Around the world there is a time-honoured tradition that whenever a South African émigré is dining with foreigners, he will be called upon to regale his dinner companions with talk of his crime-ridden homeland. When the candle has burnt low and the dinner is all but eat and the soul fortified with a suitable red, it is then that the table draws in close to hear tales of the crime capital of the world.
As a man who likes to do his bit, I’ve told my fair share of stories, always comfortable in the knowledge that the media will back me up. That if anyone doubts my far-fetched tales (and Lord knows, I do like a stretch) I can always point in the direction of the Macintosh Apple and say: Google that shit, biatch!
That was until today. That was until someone decided to stick a pin in my lovely bubble. Now you’re probably thinking it was some crazy militant who called me out. Some bleeding-heart liberal who jumped up from the table and said, “I will not dine with you, you pigdog mouthpiece of imperialism! You are nothing but alarmist petit-bourgeois scum! I wish that happened. Unfortunately, none of the people I dine with are that cool. Well, there was that one chap who almost cut off my toe with a carving knife … but that’s another story. No, my bubble was popped by a seemingly innocent note sent to me by a nice young Swedish girl who sits downstairs from me. She wrote:
You’re always writing about what’s going on in SA and stuff, so I thought it’s about time that I give you a little update on Sweden.
Attached to the mail was a link. I expected it to be about meatballs, pickled herring, midsummer or those skinny jeans Swedes are so partial to. But instead it was Time Magazine’s list of the top ten heists of all time. I was a little surprised. What does that have to do with Sweden? Surely it has to do with South Africa. I scrolled through the list waiting for the joke. Number ten, number nine, number eight. With each number I expected to find some South African crime that reads like the script to Jerusalema. But we weren’t there. Nothing. Not a single mention. Finally I got to number one and there was Sweden. Sweden! What the hell is that all about? I mean this isn’t Eurovision. This isn’t Top of the Pops. We’re not talking about Abba here. We’re talking about crime! That’s our gig. I was flabbergasted. Shocked to the core. Sweden is now officially considered more badass than us. When did this happen? Have I been out of the country too long? Did the Hawks solve all the crime? What has happened to the dark underbelly of South African society? Has it gone all soft and flabby?
I sat at my desk, feeling a little cold. Clammy, sweaty palms. I really don’t like sweaty palms, makes the pages of my notebook go funny. Suddenly my little dinner party act seemed so trivial. My talk of men blowing up ATMs, crazy hijackers, flame-thrower cars and policemen on the take all looked a little small. These Swedes had stolen so much money their country was in danger of not having enough cash to fill the ATMs. Never mind blowing the things up, they tried to blow up the whole economy! I had this awful image in my mind of some nice Swede telling the story at a dinner party, while I sat by, trying to blurt out, “But we’re the murder capi … tal … ” But no one is listening. No one gives a damn for my stories any more. All they can hear is that little sing-song accent saying words like bombs, helicopter and lots and lots of money. How am I going to compete with that? They had a helicopter and three bombs!
So tonight, on this cold Amsterdam night, I am putting the call out to all our honest hoodlums, if you are a true patriot, you need to man up and get out there. I need something big. I want the Italian job turned into the South African Job. I want the Rambo version of the Thomas Crown Affair. I need gold bullion, diamonds, art works, RPGs, scud missiles. Hell, blow up the Reserve Bank if you have to. I don’t know, just make it real big, I’m not the criminal mastermind, you are. If you’re bang out of ideas, I suggest the video store. Anything from Tony Scott, Michael Mann or Francis Ford Coppola will do. But whatever you do to get your inspiration, you need to do something fast, I’ve got a dinner on Saturday and an audience to please.
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30 Responses to “We are the crime capital of the world, right?”
An exceptionally well-crafted and cogent blog, David. Having entered the lucrative market of fencing myself (no, man, neither the swordplay nor the razorwire kind) I have discovered a niche that is the proverbial goose with the golden poepol. It is so easy, so rewarding and can be run as a family business from home, I’m surprised it came up before.
If your Sviddish härlig flicka has any contacts that side, I’ll be going global in a few months.
Oh, yes, the only proviso: no killing, stabbing, maiming, raping or beating the shit out of. Good clean up-market burglaries and jackings only, Thanks.
Of course we are.We should not be ashamed to say so because that is the starting point of change.
To hide it and justify small insignificant changes as progress is just a way the authorities are
using to save face.The fact is it has not improved
significantly.It still just as violent as ever.
We still accept criminals living amongst us in the
townships and in the work place like the SAPS.
the problem with your data is that its merely a single heist. Not a daily occurrence of small-yet-deadly acts of “petty” crime where people are killed for a cigarette and a 5-year old cellphone. No one will rank that as a heist, but we make up for quality and class by sheer quantity and aggression.
[…] Thought Leader » David J Smith » We are the crime capital of the world, right? www.thoughtleader.co.za/davidjsmith/2009/10/06/we-are-the-crime-capital-of-the-world-right – view page – cached Around the world there is a time-honoured tradition that whenever a South African émigré is dining with foreigners, he will called upon to regale his dinner companions with talk of his crime-ridden… (Read more)Around the world there is a time-honoured tradition that whenever a South African émigré is dining with foreigners, he will called upon to regale his dinner companions with talk of his crime-ridden homeland. When the candle has burnt low and the dinner is all but eat and the soul fortified with a suitable red, it is then that the table draws in close to hear tales of the crime capital of the world. (Read less) — From the page […]
Me and you love,LOL. I mean who can beat stealing a helicopter, flying it to the bank and stealing money without being tracked and caught and I thought we had hard core criminals.
You dare to compare a single heist with no injuries or deaths with the crime in SA? Have you lost your sanity? And by the way this single and only heist you refer to is ranked tenth not first. For tongue in cheek or humorous articles think again!
Mr Paul Young, I realise how upsetting it can be to discover that we are not on the list. But denial is not going to help, we need to face facts and just try a little harder.
Ya, they could be, but in most of the heists in the TIME story: http://tinyurl.com/y88zqg3 - No “innocent” people were really hurt. The rest of the world are more humane in their approach.
We have violent crime, which, I agree, is not as sexy as these heists. Even the word “heist” is sexy. “Hijack” and “Rape” - not so much.
All I can say is that we are the masters of ATM bombing, and we are best at hijacking and and…. yeah we steal more cellphones than other countries. And if that spaceship in that Allien movie really landed in Joburg we would have hijacked it, that’s how good we are, tell them that.
Seriously though. We need more patriotic people in SA. Pity issues like AA and BEE are making people bad mouth SA out there.
To top it all it turns out that Jackie Selebi and Glen Agliotti used to meet up to discuss philanthropic work and charitable deeds that might benefit the poor orphans and abandoned MK vets.
Here I was naively thinking that these were real hard core scum of the earth types, when in fact they deserve the Mother Threesa award for their selfless deeds. Come on South Africa, you can do better than this!!!
TRUTH ? we have fallen off the radar - just another failing African country having a civil war. Ho Hum.
When you kill for a cellphone - you gotta really hate the owner.
That Davis from the Canadian Refugee Board has been dismissed without compensation and all refugee permits granted to “white South Africans”by him are under rereview and that Hutlet lost his permit and went in hiding since he is now liable for deportation.
Here in South Africa we have a myriad of places to complain if you are not happy about governmen performanc and unless you have utilised and exhausted all of these you won`t get asylum abroad.
In the past the world knows about apartheid because it was institutionalised but it still requires black people to produce evidence that they have been through detentions without trial,political trials and that they were members of protest organisations before they can be given asylum.
So who are you whites by thinking that you can just pack your bags and head for the west or europe and get instant asylum simply by making verbal submissions that you`re from a crime capital country@
Its white people who called on the black government to remove cops from the streets into offices bcause they wanted their neighbourhood watches and security guar companies to rake-in the money so we don`t know if were the cops allowe to fight crime without the interference that is exerted would they have been as incompetent as they are now.
South Africa has legions of solidly professional criminals in all spheres of the profession. I think this alone trumps Sweden’s feeble showing of a couple of hundred truly excellent criminals. More importantly, I resent the implication that we don’t have crooks who can think big. If you want a heist, think “Group Areas Act”, buddy - show me a Swede who has stolen REAL ESTATE, and a sh1tload of it; stuff that doesn’t move, no matter how many fancy helicopters you bring to the party. If past achievements don’t count, then look no further than our incumbent government - not only have public coffers been plundered far beyond the value of every one of these accursed Swedish heists put together, but these Swedish wannabes just rob banks and other highly insured institutions. Our government steals from our children, and their children - our government is robbing the FUTURE!! Hah! Beat that, you vacuous herring-loving mountebanks with your semi-criminal chicanery!
More bad news if you are a crime-watcher in South Africa. Related to this, our local newspaper, in today’s edition, published a list (for tourists) of the top 10 places worldwide to be especially aware of pickpockets. And South Africa is nowhere to be seen! But I guess pick-pocketing is too subtle for SA.
1. Las Ramblas, Barcelona, Spain
2. Rome, Italy
3. Prague, Czech Republic
4. Madrid, Spain
5. Paris, France
6. Florence, Italy
7. Buenos Aires, Argentina
8. Amsterdam, Netherlands
9. Athens, Greece
10. Hanoi, Vietnam
I remember days when south african despite all the hardship culd laugh at themselves. I dont think anyone doesnt appreciate the level of crime and those that have been affected. But how did a tongue in cheek article turn into a sorry, gloomy, horror and lets all blame each other match like we always do.
I can’t believe you’re encouraging people to rob banks so you can talk about it dinner parties, why don’t you just talk about sports and politics? There’s so much to laugh at about Julius and Co. Good thing criminals don’t like reading heh! Phew!
Interesting enough, there have been three ATM blasts over the past year in Tasmania!! I ask you, that quiet,safe, forgotten place at the end of the earth?? The difference, as other have said, is in the violence of the daily petty crimes which impact immensely on South Africans. Latest I heard was someone stealing an ICU patient’s cell phone in a Pretoria hospital…………..not violent, but how petty!!? Heists are for European highflyers anyway - see Oceans Eleven etc
Along the same vein as tim and Dr No…you gotta get your head in the game man….don’t give in so easily!
Show me a Swede who has amassed wealth for generations by creating laws to exploit other Swedes as cheap labor.
Show me a Swede who has shipped people from other countries as indentured laborers purely to serve his economic interests.
Show me a Swede who has after committing crimes of humanity against their fellow Swedes to suite his grand lifestyle, can still walk freely in Sweden.
Lets face it bro, we South Africans deserve the top spot due to our unblemished, kick ass track record, or better still - we at least deserve the honorary lifetime achievement award!
Great article, and for once, the responses are at least as brilliant as the article (one or two exceptions only). Viva sense of humour, viva! One of the more adaptive ways of coping with reality, I think.
Very clever and craftfully written and normally I would be laughing and sending it on to my friends. However, finding it difficult to even break a smile today because of a telephone call I received yesterday telling of a family member who got mugged at gunpoint at a Table View bus stop during the morning peakhour. Think she would find it difficult to laugh at your article too, along with all the hundreds of thousands of South Africans who are the victims of similar crimes.
Thank you to all the readers who appreciated this article as lighthearted humour. I have been suitably put in my place and regret responding so seriously as I did at first. Yes, we need to laugh at ourselves more often. As for stealing a country, who says it cannot be stolen twice!
When we laugh at any crime, we let it flourish. This is insulting to all of us who have been victims or have loved victims. Sometimes you can be just too witty and clever and it fails.
“whenever a South African émigré is dining with foreigners, he will called upon to regale his dinner companions with talk of his crime-ridden homeland.” - bullshit. Hackneyed stereotyping, we do not in Shanghai. Codswallop. Assumptions.
You condoning crime in SA? ha ha as if we needed an invitation David…unfortunately if it is clever crime you want…look elsewhere, (I didnt expect Sweden though either, must be honest) there is no need when you can just go in guns blazing and leave with the loot before the coppers even arrive on scene.
Our lesser spotted crime fighters can be seen coming to a Steers or KFC Drive through near you!
Nice post….a fun piece to read.
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An exceptionally well-crafted and cogent blog, David. Having entered the lucrative market of fencing myself (no, man, neither the swordplay nor the razorwire kind) I have discovered a niche that is the proverbial goose with the golden poepol. It is so easy, so rewarding and can be run as a family business from home, I’m surprised it came up before.
If your Sviddish härlig flicka has any contacts that side, I’ll be going global in a few months.
Oh, yes, the only proviso: no killing, stabbing, maiming, raping or beating the shit out of. Good clean up-market burglaries and jackings only, Thanks.
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