Every year 1 400 women are killed by their partners, and maybe we were listening.
If your neighbour plays music really loud on a week night, do you go over and ask them to keep it down? If they start banging their drums at 9pm in a residential area, do you think you should ask them to stop? Most people do something, whether it’s a letter under the door, a telephone call or a polite knock and request. I mean, their private activities are impacting on yours, not so?
What if you hear a fight? Do you go and see what’s happening, or do you stay at home? And when you hear someone being beaten — whether it’s a man, woman or child, what do you do? An incredible advert from People Opposing Women Abuse (Powa) has been circulating on YouTube examining this thought experiment — when do you feel it’s OK to ask your neighbours to stop what they’re doing in their own home. Check it out here.
What is it that stops us knocking when we hear noises like that? Are we afraid for ourselves? Do we still believe that beating someone in your home is a private matter? I lived in a hostel where a girl was beaten by her boyfriend. I was one floor above her on the other side of the building, and I walked downstairs to find him kicking a hole in her door. After I threw him out of the res, her neighbours appeared to say that they’d heard it before, he’d been doing it for ages, they’re so glad he’s been thrown out. But they didn’t do anything themselves. They were afraid or too polite. They felt that it was not their place.
This advert is unsettling and rightly so. Most of us will have heard a neighbour or a friend talk to someone in a way that is aggressive and not said anything. Maybe we’ve even heard a couple fighting, heard the screams and the tears and not gone to check if everything is OK. What makes us stop?
Every year 1 400 women are killed by their partners, and maybe we were listening.
Well done Jen! We have checked regularly on our cottage tenants and questioned them about their sexual noise. So far, their stories have proved to be innocent and that’s fine. I would rather be embarrassed for “overreacting” than leave a woman hurt or dead. Blushing is not a burden!
There is however another spin on exactly this. EG.
A man is sitting in his car at a traffic light, and sees a man beating on a woman. He gets out of the car to assist. The woman starts verbally abusing him for putting his nose where it dont belong. So he gets back ino his car and drives off. A few weeks later, the police arrives at his door in the middle of the night, and drags him off to the police station where he is charged with assault, with the intention to cause grevious bodily harm, nogal.
He argues his case at the police station, but they are not interested. He appears in court eventually, where he is in fact found guilty. The woman is there as a witness for her husband, and according to them, they were walking arm in arm minding their own business, when the accused made a lewd suggestion at the wife, and when the husband protested, the accused jumped out of his car and proceeded to assault him severely. When the woman tried to intervene, she was supposedly assaulted as well. 5 years suspended sentence for the Samaritan and according to the judge, he was lucky. Then succesfully sued for R 30 000.00 rand by the loving couple.
Just makes you wonder if it is worth it to help. But never-the-less we are human and will probably act if the need arises.
The Praetor
A thought provoking article, I viewed the video and wish more people would take a look at it and be ashamed should they not do anything when they hear anyone (male/female/child) being abused.
I hear what you are saying. In Xhosa culture, a man’s domestics are his business, even if a woman is beaten in public. And male policemen have the same attitude. That’s a patriarchal society for you.
The problem is partly that when getting involved, in some cases, you put your ass on the line, go down, knock on the door, intervene and risk getting beaten up yourself, eventually call the police and stand there as they drag him off to jail for the night… and then the next day, there he is… All forgiven. Happily ever after couple, and now they BOTH hate you, both now-sober husband and wife, for sticking your nose in to their problems, getting the authorities involved, and causing them no end of “pain and misery”. This happened to me not once, but twice! I resolved that there would be no third time, and subsequently had to move from my apartment block because of the endless grief and associated nonsense. These days, I tend to just let humans either resolve their problems, give-up and move apart, or kill each other – ALL ON THEIR OWN!
I would have no compunction to knock on the door and ask what is going on.
That said another beef of mine is the unnecessary barking Dog. Just this morning at 3:30am a family that I had warned a number of times that they should get training on how to own a dog, because of its incessant barking.
I warned that a day would come when I would ignore its insistent barking for no reason. Well that day came in the early hours. Their car and motorcycle were stolen out the lock garage.
I cursed the dog pulled the pillow over my head but was further disturbed by the thieves advertisement of a revving car and screeching tyres.
The joke of it all was that the family supposedly slept through the whole event. I think that was unlikely, as they are known for peeping through curtains when there is trouble and never assisting. They likely thought is was someone else’s problem.
If they had a dog that was trained to bark only when necessary I would have gotten up earlier knowing that there was a problem. Still,I cannot help feeling that it was God’s justice for not respecting their neighbours rights to a good nights sleep.
The link to the video is incorrect – I think it should be this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_DIIvkvbIVM
Also, it appears that the HTML for that link is a bit broken (the a ref needs fixing) and needs cleaning up.
@Hugh Robinson
How do you manage to make an article about domestic abuse about yourself?
there are bigger things in the world than you.
“Still,I cannot help feeling that it was God’s justice for not respecting their neighbours rights to a good nights sleep. ”
Good to know your god loves you more than them. Christian love – biggest oxymoron in the world.
I tell you what makes people stop cos i have tried to stop abuse before. a) the man turns on you – has happened to me! and b) the wife/partner tells you to butt out – has happened to me! Now I just call the cops.
What more can we do to convince loved ones to get out of abusive relationships? He visits prostitutes (and she knows but buys his lame excuses about going to the shop net to the parlour)gets beaten up every so often, yet still doesn’t feel doing anything about it!
@ The Praetor
The “Loving Couple” scammed the court and victimised the Samaritan but were no other witnesses to the event in question? And did not the defense attorney question why it took “a few weeks” for the couple to lay the charge?
Did the defense do a background check on the “Loving Couple” to see whether there might have been witnesses to other instances of the husband’s violence toward his wife? If not, the Samaritan may have grounds for a mis-trial based on the lawyer’s failure to offer the best defense possible.
Strange case all around.
A patriarchial society like south africa is not only directed at women. It is also directed at different races or tribes in south africa.In
certain areas this arrogant behaviour is very clear
eg Pretoria with its Afrikaners,Durban with its Indians,Townships with its predominatly black residents.
It’s always difficult to decide whether one should intervene on the basis of overhearing what seems to be abuse. Not long ago there was such a case involving some of my neighbours.
The couple in question were young and at first glance appeared to be deeply in love. The boyfriend had his arm around the girl or one hand on her shoulder at all times even going so far as to walk her to her car anytime she went out. (Not often)
As time passed it became apparent that all was not well. The neighbour immediately next to them heard what sounded like the man beating the girl, throwing her against walls and telling she was lucky he wasn’t using his fists! The neighbour reported this to the landlord who asked the Property Manager to investigate. The guy assured the Mgr there was no problem. Right.
An hour later I witnessed the guy assaulting the girl in the driveway in front of my window! I shouted Stop! He shouted “Stay out of this!” and strong-armed her into their flat. I called Security immediately but all was quiet when they arrived. Right.
There were many more incidents witnessed by others until finally the landlord asked them to leave. I had contacted Powa after the incident I witnessed but they made it clear: the girl must ask for their help. I left a brochure with her one day whilst the boyfriend was out. She said nothing.
They moved out. Sad.
Hugh, I’ll be copying most of your post and will give it to a neighbour … maybe it’ll open their eyes!
Women/people, take immediate steps to getting yourself out of an abusive situation, the perp’s not going to stop doing it and it will probably get significantly worse as it goes along!