Listen up all you telemarketers, banking consultants, conveyancing attorneys, and the like, because this one’s for you. Don’t, ever, call me “Mrs”, at least not before you’ve taken the trouble to ascertain whether I am, actually, married.
Let’s just take some time out and think about this. Calling someone you’ve never met before “Mrs” implies that you feel it is polite to infer that she is married. Why is that? Why is it that a professional woman, clearly of breeding age, must be assumed to be married?
I suspect it comes from Afrikaans, where there is only “mevrou” and “juffrou”, and “juffrou” is, perhaps, somewhat infantilising. Nevertheless, it bugs the hell out of me.
As it happens, I am married. But I’m still not “Mrs” Newmarch. I prefer to be called “Ms” Newmarch. This is a neutral term which makes no assumptions about my marital status, sexual availability, or lack thereof. I am not Mrs, as I have not chosen to change my name and don’t really see why anyone should. Calling me “Mrs” Newmarch implies that:
(1) I originally held another surname
(2) that I am not related by blood to other people called Newmarch
(3) that I was previously (or currently) married to someone other than my current spouse.
You’re probably reading this and wondering why I’m making a fuss about such a petty issue. But for me, it’s not petty. It’s about my identity, and my right to carry on bearing the name I was born with.
Our default assumption is still that women change their names when they marry. Though I haven’t done so, and know plenty of other women who haven’t, most of my friends have. But perhaps it’s worth remembering that not all societies expect the same. In Spain, children are given the names of both parents, and in Spanish-speaking countries women frequently retain their birth names.
In medieval England, the practice was different. Women retained much of their autonomy, even during marriage. When two families were allied in marriage, the surname of the more powerful family (whether groom or bride) was retained.
Among the working class, surnames were often derived through trades. So we get Baker, Miller, Black(smith), Smith, and so on. It’s often assumed that only men’s surnames were passed down. But the suffix “-ster” is actually a feminine one, and so we get Baxter and Webster, referring to female bakers and weavers. Ancestral names also survive, such as Marriott (from Mary) and Emmott (from Emma). (Thank you, Wikipedia!)
Then there’s the word “Mrs” itself. This is actually a contraction of “Mistress”, a medieval word used to refer to a mature woman — someone who was, y’know, mistress of her house, or the local inn, or whatever. This made no assumptions about whether or not she was married, which our modern term does. And calling someone mistress these days probably wouldn’t go down too well.
Having considered all this history, I choose to keep my father’s name as my own. One might as well start somewhere, after all, and it’s the name I’ve been born with and have carried all my life. It’s my identity. It’s part of who I am.
In my response to Gavin Foster, I said that women, unlike men, must choose between keeping their own name, thus possibly bearing a different name to their children, and changing their name to a new and unfamiliar one. It’s a choice every married woman must negotiate for herself — but I’d like a little less assumption while we do it. (The double-barrelled surname is one attempt to reach a compromise.) No one seems to expect my husband to change his name — and why, exactly, should that be?
So, telemarketers, lawyers, and everyone else whose first contact with me is over the phone or via email — just call me Ms. Or my first name, for that matter.
Fair enough. It’s just unfair to expect the rest of the world to have to wade through “Mmapusetso Manana Bakane-Tuoanne” every time they have to write her name.
Perhaps we can handle this a little differently – join the names and use the first three letters of each. That way Winnie Madikezela-Mandela can become Winnie Mad-Man. Quite apt.
I also resent being called “Mr” which makes assumptions about my sexuality. What if I were gay? In future I too demand to be addressed as “Ms’which allows nobody at all to assume anything whatsoever about me.
Except telemarketers. I don’t want them to address me at all.
Would you prefer ma’am?
I have a role reversal situation. I live in a partnership and am often referred to as Mr ‘partners surname’. We are assumed married by even work colleagues. I enjoy the embarrassed silence when we correct people.
My partner confuses more as she uses both her maiden name and her previous married name in official documents. ie passbook and drivers licenece in maiden name while the ID is in her married name. When Nedbank took over NBS she was 2 different people. What a mess.
I’ve given the name change decision much thought and I haven’t yet made up my mind. My partner and I plan to marry at some point in the future and I know it means a lot to him that I carry his name. truthfully, it means a lot to me too but I also don’t want to lose the name I was born with. I don’t really want to go the double-barrelled route so another option would be to take my birth surname as a middle name.
Whatever I decide, I doubt it will be an easy decision. Women’s names mean as much to us as men’s names do to them. Any man who thinks this is a trivial issue should ask himself how he would feel if he was compelled to give up his name at marriage.
It’s just unfair to expect the rest of the world to have to wade through “Mmapusetso Manana Bakane-Tuoanne” every time they have to write her name”
oh dear, can’t be having difficult to pronounce names now can we…?
Don’t you wish people would get this already? And big companies. (Here’s a little guest mention for Russells 2007 – they had to deliver my bed to “Mr ___”, because they didn’t have “Ms” on their computer system.
I fought with Sanlam over “Ms” for years in the 1990s. Their paperwork used to go haywire, they’d write to me as “the Hon. ___”.
Nowadays I’ve got less energy for this battle. I still get incensed sometimes when addressed as “Miss __” (and here’s a little mention for Edgars, and the new account that I opened with them in 2007 … Well, I thought it was me opening the account, and they thought it was some 41-year-old teenager).
Perhaps we should “name and shame”?
Oh, and there is an Afrikaans equivalent, it’s written “Me. ___” I just don’t know how you pronounce it.
Jane, it’s pronounced “Meh” – does that help at all? Short for mejuffrou, if my awful school Afrikaans hasn’t failed me.
As for the first response, from the delightfully quadruple barrelled gent: I suspect you’ll find gay men don’t think “Mr” compromises their sexuality, since it’s a gender thing. Don’t be offensive and assume that gay men want to be women, it just means people will pay less attention to your actual responses and will consider you a bigot. Just a thought.
seems like poverty exacerbates the socio-cultural patriarchal tradition, so women r forced take on the stronger dynamic in many third world countries – in Mali and many other African countries, certain tribes forbade their women from shifting surnames because the societies were matrilineal (though not matriarchal) in nature…In any case, its very cool to keep your own surname..
Ironically, in the U.S. for a man to change his name to his wife’s last name, he has to pay close to $300USD, and has to fulfill different requirements than what women have to. For a woman to change her name, all she has to do is go to the court house to file her marriage certificate and then change her name on her drivers licenses: all of which totals roughly $50USD in most states.
Now there’s a good reason for getting a PhD: sidestepping the Ms/Miss/Mrs debate altogether.
I love the look I get when people ask Mizzzz…? and I say “Dr”.
Thanks for all the comments. It’s always nice to see that someone took the trouble to read my musings.\
@Sarah – Good on you, Dr Britten! Love it.
@Reggie – Thanks for pointing out that discrepancy. I didn’t know that. In SA, while a woman may easily change her name to her husband’s (it’s relative, of course – don’t fancy being in the ID queue myself), it’s much harder for a man to change his. Home Affairs hasn’t really caught up to this aspect of gender equality, despite same-sex marriages (oops! civil unions) now being legal.
@Khadija – that’s an interesting question. Given the evidence in SA, I would say yes.
@Tash – I thought “mejuffrou” was simply a longer version of “juffrou”? Perhaps an Afrikaans speaker could help us out?
@Jane – definitely name and shame. I would love to see your list. And I think it’s disgusting that Russells, Edgars and Sanlam still don’t know about such a basic courtesy. (Though I wouldn’t mind being addressed as the Hon(ourable) etc).
@Anne – exactly!
@Odette – good luck with your decision. I hope your partner is understanding.
@Owen – I’d enjoy your situation too – though I don’t envy your partner’s admin battles. As to ma’am, I don’t mind it in some contexts, but in others, it has an uncomfortable exploitative ring.
And Gavine, dahlink, while I second Tash and Anne’s comments, combining two surnames (fashionable in America) to form a new one also has the unfortunate effect of losing the originals – precisely what many, myself included, would like to honour.
I agree with you – it’s bloody infuriating (although, I have to say, not as bad as being called Lady or Mama or Tannie, all three of which make me cringe, least of all because you have to be of A Certain Age to be called those. I use my own name, because it’s what I’m called, but I have to admit, with a blush, that I’ve reverted to Mrs Married Name on occasion when calling a plumber or moaning at Telkom or dealing with a bureauprat. Isn’t it sad that in the minds of officialdom ‘Mrs’ packs more of a punch than ‘Ms’ or (shudder) ‘Miss’?
What’s the fuss. You know who you are. And a title does not make you a better person anyway. As long as they get my name, marital status and gender right on my legal documents, I am cool.
I don;t need the world to validate who I am, unless I am somehow insecure about something. It wouldn’t hurt to correct someone politely, if they address you in a manner that you’re not comfortable with, as long as it is done politely.
There are more serious issues to worry about in this life.
Nonzuzo D. Diko-Brown
Mmapusetso Manana Bakane-Tuoane(PhD) was my professor while attending a university in the Eastern Cape. She is a very likeable, intelligent and well-respected lady. I am proud of her and loyalty to her heritage. Names send a powerful message. Let her keep her names. Since when did we become prejudiced about people’s names? This is getting to old and rusty.
Hey Anne,
I said “write” her name, not pronounce it. I pay for my own ink, you know….
hi joceylyn,
oh blunder, i didn’t buy the bed from russells, i bought the bed from lewis stores, it is they who don’t have “ms”.
and neither does vodacom, on their january letter, asking for update of particulars. they have a very limited selection, miss, mrs, mr, prof, adv and doctor.