On the occasion of my 28th birthday in March this year, the message from my mother was slightly different from that of years gone past: “Happy birthday son. You know I’m now eagerly anticipating the day you bring someone home and of course, also looking to hold your child in my hands.” From where I come from, her anxiety is understandable. I’m the last boy in the family (the legacy of the family name is under threat) and I’m the only one who remains unmarried and childless.
What my mother didn’t know as she delivered this message is that since the beginning of the year, when almost everyone is high on new year’s resolutions, I had been thinking about finally settling down and, of course, starting a family. But this was not, by any chance, a new year’s resolution; it was much more. I really don’t know what it is but something turned inside of me and my perspective on marriage and family shifted in a big way.
Surprisingly, I have found myself at peace with these thoughts. I am surprised because two years ago, like most guys I guess, I would balk at the thought of a lifetime commitment. I had many good reasons to, among them that I wasn’t earning enough, my career needed to come first and, of course, that I had not yet met the right person. Perhaps the biggest reason was that it just wasn’t time because, it seemed, I had a whole load of life and time ahead of me.
I still do.
As a predictable birthday gift to myself every year, for the past six years, I take an HIV test. When I started this practice, the philosophy that motivated me was that the most important thing in life was to stay alive. It still is. But, the messaging and medical advances around HIV/Aids have evolved a great deal and to test positive for HIV no longer means the burden of carrying a death sentence over your head. So, in that regard, the HIV tests have become a lot more bearable for me in recent years. Yet the questions, anxieties and fears in that consultation room remain. What if…?
Staying alive requires one to also lead a lifestyle that does not glorify self-destructive behaviour such as overeating unhealthy food, excessive drinking of alcohol, improper use of drugs, lack of physical exercise and of course, uncontrolled sexual activity. As one gets older in age, your body rewards you for the way you have treated it. Fact.
My desire to start a family has also led me to question my motives. Why do I want to have children? Do I seek to perpetuate my father’s name? Do I want to please my ageing mother? Do I want to gift the world with the next genius and innovator? Do I want to mean something to someone as a parent? Am I being weighed down by society’s expectations, no matter how vague and false they are?
I’m not sure. And I love the uncertainty because until I hold this child – my child – in my hands, hopefully, I cannot truly tell what is and what is not about my desire. The mother, undiscovered as she is, may feel differently. That said, I guess the broader responsibility for me and her will be to raise a child whom we are willing to give up to the African continent so that he or she can be all that they will dream to be.
While South Africa celebrates Youth Day on June 16, the rest of Africa celebrates Day of the African Child.
This continent has moved from being described as hopeless at the turn of the century to a worthy contender in the global economy. The best is yet to come but perhaps we need to be content with the possibility that the fullest potential of Africa may not be realised in our lifetime but in that of our younger ones.
If that is true – and most indications are that it is – we might have to urgently move beyond the empty sloganeering in child-raising; telling children that they are leaders of tomorrow and in so doing, delaying their potential and postponing their visions and dreams because tomorrow actually never comes – and for good reason!
Rather, it is important that all parents, prospective parents like myself, and guardians begin to pay more attention to Africa’s needs in industry, politics, social services (especially health and education) and sport, areas in which productive leadership is required, and begin to mould, through their children, active citizens who are not afraid to engage with and participate in spheres of life that will ultimately influence their own well-being and, consequently, the well-being of Africa.
Maybe in future then, the Day of the African Child will stop being about merely presenting children as victims and raising awareness of children’s rights – which is important – but also about celebrating the immense value of the currency children add to this rising continent.
It is the least we can do, for posterity’s sake.
Lovely piece. And great to note your adherence to responsible living habits. I have two such youngsters here: one, a lodger, is from Kuruman and about your age. My son is a few years older. I gain tremendous pleasure from the astute decisions they take on most occasions and I am quite certain your mother is incredibly proud of you. If the present age group of which you are all part can better its outlook on life to some degree, it will have achieved. No matter what fairy stories ww tell the babies, we cannot all be president!
What Africa needs most is Birth Control – then the existing African Child will have less competition and a better chance of a future.
@ Levi. A very good read. Sounds like you’d make a great dad.
@ Lyndall. Couldn’t agree more: Especially when it comes to parents who are indigent, who cannot afford to house, educate or even feed children – and don’t stop having them … very often also infecting them with HIV – and leaving them to be ‘child parents’.
‘if you can’t feed ‘em, don’t breed em.”
Africa needs birth control in order to free adults to enjoy more sex in more responsible and honest ways. I’m of the view that Africa needs even more children. Many an African child is today too comfortable in a less competitive environment compared to the rest of the progressive industrialized world. Killer competitive survival instinct is almost unknown to many an African child. The African child is prevented from developing the killer competitive spirit because he/ she is either deliberately prevented from that by archaic traditional practices still uncritically practiced in the name of “African culture”; or simply because life is so slow and non-challenging in a supposedly environment of plenty. Make more children to put pressure on the currently docile, spoilt, over-protected, and complacent African child. It’s important to remember also that population growth is not all about how many children are born, it’s about how many of the children who are born survive. Therefore, Africa must have lots of faithful and safe sex; and make sure that the many planned children to be born all overcome infant/ child mortality challenges. Look to India and China, people!
Thanks a lot guys.
@MLH – that’s just the thing, and i’m quite encouraged to note that i’m not all alone in this space because sometimes, nay, a lot of times, it does feel like that.
@Lyndall & @Civilised Culture – Absolutely. I’ve been scared, for instance, at what i’ve seen in Namibia and Malawi – education on family planning becomes vital in the greater scheme of things.
@Simon – You said it all.
Levi you give me hope. I raised two sons and now have the pleasure of seeing the hard work pay off. To be honest, we just taught them to be sensible. Two non negotiable rules. No drinking and driving, and safe sex. They adhered to both. I am now the proud granny of two and I am absolutely delighted and gratified at the pleasure my son is gaining from his children – he too was ready to settle and I saw quite clearly that the “nesting instinct” had kicked in. He met a lovely girl and the rest, as they say, is history. His responsibility for his own life has made it the most natural thing in the world to accept responsibility for his children’s lives as well.Very best wishes.
@Hopeful – Wow. You must be a very proud mother. It’s parents like you who make all the difference and quite clearly, you have established a lasting legacy in your family. I pray it continues…
I loved this Levi! I’m turning 26 later this year and my mom’s last visit had a messages leaning towards everything you say. No, I’m not planning to be a father anytime soon and I made it clear. The woman just seems to be under pressure to be a grandmother! My aunt – her sister – would join the fray and blurt ‘kids just happen!’ I was outraged and was in no uncertain terms clear that not in my world does that happen. With a billion people living in Africa, birth control couldn’t be more important now more than ever.
@Levi – Thank you!
I’ve never really understood the fuss about people making or not making children. Children will be made any way, any Nature Studies school pupil will tell of that. How many fish are fussed about about the need to swim in the water? Procreation is a fate of all living organisms. What amazes me is that Black Africans are said to be the oldest people on earth, yet the current African population is far outstripped by China’s alone. The latter fact despite the age-old pressure on POOR African children to make many children at the earliest possible, as quickly as possible. Expanding on @MLH & @Hopeful, what we need most is to teach and encourage our children to aspire for extra-ordinary things in life, inducing in them at the earliest possible all-round intellectual, academic, and spiritual sophistication; laying lasting emphasis on discipline, as well as the golden virtue of ability and willingness to take responsibility for one’s own actions, and consequences of one’s own choices. Responsible African parents and other adults must instill the importance of focus (-ing) on the right and relevant things, ambition, future-orientation, creativity; as well as the value of wealth creation, management and sustenance. In short, leading by example, African adults must emphasize real total, uplifting and life-supportive self-management skills. Then issues of forced marriages, unwanted pregnancies, and disease could be minimal. Make those children; teach, raise them…
Good read this! Keep on keeping on. You taught me to blog and i will forever cherish you. Wish you many more blessed years ahead