Dear John
It is strange to start a letter like that. It has the connotations of a break-up. That we are splitting up, parting ways. Well, in some ways we are. I’m going deep undercover in Australia. For the next while, I will be living like a bogan. I will be wearing the stubbies and drinking from the stubby holder. I will be ferreting in the drainpipe of humanity looking for answers. Don’t ask me why, but accept that is better for the planet that I do this.
But I do have a favour to ask. Whatever happens on Saturday, you have to beat the Aussies. There can be no mistakes this time. We don’t want to be left holding the boot. Because I will be taking the boot if that happens. From every bloody smug Aussie under the Sun. I know rugby union isn’t their biggest sport, but they do like to win, and they do like to tell a man about it.
And I know all about that. I was there in 2003 for that World Cup. Yes, that one. When we were sent packing in the quarterfinals. Oh, lord, did I hear it then. From the Aussies and the English and every other monkey on Bondi Beach. I grinned and smiled and cursed inside. I bought them beers, even when I was the butt of their jeers. Hoping, praying that if I plied them with cheap schooners of lager, they would soften up on the banter. I call it banter but it was more like buggery. Verbal abuse that only got louder with every beer, until I felt like Steve Irwin must felt, when that big stingray stuck a barb through his heart. Those Aussies chucked me on the barbie and left me to braai like a cheap shrimp. I was so deranged from the experience I scuttled off to India to find my soul in the old zol bowl that is Manali and McLeod Ganj. I fell from grace until I hit the deck in Amsterdam. I was lower than sea-level, drowning in my own sorrow. A spent man, all because of the hounding of a pack of two-legged dingoes.
If you’re thinking that’s your problem, not mine, then you need to have a look at this. It’s a tweet from Quade Cooper. He’s been hanging out in Cape Town, eating pizza and going to the movies. Probably went to watch Bambi and laughed at the bit when the little bok’s mum got shot. He would’ve been elbowing his buddy, Kurtley Beale, saying, “Aah, look mate, that little bok needs to harden the fuck up!” Hahaha, popcorn spitting out his mouth everywhere.
And look at this. It’s a photo of him at Bishops school. He saying to the kids, you don’t want to play for the springboks, you want to be awesome like me, and wear this cool vest and little shorts I got.
John, these guys, this guy, needs to be taught a lesson. On Saturday I need you to focus on that little bok and how he felt when the hunters shot his bok-mum’s brains all over the snow. And I want you to get revenge. Do it for Bambi, do it for Victor, do it for the fans, the country, for those boys at Bishops, do it for poor old PdV, hell, do it for me. I know I am being selfish and you have enough problems to worry about. But your shoulders are big and I’m sure there’s enough space up there for my woes.
Bambi, John, Bambi!
Your friend
David
PS. If you are reading this, can you also please vote for my blog. It is that big button up there on the right. Thank you.
Voted!!
Please do it for the nation and make us proud!!
David, why the fawning, ingratiating tone? Just look at the vital issues and statistics around the likelihood of the Boks beating the Aussies.
I share only this with you – yes we have to win. Frankly and sadly we can win only if John and other long serving players do not even jog onto the field tomorrow. They must hold themselves responsible for turning our passion and admiration into dismay because their egos will not allow them to exit the team graciously until the obvious becomes obvious to rugby’s selectors. After 60 minutes look how long it takes John and Victor to get up after a tackle or to join a breakdown. They are there for for their experience is the staid response i’m sure. Making Springbok squad is not reward for service, loyalty and longevity, or has the standard been changed? There are other platforms for these great attributes. Despite the highest ever no of caps put out on a field against our Tri-Nations contestants this year, poor decisions and lack of basics cost us badly. Poor decisions cost us two tries in five minutes last week. So much for our vaunted experience. We all know that there is a better Springbok team available that can run out and beat both the Kiwis and the Wallabies, and they know it too. How do we get this message across to the selectors and the institutionalized?
I care too much about Springbok rugby to vote yes to your letter
Few truer words have ever been spoken. My vote is in the pipes…and tis surely travelling at the speed of an angry Springbok…
Nice one, will definately vote for you.
@Chris Roux
I fawn because what other tone is there to use when writing about a little deer?
BTW, I’m hoping you watch the game today.
I watched, was my 1st Tri-nations match this season. Glad I missed the others. The guys were lucky to win, but at the end of the day their experience (!) paid off.