like a hospital operation area. We were happy to have contributed to a clean NZ and with the opportunity to do some horse riding in tact.
Rod, try some horse riding in NZ. Wonderful areas both on North and South Island. Might have to loose some of the tyre around your middle
)
Happy to see you landed safely! Look forward to new adventures. Hou die blink kant boe.
Here’s wishing you a marvellous stay. I’m sure you’ll make the best of things, and keep us entertained along the way – you even seem to enjoy the dreadful Kiwi accent!
If you’ve worked at a school for one full term after obtaining your permanent residence permit, the government gives you a one-off $3000 settling-in grant (per family) to offset the various debts you may have incurred with things like registration, degree certification, customs clearance fees etc. You must ask for it, or else you don’t get it. Your principal will advise you what to do.
For any interested my next radio interview is on Radio SAfm Sunday 21st March 2.30 PM with Karabo Kgoleng, where we will be talking about my memoir, Cracking China. That will be one thirty AM in the morning here in New Zealand, good gravy.
Oops… correction, they have changed my radio talk on SAfm to 2 PM on Sunday 21st March with Karabo Kgoleng.
@Benzol A few years ago the Indian cricket team were fined and harassed for arriving on tour with Mumbai muck on their cricket boots and kit. The Indians thought it was a form of intimidation in support of the Kiwi team
I can just imagine the Chinese feeling the need to bring in their special mutis, knowing the Kiwi NHS sticks strictly to formulaic appropriate generic Western medicine. When I toured the Far East last year and left my daughter for a years teaching stint in the Thai bush, I took piles of medicine from SA, not knowing what level the Thai medical system works.
I wonder if anyone tries to smuggle Durian fruits – the most pungent nauseating smell of any fruit