In about 1991 I remember having some female friends when living in Cape Town. Some were divorced or going through one. Two in particular one evening were discussing how they were going to wangle more money out of their “ex’s”. They were laughing and putting down their poor ex-sods. I was most indignant, made a few very cutting remarks and lost two “friendships”. To this day I am still very cool with that.
Since then I have sat down and had off-the-record chats, even support sessions, with male friends who were going through a devastating divorce and were getting absolutely fleeced for every dime they were worth. One bloke I remember in particular, a best friend. He was just about to finish off paying the mortgage on a lovely home in the Helderkruin area of Joburg when the missus announced the “good news” of their splitting up. She took him for so much money he had to re-mortgage the entire property and then some. He visibly lost weight and had to go in for counselling and came close to a nervous breakdown. It affected their three children. Those are scars that can be carried well into adulthood. That man was a good man and provided well. Often I was around for braais and knew the entire family well, including taking the kids out for movies and treats. As with most children, they thought I was the next bubbly, goofy thing since bubblegum. But I remember him sitting at a table in my home and telling me about his bewilderment, fighting back the tears, “What did I do wrong, Rod?” The children were equally devastated. That is just one of many examples I can talk about in defence of the blokes and their abuse by women.
There is a current and very necessary heated debate over the abuse of women, specifically with reference to polygamy, sparked off by our beloved president. The cannons of vitriol have been booming between genders and races under the blogs about the abuse of women. Many women are abused; don’t get me wrong there and when it comes to physical abuse I despise bullies. I would be the first to say that women definitely get abused more than men.
But amongst the feminist cannon-fire I would like to fire my popgun in defence of men and that we sure as hell also put up with abuse.
Many times in my early twenties and even in my mid-thirties I told my mother about my relationships with certain girlfriends who had abused me financially, emotionally, led me up the garden path, played me off against other guys to be first in line for favours, and not the sexual kind, as I truly wanted a genuine relationship, not just a “quickie” or a one-night stand. (Whew, that was a long sentence because of the emotive force that went through my drumming fingers as I sit here and type.) Again and again my mother reprimanded me, horrified, begging me not to be so generous. “Rod, why did you have to spend so much, my boy? Be very careful about who you go out with! Women are dangerous!” This from my mother. I still remember the pleading, almost panicky look in her eyes. She confessed that in her youth she also “got men into a position” to empty their wallets, spoil her on various things.
Boy, was I naïve with women! At the same time I was really good at making what we South Africans sometimes call “lady friends”, girls who were just buddies and we could bounce things off each other, go out, do stuff, talk about our issues and relationships. Those girls loved me (yeah, yeah, platonic love). This was because, unlike most men, so they said, I was in touch with my emotions generally and was literally not ashamed to cry when feeling enormously vulnerable. Most SA men are extremely uncomfortable with showing deep emotions. Correct me if I am wrong.
The beginning of this blog was going in a direction where a vitriol of a different kind may have started appearing in the commentary. That might still happen. It could include a venomous debate where women defend the women. A debate where some men rightly stand up for the rights of women. And also some resentful, wrath-filled comments and anecdotes from men in support of me bringing up the abuse of men by women. The commentary under this blog, if any, may still go in that direction. But what responsibility am I taking as a writer — often a clownish one or a would-be poet, I confess — if I do that? Should I be stirring up intense emotions?
Well, yes. I have said in at least one previous blog that the debate stirred up by our beloved, polygamous Caesar is a watershed moment. We need to honestly debate it and respect others’ opinions provided they are constructively put. But the polemic strikes me as somewhat biased. The heat stirred up by the feminist writings too often makes men look like monsters. And, for one, I am getting tired of reading academic phrases like “patriarchal chauvinism”, “the undermining of women’s rights”, “paternalistic” “patronising” (as a pose to matronising, I suppose) and so forth. Not because they are not representative of very real issues, but because after a while they themselves become patronising and destructive. These commentaries disregard and abuse the very many authentic and beautiful relationships that exist between genders and same-genders.
In other words, the constant depiction of the role of men, both historically and currently, is subverting the very aims the feminist writings are trying to achieve: the upholding of women’s rights and therefore having beautiful relationships, both in the home and other societal roles. That cannot be achieved by only seeing men as monsters, or only focusing on those times when they most definitely are monsters. We can be quite sweet and kind too, you know. These particular feminist writing are creating, I suspect, more rifts between the genders than bridges of understanding. It makes me suspect that these writers — and many of you know which specific writer I am referring to — do not have healthy relationships themselves as they harp on so much about unhealthy relationships or depict certain relationships as abusive or a violation of human rights.
The specific rights violation that tiresomely gets brought up is polygamy. That is only potentially — and I stress potentially — a small aspect of the current abuse of women. Loads of abuse of both genders, yes, dammit, both genders, also occur in monogamous relationships. Duh. Going with battering hammer and tongs at one form of marital custom, polygamy, risks missing the real issue of abuse. Why? Because few people practise it or wish to practise it. How do I know that? Well for cripe’s sake you don’t need to do an exhaustive research and present a Gallup’s poll of statistics. Keep it simple. How many people do any of you know in South Africa — not Botswana and Swaziland — who are in genuine polygamous relationships or even want to be? Precious few. We just want a beautiful relationship with one person. Like me and my Chookie here in Shanghai. I wouldn’t know how to deal with more than one wife and would not want to. I am convinced I am speaking for the majority of South Africans out there. So why, oh why, for crying out aloud, keep baying about this issue, polygamy, that is currently practised by a teensy-weensy minority? And, again, the debate, with its focus on the tiresome “p” word, seems to be negatively impacting women/men relationships and race issues. Men are ogres, is the refrain and unfortunate subtext of this kind of writing.
On the “p” word. In all the debate I have yet to see a coherent argument for its “wrongness” as a pose to monogamy. It is rather like saying the colour blue has a greater moral value than the colour orange. What hogwash.
We need to get back into putting at the centre of the debate one of Africa’s greatest cultural treasures: ubuntu. A person is a person because of other persons. I am a person because of other people. Notice it does not say women or men, the aphorism refers to people, us. Ubuntu’s corollary cannot possibly be this awful canyon that seems to be getting reinforced, or perhaps created, between men and women, or should we use the cute, academic expression, men/women. Ubuntu does not say “I am a woman because you are not a man” (pejorative suggestion as to ungentlemanly, bullying behaviour intended). It does not say, “You are a woman because I as a man let you free to be one”. Both of those statements are wrong, and yes, often practised. But you can also change the words “men” and “women” around in those sentences and we find they are also practised. But all the sheer focus on vicarious practices only perpetuates the abuse, does not free us from them. We need to get our focus on the solutions, the healing needed to take place between genders, not keep on concentrating on more and more descriptions and proofs of the very real abuse of women … or of men.
End of my bitch session. Oops, sexist me. End of my bastard session, um, dog session, no … bokke catharsis … heck what can I say to avoid being called a sexist by either gender?
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30 Responses to “…And the very real abuse of men by women?”
Sadly - this is the legacy of patriarchy. When women have been told that they are less than.
Using beauty and brains to rip off some man is that legacy and your mother echoes it well.
It’s still with us, even though we should all be equal.
Very sad!
Rod, many responses to blogs are brainless, emotional and extremely one-sided utterances on the subject on hand. “If you cannot stand the heat…..”.
The gender issue has become in many parts of the world another “black/white” issue. “All women are…..” or “all men are….”. Similar discussion can be heard on religion, socialism, communism, cars, rugby coaches and..you name it.
Often amusing to read those comments, many times so predictably boring that I skip reading the article before it has been devoured by the hungry and myopic fanatics.
When time is on my side, I read the stuff to amuse my soul with the utterances of the poor sods who can only see the two extremes and see no middle of the road.
On the gender issue, there are as many mean women as mean men. They just use different armament but can be as lethal as a “klap” or a bullet.
Fantastic article that opens up one of the greatest ‘unsaid truths’. Women can be as evil, as abusive, as grasping and almost always far more materially demanding than men. Like your friend, I have many women friends. I also have been taken for every cent by a woman I loved, cherished, honoured, cared for and trusted. Women are not always victims. Other women know this much better than men do. Talk to women - good women - woman friends, those who tell the truth, and no ‘emerald lies - they know that other women are not to be trusted.
Ha, I see that you are one of those poor saps who actually fell for the hogwash about showing your sensitive side blah blah. Understnad that it is just a ploy to get the beta males to show their true colours and thus be eliminated from the mating pool. Sure, you’ll make female friends that way, but women at the peak of their reproductive years don’t want to mate with a softy. They want to be sure they hook an aggressive alpha male who will be able to bring home the bacon. Even when a woman doesn’t intend having children, that is the way she has been programmed by evolution to behave.
Interesting though that you fail to mention the very rela fact of physical abuse of men by women. In the US studies show that at least half of domestic violence is committed by women. To only rely on police statistics is very misleading, because men are much less likely to report abuse. And when a woman do file a complaint it only tells us who lost the fight, not who started it. A University of Pennsylvania emergency room report found 13 percent of men were assaulted by a female partner in the previous 12 months, 37 percent with a weapon, and 14 percent required medical attention ( http://www.aemj.org/cgi/content/abstract/6/8/786 ).
Rob, both genders are abusive at some point; like in your example (divorce). These are good natured people who turn to barbaric means to get even with each other, whatever the source or cause of commotion. The difference is few men talk about being abused, but a lot of women talk about it.
For me, relative morality is not my biggest gripe with polygamy. I would have much less of an issue with it if the people defending it as part of their “culture” would also accept a woman having 5 husbands. That is equality and that would make it fair. Until that happens it’s a practice that favours men, in my opinion.
It has longed seemed to me that there is a contingent of so-called feminists who want women to continue to be treated as children when it suits them, that is when it is to their benefit.
I normally enjoy your posts but you can’t be serious about this one? I’m no feminist but do you seriously think that one-for-one the abuse of males by females equals what women have had to endure at the hands of men over the ages? Do you seriously compare women that “abuse” men while learning the rules of courtship or when exacting revenge during divorce for their own personal reasons (and hearing one side of a failed marriage does not qualify you to make a biased judgment against the other party) with the kind of physical, mental, emotional and social abuse women suffer still today in many parts of the world? Please!
If the patriarchy turns female sexuality into a commodity, then the patriarchy need not be surprised when women start attempting to profit by marketing that commodity.
I would also caution against taking Andrea Dworkin as representative of all feminist thought, as the author of this piece appears to be doing.
Michael Liermann on February 13th, 2010 at 2:28 pm
Well said Rod, and Judith.
Marriage isn’t for everyone. Somebody once said that the trouble with marriage is that people live together. Little things that the partner does (or doesn’t do) can irritate to distraction. I find that the ideal arrangement (after experimenting with marriage and living together) is to live in separate dwellings, and visit each other once or twice a week. That way each is on his/her best behaviour, and you have new things to share with each other every time. Each meeting is fun! (And I guess much the same applies with Jacob and his wives.)
Nobody even thinks of abusing anybody.
It may not be the best way to bring up children. But then the world has far too many children; so the simple solution is not to have any.
No doubt women have used their emotional skills down the ages, as men their physical skills. I’m not sure if Judith is right that women needed partriarchy as a kickstart before playing the cards nature dealt them. That said, our Domestic Violence Act recognises economic and physical and psychological abuse and prohibits them equally, giving neither men nor women an upper hand.
I question teh so-called “Africa’s greatest cultural treasures: ubuntu. A person is a person because of other persons. I am a person because of other people.”
The success of European economies and upward mobility in society were due to individual achievement and willingness to take risks, never mind what others said. The herd mentality and the unwillingness to go againts society’s artificial norms has been the reason for African backwardness.
My dear fellow Rod, who hails from Sydney - prithee, how was I patting my back in this article?
Agreed on needing to always keep things succinct, but this is, as Mark Robertson said, an “…article that opens up one of the greatest ‘unsaid truths’”. So I lavished some attention on it.
“Society” says that men cannot be abused by women, defining abuse as physical, mostly.
Yet men who are abused, not only financially, but emotionally and yes physically seemingly have no recourse. Ridicule is the normal response to a man laying a complaint of domestic violence. Such is the patriarchal domination in SA society.
Women can be unspeakably evil and vicious, physically and mentally. Sometimes I am ashamed of and embarrassed by my ’sisters’.
Hi Tricia - thanks for visiting and saying you usuazlly enjoy my stuff, but please try and read this blog with a bit more attention, with regards your fair contention women get more abuse, I clearly state: “Many women are abused; don’t get me wrong there and when it comes to physical abuse I despise bullies. I would be the first to say that women definitely get abused more than men”. Thank you.
Perhaps the problem lies in the fact that sexism (you do admit it still exist, both ways don’t you? PC and MC) should have been worked on for the last 16 years but, like racism, no real progress have been made. The devil, I believe, is in the media. Why have woman’s mags, men’s mags? I chanced on a woman’s mag the other day during an idle moment and was horrified. Why didn’t anybody tell me there was a sex war on? Then, at work, I come across a client’s name in the DB that doesn;t have initials, and it is female. Horror! Why? For men simple, he is a Mr. But now, either she is a) waiting to get married off to a man - Miss; b) already married - Mrs; c) never going to get married or believe herself to be equal partner to hubby - Ms.
Rod, honestly, do you blame women for being a little bit on the defense? They don’t get to keep their identities like little Lord Fauntleroy (the average male) so if a few brave ones decide to get their own back? Jeez, I admire their courage and ingenuity. At least they are not doing it from a position of power, like abusing men. I often hear of abused women, too scared to leave the abuser. Emotional blackmail? Men are equally good at it. Up to know they just thought it was their right to do so.
@Ian Shaw - the herd mentality huh? that is your “reason for African backwardness” is it? well I seem to recall a couple of little things such as, oh, colonialism, Apartheid, and slavery and the current militarization and de-stabilization of the continent by Chinese and Western governments. yes our leaders suck, and we cant seem to get rid of them, or just keep hiring the same idiots, but for you to suggest that there have been no brave souls bucking the trends on this continent is a gross mis-statement and a highly fabricated state of affairs, mister shaw.
Rod, there is no comparison between ‘bitch’ and ‘bastard’. Their meanings are totally different. ‘Bastard’ reflects on the parents; ‘bitch’ reflects on the woman.
As a woman, I would warn any man against a woman wronged and hell’s fury, but swap the genders and the same happens just as often.
I am repeatedly reminded that women tend to see marriage as a free ride. They debate whether to give up work and look after the kids; their husbands join in.
Our society demands far more of society to ensure that marriages are made, kept or broken on equal footings. There is never any equality when children are part of the equation. The parent who takes the kids does more for them and puts more money into them, most of the time and I seldom meet ex-partners who do their bit, unless money is not significant.
Hi Rod, I read your article carefully and I hadn’t missed the part you mention. But thanks for resorting to teacher-mode and rapping me over the knuckles with a ruler, however I’m not one of your primary school scholars.
Acknowledging that “many women are abused…” etc is a poor attempt at balancing the content of the article and the only way to further this discussion with you would be to get into a schoolyard contest about which gender is/was more abused, which is a bit mad in my view.
I agree that there are vicious, grasping women out there that inflict pain and suffering on men (and probably on other women too because that’s the nature of their character) but the actions of that small group do not mitigate centuries of male violence (over or covert) against women.
This was slightly longer than average I think Rod but I felt what you were saying worth reading. Sexism is as rife today as it was in Genesis and yes I would agree that women can be far more vicious and abusive in a relationship because they go for the weakest point in a mao obtain revenge, They use their emotional armory and if you are married to a smart woman and you reject her charms for whatever reason she will look for the best way to make you feel the same pain she is contending with. If it is your career or finances which will hurt you the most then that is where she is going to hurt you. If it is your children she will use them. When my turn came I knew that it takes two to make a relationship work and I had three sons and a husband who was an amazing father and human being in general. I drew up a list of the pro’s and cons and then I set about finding where my power lay and made a decision based on what would be best for all of us. He had had an affair but I had been too clingy. I toughened up took him back and gave back all his privileges. It took 4 hard years, the departure of the other woman and I never ever used the affair against him or raised it again. Mutual resposibility and respect and communication vital
Peace In Our Time on February 15th, 2010 at 3:11 pm
Hi Robard , I found you comments/statistics on Feb 13 at 9:28 PM most interesting and something I would like to read more about, a sort of unspoken history. However, perhaps you would like to take this up with Tricia who has also commented twice on this thread? She seems in ways entirely opposed to what you have to say. She feels I am patronising and that I am rapping her over the knuckles; I am not. (I found it fascinating how one can get misunderstood. It just seems fundamental to the human condition that we desire t be understood.)
This blog was about the abuse of men and therefore as it does not focus on the very real abuse of women it is vulnerable to Tricia’s interpretation/misconstrual as being biased/skewed.
MLH - superb argument, agreed, and sure, I had your thoughts already in my mind while I was writing this piece and considered using them in my blog but heck it was getting rather long as more than one commentator has rightly said. The parent who looks after the children while the other works and brings home the bacon is also doing her/his fair share. On the bitch/bastard comparison… I was not comparing, my next word was “dog” which is the same as bitch, a reference to the man. Yuk, ugly words in their societal context, hey?
I think we need to completely rethink the way we do society, and these blogs, all the media attention and Christi’s stuff are hopefully opening up that possibility says idealistic me.That is one thing I love about some forms of feminism, they are hopefully opening up the possibility of an entirely different way of doing society. I really dont think the nuclear family structure works… anymore. Surely the divorce stats reflect that.
I married for the second time at age 26. After 35 years of marriage, 10 years ago my husband suffered a stroke and passed away, leaving our grown up children and me absolutely devastated. Just a few years into our marriage when we acquired our first home, he had requested that I please try and mow the lawn. We sat down and evaluated our position as a couple. We had three children. I did the lifting, ran the house and did the cooking so it was agreed that I attend to all things inside the house and he attend to the garden, the pool, the sauna and all things outside the house.
My mother had told me in my youth, “never provoke your husband, listen to him, agree with him and do what you want to do anyway and he won’t be any the wiser” and that worked very well for me. Today I am 71 and live comfortably off the substantial fruits of our marriage, with no intention of ever having a man in my life again.
Neither of my two husbands beat me and I certainly never laid a hand on them. I have three wonderful children and four grandchildren who have me in their lives together with their mates and three grand-dogs too. What more can I wish for?
One thing I did not do and never will do is sit around coffee shops – that can only lead to trouble…………
@Tricia - You mentioned character. Would it not be much easier and also more correct to dispense with the labelling by sex and to admit that certain personality types are really what does the damage. So you were born female, so Rod was born male. Does that immediately make you a certain type of person and him another? Let’s use the label: people or person. I have known many ruthless ones, I have known as many caring ones, they were of both sexes. It is a fairly accurate generalisation that opposites will attract (At least I have found this to be the case). That means in any relationship one partner will give and the other will take. One will get hurt the other walk away without a scratch. Life’s a bitch. Perhaps partnerships are also about teaching and learning about give and take and how to choose a good lawyer.
I would agree with Tricia that the world over females probably suffer more from abuse at the hands of men than the other way round. But with reference to the situation in the monogamous western world, which is what I think you had in mind with this article, the picture is much more nuanced. If anything, womankind never had it as good as today’s western woman - and all thanks to the labour saving ingenuity (washing machines, vacuum cleaners) and kindness of western man.
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CRACKING CHINA was previously the title of this blog. That title was used as the name for Rod MacKenzie's second book, Cracking China: a memoir of our first three years in China, which is now available at Exclusive Books and other good bookstores. ISBN-13: 9780620451079.
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Rod and his wife, Marion, AKA the Chook or chookie, lived in China for five years. They have now moved to Auckland, New Zealand, where they hope to give Kiwi-land a crack. They live in a six-bedroom house along with the family, altogether seven rather individualistic and opinionated (sometimes self-opinionated) people and a small, mad terrier, Joey, who thinks he can pick up a rugby ball with his mouth.
Long ago Rod completed a post-graduate degree in English partly under the glacier presence and tutelage of J.M. Coetzee (who nevertheless encouraged Rod to keep writing). Rod has recovered from that ordeal.
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Sadly - this is the legacy of patriarchy. When women have been told that they are less than.
Using beauty and brains to rip off some man is that legacy and your mother echoes it well.
It’s still with us, even though we should all be equal.
Very sad!
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