By Matthew Glogauer
Feminism is old news! We’re supposed to be living in a society where gender equality is well-established and an absolute norm (for the purposes of this article I’m talking about educated, urban SA, mostly in the corporate space). This is the “anything you can do, I can do better” world and time, and although we still keep track of how many female CEOs and senior politicians we have, in the corporate world, even mentioning female and male staff differences is taboo — it’s just not supposed to be a factor — that’s a rule now.
We know that men and women are biologically different, and although we shudder to admit it in the workplace, we make accommodations for this. We’ve supposedly moved from a historically patriarchal society to a far more egalitarian one (somewhat idealistically put I know). We have maternity leave, and flexi-time, and feminine hygiene disposal facilities in our unisex toilets. We encourage a workplace where your sex, sexual orientation, race, age, culture, politics are not supposed to matter. Our government and education is careful to make sure they represent professions and positions as accessible to anyone. Now women can be doctors, nurses, policewomen, receptionists, political leaders, teachers, bosses, moms, priests, rabbis, bus drivers, accountants, lawyers, anything! On a policy and theoretical level we’re preaching gender equality, and pretending that it’s real.
I get why this is necessary and why it’s happened, but I can’t say I agree.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, believing strongly that men and women are only made different by society and our upbringing. I’m afraid I was wrong. I became a dad recently (maybe 9 months isn’t that recently but in the context of my 34 years, it’s bloody yesterday!). My daughter, Layla, is definitely the smartest, cutest, prettiest, happiest, grumpiest baby in the whole world. But that’s not the point. The point is that girl babies and boy babies are different. Almost from birth!
As soon as they start to sit up and move around, boys have more physical energy relative to girls. They are more adventurous, more aggressive, more … masculine. Girls are more passive and while still very curious, use their voices more, and seem a little cleverer and more composed. It’s not just the pink vs blue babygros — I’m told by people who know (my wife) that boys tend to develop physically faster, and girls verbally. I think that those of you with kids will agree, and for those without kids just wait and see …
From then on we encourage different behaviour in boys and girls, be it consciously or sub-consciously — we speak to them in different tones, we say different things to them, we dress them differently and buy them different toys, and we absolutely reinforce different types of behaviour. Almost everything around them reinforces the societal (and genetic?) norms that in their simplest form are hunter vs gatherer.
And then we get to a point where we start telling our little girls that although they need to be smart and independent, and that they can do whatever they want, they also need to be pretty and feminine — otherwise how will they get a man one day!?! The boys we teach about competition, success, and we ask them to be “men” — to protect their sisters and mothers and families, and to be strong and brave and show as little emotion as possible etc. I’ve even seen the rise of a new colloquial expression — you need to “man up”, meaning take responsibility or be accountable.
The media is also a massive part of the typical images we have of men and women. Our heroes and heroines absolutely reinforce our societal stereotypes — the men and boys want to be an erudite 40-year-old Stallone or Samuel L Jackson. The women and girls want to be Jennifer Aniston in public and Angelina Jolie in private (with the option to be any one of the four Sex in the City characters, or any combination thereof, at a moment’s notice). AND the women want the men to be Jake Gyllenhaal! Our president who has numerous wives and a great many children, for which many vilify him and I suspect many (maybe secretly) admire him. “Remember sweetheart, if you work hard maybe one day you could be the president!”
THEN, when nearing adulthood and starting to think about work and studies, we conveniently decide to chuck all of that stuff away, and start saying men and women are completely equal.
We eventually enter a workplace where no formal or official barriers are in place, and where managers err on the side of caution to ensure they don’t discriminate, and literally live in fear of the e-mail from HR which even contains the words “sexual harassment”. But although the rules are supposedly set, behaviour rarely conforms. There is sexism, sexual tension, sexist comments and sex does influence business decisions like promotions, work allocation etc, whether this is admitted to or not. Male dress code is easy relative to female dress code. How are male colleagues supposed to react when their female colleagues dress proactively — showing some leg and/or cleavage and/or emphasising their derriere? What’s the motivation for dressing to snare a mate when you’re in a place where you’re not supposed to be trying to do that?
The other day (before the event) I heard two female colleagues talking about the Oscars — the great face-off between Avatar (James Cameron) and The Hurt Locker (James Cameron’s ex-wife — what was her name again?) Both women had seen and enjoyed Avatar, and The Hurt Locker hadn’t yet been released in SA. They were both behind Avatar all the way, until they heard that The Hurt Locker was made by Cameron’s ex-wife! Then these educated, empowered, but so obviously stuck under-the-glass-ceiling women switched sides and backed the movie they hadn’t seen, because they wanted a victory for all women, for all ex-wives — a victory for all oppressed women against their male oppressors. The sisters ganged up on a brother because they felt he probably deserved it.
(The subject of the confused thing that is 2010 masculinity and the role of men is a subject for another blog and another day.)
So blah blah blah, what am I saying? I’m saying that despite what the policy manuals say, chicks and okes are different. We’re meant to be different:
“When God made boys, he made them out of string. He had a little over, so he left a little thing (mine is huge though). When God made girls, he made them out of lace. He didn’t have enough, so he left a little space.”
So relax. Chill. Don’t discriminate. And in this challenging and crazy and joyful and frustrating place that is 2010 SA, worry less about being politically correct. Let’s celebrate our differences — they’re not going anywhere …
Please be gentle with me — it’s my first time …
Matt has been working in market research for 10 years, both in SA and abroad. He loves the absurdity of human nature, debate, honesty and bravery, as well as his wife, daughter, and small dog named Dragon.
“We’re supposed to be living in a society where gender equality is well-established and an absolute norm (for the purposes of this article I’m talking about educated, urban SA, mostly in the corporate space).”
And how many people would that include exactly? Say 100,000. And from that you extrapolate to a truth of gender equality for the rest of the millions of women living in poverty and getting their faces punched in and bodies raped? Gee, for a market researcher your grasp of statistical extrapolation is appalling.
“Please be gentle with me — it’s my first time …”
What is this? Some high school boy’s fantasy about how girls ask not to be treated roughly during their first sexual encounter? And some smart arse attempt at drawing a parallel between a discussion of women’s rights and your argument? Let me tell you many young girls experience sex: it usually involves force, has not gentleness anywhere, and often involves a relative or a trusted friend. Punch you in the face is more likely how it goes.
Explain to me, please, how 1 privileged woman’s success in Hollywood can possible lead you to conclude that sexism is waning and feminism moribund?
And what differences do you mean are difference to celebrate in this dualistic fantasy you’ve created? IQ? Income? Division of child-rearing responsibility? Right to vote?
Heheheh. Thanx for the amusing look at the hypocracy of “gender equality” – I enjoyed that.
Enjoyed the article
Currently find myself in a situation where I’m in my late 20′s and meeting woman that are a tad older than me,3 years max, but that are far more progressed in their careers and earning multiples more than I do…..
Bit difficult to wear the pants in the relationship when she’s buying them for you
So my question is what to do about a situation like this?
I believe the monetary aspect plays a big role in the male/female debate.
Personally I dont feel emasculated dating a girl that earns more than me, in fact I think it’s great ( …stay at home dad and time to focus on the golf game with the kids dropped off at the creche
) but it does shake up the traditional male/female relationship just a tad….
How would this affect a Marriage?
How is she supposed to get a man? Pheromones! Anyhow, the biggest issues IMAO in RSA right now for feminists I would imagine would would be the pay difference for equal work, and rape…
Well said. We all know that the feminist demands are from the lesbian left. Yes there should be womens rights. Yes there should be equal pay for equal work but gender equality is something different.
It always amazed me that there is this call for equality but women as get preferential treatment such as “..maternity leave, flexi-time, and feminine hygiene disposal facilities in our unisex toilets..”.
Now if we are equal why is this necessary? If a woman wishes to have a career she should give up the right to bare children.
Time for the feminist to admit that equality is a political tool that is not based on rationality.
As long as we have male/female toilets (or adjusted unisex facilities) and male/female Olympics, Tennis events and so on, the world has accepted that men are different from women.
How different is a good question.
Different is not necessarily in the line of “good, better, best”.
The recent story around one of our Athletes is the best proof that the “difference” matters in certain environments.
Ungentlemen, I respond.
1. Suggesting a woman who disagrees with you gets “laid” “good” is corrective rape. It is the same logic used to discipline lesbians whom insecure straight, violent men fear. Don’t believe me? Watch 3rd Degree.
2. Feminism is made up of many different branches. Radical lesbian separatists are a tiny minority. Not that it is any of your business but I am not a radical lesbian separatist, but I am a feminist. And I will speak up when someone tells me and the millions of women in this country that our lower salaries, heavier child-bearing responsibilities, lack of education, greater likelihood to get raped is OUR OWN FAULT.
3. Argue with facts. Every statistical piece of evidence supports the conclusion that there is a structural patriarchal order. A girl is 3x more likely to be raped in South African that to finish high school. And who is raping her? It sure as hell isn’t her mother or sister.
4. You are quick to point fingers when it is you who is asked to change.
Feminist and proud.
….and when the ladies tee off from the same tee as men do, then they can become full voting members of our golf club.
How absoultely predictable. All the men love you – and the woman who tackles you on a serious level gets told she needs a good lay. Well guys, you just went some way towrads demonstrating just why feminism is NOT passe.
Matthew, until you understand the difference between sameness and equality, you are not really qualified to add to the sum of the world’s understanding on this topic.
And until you realise that, even in the tiny crust of comfortable high-earning suburbia you limit yourself to, women are STILL earning significantly less than men for the same job, and STILL do significantly far more of the work that makes life comfy for men, you will never understand why those ‘chicks’ rooted for the ex-wife.
Finally, even kery doesn’t quite get it right. Although she’s perfectly right to be turned off by your plea to ‘please be gentle with me’. It’s not just the poor who experience rape and brutality from men – I used to counsel women in wealthy homes who had been severely beaten routinely, and there are as many rape survivors statistically among the middle class as the poor. Lesbina lefties are not responsible for this behaviour: men are. And the fight is not over till we ALL have equal opportunities, equal say, equal pay, equal safety, equal respect, equal leisure.
@Hugh Robinson
Oh boy, now its the Lesbian Left – gee last time I checked, in much of the west, men also get paternity leave – is that also from the Lesbian Left? Many women who get high up in corporations to decide not to have children, as having children tends to ruin careers, irrespective of competence, especially in engineering.
Anyhow [off-topic], I read Forsythe – aside from some silly remarks about Gaza and South Africa, he’s quite good. At one point, he makes the acute observation that one shouldn’t assume that no atrocities occurred just because a military leader claims as much. I’ll extend that a wee bit, and say (wrt Rwanda) that one shouldn’t assume that a military leader that shows atrocities is not party to those atrocities, especially Romeo Dallaire.
Finally, I’m in the process of setting up a guide to setting up one’s own spreadsheet to model various aspects of global warming/greenhouse effect, so maybe another month, and I might send that the next time we cross paths…
BTW – are you by any chance the Hugh Robinson who attended M.O., and later R.B.H.? I attended M.O. in the late 80s, and I thought I’d check (if you have no idea what I’m talking about, then its someone else).
Of course! Why can’t we all just get along? Silly women, complaining about those meagre differences in pay. Dumb ladies, who don’t realise that the helpless men can’t help themselves when faced with their short skirts and low cut blouses.
You yourself refer to the way we encourage boys and girls to act differently – gender is a performance. But it’s one thing to laugh at the fact that boys braai while girls make salad, but another thing entirely to deal with the daily realities of pay discrimination and horrifying rape statistics.
Yes, well, I suppose it is I who is in need of a good lay. Now where do I…..
I am all for total and complete equality between the sexes, but there is simply no escaping our differences. And Kery Day – I was simply wishing you a good time with whomever you may fancy. There is nothing wrong with all you say, excepting that your tone points to anger and frustration. I was merely suggesting a remedy, and not your surmising corrective rape. Sort of proved my point.
Matthew – Would you be Ok if you were a woman? would you write the same blog?
I know you stated rural women do not concern you but I will tell you about their fate anyway. I was born in the rural areas where a male child is god.The role of the female is to cook and scrap for the male . My only responsibility was to look after the cattle . I was given priority to all education. What I am saying is the female child was always in my wake.
As for sex well a woman who said yes to sex was a tart and therefore always said no. In fact every girl who had sex was raped the first time.Raped by first world definition seduced by the villages definition thats why if the girl got pregnant the guy would pay “seduction damages”
Would I have wanted to be a female in that world . NO- and I would not want my daughter to grow up in that world.If that means supporting feminism so be it.
I have issues with some of the things done in the name of feminism I think females want to exploit both end of the spectrum.What exactly is the purpose of a lapdance if not to arouse you then leave you for a cold shower.. I console myself with viva la difference among the females themselves.
But is that a reason to stamp down on the woman all the time?
2Nicole: “that boys braai while girls make salad, but another thing entirely to deal with the daily realities of pay discrimination and horrifying rape statistics”
……all discrimination starts at the braai!
Pay differences are an economic issue: “supply and demand” or “willing buyer, willing seller”
Rape statistics are the mirror of a violent society out of control, not just a female issue; men and boys are also raped.
hetero,
No not all the men buy this childish drivel. Having heroes from the movies is baby stuff. Our heroes as SOuth Africans should be Nelson Mandela, Mampele Rampele, John Smit, Baby Jake, Natalie du Toit, Mark Shuttleworth etc. One daughter and he knows men and women are that differentas regards energy and adventure. Tell that to Elton John with Helen Zille as back up. But I agree and obviously men and women are different but can still be equal. Petty issues can be debated but the underlying South African way of using brute physical violence without thought puts women at a disadvantage.
Well put – and not just because I’m male.
I truly think that one has to be an idiot not to notice that males and females, of almost any age, are different. Our 20th/21st century society is really shooting itself in the foot and making life impossibly difficult by trying to say otherwise. As you say, “Let’s celebrate our differences …” – but wait!
Let’s not fall into the same traps into which so many societies have fallen so many times before. Firstly, while obvious difference does mean that there are certain things that most women or men can do better than other women and men, it does not mean that one is better/has more value, than the other. What it does mean is that we can work together as men and women, both individually & corporately, to allow women & men to express their strengths. Secondly, this is not a “control thing”. Here is a news-flash, when it comes to gender, neither men or women (as a group) need, or even should be in control. Once again, let’s play to our strengths, whether as individuals, or as gender groups, for our own and each other’s benefit as various situations indicate.
Viva la difference! Now play nicely!
@haiwa tigere
Thanks for pointing out the truth of your African culture. Now we understand why we have such a violent country, and why Zuma thinks he can blame his womanising and adultery (not only polygamy) on his ‘culture.’
This is the real war of the sexes and utterly horrific.
Woman who strive to be equal to men are aiming too low…
Yes ofcourse the sexes are inherently different, that does not mean that working towards gender equality is a fallacy! Feminism attempts to prevent discrimination due to these inherent differences, there is never any pretence to be the same as men. Androgeny would be as boring as hell anyway.
@Benzol It is true, men also get raped. Rape in any form, used against anyone, is a violent and reprehensible act and one against which I rage. The victimes of rape are, however, overwhelmingly female. Pointing that out does not detract from the overall horror of the act.
It is easy to say that feminism has no place in today’s society. That women “naturally” gravitate towards lower paying, lower status positions and thus cannot expect the same remuneration. Being blind to privilege is one of advantages of privilege itself.
I promised myself I wouldn’t reply to the comments, although thank you, I have enjoyed reading them. Just wanted to clarify one thing – the “Please be gentle with me — it’s my first time …” at the end of the piece is not a coy or provocative reference to anything other that this was my first online blog
)
@ Hugh Robinson
There are a few books that you might find enlightening. “The Natural Superiority of Woman” was first published in 1952 and is still in print. The author was the bio-anthropologist Dr. Ashley Montagu–a man. His research was thorough and–maddeningly for men in general and Montagu’s male peers in particular–based mainly on the work of male scientists so he could not be accused of bias from female sources.
“The Descent of Woman” by Elaine Morgan is an alternative theory of evolution beginning with the first couple. Witty and intelligent.
If you have the stomach for it, there is also “Misogynies” by Joan Smith. It is a very disturbing look at male-female relations.
If you are not a reader, rent a copy of “Tootsie”. Dustin Hoffmann is hilarious and concluded that being a woman was far more difficult than being male. Watch the film to find out why.
What do women want?
Full custody of their own bodies at all times.
To be treated equally in reality as well as in law. Equal pay is still not a reality.
Not to be penalised for having children and conversely not to be criticised if they don’t want children.
To be able to walk free in the world, day or night, accompanied or alone. That means no stalking, no rape, no leering, no harassment. Just the right to walk this earth unharmed.
Is that so hard to understand?
A laugh a minute! Guess what? All girls are different to each other. All boys also.
Obviously no one’s equal. Would you pay someone with a below-average IQ the same as someone with a high one, plus inititative, excellent working drive and brilliant communication and management skills?
Having had the privilege of growing up in a family where both genders were expected to perform at their best, I can assure you we all cooked, ironed and even embroidered at some stage of our lives.
Payment in our jobs was more according to how we then performed in our chosen careers. My brother received the best education because he was awarded a scholarship, not because he was male. He worked harder than the two girls to achieve the benefits it provided.
And how any of this relates to rape, escapes me. Rape is something civilised people don’t do, to either gender. The sentence for murder doesn’t depend on which gender the victim was, but the degree of violence, premeditation, etc.
Having said that, my one gripe is that being single is an expensive business, simply because providing everything on one salary is less easy than on two. I pay for everything from hammering in nails to fixing washers, but there’s nothing to stop me learning to do both; I just have enough on my plate being one person, thanks. And anyway, I haven’t yet found a cute enough tutor!
@ Siobhan
Dear god, Yes! “Not to be penalised” and “free to walk the earth unharmed”… I’ve never heard it articulated like that. Felt like you were describing the deepest wishes of my soul – as an intelligent, loving, strong woman – the wish to live without fear, in all aspects of life. Perhaps the wish of all South Africans, men and women both…
it is a higher time now that ,both sexes stop playing victims to abuse or get advantage out of gender equality,
If you are a lady ,you are obvious equal to gentlemens , but when you ask gentlemen to treat you like a lady, you start to manipulate gender equality,and play victims to selfenrich at the expence of your sex, abusing the previous stence for women.
As far as work is concerned, women and men are ofcourse getting paid according to the jobs they do which is nothing to do with gender, but work done and industrial related , no men faulty based.
If you are single is not a mans fault, as single man dont blame their status on women either. each sex has to stand the test of what they stand for without reversing on blame culture, that doesnt hold.
@Mathew:
1. The is a difference betweem Equality and sameness. Had your argument been that men and woman are different, I would have been more sympathetic. But to say men and women are not equal is another thing. I will assume that you meant men are superior from here onwards, but I would like to note upfront that you don’t at any stage explicitly state that. For all I know, you believe women are superior.
2. Some people of each sex display traits that are typically expected from people of the other. I am an aggressive, intelligent, analytical and hard working woman. Yet a woman I am. Should I be judged and remunerated on what I do or my sex? Should my employer allow me 4 months maternity leave or scramble to find and train a less able man to do my job? Which will cost them more?
3. I’m sure your wife does not contribute the same things as you to your family unit. How do you judge that your contribution is superiour to hers? Have you told her that her contribution is inferiour? Would you even dare? Could you carry your own child to term? I can carry mine and provide for them. You cannot do the same. I’m not going to say your contribution is inferiour, because I dont think it is.
All women want is to treated as adults, with respect. We dont want to be babied, coddled, or treated with condecision.
Unfortunately Matthew- in many culture (that in effect make up our globalised world today) rights ARE in fact denied to women based on their gender. I am a capetonian muslim and as a result of that I cannot become a leader in the mosque (you seemed to have conveniently left that out in your comprehensive list of how women can do everything) and if I choose to be married I will not be part of my ceremony. yes old gripes with a religion often seen as ‘backward’ but this is so much less to do with spirituality and more to do with male power. So, no, I would say that feminism, in every hue is valid and needed in so many contexts, to dismiss it as passe is ignorant of realities people have to face (whether we like it or not)