One can only pity the wretched rugby commentator in straight-laced 1930s New Zealand who, on reading the Springbok team list, was confronted with the name “Ebbo Bastard”. “This one, I think we’ll call Smith”, was what he actually said in the end.
In a previous post, I recounted my ordeal over once having to ask for someone whose name was Jacob Poo. Talking about awkward moments for sports commentators, has any one heard of the unhappy cricket commentator who informed listeners, “The bowler’s Holding, the batsman’s Willey”.
Some people are indeed lumped with unfortunate surnames, which surely must leave lasting psychological scars. Ramsbottom, Smallbone, Fokker, Freake … cruel, really. I had a university acquaintance, poor chap, called “Dickman”. I well remember the brief, agonised slump of his shoulders when the reading out of his name evoked a spiteful snigger from a young lady present. I hope she ended up marrying someone called Glasscock.
Some names fall into the almost-too-good-to-be-true category. As one “Hoffy” reported, “I have a friend called Pat Condom. You won’t believe it, but he married a Margret Prick” (adding, almost superfluously in the circumstances, that “the best man’s speech was brilliant”). Then there is my former director, Yehuda Kay. I was delighted to discover that his second name was Yaakov, enabling me to jocularly, and quite accurately, refer to him as Y2K.
A shlemazel member of the Jewish student body at Rhodes in my day was called “Aron Moron”. Probably, this referred to Mount Maron in Israel, but who would want to go through life explaining that? I checked the telephone directory, and there were no Morons in it. Presumably they all emigrated, to the South Pole if they had any sense.
In the theatrical/film professions, having a decent-sounding name is a matter of professional survival. Debonair charmer Cary Grant could hardly have made the same impact as “Archie Leach”, his birth-name, and it is hard to imagine John Wayne, who epitomised craggy American manliness for half a century, becoming more than a bit-part player had he remained Marion Morrison.
Most of the great composers were quite lucky in that their names would seem to be just right. This is especially true, I think, of Mozart, whose very name has a certain sublime ring to it. It needn’t have been that way. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart could just easily have been born Uddo Ulrich Schnauzengrubel.
Charles Dickens was particularly brilliant when it came to concocting names for his characters, such as Wackford Squeers, Uriah Heep and Sarey Gamp. Other authors nearly made critical blunders, however. Scarlett O’Hara’s original name was Pansy, and for a long time Tolkien’s Frodo in The Lord of the Rings was called Bingo.
Has anyone else got some funny-disastrous surnames to share?
let’s talk about Saks…..
Sportsman of the year for 1983, 1984 and 1985 at my old High School was Peter Enis. They only used his initial and surname for ’84 and ’85. I kid you not.
I also went to school with a guy who was Allcock. I mean his surname was Allcock, not sure about the rest.
I once heard of a woman with the double barreled suname mycock-burns. This one may be urban legend though.
There was a Ms Cock and Mr Ball sharing an apartment in my block year or two back – she was bleak when she discovered his surname (once he’d moved in).
Then there’s SA’s best known conductor, Richard Cock. A Dr Morom works at False Bay hospital.
And while it’s not a surname, I came across a kid at school in the UK whose first name was Anus (family had just moved from India). The deputy head was responsible for adding a second ‘n’, but it didn’t stop the “We’ve got to get to the bottom of this” and “stop farting about, Mr Jones” whenever he was being discussed.
An old school chum and next door neighbour was called Lippy Lipshitz. Luckily we’d grown up together right from infancy and were staunch mates before his name ever became funny.
When I worked for Telkom in the 1980′s a colleague had to phone a Doctor to find out whether he was happy with the service given, The Doctor answered the phone with “Fart speaking” my colleague doubled over laughing. Needless to say, the poor doctor was called about 20 times afterward in order to allow every one the chance to hear the greeting.
I forgot to mention a few unfortunate place names I’ve noted: Peniston, Maidenhead, Shitterton and even a F…. in Austria. There was also the time I saw a home with the owner’s name brazenly displayed: “P. Wank”. I stood there laughing helplessly until the dogs chased me off.
Just love the comments!
Bastard (pronounced Basstid) was a well-known name, including several Michaelhouse boys.
I went to school with an Alistair Woodcock and fairly recently stummbled upon correspondence addressed to a Mrs. Dumbfart… N i asked myself all these generations and no-one thought of a name change. Woodcok for instance was a subject of relentless ridicule all the way from Primary School…
I went to high school with a young man whose name was Mursedick (pronounced “moerse-dick”)
Indeed lets talk about Saks……
OK. Get clean.
Ours is not that bad, but no one ever manages to spell it correctly and we all get quite bored repeating ourselves, ad nauseum. When my father lived in the UK, he used to leave his dry cleaning under his Christian name ‘Hilton’, just to make life easier.
Can’t imagine why. He was ‘Boet’ to everyone who knew him, including his kids! I suspect this was the only time he ever used the name he was christened.
At school, also in the UK, my brother was known by the last syllable, only ‘Hoff’ and he later married a woman who swore that was despite his surname, the only unattractive thing, she thought, about him.
Years later, when he left some dry cleaning in SA, I was astounded to hear him ask for the clothing for ‘Hilton’.
Then, one day, I was delegated to pick up my son’s laundry. Since I didn’t marry, I’ve been stuck with the name and have passed it on to Junior. Guess what name he’d used? ‘Hilton’, his last of three Christian names…
Men just don’t have the staying power of their women, do they?
My late mother insisted that she knew a family with surname “Down” who named their children “Neil” and “Ida”.
Then of course there is the unfortunate Mr Poephol van der Merwe who was so embarrassed by his name that he had it changed to Poephol Venter.
My friend Robert Sole had a hard time at school whenever he made a mistake in class. (rrs ‘ ole)
If you enjoy patronymics why leave out Hoenderdos
There is a dentist in Joburg central with the name Antoine Fok. Oriental Gentleman.