Last week I wrote about South Africa’s hate affair with the pedestrian. And judging by some of the comments, there is a lot of hate out there! One chap even said he would go out of his way to knock me down if he saw me on the street. Needless to say I have shaved my beard and I now go running in a balaclava to hide my identity. I have also started speaking in an Australian accent to further confuse this crazed driver and his nutter brethren. Anyway, to be honest I expected these sorts of comments. South Africans are a fairly militant bunch. Years of craziness have left us slightly scarred and a bit mental. Sort of like old smack-heads trying to come clean, we still have that twitch about us. And this attitude extends to our behaviour on the road.
Which is why I have been a little surprised by the country’s reaction to the saga of blue-light brigade. While we love to drive like loons, we also seem to love getting our knickers in a knot over this blue-light bully, Officer Dladla. An ongoing story that has been in and out the press for the last year. If you don’t know about it, this is the short version. Some driver was in the fast lane and Zuma’s cavalcade wanted to get past but the driver didn’t move. So the cavalcade forced the driver out the way and then shot at him just to make sure he wasn’t a terrorist. By South African driving norms, none of you should be blinking an eye now. You should be reading that and thinking, what’s the big deal? This driver clearly deserved it. Slowing down traffic, hindering a man in a bigger car and generally just causing a nuisance. They should have machine gunned his car. Called for air support and napalmed that bitch’s ass.
Ok, maybe the napalm is a bit excessive. But you get my point. Officer Dladla, by the unwritten law of the streets, was within his rights to take umbrage to this other driver. It doesn’t matter that the other driver was an 85-year-old retiree. And it doesn’t matter the middle lane was too busy for him to move over. He was in an old skedonk going slow. He was in the way. And we can’t accept that. It is like one Marius de Kock said on my last post: It is a Darwinian thing. Our roads are all about the survival of the fittest. Well, not really the fittest, you can be a blubber whale, but as long as you can fit behind the wheel of your 7-Series or your Range Rover with the custom made bulbar, you are fit to rule this car-eat-car world. And right at the top of that petrol chain sits the presidential cavalcade. Not one car but a whole line of them working in unison to stamp their authority on the road. Like the way a pack of hyenas can eat a lion, this posse feel nothing for the Hummer, the 750i and even the 18-wheeler. So an old boy in a hatchback is padkos to them. A 1400cc biltong stick. To be devoured in one gulp. And rightly so.
But it seems people have turned their back on the natural order of the bitumen jungle. They have decided to vilify this poor chap, Officer Dladla. People have said that he needs to stand trial. He must be held accountable for his actions. He must pay for this crime. It is no wonder the man went to court yesterday claiming to be depressed. He feels like the entire zoo has turned on him. Made him the scapegoat for all their ills. He must be sitting there thinking, what did I do? The president-to-be was in the back of the car and some old fella got in the way. I was only defending our traditions, the customs of our streets. I was only doing what everyone does in their own small way.
P.S. To the guy on Kloof Street who wouldn’t let me in his shop with the balaclava, I didn’t like your stuff anyway.
..What a amusing article..had a good laugh ! You are right,though: us South Africans – maybe really are a crazy,slightly touched,’battle fatigured’ and ‘shell-shocked’ peoples..that can still laugh..at this true, but rather sad, blog ! Makes one think. I mean..which other population group ..?The Poms?The Yanks,?the Ozzies,the French, ?The Chinese, The Indians, The Germans, The Dutch,the Norwegians, The Poles…and all the rest, would have a chuckle at this article. Is it just, us South Africans.. Us Africans..that would be able to find the funny side to this ‘sad ,but true story’…or is it, maybe just that our ANC Government is ‘one big circus’ ,filled with a silly bunch of Clowns. And Clowns..are pretty funny sometimes….and gauranteed to make you laugh…not so ! So, maybe we shouldnt be too surprised !
Very funny and true. I enjoyed reading both blogs.
David J Smith I think you are cool!Your tongue is almost poking through your balaclava-covered cheek!
We want the lawmakers to keep their own laws. Of course, the entire zoo is after him!
Great reading. Thanks very much. Thought Leader is so much nicer with a little light relief!
Really enjoyed your brand of South African humor David J. Smith(the other Smith …..of course!)
I fail to see that this is amusing. This is how it is. This is how it should be. The roads are not for wimps. Hey get out of my way I’m a South African and we have taxi drivers that we try to emulate. If they can do it .so can we . Get real, join the club and enjoy. It’s a free country.where are the fat , lazy, corrupt Metros?
Very amusing article but I disagree with ‘perplexed’, most mediterranean countries and aussies will enjoy a chuckle with this article. I must tell you all though, you still don’t have a patch on Egypt, Israel or lebanon. If you are the passenger, it’s best to close your eyes during the trip and enjoy the scenery some other time. Here in Cyprus where I live, a lot of tourists ask about any special thing to do or observe when they rent vehicles. The answer is almost universal, ‘just try not to die’, and we think the guys above are savages behind the wheel.
One thing is clear though, any presidential or ministerial cavalcade (2 maybe 3 cars)observe the rules to the letter and even stop at traffic lights.
good work dave-o. funny stuff!
When this incident was first reported, it was said to be the presidential convoy, and Makgalis was the president then, and he was the guy who was being driven, instead of JZ. But, over the past week, we have heard that JZ was the man who was being driven. Who’s fooling who here? Anyway, this is a great article. I see there are still a few South Africans with a sense of humour! Big ups, but clarify us who was being driven by the ‘Presidential’ convoy last year!
Darwinian evolution of a more complex traffic beast. Beeyatifool.
That means that to survive against these new beasts, we stragglers need to evolve into our own car pods of 10 or more and move at speed, armed, aggro and twitchy on the trigger in highway-dominating, lone vehicle removing formation. Maybe some permanent vehicle mounted weaponry and a bit of armour. Let those lard-arsed Metro jokers try to stop the nasty newly-evolved thing sprung forth from the primordial traffic soup going at 180 angry km/h. In fact, let the Prez in his lowly last year’s 1.0 try to push past version 2.0. We will see who they call Zooma my friend. I feel the power, bring me my machine gun car!