We’ve all seen those videos on the news where Osama bin Laden speaks, delivering messages about blowing stuff up, the evilness of this or that person, calling this nation or that nation the scourge of the planet and threatening them with a painful death and imminent destruction. The ones that really set his place in the world as no.1 jihadist. One of my personal favourites was when he compared George Bush to an ill-tempered goat that digs from the ground a sharp knife with which he’d later be slaughtered. Yup, it’s random but it’s kind of funny. He also said he’d never attack Sweden. Yet another reason why I think Sweden may be the most hardcore nation in the world. Not even Osama will mess with them.
Apart from these little nuggets of wisdom, there is one other thing that always pops into my mind when I am watching these videos. The fact that behind the camera there is a person. A budding filmmaker. I’d even go so far as to call him a director. You can scoff and say it’s just some guy with a digicam, but someone has to make the decisions on how the shot will be framed, what the angle will be, what the lighting will look like. Will there be a machine gun on Osama’s lap? Should it be laying left to right or right to left? What is the backdrop going to be? A plain cave wall or a flag with some religious text on it? Which text do we use? Do we go hardcore and put a case of grenades in there or maybe a rocket launcher propped against the wall? These are all questions that have to be answered before you can make your movie. They are questions every director faces. So yes, behind that camera is a director.
And beyond just the director, there is probably a scriptwriter or even a few scriptwriters. These guys will work with the talent (Osama) and the director to get the tone of the piece right. What words to use and which words to hit harder than others … Whaddya think. Emphasis on CURSE or on INFIDEL SCUM? … I’m pretty sure that Osama doesn’t just do one take, he does a few … I’m not happy with that last line. I just wasn’t feeling it. Let’s take it from the top … Then there would be questions about his wardrobe. Flak jacket and bandolier or just the jacket? Everything will be considered. Even that watch he wears in some of videos, someone thought about that. Is it too flashy? What brand is it? Is it an infidel brand? You laugh, but one of Osama’s ex-buddies got photographed last year using an iPhone. His reputation is toast. No more jihad for him. It’s the same for Osama. Imagine what would happen if someone recognised his watch as a Raymond Weil … Sheeeeeeeiit! That be a Raymond Weil. That mofo, he be wearing a Jewish watch! … I’m not sure why I imagined Clay Davis from The Wire figuring out that Osama is wearing a Jewish watch but if he did, Osama’s terrorist cred would be done for. He’d be like Kramer after his pitchfork incident. Working the retirement village circuit in Florida. Or in his case, working the village hall scene in Waziristan.
As we all know, Al Qaeda aren’t the only ones making these vids. We got a whole bunch of folks out there in the terror world who are making them. We got the bros in Iraq, the Chechens and the dudes in Somalia. All pumping out little movies for their shticks. But if there was an Oscar for best foreign language terror video, it would go to Hezbollah. They are without a doubt the undisputed kings of terrorvision. From their crazy editing techniques to use of music to seamless integration of graphics and type, they are next level. I have a few favourites that I’ll scatter through the rest of this piece. But I don’t recommend on clicking on all of them at once because you’ll probably find yourself on some sort of terrorism watch-list. (Mr CIA man, if you are reading this, I swear I only watched the videos once and afterwards I put on my Top Gun CD and played Highway to the Danger Zone on repeat until all the bad thoughts had been driven out of my brain).
Probably top of my list is this Hezbollah training film. It’s only got 30 000 hits on YouTube but that doesn’t mean it’s bad. It reminds me of when John Rambo goes to fight with the Mujahedeen in Rambo 3. The one where he’s like a one-man-jihad taking on the entire Russian army, in between games of Buzkashi (dead-sheep polo). Well, this is a little bit like that but without the dead sheep. It’s got the music and the awesome low shots where the boots step straight over camera. It’s even got the dude planning out battle tactics by scratching in the dirt with his knife. It’s classic Hollywood. Some real work went into it. Okay, maybe it isn’t Michael Mann or Kubrick. But respect to the kid who directed it. It’s tough working on a low budget indie production and trying to make it look like a blockbuster. A lot of young filmmakers out there would feel his pain.
But Hezbollah hasn’t just left its business in the hands of a few auteurs. They may be the only international terrorist group to have its own ad agency. No bullshit. I read it in Newsweek. A small creative shop in Beirut called Idea Creation does all their ads. I have to say, I’ve worked with some pretty shifty clients in my time in advertising — fast-food giants, booze companies and the occasional oil company — but you’d need some big balls to work with these dudes. You’d be presenting ideas to Hassan Nasrallah. This is a guy who was (and still is) willing to go mano-a-mano with the Israeli army. I’m scared to just smoke dope with Israelis, never mind go to war with them. It’s like that line the narrator says in the Machete trailer — They just fucked with wrong Mexican. Well, Nasrallah, he’s that guy but in Lebanon. You’d be like: So do you want us to put the logo above the man with the machine-gun or below him? Oh, look, the man with the machine-gun, it’s you. Fancy that? … And at that point you would officially shit in your pants. And no one could blame you. So I have to tip my hat to those ad dudes from Beirut, they’ve taken on the challenge and done what sounds like some pretty cool work for Hezbollah. One particularly nice idea was a series of signs that were placed near large bomb craters. The signs simply said: Made in the USA. It’s good clever stuff no matter what side of the political line you stand on. And probably no worse than working for a cigarette company. Come to think of it, they could probably use that old Winston line. Hezbollah. We light up the sky. Anyone know the dialling code for Lebanon? I got an idea I’d like to pitch …
That was a brilliant little piece of writing my man…the Bollocks, Top banana etc
Very good point, image is everything.
I saw this hillbilly band the other night http://www.myspace.com/bobwayne
and they sang a song called cardboard blues,and in the intro he was going on about how they’d been sleeping rough in the park down the road from th gig while on tour.
Later he was chatting on his Iphone manninf the t-shirt stall. I quickly put my money backin my pocket.
Guys in hezbollah have the full might of the worlds media against them so they’d better have a good PR man
Thank for that, David. I sent it to half the creatives in the agency. (The intelligent half.)
Lets stop using the term ‘terror.’
It’s a generic, one-size-fits-all term which is perfect for fear or scaremongering and ‘enemy’ creation but essentially refers to nothing at all.
This was brilliant piece of writting. And one would not have thought of all the prepping that goes behind the making of these videos. Sheeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttt
@Sarah. Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it.
@jean. I’ll take that comment on board and I do get a meeting with Hezbollah I will put it forward.
Love your work, darling!
Wonder if there will ever be an awards ceremony that embraces this element of the craft?
Excellent piece of writing. Of course, some of the named organisations have now read this piece and we know how they respond to humour and satire.I would love to read your response to the “Fatwah” being issued as I write
That was such fun…made me feel rather like I ued to when my young son said something off-colour, but seriously funny. It’s so good to know for sure there’s a brain out there somewhere. He’s older now and we roll around at times, but that doesn’t mean we don’t understand the shocking side of life!
And of course, as any person who is really interested in trying to determine what the hell is actually going on will tell you, Osama Bin Laden is actually Tim Osman, a CIA agent and Al Qaeda is a CIA invention and exists on CNN and FOX News only.
Shortly before his untimely death, former British Foreign Secretary Robin Cook told the House of Commons that “Al Qaeda” is not really a terrorist group but a database of international mujaheddin and arms smugglers used by the CIA and Saudis to funnel guerrillas, arms, and money into Soviet-occupied Afghanistan.
Shortly before his untimely death, former British Foreign Secretary Robin Cook told the House of Commons that “Al Qaeda” is not really a terrorist group but a database of international mujaheddin and arms smugglers used by the CIA and Saudis to funnel guerrillas, arms, and money into Soviet-occupied Afghanistan.
http://www.globalresearch.ca/index.php?context=va&aid=1291
The best remedy for horror is mirth.
Thanks for your article – its a great antidote.
You light up my life…..(feel free to take whatever meaning you like out of that)
Very creative piece of writing, I didn’t even think about how they go into the detail of filmography for their terror videos. They get some tips from American Hollywood movies – kinda ironic wouldn’t you say?
PS: I know some people who know some people who know some people in the NIA and the SASS who know some people who know some FBI agents who’d like to have a serious talk with you after putting you on the terror watch-list – don’t think you can’t make it onto the list. I mean Nelson Mandela was on that list only until the not-so-distant past. I bet you’re the devil compared to Mandela.
Something to think about (LOL!!).
Other than that, good piece!
“He’d be like Kramer after his pitchfork incident. Working the retirement village circuit in Florida”
haha brilliant.
Hezbullah is a front for that ad agency; but shame on you for making fun of these guys with mini-dvs.
Imagine negotiating the agency fee with this dude. THAT would make you officially shit in your pants!! How would that conversation go?:
“So our usual rate is 15%, but you can pay us whatever you think is appropriate…..oh, you want to pay me in virgins? I see. How does that work then…….? I’ve got to blow what up? No, don’t worry. Look, we do pro bono….”
nice one. this was worth the read. humour is tops, especially when insightful. keep it up. the wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round.
Ha! Finally someone that agrees with me. I mean, it’s not only the production process y’know, but the post as well: “So Osama, we could either start with a long intro about the evils of the West, or cut straight into you waxing forth about how you’re saving the people”. I mean someone has to make the call. I imagine the bespectacled and harried editor bemoaning how put upon he is, not enough footage to work with etc, too many talking heads to make a credible terror-filled video. And then of course distribution. Hello, can someone say producer? Someone contacted Al-jazeera. Someone else thought of you-tube.
I tell you, the life of an indie filmmaker. That alone could make me sympathetic to their cause, as we all watch with brimming hate the state sanctioned big budget slick productions of CNN, Fox news, Hollywood et al. “Look,12 cameras and no clue how to use them! The bastards!”
We’d share beers and comfort each other about how hard it is being us, how one day we’ll take over the awards shows. Brothers for life etc..