OK, admit it, you have thought of this yourself or found yourself in a situation where this might be applicable. You know the candidates — the little shits who think they are better than everyone else.
You know, the ones driving in the fast lane on the highway, talking on the mobile, texting at the same time and driving 35km slower than they should. You think to yourself: why is this person not moving out of the fast lane? They are just being obnoxious.
Or the person at the grocery store with two full carts who tries to check out at the express lane. To make matters worse, they then proceed to argue with the person at the till about why they should be allowed to use the express checkout lane.
How about the ever-so-important people on the cellphone? You know the ones, screaming at the top of their voices for everyone to hear the conversation. These are the people who should spare us and just ask “do you know who I am?”
I must also admit that as a teenager — if I were to follow this line of thought — I was a candidate as well. I have former high school classmates who till this day will not speak to me. My high school headmaster would have gladly volunteered me for this action, possibly on a weekly basis.
Life would be so much simpler without these people — tell me you have not at one point had this thought. The other group is the men with baggy pants. If you are older than 12, you should not be wearing baggy pants. The same goes for the 35-year-olds wearing a cap backward. What about the wonderful people who think their music taste is so great that they feel the urge to share it with the rest of us.
These are my candidates for retroactive abortion.
How about the know-it-all people. There is not a question they do not have an answer for, even if what comes out of their mouths is utter drivel. I once worked with such a person. When they didn’t know the answer they felt the need to start the sentence with “to begin, to start, to commence”. This always validated for me that there is a need for this retroactive action.
The other class of candidates is the folks on the road who will cut in front of you in traffic and then have to slam their brakes when there is nowhere to go. The other class is the ladies with extra-long nails. How do they wash their ears? How do they maintain hygiene after visiting the loo.
Folks driving Hummers? This just screams to me, candidate. You have so much money that you have to prove it to all of us. Electric car drivers, you care so much for the environment that you have to drive a Prius. These are my candidates. Folks who complain on a plane because there is a baby crying as their ears pop. As well as the parents who will not reprimand their brats who kick your seat on a plane continuously without intervening.
The nudists who really should not be nude also qualify. These are the people who know they should not be assaulting our sense of sight. In my head, if Victoria Secret is not for you, then please do not go nude. The notion of a naked lady is very exciting. But a naked lady with severe love handles is not that exciting and since you do not understand I qualify you.
The politicians who continue to pillage and feed at the trough as the poor continue to struggle on a daily basis. Civil servants who find it hard to disappear, not thankful they are being offered R1.6 million to go away. BEE-connected beneficiaries. For they pocket illicitly what they do not deserve. This money could be used to feed several township residents or at the minimum provide two meals per household for several years. People who belong to racist organisations like the Black Management Forum, which has the power to influence but is silent when corruption is exposed. It does not take members who are inept to task but now finds a voice to support the media tribunal.
Someone out there is saying I am a candidate as well, and they are probably right.
I think anyone who has lived long enough has done and continues to do atleast one of this things. Maybe what you meant is that the human race as a whole should cease to be.
Oh my word, me and my colleagues had a good afternoon laugh!!!!
We seem to share the same dislikes here, Lucky! Can I add all the people who refuse to honour the rules of the road and nearly run over my little car because I am obeying the speed limit? They then go on to cause horrific accidents on the N1 at Malibongwe and other places.
Let me commence by saying…hahahh!!
Seriously, as i was reading this, i mentally started adding to your list (I agree with all the above by the way)
Nice little (truthful) rant for a Friday. Thanks!
Superb one.
Now all of the above is correct and yes you are right about the BMF as well, they don’t expose corruption.
So to add my one is the people(read ladies), who thinks the world revolves around them and they are soo self obsessed that they don’t look where they are going, they will bump into other people even the disabled simply because they are too focused on whether they look good and whether they are walking them heels properly.
And at the bottom of it is deep insecurity. But it does seem to be the road where these failed abortions do their stuff.
At risk of being labelled a know-it-all, I could add many thousands to this list, but let me settle for less.
Strikers who intentionally harm people and property; strikers who behave like pigs; strikers who don’t realise they are lucky to have jobs at all; strikers who don’t allow those of their peers who want to, to work; strikers who demand outrageous increases and particularly in the case of the public service, many of their bosses who are simply underhand and corrupt.
Just another sign that there are way too many people on the planet. Intolerance rises as people increase. Guess what holds for atoms in a flask equally holds for people. Take a break away from it all, a rural village will do the trick. Hope I annoyed you by having an answer. My chief pet hate is people who don’t care and couldn’t be bothered to learn, oh yes, and city 4×4 (compensator) drivers. All healthy bodies are cool once give up the Fashion mag, warped ideal of bodies.
Oh and people who spent small fortunes to lose weight but nevertheless keep stuffing their faces. In fact all forms of excess annoys.
Gilbert & Sullivan were way ahead of you. listen to the song “I’ve got a little list” from the operetta The Mikado : “I’ve got a little list of society offenders whenever would be missed, I’ve got a little list…..”
Moaners United here I guess.
Hahaha! Since turning 50, Ive stopped wearing baseball caps, never mind which way round, and I now wear naturally baggy T-shirts instead of baggy pants. But, shit, Id LOVE a Hummer…
Great, we all tend to show anti-social behaviour because we have not been taught what social behaviour is. That is especially true in an anarchistic society such as ours.
Ah, Lucky, I see you have discovered the late George Carlin, a wonderfully insightful comedian who is much missed.
If anyone wants a good, healthy dose of reality then go out and find yourself as much of George Carlin’s material as you can.
YouTube is a great place to start.
Add to the list the Volvo driver I almost met by accident at a traffic circle. It was a full size roundabout, not one of the little mini traffic calming variety. He came barrelling through the yield sign “guarding” his entrance to the traffic circle as I was circling around to the next exit in the circle. Yes, I had right of way, but he was obviously in a hurry to get home after a hard day at the office. Fortunately I had noticed that he was not slowing down for the intersection and stopped, thus preventing a coming together, and hooted at him. He merrily carried on without slowing down. When I later interviewed the gentleman and pointed out that I had had right of way and that it was only my action which had prevented a collision, he airily dismissed my anger at his recklessness with, “Oh, but I said I was sorry.” I gather he had waved an apology at me as he disappeared down the road while I was stationary in the intersection. And if I had not stopped in time and he had killed me I suppose he would have apologised to my widow and son with the same negligent wave of his trotter, bought another airbag-equipped Volvo on the insurance money within a week and continued his self-centred life. Retroactive abortion? YES!!
Hmmm…
Can I add to the list:
People who have impromptu family reunions in shopping malls, blocking the path ahead for anyone and everyone behind them.
People who stop in doorways of public venues to look at, oh, the weather, perhaps?
Left-wing loonies and right-wing radicals.
Idols contestants (If you could sing, honey, you won’t need a pokey reality show to coax it out!)
Robert Mugabe
BMW Drivers. Why is it that the true pinnacle of assholity is the BMW? (Though to be fair, Audi is taking a bit of market share from BMW in this regard).
Blue Bulls supporters. (I shudder at the thought of blue-painted ring-through-the-nose drunk Afrikaners.) Is that what happened to my people?
Spokesmen. From any institution or any party. your mere existence melts my fillings.
You gotta luv this guy especially when he says “But a naked lady with severe love handles is not that exciting and since you do not understand I qualify you.”……he’s too hellarius for my intellect.
Public transport, or, the lack thereof.
I recently watched an episode of Top Gear where they showed that an M3 is more economical than a Prius been driven at high speeds. moral of the story: its not what you drive but how you drive thats important.
Wow.. What a load of narrow-minded, self-important drivel. Certainly, inconsiderate people are annoying, and bad drivers dangerous, but why does it matter what people wear (or don’t wear)?
Who should be the person that proscribes everyone’s attire? Should a committee be assembled to determine how much of each person’s body may be exposed according to their fitness level? Should a tribunal be established to deem how everyone styles and colors their hair? Should we all be clones of the author?
Better than retroactive abortion would be a method to remove antiquated, obsolete and draconian ideas from people like the author. But then, someone would also have to decide whose ideas are meet these criteria …
Or maybe everyone could just learn from humanity’s collective mistakes as society progresses? Oh, I guess that’s already happening, albeit a lot slower than I am comfortable with.