Most people masturbate. And by people, I mean women too (for the chauvinists out there who haven’t caught onto our people-status yet). It is interesting then that this topic is treated as taboo by most media sources, life-skills counsellors and women.
Sexuality is by necessity an intimate and personal thing, and discomfort around public speaking about how you get off is to be expected. Of course in the closed circles of friendship protected by shared secrecy people talk about their sexuality more frequently, and that in itself is something. There seems to be a trend, at least in white English South African culture, that allows men to talk openly about masturbation, sex and their sexuality. However, a similar culture for women doesn’t exist.
Women are told by magazines to take control of their sexuality and masturbation is described as a sort of naughty side-effect. The trouble is that when we don’t speak about sexuality and particularly young people’s sexuality, then young people have no way of accessing support when they have questions. This leads to a build up of secrecy and stigma around sexuality so that when girls and young women experience sexual feelings, or a desire to masturbate, they are not sure if this is “normal”. I know from my own education (at incredible Christian schools) this topic was never raised, but there was the understanding that the lord would not be chuffed if you were fiddling with your own bits (never mind someone else’s). Stigma leads to shame. Young girls (and maybe boys, feel free to correct me) feel too embarrassed to discuss this topic or ask questions. So they pretend it doesn’t happen.
The silencing of girls’ sexual desire is part of what places them at risk during sexual encounters. Girls are not encouraged to talk about their sexuality, which makes it more difficult to have the kind of sex they want. If they can’t talk about it with peers, how can they talk about it in the heat of the moment. And worst, if they won’t admit it to themselves then how can they admit it to a new (or old) lover. They are encouraged to focus on their partner’s pleasure and not their own (and this continues into adulthood with women’s magazines) and so their sexuality is starved of self-ownership. I heard a harrowing story this week about a young girl who sent images of herself masturbating by MMS to a boy she liked, who then forwarded it on, and when she found out that people knew she committed suicide.
Whether this is urban legend or not, the issue remains serious that young girls are afraid that people know that they masturbate when in fact this is the safest way for them to be sexual. The shame surrounding women’s sexual pleasure must be broken down. This is exactly why women and young girls should be encouraged to experiment with masturbation as a route to achieving sexual pleasure and knowledge without risks. They should be encouraged to talk about it amongst their peers, which should create a sense of honesty about their own desires.
Viva masturbation and women’s ownership of their sexuality and bodies.
Yo, Jennifer. I’ll let you in on a secret, men LOVE the fact that the ladies masturbate and we would really LOVE it if you spoke about it more in public. I can’t imagine anything better than getting on the bus and over hearing a conversation about female masturbation.
As to the story of the MMS, all I can say is that dude is a douchbag. And ladies, in no way, should you allow this story to stop you from forwarding on photos of you masturbating to boyfriend or any other man for that matter. I can tell you now, we really appreciate them.
Power wankers unite! Smash the system!
100% on the nail
Brent
When I first arrived in Spain, coming from a normal South African background. I was really surprised to find most girls openly talking about certain topics within groups of friends – close girl friends didn´t have any problem to chat about issues such as masturbation, porn, toys, their favourite sexual positions, menstraution etc… It didn´t seem (at least amongst the youth) as something you would need to shy away from… I believe that society in general on their side benefits greatly by being open about traditonaly taboo subjects… The girls are happy to talk about what they like, and the guys there are usually happy to oblige satisfied that open communication is mutualy beneficial. I believe their transparency it takes the pressure off a bit and allows sex in general to be a bit more fun rather than work…
Interesting that all the comments so far are from men.
Erm….its not just women. Guys don’t exactly announce that they had a good wank last night either.
Absolutely, Jennifer. There is nothing shameful about being a woman who has sexual desires, and needs. We need to be encouraged to be comfortable and confident with our sexuality. and we need to learn to love ourselves, on various levels. (And we certainly can’t wait around hoping that a guy will know.)
Is this not an answer to HIV/AIDS – as an alternative to direct intercourse ?
The best lovers are amongst those who masturbate. Even thinking deeply about and playing with the possibilities of a recipe, a design, a poem, a golf shot before performing it improves the final product.
Those who deny masturbation are sad people. They often cause sexual shock that destroys their sexual partners. There can be no more devastating realisation than that of finding the partner could give your life to fuck, who can touch your soul each time you do, simply puts up with it.
It is inhuman.
This dos not mean all who masturbate are fine lovers. But it does mean that in order to share one has to make sure to know ‘what’ is shared. It is sadism to coldly experiment with others; to count them as mere conquests. It is a form of torture. ‘What’ is not mere physical contact and performance. It is emotional to the point of spiritual.
There are many sad people who have been attached by custom and expectation to cold lovers or abused by them. They have my sympathy.
I think the girls you are talking about are way ahead of you! They’re having anal, oral and vaginal sex in virtually public places; they’re not still the young ladies your Christian schools expected you to be?
In my schooldays, if we were doing anything even vaguely sexual with or without company or assistance, we weren’t about to tell a soul. And that, to be honest, is how sex should be.
I know my opinion is outdated, but there can be little in life as off-putting as listening to a lesbian or gay man describing their sexual escapades…thrust by thrust, and bragging about their ability to satify others. All my gay friends know: ‘If you insist on broadcasting it, you must expect criticism!’
I also don’t want to know what your other half is doing in bed or the bathroom!
I don’t discuss my physical relationships publicly. That’s what makes sex special; the fact that it is shared with someone important and you have intimate secrets.
‘Nuff said on that score, but my attitude did not stop me from bringing up a son (alone) who has a brilliant attitude to girls, his own body and sex. It’s just such a pity that his feminine peers are so forward. He spends half his life extricating himself from situations with virtual strangers before sex, to him, has become an issue.
The chase and the learning curve are both hugely important.
Anthony asks: “Is this not an answer to HIV/AIDS – as an alternative to direct intercourse?” I am Xhosa man and do HIV/AIDS education. We all know the ABC of safe sex (Abstain, Be faithful and Condomise). In our progam we have added D = Do-It-Yourself. But it is an absolute taboo especially for the boys and men who STILL believes that masturbation is “a waste of sperm”. “You throw away a lawyer or a doctor when you skommel” most of them say (these are “educated” urban youth!). Seems every sexual encounter MUST end in pregnancy because that is the purpose of sperm. Now you may understand both the high rate of HIV infections and teenage pregnancies. This is a DEEP seated belief in my culture and I actually don’t know how to change that.
@ Lyndall Beddy- At least you have commented so we have 1 from a female.
@ Lyndal beddy – I think that just proves Jennifers point more…
Wow, Andile’s response is an eye-opener, if not a complete surprise! His culture sounds like the Catholics (“every sperm is sacred”). Unbelieveable that such philosophies still exist in our overpopulated world. Logic would suggest that, at this point, the more sperm goes wasted, the better!
But, back to women’s sexuality: Great article. Why is it that women are expected to be sexual objects, without a sexuality of their own? Why should women be expected to be society’s pillars of morality? We are, after all, also only human – with feelings, needs and yes (shock, horror!), a sex-drive. Men need to grow up and deal with that. This ‘aint gonna happen until women stand up and make themselves heard. We still have a long way to go ….
To add to CB’s surprise: a Xhosa man (and it may be true for the other ethnic groups as well) who is either “caught” or known to masturbate is not regarded as a “real man” because masturbation suggests that there is something “wrong” with you: you don’t know how to satisfy a woman, or you have a small penis, or you lack in confidence, or you are gay etc. The only way to PROVE that you are inDEED a man is by having sex. Emotional connection to the woman doesn’t really count. The relationship is GENITAL. And nyama to nyama (flesh to flesh) is the way to go because throwing away a condom with sperm is a disgrace (ihlazo). More importantly, your semen inside the woman makes her “yours”, she’s been marked like dogs mark trees. That’s why Zuma’s speech on World Aids day just made us (who knows what’s really going on in the townships) laugh. The much mentioned “policy change” is earlier access to ARVs, NOT prevention. Add the latest “circumcision reduces HIV” fad which means HIV+ men are going to infect women even more than they have done so, not to mention the perpetuation of the idea that men get it from WOMEN, not vice versa. The disaster has just started.
@andile perhaps the fact that there are millions of sperm in every ejaculation and if conception occurs it will only involve one of them, the others being ‘wasted’ so to speak, will help to lay this idea to rest.
Human sex play is a learnt skill like any other. Secrecy does not aid the learning process of any skill and sex play is no exception. It is an undoubted blessing that the nitty gritty of sex play is emerging into the public discourse more and more.
If I knew then what I know now, I would have been such a better lover. Let this be the latest virus: I talk to my kids and then you talk to your kids and the neighbour talk to her kids and so on . . .
Interesting discussion – masturbation is generally regarded as a thing that men do (think of wankers). I’ve never discussed masturbation with a female friend and I’m not sure I’d want to either. (Although, push comes to shove, I’d rather have a conversation about masturbation than how Jesus died for me). This sketch, which is from Big Train, imagines a situation in which masturbation becomes part of office culture:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zn6Z9djh8eA
@andile, if they think masturbation is a waste of sperm, then i guess they also think condoms are too!
MLH I’m not sure where homosexuality entered this discussion. Straight people talk loudly about their sex lives too. That was just a little bit of stereo-typecasting on your part I think…
@mpumelelo. Precisely the point!
Viva masturbation viva…..my girlfriend and I do it every often. I do it to her, she does it to me. It bits the hell out of actual sex.
It’s absurd that women in this day and age still don’t feel comfortable enough discussing issues of sexuality. Now while I don’t think we should be chatting about our sexapades on the bus or in the office I believe we gotta talk about Sex and everything in between openly both in school and even better in church.
So society has made it difficult. but who is society? Is it not you and I? How do we respond? I think we gotta change one at a time. No one categorically says we cant talk about sex. If we make a decision to talk about it as often as possible in the right light, then we could change the trend.
In my country Uganda, about 10 years ago, for a gal to carry condoms in her purse or even walk into a pharmacy and make a purchase was scoffed at but that’s what we gotta do-take charge. And by that I don’t mean casually talk about our relations but actually get up and do something to stay safe. Speaking of staying safe, I don’t believe doing it yourself is the solution.. it’s got long term devastating effects and it would be nice if we actually talked about those…tell people the truth about it and if they still choose to then they can aonly hold themselves responsible.
To all of you, especially Lyndall Beddy
Go to All4Women.co.za
Search there for a recent article on very similar lines. It was VERY controversial when published and the vast majority of the replies were from women, although some men contributed.
Those replies probably give a better cross section of how women feel about the subject.
Try attending a girls school and raising the topic of masturbation (which a lot of us were trying out in dark dorm rooms) – the guilt was unbelievable. But what amazes me is how even now my girlfriends find it such an uncomforable conversation (unless we’re drunk) and we’re in our 30s – so how will we talk about it with our kids?
Here is that link with 135 comments posted, right across the range of opinions, and predominantly female. Very revealing, very thought provoking.
http://all4women.co.za/health/masturbation-women.html
In a recent study they found out that 80% of humans masturbate. The other 20% lie.
Funny I was just thinking about this yesterday and now to read about it here; I must be psychic.
Jennifer: you say “There seems to be a trend, at least in white English South African culture, that allows men to talk openly about masturbation, sex and their sexuality”. What about other white South Africans; Greek, Polish, Russian, German, Afrikaans etc. Are not included there.
@Andile: you are a disgraceful liar perpetuating myths about black men being promiscuous and stupid- I doubt that you are really “Xhosa” or even African. Sure there is the problem of promiscuity (concurency in some cultures and one night satnds, orgies and “wife-swapping” in more ‘sophisticated’ (the latter of which cultures rarely ever gets morally questioned by sociologists, epidemilogists etc (seeing as they are less susceptible to certain STDs like AIDS). The majority of people are decent and well-behaved ( in all cultures) and it is wrong to stereotype an entire people based on the behaviour of a few.
@Phillipa: Andile may perhaps be a fake, but there is something very wrong with sexual practices and beliefs amongst South Africans, when as a country South Africa represents 0.7% of the worlds population, but 17% of its HIV burden
Jennifer obviously is not an Oprah watcher. One of her pioneering things is having a good looking, blonde, female doctor on regularly talking abut sexual health. Recently in talking about mother’s duties she said they should tell their daughters sex is pleasure and that they can achieve it themselves.This regular speaker with usually an all female audience is as frank as a scientist and understanding as a psychologist/sociologist. And is all in favour of masturbation for all.
Nanny, I’m not a tv watcher, so no, not Oprah either. But what I think is more relevant is encorporating this sort of discussion into life skills courses. It needs to be real for young girls, and there needs to be space for them to talk about it.
When Philipa Lipsinking wades into the debate, guns blazing, you know its time to depart…her arrogance, and ignorance is too much for me…goodbye
You could be right, Jennifer, but in my experience, gay people generally feel more need to back their actions with explicit publicity.
When two became my son’s godfathers, I made it clear that I did not want him to grow up believing that outrageous behaviour of any kind was normal. If a party became too drunken, we left; if talk became too OTT, we left, whether straight or gay homes. From about age 7, my son regularly stayed with his godfathers when I was away. I trust/ed them completely and their behaviour has always been impeccable, tho’ some of their friends could understandably not always be kept on a tight leash. I take pride in the fact that my very straight son is about the least homophobic or judgemental young man alive.
So, although my previous comment made me sound very conservative, in fact I am more liberal than most and my son and I have discussed virtually all aspects of sex and sexual behaviour over the years.
My biggest concern, while he was young, was that the school would call in social welfare if it realised I was leaving my child with gay men.
And never assume people are not so narrow-minded that they won’t! He once wore a grey shirt to aftercare that had 3 magenta flying ducks across its front. The fuss was horrendous! Next day he secreted my pink T and track pants in his bag to wear. You don’t know stubborn…
Grinch – I agree!
MLH: The fact that you have to specify that your son is “very straight” just indicates your issues. In any case, this debate is not your son. And the fact that you are raising him on your own is a big kudos to you, but is not relevant to the debate, nor does it indicate how liberal you are. You can be a narrow-minded single mother. It happens.
Speaking from experience growing up it was shunned upon to talk about such things but now that I have grown and know much better I love masturbating, my partner and I both do it, he encourages me to be free when I am with him which has led to us having a closer relationship. It is something that we also both do regularly and I figure if I cant do it with the one person I have shared so much with, who can I do it with. It does come in handy (excuse the pun) when he is working late and I am home alone I call him and he talks me through it, and i come everytime. Literally
http://www.wired.com/threatlevel/2009/12/sexting-suit/#more-11824
Even though the topic seems to have been around for quite a long time I’d like to take this opportunity to participate. First of, I’d like to thank you all for such insightful comments on the topic.
@Andile – I find your ability to reason seriously challenged, dude. How on earth do you think people couldn’t see that the stupid allegations you are making about Xhosa men are the creations of your undeveloped mind? No wonder CB is surprised of the crap you wrote. It’s good though that you are out here crying for help, hence you say “… I actually don’t know how to change that”, even though you tend to blame the Xhosa culture for your immature imagination.
It’s true that it’s not easy if one is to talk about their intimate behaviour (ask psychologists, they will tell how tactical they have to be to get one to discuss such a topic). I like MoAfrica’s comment – let’s talk about it to our kids, partners and friends.