By Tamlin Wightman
I recently read an article on the BBC News about rape and who is to “blame”. I’d heard of a friend or relative being raped but the victims themselves never told me and rarely spoke of the assault, unlike me — I will speak out. I’m looking back at my own reaction and trying to understand the ridiculous responses I and other victims have received.
I never once thought the survivor is to blame. I thought only how terrible it must be. I never questioned them — why they were walking home drunk or why they didn’t go to the police or why they wore a short skirt. These are not crimes.
It seemed obvious to me then and now especially that I too am a survivor, that no one wants to be raped. No one wants to be associated with being raped. The percentage that lies about it is minute, yet we are all treated like liars. It seemed to me that if someone (man or woman) wanted to rape, they would do it. They don’t only prey on the weak ones — the drunk, the shy, the sad, the lonely or alone — the strong are at risk too. Rapists are going to rape and just because they picked you does not mean it was your fault. They are to blame. They are the criminals. Nothing else matters! That is the crime.
I would never question a victim, why do you question me?
The second crime is how the family, friends or guardians react. According to the article and from my own experience it seems that people don’t want to be shamed by being associated with the rape so they deny it. They deny you. And this is the second trauma survivors endure.
I was shocked to see in a KTAR article that rape wasn’t illegal in Liberia until 2006 and how this little girl was shunned by her Liberian immigrant family. And, similarly, rape wasn’t illegal in Haiti until 2005. Even in the western world, the first world, victims are shunned. If we cannot change how others feel, we can at least change how we do.
For us survivors, we can either ignore the judgement or fight against it. When I read articles like these above I want to fly banners through the air for the world to see, outing rape, outing the truth. I want the girls and women and boys and men who’ve been raped not to end up on the streets or in refugee camps, as the KTAR article claims happens. I want victims to be held up on a throne as The Victor. The Fighter. The Survivor. As a soldier returned from war is received — with respect.
I want respect not pity. I am a fighter. I am a survivor. And so are my African and international counterparts. We should not hide.
The most level-headed, honest, sensible and courageous post I have ever seen on the topic. You are right, you are the victim of a crime, which you obviously survived and thus a survivor. I was recently burglared, which is seen as a crime, the victims not treated like rape victims yet one also feel violated. The blame was still put on me, not the criminal, for lacking adequate protection against crime. Rape is obviously far more personal and must be intensely more distressing but the inference in both cases seem to be that the shortcoming is on the side of the violated. Your response to that violation is refreshing and a source of strength to all those suffering from the maladjusted, forgiven and protected criminal mind. Let us tolerate their shortcomings no more.
Bravo and spot on. Why is it taboo for rape survivors to be open about their experiences? If you are hijacked, do people say you were ‘asking for it’? Never! But if you are raped it’s a different story. Until the issue is openly discussed the problem will never be addressed. We must keep talking about it, keep raising the issue, keep up the pressure until it is truly acknowledged and survivors are no longer raped – a second time, by the ‘justice’ system.
Which isn’t to say we don’t have any responsibility towards our own safety. Going out alone and getting drunk while scantily dressed smacks of irresponsible behaviour. But of course our television induced hedonistic culture also deserves a large part of the blame for encouraging impressionable young women to behave in slatternly ways.
“I never once thought the survivor is to blame. I thought only how terrible it must be. I never questioned them — why they were walking home drunk or why they didn’t go to the police or why they wore a short skirt. These are not crimes”
These may not be crimes, but every person has a responsibility to take care of themselves. As the author rightly points out, there will always be rapists, and it is prudent then, to not allow yourselves into situations, like walking home drunk, and expect nothing to happen.
In my opinion, you should not expect anyone else to take care your safety, as criminals will look for any lapse in security,and take advantage of that. It is therefore up to the individual to not compromising their safety.
The Praetor
You write a very good blog but what is the alternative?
“The percentage that lies about it is minute”
Therein lies the problem.Once one person is declared not guilty of rape then for justice to prevail anyone accused of rape must be assummed not guilty(in fact assuming the woman is lying) and every energy must be poured in to reverse the stance of the law at the beginning of the trial.
Innocent till proven guilty simply means (woman ) lying till proven they are telling the truth.
The lying small percentage have caused all this to happen.
If it was this stance taken by the law Zuma who was falsely accused of rape(the correct legal position as of today) would be in jail instead of being president.
Maybe all these questions should be held in camera and more sensitively they they are.
Should the presumption of innocence stand for all crimes except rape.Should we remove the presumption of innocence in all cases.
Thank you for your courage in writing this. You are so right!
Wow. You have laid out so many people’s misconceptions about the crime step by step and broken those all down.
Rape survivors are never to blame.
One of the things that can change this is if men change their attitude. It became quite clear to me after my rape that I had better not speak of this to boyfriends who somehow saw me as contaminated (this was years ago, I hope things have changed but fear that many men still feel this way subconsciously). Fortunately, I eventually found a man who saw me as a survivor who had suffered an attack that had nothing to do with my character, that I was not to blame for.
respect to you and all rape survivors. what wise words and so heartfelt. i wish you strength and healing and massive amounts of love and support in your life.
@haiwa tigere – the problem started with giving convicted criminals civil rights, they should have none. Everyone is so careful to make sure the rights of the poah, poah misunderstood, disadvantaged criminal is not abused, that they quite forget about the rights of the non-criminal, law abiding citizens of the country. The end result is they, the criminals live in five star hotels, all expenses paid, we survive in prisons, and the fact they commit crime is all our fault, so we deserve it. Innocent until proven guilty is a basic tenet of any democratic, free and just system, don’t tamper with it. Rather go back to making prisoners do backbreaking work for that tax money they so richly don’t deserve.
@Praetor
What a rediculous suggestion. The bottom line is that rape is never excusable based on where you were, what you were wearing, or who you had slept with before. Regardless of your ‘situation’ and how you got there, you have a right not to be raped.
The same way you go to sleep every night expecting to safely wake up the next morning, women should be able to live freely and expect not to be raped.
Blaming it on the survivor’s situation only gives legitimacy to the idea that sometimes ‘she asked for it’ which is never the case. No woman asks to be raped.
No rape is excusable.
Very well put. It’s sad that in many cases the hard way for victims of rape to become survivors is made even more difficult by those who should support them. Maybe those just don’t know how to behave when confronted with such a terrible situation but making things worse by blaming the victim instead of the criminal is inexcusable. If one is unable to help, which can happen, than at least don’t add insult to injury.
Thank you and all the best.
Robard
“But of course our television induced hedonistic culture also deserves a large part of the blame for encouraging impressionable young women to behave in slatternly ways. ”
Women who sleep with as many partners as most men are called sluts by misogynistic people like you. This I dont care about. However, regardless of how many men any woman has slept with, how short her skirt is, or where she chooses to walk at night, she does not deserve to be raped any more than a lifelong nun does.
I suggest you re-read the excellent article, your reading comprehension is somewhat lacking.
@Tamlin: your strength is enviable, you have all my respect.
@Jeniffer Thorpe
I hardly suggested that being raped is the fault of the person who were raped. I merely pointed out that everyone has the responsibility of taking care of their own safety.
Untill such a time that we have an ideal society, whithout rape and crime, the onus is still going to rest on the individual to avoid danger.
If anyone thinks they will not be harmed because they have the right not to be, they are naive.
The Praetor
MsAnnThrope
There is a difference between saying someone deserves to be raped and saying her behaviour puts her at risk of being raped. Being against drunk driving for instance doesn’t mean that I rub my hands in glee when a drunk gets himself killed in an accident. That said, however, a rape victim who lives promiscuously and advertises it by the way she dresses does deserve less sympathy than a rape victim who normally behaves in a modest and prudent manner. The former only suffers a physical assault, not much different to what she normally willingly partakes of, whereas the latter loses her dignity and maybe even her soul.
Dear all, I just want to say thank you for all the kind words herewith. They mean a lot… Tamlin
Hi Tamlin, I respect you. Key is finding the u-turn from anger and shame to surging ahead in life to be a victor. I believe we make rape as shameful as possible and Rape victims should be compensated by the rapist for the rest of his/her life.
Let’s not try and justify Zuma’s behavior.
@ scarface- results of Zumas “alleged rape” trial is :
The woman was lying through her teeth. Its such liers who make it difficult for rape victims all over.It makes it necessary to expose traumatised women to vigorous robust questioning to eliminate possibility of miscarriage of justice.
Zumas behaviour is a personal choice but certainly not illegal
Irrespective of person’s “appearance”, NO is NO. Rape is Crime and Sex is the Weapon.
Hail the survivors, through their stories other will find solace…
“That said, however, a rape victim who lives promiscuously and advertises it by the way she dresses does deserve less sympathy than a rape victim who normally behaves in a modest and prudent manner.”
Know what you sound like? Like a rapist justifying his actions to himself.
“Know what you sound like? Like a rapist justifying his actions to himself.”
No, it is about being fair to those women who really became victims of rape through no fault of their own. The don’t desrve to be placed on the same level of those who behave like slatterns. Furthermore, if we refuse to pass moral judgment we by default contribute to the coarsening of morals and lawlessness in general – which rape is but a particular instance of.
But it would be interesting to hear why you think that rapists are worthy of our condemnation but not the promiscuous. Either sex is something special and we condemn rape and promiscuity alike or it is a mere physical act which we ought to satisfy at whim, in which case rape cannot be regarded as a more serious crime than punching someone in the face in order to get hold of a sandwich.
Robard – when you’re in a hole, the secret is to dig *up*. Using terms like “slattern” gives the game away; you’re a common-or-garden misogynist playing the blame-the-victim game.
Also, one more for you, Robard: generally, sex – even if it involves people your medieval, moralistic mind likes to brand “promiscuous slatterns” – involves the consent of all parties involved. Rape does not involve mutual consent. It seems this is a concept you fail to grasp, which brings me back to my statement about you sounding like a rapist flailing about for justifications.
Michael – your accusation would only be true if most women do in fact behave like slatterns. As far as I’m concerned it is a minority that are guilty of promiscuous behaviour. If you believe the opposite then it is clear who the real misogynist is.
Interesting that you won’t attempt to defeat my logical proposition though. Either sex is something serious and we don’t go around advertising ourselves as objects of lust or it is just a way of having a good time and rape is nothing more worthy of our attention than common robbery and assault.
Robard – the 13th century called. They’d like their moral code back.
Well, Michael, there is just no getting around that simple little either/or I proposed, is there? You can’t have your cake and eat it.
@Robard
“No, it is about being fair to those women who really became victims of rape through no fault of their own.”
No woman becomes a victim of rape through any fault of her own! That is the point!
I have to agree with you Michael Liermann. No one deserves to be raped more or less than another. Not even a prostitue deserves to be raped. The prostitute argument is of course more complex but if they say no, no it is – that is before money is exchanged of course because by the prostitute accepting money she/he consents to sex, depending on the terms between the prostitute and the ‘customer’. Regardless of a person’s sexual, mental, emotional etc state or history, NO MEANS NO, we are all on the same playing field. I understand what Robard is saying but I as a rape survivor do not feel like I am less to blame than someone who flirted with the rapist or led him on. NONE of us are to blame, surely we all know that? It is not a matter of who deserves rape more or less… it is a matter of how many years the rapist should get if not life in prison!
Robard, if you’re playing at logic, I suggest you look up something called “the fallacy of the excluded middle”.
@Jennifer
That sounds more like the creed of a moral absolutist than a statement of fact. If women who lead a promiscuous lifestyle are more likely to be raped than those who always keep modesty in mind, then clearly rape is to some extent preventible and some women are more at fault than others.
That is aside from the subjective standard that you are setting for what constitutes rape, i.e. if the women says it was rape then it was so. That standard would violate the principle of equality before the law as every man who has had intercourse with his accuser would ipso facto be considered guilty.
@Michael
I am well aware of the fallacy of the excluded middle, but there are in fact valid either/or propositions, as I believe mine are. The terms I use, special/serious/promiscuous, do in themselves allow for a spectrum of attitudes and behaviours. If you dispute the proposition you have to show that the two options are not mutually exclusive or that there are other logical possibilities. It is clearly absurd though for a sexual libertine to be more concerned about rape than common assault or robbery, where the only difference is that it involves the very element of sex on the cheap which they approve of so much and which – by their own definitions – need not have resulted in bodily harm.
Justifying rape because the victim was dressed provocatively is like justifying theft because the victim was ostentatious or justifying murder because the victim was irritating or justifying child abuse because the victim was crying. The logic is false.
Graham – precisely. Robard’s entire line of argument is irrelevant to the discussion at hand.
Michael – Nobody is justifying rape. I am strongly against it which is why I think that women should be discouraged from engaging in promiscuous or sexually provocative behaviour that might put them at higher risk of being raped. As I wrote above: “There is a difference between saying someone deserves to be raped and saying her behaviour puts her at risk of being raped. Being against drunk driving for instance doesn’t mean that I rub my hands in glee when a drunk gets himself killed in an accident.”
“Michael – Nobody is justifying rape. I am strongly against it which is why I think that women should be discouraged from engaging in promiscuous or sexually provocative behaviour that might put them at higher risk of being raped.”
And *again* you are blaming the victim, not the perpetrator.
Its disgusting to see that in this day and age there are still people out there who think that if a woman is raped, that she asked for it. Being “sexually provocative” does not encourage rape, rape is not about sex but about having power over another person and subjecting that person to your will. A rapist is a rapist. Get it? And a rapist will attack a another person whether it be a man, woman or child when given the chance,depending on the rapist’s preference, regardless of what the victim wearing, how sober they are, whether its after dark or the middle of the day or even by breaking into their victim’s home. Rape is a crime, wearing a mini-skirt is not.
Inge – I think you too are confusing “is” with “ought”. I agree that women should be able to wear as little clothing as possible – provided of course they have the bodies for it – but I am not sure that rapists are equal opportunity offenders. Do you have the statistics to back up your assertion that all woman stand an equal chance of getting raped, regardless of behaviour and circumstances?