I’m betting that Carl Niehaus’s cortisol levels must be through the roof as the relentless stresses of being an ex-spin doctor on the ropes and on the run take their toll on the poor bugger’s health.
His penchant for expensive, gourmet cuisine would have done little to prepare him for such trying times. I read the other day that he had been locked in a meeting with his now former boss Gwede Mantashe for several hours. Picture yourself spending several hours in a room with Mantashe, just you and Mantashe, all alone. You could die from slow, monotone madness; Gwede’s voice is truly a deadly, dreary weapon.
The good news for Carl, and it’s a 100% un-spin-doctored truth, is that I can help him rebuild his severely compromised immune system and take the strain off his battered adrenal glands. And this Carl will doubtless appreciate, it will cost him nothing.
What Carl really needs is kefir. Legend has it that the Prophet Muhammad passed this stuff on to his disciples, and for thousands of years kefir has in turn been handed down through the generations as a restorative tonic.
Think of kefir as yoghurt on steroids. It’s a culture that you use to ferment milk, producing a tangy powerhouse of friendly yeasts and multiple good probiotic bacteria, along with a froth of proteins and B vitamins. It’s a potent superfood and all you need is a few cauliflower-like grains of kefir.
Making kefir is really easy — just pour milk over it and leave it to ferment for 24 hours. Don’t worry about temperature. I prepare mine every morning, waking up to a gooey mass of curds and whey that I respectfully sift through a colander to save the culture for the next batch. Into the fermented broth go a banana, cinnamon and a spoon of omega-3 oils which blends up into a delicious, nutritious, foaming smoothie.
You can buy kefir (the drink not the culture) in some supermarkets — Mooiland dairy even makes a goat’s milk kefir. But there’s nothing quite like making your own, trying out different milk and kefir combos. I get fabulous results with Weleda dairy’s raw organic milk. If you increase the ratio of kefir to milk you get a delicious cream-cheese.
The kefir grains keep reproducing, so over time you build up more culture than you need, which you can give away to family and friends, spreading the nutrient-rich joy around.
So the challenge is to find someone who has some. And that can be harder to find than Helen Zille’s sense of humour, or Julius Malema’s … (many options here).
I have some. And I’m happy to share it with Carl, ever grateful that I will never again have to read any more of his sycophantic, drooling, Zuma-worshippping shite.
Lekker!
Nice piece. Love the end.
White people just cannot except that Zuma is tremendously popular in this country. The reason why they cannot understand is simply they don’t understand african culture. The media in this country is misleading their poor gullible readers. Before the Polokwanr conference all newspapers in this country “preached” to their readers that Mbeki will be retained as ANC President. How wrong were they?
We the delegates at that conference were laughing behind the political journalists back and actually mocked them for sheer incompetence and stupidity. They never bothered to do proper research about the mood on the ground. They advanced Mbeki’s cause shamelessly in their papers and wrote scathing stuff about Zuma. Well we all know what happened despite their propoganda.
Once again they advance the cause of COPE and completely forget the people who matters. THE VOTERS, of who the majority are black. The simple thing that editors should learn about us black people is that newspaper propoganda will never fool us!
Please would you direct me to legitimate research on Kefir that answers two questions:
1. Is it completely safe for humans to use
2. Does it produce any legitimate results
Now you know the drill here, at least 100 participants and preferably a double blind study. Do not waste out time with a testimonial from Joe Soap of Pennsylvania who showed amazing results after six weeks.
Alternative Health Profession must start displaying some honesty. The dangerous money grubbing activities that many of these people practice needs to be exposed. We need to develop the same mantra we use on traditional medicine. “Just show us the credible results, just show us the data”.
John Bond – normally I’d agree with you but in the specific case of Carl (as opposed to the more general case of advertising), he is offering the bloke a freebie. And Carl has done many things, few of which I’d imagine are sanctioned by the scientists. A little yoghurt is unlikely to hurt.
Bongo, honestly stop with the white people thing. It makes you irrelevant. Would you still chant this even if there were hardly any white poeple in SA? Would you complain about the imperialist west then? Of course you’re right but it doesn’t solve any problems blowing out hot air. The media can show you that.
So the majority of the people are pro-Zuma. So we know. So some people don’t like it and they say so in the media. So some people do like it and they say so in the media. But more specifically, some people do like it and they vote Cde Zuma into the office of President (by virtue of voting the party into government) and that’s that. The government has far, far greater power than the media. What brought down the Nats in the end wasn’t the media, was it? Are you ascribing hero status to Helen Zille? The media hasn’t had any success against Mugabe. Even in places like the UK and US, the media aren’t the guys who make the real decisions.
The only time they have power is when they hit a nerve with people generally – enough of a nerve that those people change their behaviour (e.g. the whole population votes the government out). Since that’s not going to happen here and rarely does anywhere else, why are you still swatting at flies? Just leave the counter-revolutionaries alone and get on with voting in the government and then holding them to their promises. This anti-media crusade you’ve been sent on is just a diversion away from the real business of getting to work.