Bathing in the warm, fuzzy glow of pay day, my boyfriend and I decided to head out for a drink this past Friday evening. We had set out later than planned, and it was a dark but warm night. The roads were busy, and we made our way from Illovo towards Melville via Parkhurst. The place we were visiting was The Bohemian – a grungy, dimly lit joint in Melville frequented by skeezy old men, overdressed young (read underage) kids and a mix of music addicts from all backgrounds. It’s a joint that should be cheap, but drinks are normally priced and you get to listen to mostly average bands making some noise (though this Friday there was a very cool ska band, I must say).
That aside, we were driving down through Parkhurst when we saw an elderly lady slowly limping up the hill towards Rosebank. Her ankles were swollen and it appeared that one leg was longer than the other as she swung her thighs around one another to take each step. It was past 8:30pm, dark, and the roads were poorly lit. Her light blue shweshwe caught our car lights and both Mike and I watched her hobble gently across the road. “Shame,” we both murmured. We continued driving. A minute later we reached a roundabout. “Should we give her a lift?” Mike asked. I thought about it for a second, and then firmly replied, “Yes.” We circled around and Mike double parked while I ran up the road after her. She stopped and turned towards my footsteps and said, “I thought you were a tsotsi.” When I offered her a lift, all she could say was, “God will bless you.”
She got in the car, and we were on our way. We weren’t sure where she was going because she was saying “Crika park, by the River”. I asked if it was far away and she said, “No, just here.” She began to direct us, left and right through the poorly lit streets, past giant houses, ‘Outstanding Verges’ (if you’re from the Northern Suburbs of Joburg, you’ll get that one) and up and down the rolling hills of rich suburbia. We asked where she was going so late. She worked for a young man. His friend needed someone to feed his fish and his ducks while he was on holiday, so her employer had asked her to do this. Sans car. At night. On a Friday. Her employer’s house was about 6km away from the hungry fish and ducks. She would have walked 3km and then taken a taxi the remaining 3.
We managed to get very lost in these leafy green parts, with her determined directions, and eventually I asked her for the street name. She gave one that was on the other side of Jan Smuts. We were closer to the place she was going when we had started driving, and had to drive another 20 minutes to get there. It turned out Crika Park was Craighall Park. She spoke of how afraid she was to walk by the river, because of all the men who slept on its banks. We dropped her off and she introduced herself as Flora, pouring God’s blessings on the two atheists who had chanced to give her a lift. We turned around and began our journey back to the pub.
The following day we passed an elderly man, walking in the long grass past the river. Neither of us thought to give him a lift though I’m sure his journey was just as long.
Unequal gender relations mark men as violent. Who is not likely to simply be going on his way to feed some fish and a duck? I would never stop to pick up a male pedestrian or hitch-hiker. Flora could have been a gun-wielding hoodlum, but we never would have expected it. SA’s violent history and present make us fearful of men, cause us to gaze warily at each man who walks past us in the street wondering what he will do to us, particularly if we are women.
While unequal gender relations disadvantage women worst of all, they also disadvantage good men by making us think the worst of them.
Me thinks it balances itself out. Being a man or woman can be advantageous disadvantageous depending on a situation. If truth be told most men and women wouldn’t do sex change even if it was offered by the Creator with no strings attached.
why did you not give him a lift? i think you mean you didn’t think to give him a lift, bet your ‘boyfriend’ was too scared to suggest it for fear of being ridiculed and belittled by you.
Your writings undermine the integrity of this website.
I get the sense you are trying to square the circle here. Are you saying that unequal gender relations cause men to be violent? What about the higher testosterone levels which leads to bigger and stronger muscles and its link with aggressive behaviour? It is far more reasonable to suppose that men are more dangerous and violent because of inherent biological differences than some social construct. Unequal gender relations is the result of these innate differences, not a cause of it. Ignore biological reality at your own peril.
How patronising.
You had to throw in that you’re an atheist didn’t you?
Otherwise an encounter with a real South African woman encountering real South African day-to-day problems would have pulled the rug from under you and showed that you really have no real insight and no real experience, nor any right to comment – except for some apparent moral and intellectual superiority – about how the majority live their lives
Jen, are you getting soft? Whats up with the new enlightened view on gender?
The Praetor
If I lived in Jo’burg or any large city, I probably wouldn’t give lifts. But we live in the country, and the transport is really poor and frequently non-existent for most of the day, so I do give lifts to both men and women. However, I take a good look at them before stopping and so far have been lucky with my hitch-hikers. The last one was an eldery man who was delightful and shook my hand when he got out and, like you, I was the recipient of many blessings. (In spite of my agnosticism maybe they’ll add up somewhere) My husband thinks I’m mad to do it, however. Maybe he’s right and I’m just fortunate. I am ‘ageist’ though with men, and don’t usually stop for young ones. Now why is that?
DO wish public transport was better in this country.
You’re merely playing the testosterone odds. Nothing wrong with that. Keep on practicing it, and you’ll significantly improve your chances of survival in The NuSA.
Especially “skeezy old men”. Definition: sleazy; distasteful
Example: The alley was filled with skeezy old men.
Apology accepted if it is forthcoming…. Nice to think that when elder members of the community (who worked hard to feed families) go out for an evening drink at, let’s say The Bohemian, all the young feminist woman will have rethought their damaging prejudicial thoughts. Don’t think anything of it, your comment is forgotten.
Hi Jen, I always enjoy your blogs, so just ignore these grumpy old men comments.
I would have stopped for the older woman, yes, but I know not for the man. Somehow we do not think to do that and I am as you suspicious even if someone comes to the gate. I would not call it a problem of gender though, I feel your heading was maybe badly chosen. It is our crime problem which face it 99 out of 100 is committed by males. Black males and I am not being racist. I think we have to stop hiding behind white inc. and realise we have a huge problem in this country, but that is fro another blog another day, me thinks
@Marianne, grumpy is slightly better than skeezy as a sweeping statement about senior male citizens. I noticed the old woman was not called… can’t say it…. must euphemise…. “a youth challenged bovine”…. that would be intrenching prejudice wouldn’t it. Leaving to social stigmas… and it would!!!.
On your criminal racial profiling: There are more criminal wearing suits in Sandton than prowling the streets with cross-bars. But there are extenuating circumstances. Keeping woman in Mercedes benzes and designer jewelry is expensive and what’s a few corners to cut; a few inside trades; a few monopolies; a few market manipulations; a few hard sells of junk; a few commissions on hire purchases; a few polluted streams and disrupted communities near your mine..
Think of their poor woman and children and their needs: private schools, ponies, music lessons, sevants to assist with their heavy burden – it ain’t cheap.
It must be the pouring out of God’s blessings that persuaded you to write this article. He works in wonderful ways, especially with atheists…
This surprisingly much more balanced and less rabidly militant Ms. Thorpe. Dare I guess what caused this change. Nevertheless, this is sadly the world we Saffas live in……being a man has its pros and cons…..just like it is for being a woman.
Jen, bless you really, but seriously i don’t see anything to be guilty about, he was well bodied (it seems anyway) and the lady was struggling – makes sense to me..
@Marianne – disappointing comment, i thought for once i could read without race coming into play..
@Rod of Sydney – thank you..not forgeting fish and duck that need to be fed..
I had my wallet lifted by a group of women at the greengrocer. One of them had engaged me in a conversation about using one nut type over another in a recipe. When she asked me how much she’d need, but hadn’t told me what she was planning to make, I realised she was just wasting my time.
I was thus hassled and irritated, but determined not to lose my temper, by the time they moved in on me, pushing past at awkward moments. We saw it all afterward on the CCTV playback.
As my son said: the minute I do my best to communicate on an equal basis, someone rips me off. I wouldn’t lift either gender unless I knew them better than by sight. And I no longer encourage conversations with strangers. Car guards (of all races) must also keep their distance; I’ve been robbed by two of them.
The need to mention that you are atheists – what’s that about ? Just accept the blessings that the old lady gave you in good grace. No need for smug positioning…your reader doesn’t need to see that. Otherwise a great article.
@ marianne. congratulations for coming up with that conclusion all on your own if it wasn’t for you know one would have known that statistics dictate a black male being favoured for crime, well done.
@ Simon please stop recruiting.
@ Jennifer Thorpe, i have a question. did this occurrence change the way you would act in the future, i have to admit that their are different perspectives about men than there are woman but that has nothing to do with the geographical location. Men will always be scary and partly un inviting to woman and men for that matter.
The fact remains is why did you write the story, just because you could blog about something supposedly enligtning had happened in your life and you realized it, or because you actually want to shine some light on the subject.
So by the same token (as I’ve understood it this is merely your theory extended) unequal gender relations advantage bad women by brainwashing us into thinking the best of them?
@Rod, Mok, Magnus – I am talking about a totally different kind of crime, than you have in mind, mostly committed against women………………I am well aware that most kinds of crime in this country have no gender, race or nationality. What Jennifer talked about was in context to driving on a ark road at night , picking up a male or a female and that is what I talked about too.
I believe that the battle we should be fighting is a battle against patriarchy which does leave all those involved in the patriarchal society worse off, so is of equal concern to both genders.
Generalisations about any “group” of people are unhelpful be they men, women, chinese, capetonians or whatever. We are all guilty of generalisation and we need to fight that tendency which is unfortunately hardwired into us as human beings, a defence mechanism which in primitive times prevented us from being eaten x = danger so avoid.
In contrast to some of the commentators I think it extremely helpful to discuss this specific issue. Thank you for bringing it up.
Men are more likely to commit, and suffer from, violent crime. Women are correspondingly less likely. Your giving of a lift to an elderly woman rather than a man was therefore statistically rational behaviour.
There, I wrote your column for you in only three sentences. Do you want to commission me for the next one?
I stop for men and women of all colours as long as they are elderly. I do not stop for any young people of any gender or colour.
Biologically men are generally stronger than woman and statistics reveal that men are also more likely to be violent criminals than women. Thus the reality is that when dealing with strangers men should always be treated with far more caution than women. I have no doubt that the conditioning doled out by society can exacerbated this dichotomy between men and women, or lessen it, but the dichotomy will always be there.