During the World Cup, most flights in South Africa will be fully booked.
A warning to tourists who don’t speak fluent English. Don’t — I repeat don’t — book seats next to the emergency exits. Move away from these exits, for the sake of soccer.
I recently flew from Johannesburg to Port Elizabeth. An air hostess leaned across the row in front of me and asked the Chinese- looking gentleman if he understood English. He stared at her. “Sir, I need to know if you understand English. The person next to the emergency exit must understand the instructions of what to do in case of an emergency!” He stared blankly. “Sir, YOU ARE DELAYING THE PLANE!” She turned around. “Will anyone offer up their seat for this man and take on the door duty?” No one was willing to relocate. I considered for a moment. I had booked long in advance to secure my aisle seat or “bladder seat”. The air hostess was exasperated. “I will!” I volunteered. The Chinese man and I swapped seats and I took an oath to firmly pull down the door if ordered to. It was a proud moment. I was the appointed emergency door keeper. Country before bladder comfort and convenience. I later resisted the coffee and tried not to doze off in case of a sudden call to action. But what if the World Cup foreigners land next to these exits? Delayed planes, missed matches. Untold chaos.
And a warning to foreigners — don’t stress at the announcements in the airports. Ask someone to interpret for you. During my recent trip to South Africa, I heard the following over the intercom at OR Tambo International Airport: “Please proceed to chicken for body procedures”. I imagined a full-body scan at the Kentucky sign. (I later realised that she meant “proceed to the check-in for boarding procedures”.) More was to come. “Your flight has been delayed because the aircraft is … er … technical. I repeat, the aircraft is technical.” I choked on my R40 airport sandwich. For as long as I can remember, announcements at South African airports droned in “peg on the nose” style. I never understood a word. It’s 2010 and I’m still not sure what they’re trying to say.
Beware of the international departures security check.
“Let me check your hand luggage! Ahhh …” said the large bottomed officer, eyes gleaming (Lucky Dube’s twin bother? … as seen in The No 1 Ladies Detective Agency Series). Singing cheerfully and wiggling his bottom, he fingered my makeup and perfume. He settled on Happy and Sunflowers.
“Not allowed,” he said, nearly bursting with excitement. “I must confiscate these!” and he shoved them to one side.
“I want to speak to the manager!” I protested.
“Let me use my own discretion …” He reluctantly replaced my perfume but took an expensive face cream instead. The Indians girls behind me had a stand-up fight when he took their Nando’s sauce. “It could be used to blind the pilot,” he said, licking his lips. Infuriated, they stormed off. (So who gets the loot? Does SAA donate it to charity, perhaps?)
May the World Cup run smoothly. I don’t have a ticket but I’ve had fun preparing foreigners for the South African flights.
“(So who gets the loot? Does SAA donate it to charity, perhaps?)” Probably sold in a garage sale (“hangar” sale perhaps?) in an attempt to make SAA look profitable? Or perhaps bonuses for the staff who collect the items, similar to bonus plans for cops on amount of fines issued.
I thought that you had to be able to speak more than one language to be an international flight attendant. Obviously I am very out of date. Beginning to feel that we need at least Mandarin as an additional language
My recent experiences with SAA, which I flew domestically in SA after an abstinence of about a decade, have persuaded me that they probably have the worst staff in the world.
So what can we take onto the plane…
what a subjective article. i expected M&G journalism to be of a higher standard than this. firstly, people employed at airports do what they have to do. if aviation law states that people in front of the emergency exit must understand what to do when an emergency arises – then so be it! You, Jenny, will be the first person to point fingers when the proper procedures aren’t followed and it results in catastrophe. And by the way, please be considerate to the fact that black south africans don’t all have the ability to speak in your high-and-mighty crisp and clear accent. If people speak with different accents, it is your responsibility to learn what people mean when they say things that don’t necessarily make sense to you. What if that Nando’s sauce really was used to blind a pilot? you would be the first person to point out that the right procedures weren’t followed in order to prevent harmful actions. Procedures are there for a reason. it might not be easy to follow them but they ultimately make our lives easier. Places like airports are generally not nice places to be in. what i recommend is less cynicism and more constructive criticism. you’re complaining. everybody can complain, not everybody can come up with solutions…
So Judith, you expect South African nationals to be able to learn Chinese? Yeah right…
@ Jenny
It is equally dificult for an untrained ear to understand Australian English.
Negative comments from ex South Africans residing in Oz are just a tad irritating , even if what is said rings true.
They will never see a booking from me again! And I strongly recommend that all international passengers consider other international carriers.
I have often wondered what happens to the loot. I’ve lost seven nail files, one pair of scissors, a treasured Swiss army knife and three cork screws to airport security staff. There was never any kind of receipt issued so I can only assume they ended up in someone’s Christmas stocking or on a fleamarket table.
I think she expects airline staff to be able to deal with the public in a professional manner. What about the security guy who treats people’s bags like a lucky dip? You think thats ok? ‘Confiscates’ perfume until it looks like he might be reported, so settles for face cream? And you really think he was worried about 2 women blinding a pilot with a sauce bottle? Do SAA’s cockpit doors not get locked like every other airline on earth? Are you guys thick?
Having said that, there’s pretty much nowhere in the world where you can take a bottle of fluid onto a flight anymore. Most airlines and airports seem to be able to communicate this to their customers before they’re queueing up for the security check, though.
The impressive new airport buildings are only going to go so far to impress people if they end up waiting in them for untold hours because of incompetence. Worse still, a terrorist (maybe with a bottle of Nando’s sauce or even, god forbid, a whole chicken) sneaks on board while security is shaking down some old lady and flies the plane into Soccer City.
@Oneflew: Apparently you have never flown American Airlines…they take the cake for world’s worst in my book!
if they do not understand English they will not read your article. so yu better write it in Mandarin, french, Russsian etc otherwise its of no use to them
I must smile at this article however I do agree with the posters who defend the flight attendants actions. One may not carry more thann 100ml of liquid in your hand luggage if you are flying. Liquid refreshments are served on the planes and one is able to use the bathroom to wash your hands as well as being provided with things like handwipes.
@Mbuso: Mandarin is the most commonly spoken language in the world so learning it is a good idea. My son speaks 6 languages including an African one and Mandarin and is currently learning Arabic. It makes you more employable everywhere.
mbuso: I don’t think Jenny meant to judge anyone’s intelligence by the language they speak. She was just trying to be light-hearted. Works for some, not others.
Frankly, SAA has not been on my direct flight path for years. Not since the flight where Faith, Hope and Charity (I kid you not) the stewardesses, claimed my diabetic meal for themselves and insisted there wasn’t one for me. They didn’r realise I’d go past the galley on my way to the loo,now, did they?
And Jenny, we contemplated going to Europe for the duration of the World Cup, but we couldn’t afford the flights between Durban and Johannesburg!
Mike, I have flown American. Domestically in the US as well as internationally. SAA are worse.
@Judith
it wasn’t an international flight and the air hostess
surely spoke another language, her own mother tongue.
(doesn’t count hey? -thought not..)
Anyway I don’t have any sympathy with the ‘victims’ of handbag searches. We’ve had years to get used to this demand so if you still don’t get it then too bad..
How many million Rands does SAA lose every day, can someone please remind me? The luggage pilfering franchise holders are going to have a field day come July. Aloota con……….blah blah
i recently giggled to myself as a snobby looking Italian woman had to hand over all her expensive perfume at a German airport because she hadn’t managed to figure out the not very complicated 100ml rule. If you are too stupid to follow simple flight rules, you deserve to lose your goods. May the security officers wives have plenty of christmas gifts.
On a serious note:
I quote from the SAA website “Rules for taking liquids through security”:
Not allowed – overfilled open bag
Liquid containers over 100ml
Sharp items
Any non-liquid items i.e. lipsticks and solid deodorants should be placed directly into hand baggage as normal.
A tranparent re-sealable bag( 20cm by 20 cm) must be used for the liquids-the items must fit comfortably and it must be fastened closed and one bag is allowed per person
The sealed bag should fit into hand baggage,easily accessible for removal at X-Rays.
Hand luggage should be the following size: 56cm by 25cm by 45cm
My problem in the mentioned incident was that my perfume was the allowed 100ml and legal.
Perhaps I must add that that my SAA flight attendants were mostly fun and bubbly and the food was good.
May World Cup visitors have a great time. Sawubona!
I suppose the large bottomed officer used the perfume and ate the sauce…kudos on a job well done.