There’s this turf war going on. Cape Town versus Durban. Peeps are getting fired up, calling each other out and throwing down with the insults, the stereotypes and the cliches. Getting red in the face, tapping away on keyboards, ringing up the papers. Claiming this place is a dump or that place is a shithole. Saying their city is friendlier while that city is tripping on its ego. Words are going back and forth like yo-yos. The usual bollocks of an argument based on sentiment and emotion rather than logic and reason. But since we’ve got our poison pens out, let’s do this thing! It’s time for me to weigh in for the Dirtbin that spawned me and all that I love.
Dirtbin is everything Cape Town isn’t. Cape Town is coming down from the mountain like a fairy on three E’s. Durban is coming up from the streetz like a bottleneck of the best D.P’s. Yes, I did say streets with a zee because that’s how we roll in Dirtbin. We’re not sucking on skinny lattes or vibing to Whale Songs, the best of. No, we’re at the beach sucking on a blue-top, pulling in the shad or dropping peri-peri chicken livers while punishing another quart. Shit, if we heard that whale sing, we’d catch that thing and sell it for bait. You won’t find us wobbling on about the organic fair-trade veggie store that just opened down the road. No, for us fair-trade’s a quarter mutton and a Stoney from Sparks Road. It’s buying shit from our brahs and not from some middle-class douche-bag’s hobby farm. And you won’t get more organic than sitting on the pavement pulling mutton bones out of that government white loaf while tuning kak with the larney behind the counter
Miss Sevasti, you go on about eating lamb curries in front of open fires in winter. You need to try one in summer when the curry is only slightly hotter than the sun. That’s what makes a true son of the African continent. Not a Cab-Sav on a rainy day. Like you said, we don’t have a winter. But what has winter ever done for anyone? It’s not like you can snowboard on that mountain of yours. In the Dirtbin, we are blessed with a summer and a summerer. It’s hot like vindaloo and wet like soggy jocks but that’s why we live next to the beach.
A beach we can use. The water may get a little dirty but that’s because it is, well, being used. Unlike the water in Cape Town. Which like most things down there is just for show. Homogenised, sterilised and compartmentalised. Another little box on the tourist brochure. … This is our mountain, it’s way cosmic and this is our sea, it’s way blue but it’s way too cold to swim in. So now let us take you to the V&A waterfront. Ja, it’s sooo European, you’ll love it …
That’s something you’ll always hear from our cousins down south. … Cape Town is not really an African city. It’s more European. Very Mediterranean. Very cosmo. That’s why all the film crews like to come here … No my friends, they go to Cape Town because the rand is cheap. They’d rather be in the real deal, shooting in Paris or Barcelona or anywhere. But they lucked out, didn’t get the budget they wanted so now they’re in Cape Town, trying to make do. Smiling while the locals tell them how Cape Town is so Euro. You don’t want to know how many times I have been in the van with overseas directors and film crews while the Cape Town driver is telling you it’s just like Europe. Out the window you’re looking at Bellville and thinking: What are you? On fokken tik?
And it’s not just the whiteys in Cape Town who have these Euro-delusions, it’s the black peeps too. They even voted in a white government. What is this? The 28th member state of the EU? Dirtbin has never had that problem. You only have to step out your door and you’ll find Africa. It’s in the greenness that pushes though the cracks in the walls and in the pavement. It’s in the sticky heat and ever-throbbing sun that won’t let you go. It’s in the smell of spices, the colour of the wayside temples, the hills of Inanda, the shebeens of Jacobs and in the cackle of the street vendors. It’s up on the rock where Shaka stood and it’s in the house that Gandhi built. It’s in the monkeys, the buzzing insects and the banana trees that just grow without any thought. It’s in the fact that our favourite restaurant is also a car repair shop. It’s in the song of the Shembe ladies gathered under the trees and it’s sitting on the grass at Kingsmead. It’s the chaos in Vic Street Market, the skelems on the bluff, the Amazulu amaqhawe and the toughness of the Sharks. All of them African to the bone. And proud to be so. Unlike the captain of WP, Mr Luke Watson, who said he would he’d rather vomit on our national jumper than wear one. What team does he want to play for? England? Or maybe Australia? Sydney is a nicer version of Cape Town. He can always go there. There are no potholes in Sydney. Because that seems to be something that worries Capetonians — the number of potholes in Durban.
Yes, we got potholes. Plenty of them. But it’s not the number of potholes in a city you have to worry about, but the number of assholes. And thankfully we got a lot less of those than we got potholes. Now, by saying that, I am not implying that Cape Town is full of them. I’ve been there and met some really nice people. Cool, down-to-earth friendly people. But come to think of it, they were all from Durban, just living down there. There were also some nice Eastern European girls I met at Mavericks. I told them they must feel right at home in CT, since it is just like Europe. They just looked at me confused. I don’t blame them, Cape Town confuses me sometimes too.
Big love to my Dirtbin cuzzies. And to my buddies in the Mother City, I love you and all but you may be better off acting less like a mother and more like a brother. Peace.
Kiff man
Ai ma’ jy’s blerrie hilarious!! (an’ that’s “j” like a pyjama, ok?)
why did you hve to write a whole blog. You could simply have added your pro Dirtbin views on Amanda’s blog. It was at least original.
‘The usual bollocks of an argument based on sentiment and emotion rather than logic and reason’ nogal, and then you go do exactly the same…Just goes to show you are just as human, and also suffer from the same ‘bollocks sentiment and emotion despite… LMPP!… I dont expect you to know what that means. Its a Cape Town thing.
“Voted in a white government”….enough said.
P.S. Enjoy sutcliffe…oops he is white too.
I think this whole row could have been so easily avoided if Anne Stevens had actually based any of her article of fact.
I can’t comment on er… “Dirtbin”, because I’ve never been there, but from all the unsubstantiated crap that is flying around about Cape Town, I envisage this whole argument escalating with wilder and wilder accusations (“You stole our airport cos it was better than yours”, “We have the best skyscrapers, one of them reaches to the moon”, “Our mayor has got a better name than your mayor” etc etc).
And then the satellite towns will join in – Stellies vs PMB, Wellington vs Howick, Worcester vs… somewhere else in KZN.
This has all the makings of the start of a civil war. We’ll end up picking Provinces for each side, like kids in PE. Until just NorthWest is left, looking skinny and forlorn in a vest two sizes too big for it.
Perhaps.
I confer upon you Honourary Life Fellowship of the Durban Fretus Society. IN DURBAN WE TRUST. durbanfretus.com
Nice one. I do get in the water though. That’s what wetsuits are for.
@paul
By LMPP do you mean Little Miss Princess Parties? Because it looks like a Cape Town thing.
http://www.merchantcircle.com/business/Little.Miss.Princess.Parties.LMPP.781-738-4351
@Mr Govender, I am honoured to be a member!
Ey, cuzzie! You one correct ou, chana!
Brilliantness. I think Mr Smith has done a right kiff job here… but then I’m a proud Dirtbinite and SA-positive… but I’ve been on this tack for some time… you can read Stevens vs Sevasti (unexpurgated) here… http://fredhatman.co.za/?p=1112... and the Great Stadium Turf Wars here… http://fredhatman.co.za/?p=1010 … Cool. Let’s settle this Durbs vs Smother City thing before our esteemed WC2010 guests arrive!
people in cape town remember their friend’s birthdays…
Hahaha! Great post!
As a dubanite I love both cities, but its still fun taking the piss out of each other. Well done man that was funny.
Cape Toooown is soooo like coool bru.
We have the Laaaabia don’t you know.
A movie house named after genitalia is sooooo soooo coool.
Durban also has a thing known as industry which means like in Jozi you can actually work there. In Cape Town you have to leave and man does that tear one up to go off to Jozi for work. Bummer man.
Still it leaves the wannabee Euro trash to rush around like they were back in Europe.
You can’t buy a bunny chow in Cape Town either
Long live Duuurban
Talk about being bitter. I have never seen a Capetonian writing an article mentioning how great their city is and in the process putting down Durban, unless of course provoked. Why are Durbanites so sensitive? Because Cape Town gets all the hype? Just deal with it. CT has been voted one of the best cities on the world for the past 5 years. Look it up if you need to. When tourists come here, CT is the place they get most excited about. I’m sorry you feel so bitter about it, but you’ll just have to deal with it.
PS: I’ve never heard a Capetonian describe the city as European. It’s the actual Europeans and Americans who come here who call it that.
PS.
This oke talks about Cape Town being quasi-European, and how Durban is genuinely African…
Meantime he lives in Amsterdam, Europe…
Talk about double standards!
All I can say is, I life in Cape Town and I long for the holidays when I get to visit South Africa.
Cape Town has plenty of scuzzy, layabout surfer types too, thanks.
And the Cape isn’t afflicted with an accent that turns the word “Natal” into “Nuh-tyell”.
You said it like it is bro, CAPE TOWN? Fokken Shite!
Great post, loved it.
Warm water, dawn patrols, cooking waves, banana’s, avo’s, paw paws, The Sharks, Drakensberg, fishing, manners, “real” africa. Aaaah Durban my beauty, KZN my home
Brilliant descriptions of the Durban I remember; particularly the ‘kota’ bunny after a surf. do they make the mutton with ry bread? (I’ve since become wheat intolerant)
Great read, yet people still moan that your argument is based on emotion and not fact? I think they miss the point altogether…
Home is where you feel safe and secure. In Cape Town its the Shiraz you like to drink on a wind driven rainy day and the feelings that invokes.
In Durban its the afterparty on the outer fields at Kings Park that makes you feel like you live in the best city in the world.
Home is the city where you know that you “belong” without having to question it, and its not about who has more potholes, or homosexulas, or even the biggest mountain, or the best rugby team, its about emotional attachment because of those things
amsterdam is merely the frontshop for the retail distribution of our south african cash crops of the green, smoking kind. from durban with love
Very funny. Nice work
that was such an amazing read! reminds me why i love durbs also…
‘It’s in the greenness that pushes though the cracks in the walls and in the pavement. It’s in the sticky heat and ever-throbbing sun that won’t let you go…’
lovely lovey. i hope this is the last word on this.
@Sara read the other blogs girly, the saga started with an over sensitive capey…mmmmk.
FACT, Dirtbin Rocks – who wants to be in fake ‘Europe’ in Africa? Capetonians hang on to colonialism like it’s a good thing and stop blaming the mountain it was there long before van Riebeck stumbled onto it’s shores and claimed it from guess who…..say it with me….AFRICA
Durban, we love it… except for Sutcliffe of course
.
Brilliant? As is Durban.
Nice read
I guess our landscape and our cities are as diverse as the people who live in them, and that’s the wonderful thing about Mzantsi. I’m not sure about the potholes though…ha-ah!
Viva DirTbin.
Wow! Brah Dave, I like your BIG Guns.
Man you can unleash. 10nil CT.
Good post.
FACT, Durban rocks. I have stayed in Cape Town for 3 years and have only visited Durban from time to time. Cape Town winter is cold and miserable as its fake people. Just thinking about Cape Town is painful. Thekwini what a beautiful place.
You get my vote for blog of the year. Being just an ou from Jozi with minimal contact with either Dirtbin or CT… i was entertained by your superb piece of cultural virtuosity: thank you… I have by the way destroyed both places in my next novel… the forthcoming Jonker Memorandum… to be read as a podcast over three years concluding on the 21st December 2012, when in accordance with an ancient Mayan prophecy, the world of humans will enter the so-called Sixth age of “man” [the Mayans weren't gender sensitive sorry]
I originally conceived of the idea as a way of promoting property values in Jozi which for some odd reason seem to have declined relative to the less urbanised parts of the subcontinent: places like “dirtbin” and CT… Was a time when you could buy two or three CT houses for one Jozi house; ditto for dirtbin: now it seems reversed and that is odd.
So then i just decided it would be lekker: both places gone. Nonetheless for such a gloriously entertaining blog your piece of wherever shall be saved somehow… that’s the great thing about fiction compared to reality… you can change things.
Awesome! Lived in both cities, loved both cities, but when it comes down to it Durbs is the place closest to my armpit.
Irony disclaimer!
After all my whinging about the Mother City, I am going to be there in 2 weeks for a shoot!
Looking forward to it. See you soon, CT bros.
Am a true Kaapie..but at the moment 650 miles off the Durbs coastline..bobbing and weaving our way to Dirtbin. Hilarious article. Had a great laugh..Thanks. Cant wait to get there.
Gr8 article, even as a VERY proud Durbanite, I must say,I am pleased Cape Town is in South Africa too, because it’s a beautiful part of the country.
I am fortunate to have lived half my life in Zululand and the other half in Cape Town. The fact that I have ended up with no bias towards either shows me that both are equally wonderful in their own charming ways. Both places feel like Africa, and feel like home. They have a very special place in my heart. I could write pages about this, but with 183 characters left… I think we should just act like South Africans and stick together on this one!
guess dirtbin can’t be too bad, even the sardines swing by once a year
And Crap Town is racist…
http://www.iol.co.za/index.php?set_id=1&click_id=3102&art_id=vn20091022043211281C843507
Nice blog cuzzie! I miss that Durbanspeak – that unique rapidfire slang usually requires a professional translater -usually another Durbanite who can speak white
Dirtbin’s legendary beaches are unsurpassed in SA, but should be avoided at all costs during public holidays! Maybe the beaches are not as the pretty as the “lesser used” beaches in CT, but hell its swimmable 24×7 throught the year – yes even at night – definitely not for the faint of heart!!! Having spent time in Durbs, I miss its never-ending summer and the warm tropical Durban nights that turn one into a werewolf – if you catch my drift
Dirtbin is truly a backwater town compared to Jozi, but great for a brief jol. I remember watching the Hare Krishna festival, part of their New Year celebration, on the beach front – its multi-ethnic tapestry is a sight to behold.
CT on the other hand has been transformed into an picturesque enclave for the rich and now is boring and pretentious and beginning to resemble a boring old European coastal town without any heart. I miss the old cosmopolitan Cape Town where the lilting voices of the Cape Coloreds that were once and intrinsic part of the downtown area, have been slowly but surely edged out by the racist DA governance. CT has been hijacked by the DA!
Hi, I stumbled onto your CTN/DBN debate, and assume it was sparked off by the CAPE TOWN YOU CAN KEEP YOUR MOUNTAIN piece on http://www.iol.co.za. However, just for interest, I wrote a response article to THAT one, which readers here may have missed: http://www.ioltravel.co.za/article/view/5213161
…and so the debate continues. It will probably die down soon! I’d like to see someone write a “JHB is better than both” piece – just for s and g’s.
Paul you one pothole ek se
David, one luv cuzzie
what kind dave-o? funny post! ous are getting hyped up.. where’s the harm in a little regional banter? B-)
joberg is pretty and so is cape town city but durban is the place for me…
Well said, Dave Harris – “CT on the other hand has been transformed into an picturesque enclave for the rich and now is boring and pretentious and beginning to resemble a boring old European coastal town without any heart.”
And this is why I must continue my campaign to get Capetonians to keep it real and unplug the humungous carrot from their collective arse… Cape Town must portray a more South African face for our 2010 World Cup visitors, otherwise they’ll think their plane was hijacked and forced to land in Vancouver or Sydney… the fight continues… “Finally, Cape Town explained… like fulllly, my bro!” – http://fredhatman.co.za/?p=1444
David J smith; you are a wordsmith. I have never hosed myself so comprehensively from just reading something. BIG UPS!!!!!
As someone who ‘semigrated’ from Durban to the Cape, here’s why I love my mom – and why I haven’t missed Durbs for a minute.
* People say “Durban’s about to explode!” – as in, creatively, culturally etc. etc. It never has.
* Roads in Durban might get confusing new names; one restaurant closes while another opens (the Debbin crowd is notoriously fickle), Indian Mynahs are born, learn to fly, die laughing – not much else happens alongside that tepid, lukewarm sea. Cape Town buzzes like a fresh Vida Americano.
* Durban scenery:
The cream obsenity of the Pavilion, with thousands of souped up, tinted-window cars twinkling in its sun-melted parking lots? The Christmassy casino on Battery Beach (probably visible from the Moon)? Or who can overlook Windermere Centre; that large brown tribute to 70’s architecture that so winsomely blocks the sea view for everyone from Morningside to Kokstad. Cape Town: eye-achingly beautiful.
* Some say Cape Town isn’t “African enough.” What an inane comment. We probably have many, many more Kenyans, Malawians, Nigerians and Zimbabweans than Durban does.
And there’s Mzoli’s.
* It’s obvious to lambaste Capetonians for Table Mountain, as if we put it here and can’t stop staring at it. It’s not our fault that “Table Mountain is destined for a spot in the New 7 Wonders of Nature.” http://www.iol.co.za/index.php?set_id=1&click_id=180&art_id=iol1253721151385M535. I may be wrong, but I don’t