It seems you were right. The natives are out to get us. I have tried to help them out, teach them a thing or two about democracy and living the rainbow dream, but all they have done is taunt me.
I put on their bloody T-shirt and they laughed at me. I played their records and invited them round for tea, but they just spat in my mug and told me they don’t listen to that type of music any more. In fact, some of them even told me they had never listened to that music at all. I was most disturbed. I said, “Can’t we all just get along?” They said no.
I was desperate so I told them I like pap. They said we like potato. I said I like Black Label. They said we like Windhoek. I said I like KFC (even though I’m a vegan). They said we like Nando’s. I hit on a brain wave and said I like Orlando Pirates. They said we like Man United. “But you’re black?”, I answered, “Those are white people things … ”
Suddenly the truth dawned on me they are coming for our stuffs. They are not happy to just have their things, they want all the things. My liewe god, Oom Paul, hear my cry! These okes are going to eat me alive. I don’t think the 12ft high wall and the boom-gate are going to keep them out. I am packing my bag right now and coming to Orania. Is there space for me there by the farm? I know how to grow organic vegetables and I can make a very nice lentil dhal. I learnt the recipe at the ashram.
Kind regards
Your friend
The white (sort of) liberal
P.S. I was wondering if I left my Ray-Bans there on my last visit. They seem to have gone missing.
Ha! Hahaha! You have given me much mirth.
Well played, Mr. Smith.
http://www.artsreview.co.za/fashion/2009/03/19/fuck-the-rainbow-nation-coz-94-changed-fokol-blackwash/
let the games begin…
David , this is funny stuff. Those Ray bums are causing a lot of strife aint they.
I am glad these blogs are coming out now. For so long I have had to endure a lot of tripe on these forums with the white liberals blowing their own horns vuvuzelas would not dare compete. The only lone voice was Sandie memela and he was being drowned out.
You said someone spat in your mug up there. I assume you said this in jest.Its happening in reality.Nobody likes to toil over a boiling jug while the white women sit on their fat backsides and order the around. Think about it
Thanks this is real humour, defined as “a laugh and a tear”.
I love this type of humour. Nothing like a good bit of banter, what I say ol chap. It appeals to my rightous stiff upper lip no shit mentality.
Thanks David Smith you made my day.
Mwaha. Time for everyone in SA to get over themselves, whatever category they fall into
V funny
classic
A war has begun, how long will it last
You can do what u want to win them over,at the end of the day you are still a whitie. Shouting, don’t kill me-dont kill me, I voted for the ANC, will also not help.Best to be a whitie and not feel guilty about it and take what comes your way.
Hahaha!!!
You forgot the part of how they have taken over the Camps Bay Beach and surrounding restaurants!!!
Classic
Love you work David, you sounded like my ouma!
Aahahaha
Fantastic, I love these posts.
I think Verashni got a good thing started
“I was desperate so I told them I like pap…”
Bwaahaa…
C’mon…
Time for the next one..What about…
” Dear Mr Black Capitalist”
Or how about
” Dear Mr Black Communist”
Oh Sorry, might be a bit difficult to tell the difference between those two..then what about../
” Dear Mr Youth Leader”..Aha…now that should stir up a little hornets nest….
hey no worries,
it works the other way around too.
i am black,listen mainly to soft rock and a rabid follower of man united, wont touch black label ,do prefer brandy and coke, i swear i have never eaten kfc in my life (weird but true)
let both sides drop the stereotypes and accept that taste is individual but i must admit watching you eat pap with your bare hand would be hilarious ,
cheers
David,
Perhaps it’s time to go for the 18 foot wall ?
Or the 6 foot deep suburban plot ?
Fellow-w(r/h)ite-liberal
Enjoyable but when it comes to Whites, you got to love the White Liberals because even though they have their flaws (so many flaws) at least their not White Conservatives (you know the kind I mean –those who think the ANC is racist-fascist and apartheid was just a re-zoning policy that went a step too far).
Funny, but a tad sad also. I just hope it stays with jest least our darker brethren have to hang their heads in shame 200 years from now. What a waste of development time.
Hee hee hee
As for me I’m not after anything belonging to a white person. I live my life as an individual African.
This while person seems to be making funy out of black people.
If black people are after white people’s things what about white people who invaded this continent and took everything that African people owned.
Please baas Smith try to be secelective when it come to jokes
Thanks Dave and Sipho for some of the best Thought Leader pieces.
I read Sipho’s yesterday and nearly fell over backwards at how thin skinned some of the comments were (Lyndall Berry etc.).
Great work – right up there with Khaya Dlanga
Ha ha David you can only keep at it for so long you old “leapord”.
A quick question, are you saying that blacks should NOT aspire for the “finer” things in life because you can not stand seeing a darkie doing well at it? Remember you brought it here!
I can see a patronising fake a mile away!
Feck that was good. In the words of Sipho Hlongwane: Well played.
Now THIS is how you do humour. Textbook stuff.
Very funny! you wear a lot of caps for one so young. Funny that and lucky you wherever you are. As a liberal I am ready to die for the masses by staying here and I live in a grey but very nice friendly suburb in a house which I don’t own but don’t pay rent. Nothing beats education and planning except death and I’m ready for it. We all have to die one day somehow even those we love to hate and money makes you nothing but enemies.
Guys, you are all welcome to all my ‘culture’, from Shakespeare to opera, Yorkshire Pudding to trifle and education to medicine, but please have the grace to leave my personal space alone. My home may be hardly a castle and my electronic equipment’s so old that I still have a turntable, but I still prefer it to be just mine!
Lovely, Mr Smith!
@ Frank Nnete:
I love that website. Black consciousness messages interspaced with advertisements for interracial romance. Gads, that’s even funnier than this article!
Ha ha ha South Africa is so colorful even in disagreement!
Its toungue-in-cleavage-funny what more people want!
you are a satarist my boy
Sure Baas Smith!! Good one!
So when are the likes of you going to pack for good old Perth, so as to spare yourselves all these horrendous sights?????
Which explain all this brouhaha against Malema (with a R250 thousands-wrist watch)?
Baas Smith, rest assured in the comfort that you are not alone in being puked by the sight of a darkie (swarte), who shows such a good taste at what is supposed to be out of his league.
No wonder every whitie is quick to remind every African that they haven’t ‘invented’ anything in this world; hence do not have a right to have good taste, let alone enjoy everything that’s supposed to make life enjoyable.
Even apartheid intended to stunt and deny the Africans that simple access to knowledge that will embarrass the white folks, hence a big crime for a darkie to address an ‘afrikaaner’ in good old queen’s lingo. This was such a crime that the embarrassed baas will make sure that, that darkie is not employable within that locality.
It seems every race is allowed to copy from other cultures for self development purposes, bar the African.
I’ve always maintained to my friends that the mere presence of white folks like you in Africa has been, and will always be a stay upon, not only self-determination but eventually, the progress of the Africans.
Man G,
I’m afraid you miss the point of piece. I would explain but to explain a joke is to ruin it. And my inner writer couldn’t handle the blow to his ego!
But you do raise an interesting point about the plight of the successful black man. And you are right to an extent. But this is not entirely a race issue. it is more about the newly rich and the old rich. Around the world the newly rich take it on the chin from the old rich. Because the old money feels threatened by new money. they feel their power slipping away. Of course they don’t say that, they disguise their fear in matters of “taste” – claiming that the newly wealthy have no idea how to live with money. they call them vulgar and crass. “Oh, how can they drive that awful sports car?” they say as they get into their Jaguar.
But the truth is they realise that the guard is changing. And the clock is ticking.
Anyways, that’s my two cents on the matter.
Great that most folks get the humour, just a couple of guys with huge chips on their shoulders that didn’t.
Keep it up Dave, its just the jokes about our safety in SA that I don’t appreciate coming from someone living in safe Amsterdam..
Baas Smith
I do appreciate the humor in what you have presented. I however, would like to bring to your attention the fact that some of us experienced, in real life situations, that which passes as a joke to most white folks.
Not long ago (1990’s), after my qualification as a technician, I joined a well known mining company for my experiential training. Then it was acceptable for young darkies not to have cars, let alone know how to drive one.
I however managed to buy a car within two months of my employment.
Man, Baas Smith, I regretted my action then and still do now.
What started as just simple humorous comments escalated into downright verbal abuse from my white training officer.
I had to resign from that company rather than to face the humiliation of being told how little I deserve to be employed, every working day.
The piece you have written is unfortunately arousing some negative feeling in victims of petty racism that was endured in this country.
Although not an apt analogy, this could be liken to a German making an innocent joke about the holocaust, and expect a Jew to discern the humor in what is being said.
Baas Smith, as much as we need humor in life , even in worse situations, it is regrettable that some jokes will touch a wrong nerve and draw the opposite of what was intended.
Nevertheless, have the spirit, baas Smith, don’t be deterred!!
yaahh nehh,”sephiri se utulugile”, (a Sepedi phrase for saying the secrecy has been burst open for all and sundry)
It’s no secret that Malema will pay you a visit in Orania in his Merc.