Comments on: Who loves the abuser?

By: Justin McCrann

Justin McCrann — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 10:28:41 +0000

The many forms of abuse are there for all to see, yet seldom do outsiders see, or indeed want to see them. They are only revealed in words when the ‘abused’ wishes them, or feels safe enough for them to be so. But to some degree it is on display all the time, its just a question of knowing what signs to look for.

I myself, like Jon, was both physically and mentally abused as a child and indeed to some point as a young adult. Whilst i have dealt with the whole thing in my own way, i feel as tho this has made me a very much stronger person, hence my possible career choice. But i am one of the lucky ones it seems.

Unfortunately it seems, to be an abuser is thought to be a learnt behaviour. it carries on through the generations until that one person stands up and says NO. I like to think I am that person, so i know it can be done. With this in mind, is it truly a learnt behaviour or is it a choice that all abusers consciously make??

By: Lee van Zyl

Lee van Zyl — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 09:58:25 +0000

I am so pleased to hear that Harry is okay.
Thank you for replying

By: Jon Cayzer

Jon Cayzer — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 13:51:54 +0000

I would like to thank everyone who left a comment here and wrote to me privately. Again, I am amazed at people’s “generosity of the human spirit”: a truly SA characteristic if I may so.

Yes, Lee van Zyl – Harry was okay. In fact, everyone mentioned – or alluded to – are, I understand, doing just fine.

Jon

By: Lee van Zyl

Lee van Zyl — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 12:29:52 +0000

It is a sad thing that when a child is abused they took it out on their pet which in most instances was their dog.
Having never experienced any abuse as a child and being brought up in a loving home, I do have difficulty in understanding, that is until I think of the times when something has upset me at work and how I will have a short temper when I am at home with my loved ones. It is at these times that I am impatient and lash out with salcasm. Fortunately this does not happen often and I do try to control my temper.
So yes we all have the ability to hurt, when we are hurting.
Truly a sad story, may I just add being a dog lover, was Harry okay?

By: ANDILE

ANDILE — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 08:44:14 +0000

Very moving and an emotionally touching article.It reminds me of how I physically abused my cousin who stayed at my home.I used to beat her,throw chairs at her etc.My parents stayed in Cape Town and visited us during December holidays.She ran away in 1994 and I never saw her again.To think she left because of my abuse haunts me.I do not know how to deal with it.I was naive but the effects and memories of that have been devastating om me.I know where she is.How do I reconcile with her.Thank for the good blog ,Jon.

By: katya

katya — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 20:39:54 +0000

Amazing words put in perspective–thank you Jon.
I was emotionally abused by Mother dear(her issues were with her father, having only found this out last year after 65 years of her anger). Physically abused by Daddy (an Army chap with a mean belt!). Convent educated too! I decided not to have children (as with my elder sister)so as to “break the cycle”. Yet sadly my younger sister has continued the nonsense by her anger towards her children. The old adage of “what goes round comes round springs to mind. Forgiveness is an attribute well worth persuing.

By: mandla

mandla — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 12:19:52 +0000

Everyone is entitled to grow up, mature and to be in a loving, meaningful sexual relationship. It is a right. Sexual abuse takes that away; it perverts a good thing; it distorts that; it violates that; and for many years after the criminal incident it stalks the victim and takes that away. It separates sexual pleasure from love and makes it an abominable act.

Ever felt the rush of sheer joy and pleasure when a loved one reaches for you! Imagine a life with that only thing about your humanity, to which you are entitled, being destroyed. maybe you can begin to imagine what rape and abuse does to people!

Jon speaks about that!

By: Sipho Smith

Sipho Smith — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 12:19:46 +0000

Thank you for your honesty. While trust can be broken and must be earned; we need to be lavish with forgiveness. The rest of our lives is ours and even if we never cross paths with our abuser again, bitterness, resentment & hate make us sick inwardly & outwardly and socially awkward.

By: Suburban Terrorist

Suburban Terrorist — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 11:25:35 +0000

Amazing words! Thanks Jon!

By: M3

M3 — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 10:53:45 +0000

O opile kgomo lenaka (you have hit it spot on)

I was abused physically and emotionally as a child by my mother , actually both my parents. In my case I feel no affection/allegiance for both of them today. I am numb and indifferent to their current suffering and woes. I still visit and chat to them but the deeper scars are very hard to remove even through therapy and prolonged sessions. All I can do is try to forgive and forget. My fear is that the chain of abuse clearly started years ago from my forebearers who transmuted it (as if its a gene) to my parents who in turn could have unwittingly given it to me. So who am I to abuse? I clearly remember hitting my dog called “Tiger” repeatedly and just generally being mean to him for a long time when I was not even more than 12 years old. Maybe the pain could be deeper. I have grown to have less trust in the next man in all facets of life that require a relationship of some sort. So you are touching on an issue that is very dear to me. The abuse from my parents made me have less feelings for a lot of things. Imagine how my lovers have suffered. Thanks.