John Vlismas

Dear ‘These Blacks’

So much has happened since last we spoke, I have been most distracted, these past years, unpicking knots in my mind. My childhood was spent being told that you were inferior, by people who let you raise me. You fed me, carried me on your back and played with me. Imagine that. Abandoned by my…

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Dear Whitey

I hope you are well. Even though I’m sure you are not really interested, I am fine. I know that you are not too concerned about others, until you hear about them on Twitter, or Facebook — or someone at the office sends you an angry email, summarising something they’ve heard about that could ruin…

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Dear god-complex

Dear god-complex That’s right, I’m talking to you — not big G — that’s different. I wouldn’t talk to God in words, because I don’t believe that God needs words, or worship, for that matter. I also don’t believe a real God would ask any man to take his son up on a mountain and…

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Happy Black Tuesday

Dear State Happy Black Tuesday. I am writing this letter to you while I am still free to do so. I am also doing so against the advice of my agent, who is afraid that if I make you angry, you will punish me out of the blue and limit my potential, even though I…

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You eat lamb, duck and chicken. So why not horse?

It was a great piece of television. These don’t occur often. Generally, we adopt a lazy posture and zombify in groups while ill-qualified thieves called executive producers steal our IQs, point by point. This was different. The item pressed my button, and asked me down a rabbit hole. There was a woman with a long…

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Dear ‘K-word’ and ‘K-the-boer song’

I know not everybody likes a letter, and when I think about it, you two surely don’t spend a lot of time reading either — but I love a letter, so here goes: Nobody can say that you two haven’t had your fun. You’ve shown your faces at some of the greatest and lowest moments…

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To Messrs Scott, Malema, Cliff and AfriForum

Well lads, you seem to be in a fine mess, and we’re all right behind you. As South Africans, we love to polarise. As you know, we come from a place of black and white and, as much as we say we want to, we’re just not ready for the mental exercise required to build…

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Waiting for Gusto

Since first we dragged our wet, half-baked selves from the primordial soup — limp croutons tired of swimming — and pulled air into our hard-won lungs, humans have worshipped food. Whether as a simple set of sugars, proteins and amino acids that allow our metabolic engine to go about the business of combustion, or the…

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Dear SuperSport executive

My thoughts are with you at this difficult time. I do hope you manage some sleep. Try to eat something and don’t allow yourself to be negatively affected by this recent tragedy that threatens your very integrity. I am horrified that an attractive young woman in your employ took it upon herself to appear naked…

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Shame on US

It’s been weeks since Americans poured onto the streets, crowing and cheering. At last, their nemesis’s blood spilled, they exhale. A man in a blanket, huddled over flickering images of himself, is gone. The stuff of American nightmares sleeps with the fishes. The world is better off now that we have another porn-riddled hard drive…

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