I went for a run tonight. And I had a business idea. Terror camp. It is like one of those fitness boot camps. But run by jihadists. Now before you click on the home button or do something silly like go read an article about Juju or ET, let me lay this plan out for you.
The fitness dollar is a good dollar. There is millions to be made. Everyone dreams of being fit and thin. Everyone wants that little skinny ass that fits nicely into a pair of Cheap Mondays. If you don’t know what those are, don’t worry, you are probably too fat to get into them. The world is cruel like that. It wasn’t made for porkers like you and me. It was made for the hipsters and the libertines in their skinny jeanpant (that’s a hint on the Cheap Monday thing). Like the kids I work with. Who hang about all day playing table tennis, doing tricks on their fixies, laughing a lot and looking phat. While I sit upstairs in my straight cut jeans, feeling glum and looking fat. Wishing I could be a rad skinny lad.
Well, what better way to do it than by declaring jihad on your flab at Terror Camp? As a trainee jihadist you are pretty much banned from drinking booze, going to clubs, hanging out with chicks or watching any sort of TV shows. So what else you gonna do but get into shape?
The programme would start with a short video statement. Your own personal fatwa on fat. Where you get to name and shame all those dirty purveyors of infidel lard that have led to you having the mother of all asses. The pigdog capitalist devil scum like Ronald, the Colonel and Spongebob. Yes, that’s right, Spongebob. That cute little cartoon sea sponge is evil. He has sucked up billions of hours of kids’ playtime, turning children across the planet into shapes that are vaguely reminiscent of him. He has generated a generation of spongeblob children. And to add to all, he has suckered them into buying a million tons of happy meals, junior whoppers and Spongebob bucket meals. In Australia they even gave him an award for his efforts — the 2007 pester power award for the manipulative marketing of junk food to kids. Yes, Spongebob, you’ve got us angry. And the good thing about anger? It burns carbs. And that’s what terror camp is all about.
Now, I won’t lie to you, the training at terror camp will be tough. It is terror camp after all. Hot temperatures, long hikes through the mountains, lot of cave-work and the occasional skirmish. But the good thing is there are plenty of awesome motivators at terror camp. Like daisy cutter bombs, apache attack helicopters and a personal favourite — the predator drone. An unmanned plane that can shoot a fly off a camel’s back or just destroy a whole village of innocent people. But that’s what is awesome about it. It keeps you on your toes. Keeps you moving, agile, loose and afraid. And what’s the good thing about fear? You guessed it, it burns carbs. And that’s what terror camp is all about.
Lot of you folks out there are probably business minded, you read some pretty high-brow stuff (like this), you know the skinny on a successful business model. You know what’s cooking and what’s not. And you’re probably thinking, well, there’s a lot of fitness programmes out there saying this and that is gonna get rid of your fat. What makes this one unique? What is that killer angle that is gonna make this venture just blow up?
Well, exactly that. If our course hasn’t helped, if the intense training, fatigue, battles, lack of booze, food and sex hasn’t done its job, we’ll blow that excess weight right off you with one final mission. It’s like a wise man in Soldier of Fortune magazine once said: There is not a single problem in this world that can’t be solved with the tactical application of semtex. There is a good chance there won’t be much left of you, but at least all those flabby bits will be gone. Well, we shouldn’t say entirely gone, but definitely spread over a few square blocks. Like a thin layer of margarine over a slice of chunky wholemeal toast. Now that’s healthy.
Ah David I see a flaw in your logic! One’s body is sure to collect a large amount of shrapnel and bullets in terrorist camp. Also, artificial limbs can be heavy pieces of equipment, especially the iron hands and hooks we know terrorists use.
Some more ideas in order of the speed of results:
1. Scuba diving in shark infested waters
2. Getting a stomach bug (it’s amazing how well this works!)
3. In the same vein as the previous point: eating SAA in-flight meals
A marketing idea to help it sell – Jihad (or is that GId?) Joe actions figures for the kids.
But you did neglect to mention (or is it in the fine print) the hazards of DU exposure (2 links) from the drones – that could get you sued…
sign me up dude!
Cute. Might Work. Or, you could come and live in an SA city and have all that on the way to and from work without the Jihadist connotations. Just think, you could jog the kids and wife to school/work shouting “hut, hut, hut” and teach them mortal combat while negotiating through the muggers, hijackers, strikers and beggars.
For a while now, a couple of us have thought of starting our very own SA City Survivor. It would feature such interesting chapters as: buying booze from a shebeen in Langa after 10pm on a Saturday night and, taking the Sunday morning Lavis train to Cape Town or, you go to a bar beyond the boerewors curtain where you endlessly criticise mullets (very nice workout that one, high dentistry bill). I suppose it is all a matter of perspective and environment.
The big question I ask is why is everyone getting into Terror Camps. It seems everyone is getting into it. Take Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe. He’s extremely busy setting up Terror Camps throughout Zimbabwe. He does it every time there is an election in the wind. This gives new meaning to electioneering. It’s easily the best way to win elections. Simply get your militia to rape, beat and murder enough voters into submission. The fear factor forces voters to vote for zanupf and dead voters documents are used to vote for zanupf. It’s called Ghost voting and South Africa’s Minister of Labour knows all about this.
You would be going into competition with these guys:
http://www.bootcamp-sa.co.za/
Perhaps you could have a paintball war against them too… Except, your team wouldn’t get guns, you’d detonate a bucket of paint on all near you…
Sign me up, man. Nothing else has worked – I think the most crucial part of this training would be being denied alcohol. It is not that I am fat because I have bad eating habits, you see, it is that I drink too much and then that rouses every bad eating habit you can imagine, and the fact that I drink beer doesn’t help the carb situation much.
My favourite thing to do during the weekend is to go out Friday and get sloshed, 3am go for like 6 hotdogs at the BP, sleep all Saturday. Wake up late, get sloshed then go for 5 McDonalds burgers at 2am. Sleep most of Sunday, wake up after 2pm, cook lamb curry and pasta, eat that, watch Sunday football while polishing off a dozen cold ones.
Yup, I need your camp. Will we have cool slogans like “ Aaaai, agggrrr baaal!?”
this infidel has a good idea…
What a faker (or should that be fakir?).
You are not real because you never mentioned the best weightloser there is, which is not to die for. That is the suicide bomber’s vest. With explosives and the ball bearings it can weigh 40 lbs, even before you add the weight of the canvas and the webbing. Then you need to add the heavy burka or felt/karakul robe to disguise the body shape. Then the long walk through the shopping mall or to the mosque. Then, and this is the best bit, you, the coach, fit a dud detonator. The magic moment when 50 virgins await, you push the button and – nothing. My God that makes you sweat buckets. The cream on the top, as one might say.
Sumo, you are spot-on – it’s the beer that leads us to the donna kebab, the burger, the quarter mutton and the vetkoek. But oh, it does taste good. Oh, well, I guess we are doomed to be sinners.
@The Sumo – Yikes, If I was your heart and liver, I’d sue you for abuse! Just kidding. Simple solution, put your kitchen 3 blocks down from your TV and disconnect the lift, rent in a low-incoming neighbourhood so that trips up and down become exiting and gets the heart pumping. Good cardiovascular, adrenalin-rich workout.
Who’s up for my walking and boating (Tour de Piracy) tours in Somalia? I’ve had to go further afield now that there is some scoff in Zim. And all the dangerous wildlife has been eaten.
Where do i sign up for this???? Im looking for an intense boot camp i can attend during my varsity holiday in June. i mean i wanna have a real die hard camp. sleep there eat there die there sort of thing. I wanna be changed completely. Where do i join??? What options are there??