Why do people get so worked up when women get married and the issue of surname change arises? Over the past few weeks several people that I know or know of through friends have decided to get married. In all cases the issue of whether the wife-to-be should take on the husband-to-be’s surname came up. It has caused much drama and stress for many of these people and I’m not quite sure that I understand it. So to try and work it out, I have come up with some reasons to change, and not to change. Feel free to add your own.
Reasons to change your surname
1. Your own surname is terrible. If you have a surname that is hard on the tongue, nobody can pronounce, or causes much laughter whenever someone says it, then I think this is a fairly good time to take the opportunity to get rid of this tongue-bumbling nightmare.
2. Your surname is average, but his surname makes you sound like a high flying executive/film star. Why not? If your surname is nice (in the Fiat Palio sense of the word), but his is nicer, hop on board and get the glamour name.
3. You don’t like your dad, and you want to change your surname to Pamplemousse just to piss him off.
Reasons not to change your name.
1. His surname is rubbish.
2. You have all your degrees and assets in your name and you can’t be bothered to go to home affairs or the relevant government department of inefficiency and try to change them.
3. You believe that it is submissive to change your name just because you’re getting married (but as an aside, your own surname comes from your dad. That’s the way patriarchy works. It allows men to mark out their women like dogs pissing on trees. So unless you take your mother’s name (which was her fathers name anyway) you aren’t really making much of a radical stand point.)
4. You love your daddy waddy and you couldn’t ever give up your precious name ever even for the love of your life.
5. Because your new hubby’s feelings will be hurt (this is the WORST).
In fact, all of these are pretty rubbish reasons to change/not change your name. The whole debate is outdated. If you are really worried about the issue and plan on having gazillions of children then both of you should choose a new surname and change your name to that. Sticking with the theme of my previous blog, ditch the guilt and live a little bit for yourself.
I agree with both changing names, choosing a new name making them a whole new family where the husbands family cannot hold any power over the wife because she has become one of theirs.
But in the meantime my husband and I each have our own surname. Even though I have my father’s surname I don’t see it as patriarchal in a negative sense. My mother chose to have his name and pass it to her children. I am quite comfortable with that.
The funniest part though is sometimes when people refer to my husband as Mr (My Surname).
One day assumptions will stop, we hope.
I made a BIG mistake in changing my name on marriage.
I already had a reputation in my profession, and had to build it up again from scratch and loose a decade.
Plus the men can find all their old school and varsity friends on Facebook, and the women get lost since no-one knows their new names.
The ANC way of double barrelling the name is perfect – you can be found on the internet!
From the time I first started writing for the school newspaper in 7th grade through a career as a professional journalist and then in academia, I have felt a swell of pride on seeing my name in print. That, for me, is a straightforward enough reason never to change it. It’s mine; everything I’ve ever done I’ve done under that name.
I thought the debate had fairly well died down though; some of my friends have taken their husbands’ names, some not, but I’ve never heard any angst of gnashing of teeth over it.
If I were to marry my partner I wouldn’t take his surname. I’m in my late thirties and I’m very happy with my name as it is thank you very much! and besides, while his surname is unusual, my surname is even more unusual and I’m rather fond of it. Why should men get to retain their identities and heritage and not women?!
you had to “loose” a decade? how does one “loose” time? Time, thou art loosed? [/td_jakes]
–
anyway, a couple of people i know made up their own last name when they got married. both of them had horribly difficult last names, anyway, so that was the impetus.
one of them was from brookline, massachusetts and the other was from brooklyn, new york; the surname they chose for themselves was “potik” which is the ukrainian word for brook.
i usually hate on them for hippie fail [their *cats* are vegetarians], but that was very sharp thinking.
–
i actually have my mother’s last name. when my parents got together, we were running out of boys. so they made a deal. first one gets her name, subsequent ones get his. sadly, they had only one together.
of course, over the next twenty years, three of my male cousins had 18 sons between them. 18 boys. god. [one of these cousins sued for custody of his eight sons when he got divorced -- and he won.]
Mundundu
Miss Buchanan was known, no-one knew who Mrs Beddy was. That is how I lost a decade. Bad marketing!
I dunno, I am going one further and not getting married. I object to the idea of marriage as “the pissing on their women syndrome” etc, so why do it? No name change required.
I happen to believe in the concept of mating for life, it works for some and not for others, it works for me. I am thinking if I have kids, they can pick thier surnames out of a hat, or the boyfriend and I can choose according to what goes with their first name, or just let them choose.
Mundundu, I can totally believe that one of those people was from Brookline. I’d only have been less surprised if s/he’d been from Cambridge.
Hippie fail indeed.
I initially were of the old school, who believed that the woman should change her surname. Then I got caught up in a very embarresing situation. We were at a braai, and the kids were running amok. The hostess who had a little daughter, called the kids and told them to settle down.
At the mention of the name ‘Koos’, since this is not a usual name in Cape Town, and I expected to find such a name in the rural areas. I thought a child would be ridiculed by their friends with such a name, So I innocently enquired as to why a parent would want to call their child ‘Koos’.
Suddenly the company went very quiet, and my wife elbowed me in the ribs. As soon as there was an oppertunity, my wife pulled me aside, and explained that the host was Mr Koos, and his wife had called the daughter on her surname.
On the way home I was still pondering why anyone would keep a surname like that,I would have changed it at the first oppertunity. And why would the wife have taken this surname.
You can say the same about names like, Olifant, Boom, all the months of the year… etc.
If I am not mistaken your surname is also known as your family name. Your first name identifies who you as an individual are, and your surname (or family name) to which family name you belong. Not to have the same surname, is thus to hold onto your own individualism so much and to deny that you are now a family. It really becomes a problem once you start to get children. Who’s name will they then get? A new double-barrel name? How many generations can be accommodated this way? I think the feminist lobby brainwashed women that their identity lies in their surname, when your identity actually lies in your character, and not any label.
I happen to dig my surname and it works well with my profession, Stone is a pretty cool surname for an architect I think. Plus I agree with the whole proffesional debate, it takes a hell of a long time to build a reputation. Any anycase its easy enough to be a mrs so and so, and just use your own surname for proffesional perposes.
How about taking it further and your husband taking on your name? That is what my hubbie did. We don’t live in SA. I like his modern approach. This would never have been an option in SA methinks.
I decided to postpone making the decision until some later stage (having degrees, bonds and visas on my name). But aren’t I lucky, some home affairs bureaucrat made my choice and changed it for me…and didn’t even let me know. So I go to renew my passport only to be told that I don’t exist. But in the interim (while not existing) I’ve opened bank accounts, bought a house and a car on my own name based on my ID document and drivers licence. Apparently home affairs changes your surname to your husbands automatically most of the time (even if you tick the “do not change surname” box). So now Mrs C has no career, possessions, drivers licence, credit cards or degrees, but has a cool new passport since I really needed to travel at that point. And Ms G…well, doesn’t exist…officially.
Get a grip. The whole planet knows that your maiden name will be on your degrees and matric papers and what not, and your new married (husband’s) surname will be on everything post-nuptial. No need to go out there creating existential angst out of thin air. Adopt his surname and be done with it. Move on. Nothing to see here.
The best way to get your wife to change her surname to yours is not to ask or insist on it. I was married to my wife for many years and she had not changed it. I never made a fuss or asked. If I had she definitely would have refused and given me the same “I have my own identity” nonsense that I have heard from many other women. It is nonsense because adopting the man’s surname is nothing more than the symbol that you are now part of a family istead of an individual.It does not destroy the woman’s identity at all.
To complete my story, ultimately my wife went to home affairs to have it changed on her own free will. Guess what, they had already done it years earlier without her knowledge.
to me this is a cultural thing, if i pay lobola i expect my wife to take up my name…otherwise i could care less as long as the kids have my surname.
This is a great post. I would add another reason to consider keeping your last name is in honor of the woman who suffered before you to have the right to keep your name. Believe it or not, that was not always the case. Here’s an article on the topic: http://www.namelymarly.com/blog/2009/07/changing-your-last-name-when-you-get-married-your-decision-or-society%E2%80%99s/
However, I also agree that every couple needs to decide on this issue for themselves. Your post gives some great ideas for thinking this decision through.
Ive been trying to change my surname for sometime now in South Africa. To a surname totally different from any of my relatives. Apparently this cannot be done unless you have the consent to the family whose surname you want to take on. This however proves difficult as if no family in south africa has that surname, one cannot get consent.
Anyone have any ideas that could assist me in this regard ?
thanks
I’m trying to change my daughter’s suname to include her dad’s – home affairs don’t have a clue….. Her dad’s portuguese & I’m Afrikaans, but we would like her to have both registered due to the fact that she should be entitled to both ancestral cultures…. We aren’t married, but have been together for 12 years….. It’s been 2 days and still I am struggling to find out how to do this…. Some say I can and some say I can’t!!!