Have you noticed that South Africa is father-free? Every time you hear a devastating news story about children who have died in a car accident/shack fire/hit and run/scary child stabbing incident the news reader feels that it is imperative to note that “the child(ren)’s mother was not there at the time of the (insert horror incident here)”. Yes it’s not ideal that the children were left unsupervised, but I’m not sure if I missed something in biology because I thought it took two to make a baby. Where were their fathers at the time of the incident? And why doesn’t anyone care?
South Africa is a migrant labour-based economy. If the labour brokering hearings earlier this year were anything to go by, most South Africans work on long and arduous contracts and are forced to travel to find work. This means that it is not unusual for children to be left behind, while parents seek the means to feed, clothe and school them. In the ideal situation the children would remain supervised by some adult — either the parent who is left behind, or the relatives of a parent. In some cases, however, both parents must work, and children are left on their own. This is the reality of a country with a horrific Gini coefficient, and many many children.
But is the assumption then, when the children are left behind, that the burden of support is on the mother? If a mother leaves to find work after a father has already left is there cause to feel resentment towards her? I don’t think that this is justified. Having been largely raised by my mother I think that it was important for her self-development, and our own, for her to seek employment. It is necessary for both parents to work in most families, so why the question then “Where was their mother?”
Or is it just that mothers should be more responsible for their children? Our birth from a patriarchal culture where men are the workers and women are the carers has left us with an ill-fitted and backwards understanding of parental relations. Fathers do not have to be distant and powerful. Mothers do not have to stay at home and care for the children. Though both of these options are possible, and may work for some families. When being delivered from this culture where do we make a space for paternal responsibility?
So I would like to know now, “Where were the fathers” while the children suffered? And when is our media going to stop labelling mothers who weren’t there as failures?
sometimes poor mothers from shack settlements are forced (by circumstance) to go and take care of white children in surbubs so they can be able to feed theirs.
Nikiwe Bikitsha wrote a brilliant article about the absence of fathers in their children’s lives. Maybe the two of you should get together.
I’ve often wondered the same thing myself, Jennifer. The assumption is still very much that mothers are responsible for parenting and fathers for making financial decisions. All a tad archaic and unrealistic.
Very good point Jennifer, and tragically the situation is unlikely to change any time soon.
Far too many fathers ignore the basic biological fact which makes them parents, leaving migrant workers out of the equation, and simply walk away from their children. The mother is simply left to cope, or not.
Abandonment, arrogance and paternalism. Tough to fight all three, but it’s way past time a start was made. That is the issue and thank you for raising it.
Exactly – it is a practical reality that mothers and fathers can’t always be at home, and so, out of necessity children are left alone.
It is just extremely unfair that women are blamed for a societal wealth gap that necessitates this situation.
Ag asseblief Phillipa
You allways turn everything into a black-white issue.Stop with your “sympathy seeking” nonsense and move on. You are an impedement to society.
I agree with the question where are the fathers? Too many times women and women single parents get demonised in the media, especially when children are injured, killed and go missing. Female headed households are often blamed for many of the social ills and problems we face, but the question never gets raised, where are the fathers of these children.
While I think the South African construct means that fathers are often absent, I don’t think this attitude is unique to the country. When something happens to children world-wide, people ask “Where was the mother?”. Look at Madeleine McLean – the vicious British press didn’t attack her father, but they took her mother to pieces. I think the question is “Where were the parents?”.
@The LiP. Often It is reported that the mother went drinking at the local shebeen. Why do you not comment on that ? Wretching bile at whites seems to be your favourite passtime
It is in fact the greatest insult towards men when we don’t ask where they are, actually. When as society we stop asking where they are, it means they are no longer relevant, people are just moving on with their difficult lives with or without them.
What is society’s image of men when you think of the many reports of rapes of women, boys and girls and the high incidents of single mothers who can’t get men to pay maintenance, while on the other hand, from pulpits to taxi ranks, to T section Emlazi (where they stripped a woman for being in pants)men seem to keep trying to be the domineering arbitors of morality. Men seem increasingly dehumanised, frightening beings. Demanding respect and acknowledgement but seemingly lacking in the ability to show love and sacrifice for those they love.
I think whilst what allows men to get away with this is patriarchy letting them get away with it is in fact more harmful for men. Damaging to the image of those who are attentive fathers and loving partners.
I’m also not referring to migrant labourers.
Phillipa its called care work and it doesnt only happen here in SA it is common in all parts of the world for moms to work for other moms looking after their children…what is your point?
At the moment of conception, most SA fathers are motherless. as are most SA mothers. This poses great difficulties when determining who the father is, and has led to the phrase ‘Who’s your Daddy’.
For me, my father was largely absent during my High school years. I really wrestled with why this was so and concluded his job was more important to him than his family.
Later I forgave him and worked on our relationship and I was shocked to find that he was pressured over years to resign and had worked more and harder in an attempt to keep his job and provide for his family.
So to add to the discussion. Don’t be too quick to blame your father or mother.
This subject has many factors – you focus on one.
Poor education, culture, tradition and mores are the real problem.
Yes – Males migrate and start other families. A condom ruins “his” pleasure.
Females think they will keep a man if they have children.
That is the effect – not the cause !
USA has this problem; mothers as sole providers. “Dead Beat Dads.”
Mothers must teach sons that females are not objects for his pleasure.
Teach daughters self-respect for their minds & bodies.
SA girls/women speak of pressure to “prove their love” and fidelity by having “my” child and when pregnant, its off to the next victim eager to please.
To research prevalence of one parent – begin with patriarchal cultures.
Otherwise, keep your peace.
Mothers of Africa carry the continent on their shoulders.
They work, feed and protect the next generation – except for a minority honorable gentlemen; proud of the responsibility that it entails.
Dot not point fingers at them alone !
As a feminist you should be aware of this sad history. I lived it !
Women, before the 70′s were expected by tradition to have children and care for their husbands. They were pampered spoilt security providers.
In the 60′s as a mother of teens, we began to revolt and “burnt” our bras. (Stupid in hindsight but the sign of desperation.)
By the 70′s we were vocal, strident and society’s outcasts. To our shame and disgust – our daughters called for “free love and sex.” The antithesis of what we were fighting for.
2009 – what has changed ?
Women are treated with less respect than I had in 40′s and 50′s.
Husbands were beholden to be “fed” and being unpaid servants, took a risk that wives would run away to being shunned. Divorce was anti-social.
Lines were drawn until women became ‘gatvol.’
We took on “the men” then and still do – in educated democratic societies.
Unlike patriarchal.
They are not only absent in painful situations, they are not there when groceries have to be bought, when fees have to be paid, when hospital bills have to be paid, they are absent in all areas of their children’s lives. A big up to those guys that have taken on the responsibility for their own children and other men’s children, we commend you and appreciate you. And to those that are absent you ought to be ashamed of yourselves.
Whatever your perception of the media or the media’s perception of maternal/paternal relationships in this country, your headline is pure insult to all fathers in this land.
Thats all I have to say about that as I have nappies to change.
good point. and Jaco, what do fatherless failies got to do with black people anyway? there equally as many father less white families by, percentage i’m sure. Time for father to step up to the batting plate too, intead of avoiding the issues, Be Men gents. Even if you dont love the mother, still your kids any way the cookie crumbles. Whether or not you where drunk, high or just plain irrisponsible at the time.
In which world does this reader live in. Ofcourse, a man has his fair share of paternal responsibilities, but his primary role is that of the main income earner and the head of the house…..its the mother´s primary job to care for the brats…..those are the laws of nature.
…..typo (writer)…..
What about the fathers who want to be involved with their children but are refused these rights by the mother? How many of these cases are there? I know I’m one, where the mother of my child has decided she’d rather be on her own with complete disregard of our child’s rights and needs! We both work and both battle to make a living a four year old child is left with strangers to raise.. Mothers not as innocent as you are trying to imply in this article!!
I think we shouldnt loose focus.
We need to restore the family structure, Father and mothers are both important. Migrant labour and divroce are on the same, they have a huge impact on children. Nowadays both the mother and Fatehr are taken away form their children in order to find work.
I think the laws need to be changed particularly where domestic workers are concerned. Families who have domestic workers should provide accomodation for them on their properties and their children should also be allowed to live on those properties – perhaps a maximum of 3children. I have a domestic placement & cleaning agency and I have interviewed so many women who are away from their children, and it’s devastating what happens to these children – they have to raise themselves and most end up pregnant, infected with HIV and who is to blame? No one was there to give the necessary guidance that a parent is supposed to give. Many more end up working as domestic workers as well as they have never been exposed further than the villages where they raised themselves with a part time mother and maybe a father too.
Sometimes its not the poor education system we should blame but a poor family system and we are all to blame, and we need to change it.
Question child support grants which have turned child-bearing into a permanent income source.
I’m a single father, BTW. My 16 year old daughter lives with me. Her mother lives in the UK since 2003. No, I don’t receive child support. Neither do I moan about absentee mothers.
What about the grandmothers? My poor domestic is saddled with another grandchild to look after every year in our home. What if she DIDN’T have that job that involves looking after my kids, Philippa?
Sjoe, this is something I fight over sooo much. Great to see that someone else is also thinking about this subject.
And yes, the patriarchy finds many ways to blame women for merely existing. It’s depressing.
Shortly after hearing of a research report (can’t remember which) that quoted 42% of South African families being headed only by mothers, I also happened to hear some idiot phone into SAFM and say women should be barred from working. He thought there would then be jobs for men and children would be better brought up.
Had I not been allowed to work, my son and I would have been destitute. I also did several things wrong, like leaving my son occasionally alone at home at night, because I had to go out to work. The incidence of car hijacking in the area was so high, I deemed him safer in his own bed! He was also left alone once for an entire day, because I needed the work so badly.
There but for the grace of God, etc. May those men who do not take equal responsibility for their children, come back as extremely fertile women! For sure as hell, they won’t remember to use condoms!
Have you considered the 70% divorce rate, as well as substance abuse being a major influencing factor in “fatherless” families?
You all make valid points. Yes there are dead beat dads, yes caring for someone else child has put food on the table for many a mother and yes there are fathers fathering and mothering alone but the real issue is that on the balance women are parenting a lot more on their own than men are. I am parenting on my own and believe me I am committed to my ex having an active role in our 9 year old’s life. I however have to beg him for money, I have to remind him to call his daughter and just check how she is doing. I am on the verge of giving up on him because no one needs a reminder that they are a parent. I however often do it for my child’s sake because at this point in time I would rather spare her the pain that comes with the knowledge that your parent does not prioritize your needs.
Erm Phillipa..? I believe its called ‘being employed’?? A happy state of affairs for those who can get it. I am fortunate to be able to work from home three days a week but I can’t do it without the saint of a woman who looks after my children. She has raised six children on a domestic’s salary and sent four of them to university. I am in awe of her and consider us fortunate to be benefitting from her wisdom and experience. She’s the mother I wish I had! No matter where we are from – the townships, informal settlements or suburbs – we mothers have relied on each other. Thankfully everything is not always as black and white as you would perceive.
I think the author is sitting high on her feminist horse here…and while her efforts to propogate why woman get a bumb deal in society (shame) have some weight, the article does go some way to discount hundreds of thousands of good responsible fathers…
Voice of reason – Lali Immanuel.
Regarding the idea that black women are forced to abandon their children to work in white households the mathematics of this absurd concept don’t work… Maybe some moms do, but there are many millions of black moms and very few white madams, fewer and fewer of whom can afford the minimum wage.
Maybe the real truth is that the dad’s are dead:
A report released this week [discussed on Tim Modise's show with a relevant Minister] talks of the death rate having doubled over this decade.
So maybe since women seem increasingly to outlive men and the average age of men has declined, and statistically men between 18-30 are most likely to die early, perhaps a significant enough number of men have died to create the newsreader’s dilemma.
Hiya, if you read the piece you will realise she’s specifically talking about newspaper articles that act as though children do not have fathers; instead they focus on the mothers.
What I was suggesting is that there are so many fathers who are more involved now, and yet the media still seems to think only mothers are. Hope that clarifies it ffor you Hiya, Warren, Kanthan, Chris.
The issue is more complex than this feminist writer wants to imply…
“While divorced dads are unfairly stigmatized as stingy, some noncustodial fathers raise their children in their homes but still pay child support to the children’s mothers. Many others never ask for child support. In the face of a family court system which usually grants mothers a monopoly of power over children, these fathers must buy or rent their children back. When mothers allow their children to live with their fathers—or send them there because they’ve become unruly or inconvenient—fathers often won’t challenge custodial and financial arrangements because they fear doing so will mean they’ll be pushed out of their children’s lives.
Other fathers endure physical abuse at the hands of their wives but remain in the relationships because they know that divorce will leave their children alone in the custody—usually sole custody—of an abuser. Decades of research show that women are as likely to abuse their male partners as vice versa, and that heterosexual men make up a significant minority of those suffering injuries in domestic assaults. However, gender politics has kept this research from influencing government and law enforcement policies. Many men know that revealing their wives’ violence usually means the wife will claim that she was abused, and the system will side with her. Fathers are commonly arrested, punished or slapped with custody sanctions for their wives’ violence.”
- Jeffery M. Leving and Glenn Sacks
Thanks Joy er Marie I did read the article…my point is that the author focusses too much on the bum deal woman get in the media being vilified by the media for being responsible when something goes wrong.
Besides mentioning how fathers go off to work etc et al the author says…”Fathers do not have to be distant and powerful”…thanks. Thes rest is all about the moms, mothers and her relationship with her single mom…which in the end actually moves to reinforce why the media attributes the mother to any story regarding children…but then I guess I am reading this all wrong…and in that caseits ime to go read the sports pges or some other manly thing.
Jo and May: I agree it happens everywhere. In fact, there are quite a few white people who work as nannies and cleaners for black people in the USA but in SA the servant is always black. That was my point. The babysitter for my youngest daughter is a university student who also works part-time in a language school.
Phillipa dude what is the make-up of this country? white polulation is about 6%, black population is 90%+ add to that the socio economic make up of this country and…gosh it is tedious work this explaining…
White nannies working for black people…shock of all horrors…get the chip off your shoulder and move on…